Tendencies

I had a h*ll of a bad day... Drinking thoughts and other stupid things are coming up.

I had to go in and fight with a credit agency that screwed something up on my credit today. IT was obviously there fault but I got caught in a nightmare of bureaucracies and they started to dig in telling me it was my fault. I was so close to losing it on their manager. Like really losing it. I haven't had a drop to drink in over 6 months and I have been trying to deal with my anger and sadness, loneliness and frustration alone since then. I do therepay and that has been my saving grace.

I actually got the matter resolved by escalating the issue as far as I could with the manager and the banks. It worked they realized it was all a mistake and my credit was saved.

I think I'm so used to screwing up and things being my fault I have a hard time knowing when to fight for myself. I almost cried in the guys office. I'm a man for Pete's sake. What's up with that? I was so relieved I almost starting crying when we fixed it. He could tell how frustrated I was....

I feel so ashamed of myself now. I'm glad I fixed the problem but I"m left with the feeling of being so broken. After years of drinking and now trying to put my life back in order I don't have a lot of strength. Everything is so d@mn hard. I think I'm getting better and then I realize if something like this could nearly break me how good can I really be doing.

After that this morning and work this afternoon (I"m a stressed out consultant) I just feel shell shocked. At a loss. I don't really have any friends anymore after isolating myself for so many years. The ones I do have a married and doing stuff anyway.


I'm venting....venting....going to go for a walk. This is really hard and I feel soooo stupid and weak. My life is going by (I"m 36) and it just feels like a really bad sad movie that I want to get up and leave in the middle of. No I'm not suicidal. I just want this frigging gong show to end. I sound like such a victim don't I....How do I stop that too!

TheJungianThing

Sounds like you're doing great.

Do you ever lift weights ?

Dee74

Hi Tendencies

Maybe you should look at things in a slightly different way - you faced a stressful situation, and you got through the event...you didn't break...now it's time to work through the aftermath.

There's a lot of situations I felt like a baby in as a sober guy...even my emotions were over the top because I was so used to having them regulated by booze and drugs...but everytime I faced stuff like this, I learned more...and I got better at it...

The important thing to remember is it was one event...it's over...and you've fixed it.

Kudos man

D

Tendencies

I'm just angry now....a bag of anger and fear...so mad...


rage...so much rage. I never lose it on people, I always come so close. I'm not violent. Never have been. I feel like I want to be .... Ah h@ll I don't know....so D@mn lost.... so tired

sad

Dee74

Rage was a part of my early recovery too - it was part of my late stage drinking too...I think you're right that there's a causal connection between anger and fear.

I still think you did well today - things like that are stressful for anyone, alcoholic or not.

If you're 'so used to screwing up and things being yr fault', maybe it was a little triggering for you when they tried to suggest it was your fault?

D

Zencat

Maybe check and challenge those negative feelings you have about yourself. Look at all the good you have done. Starting listing all the positive things you have accomplished, be it the little or major things. See yourself getting through this difficult time and how you will look back knowing you can overcome these challenges that life trows up.

Tendencies

I am glad I resolved the issue (Fingers crossed). What am I really upset about? I think the weakness.

I have to spend so much time trying to figure out how I feel. Why I feel. Bad mostly. Or angry.

My shrink doctor tells me I'm a normal (whatever that means) guy though. I've seen a couple of shrinks. They say I've just been through the ringer for a very long time and this is what happens to regular people when that happens. I was kinda thinking I had some sort of mental thing going on like bipolar or something.

They told me if it had continued and I had not gotten help I probably would have spiralled down into drinking myself to death. I was just incredibly lost and messed up. I kinda remember what it felt like to drink. It was kinda like I thought I was saying $^#%you to the world. Ha...the world didn't care.

After a few years of therapy now (and being sober for 6 months) I had the confidence to ask them if I had kinda gone crazy. I only asked a few weeks ago. My doctor said yes. I had in effect kinda lost it. I wasn't walking around seeing aliens. But really I had gone off the edge.

I had no idea. It was a shock. Still is.

TheJungianThing

What weakness ? That you got upset and a little emotional ?

You're not weak, you're exercising "muscles" you haven't exercises before - as Dee was suggesting.

When people lift weights, they do it to a point of "failure" - okay momentary "weakness" - but in the end the muscle rebuilds stronger.

Emotionally I didn't find it all that much different when I got sober. They told me "I was right where I was supposed to be, tie a knot and hang on".

YOu're not drinking, you're facing things, you're taking the next right actions - the right way - ?

Man, you're doing great you really are. Just keep moving and when you fall, fall forward.

Tendencies

I know what everybody saying and I appreciate it. I did do a hard thing today. In the past I would have rolled over so it's good I went in there.

Dee says he was pretty angry just before he quit and after. This could be normal. I had been hoping that quitting drinking was going to be a silver bullet. That I could go back to being me, from before. But I can't undo those things. Can't get the time back. I think that's part of it. Lots of fear over that. That I lost something precious. I did. I have to face that. Forgive myself eventually.

I do need to stay active. Lift weights. Run. Move.

Thanks all.

lizisme

Glad im not alone in my feelings. Same thing happens to me. I don't think being a male or female makes a difference, its human nature to defend your honor! And it's dam frustrating dealing with people who think they can walk all over you when you know dam well you havent done anything wrong. I always feel so immature, embarrassed and ashmamed for my outbursts and wish I had dealt with things differently. But then I remember im learning to be human again :-)

Dee74

My anger was shame and fear, frustration too...I think it's pretty common.

I stopped drinking but I was left with the man who still had the problems he turned to drinking for...so really for me the stopping drinking was just a beginning...the was a lot more work to come

Good news is I haven't been angry in a long time now

D

LexieCat

I found dealing with those kinds of frustrating things the very hardest thing about being sober for the first year or so. I felt like I couldn't STAND how I was feeling. I didn't want to drink, but I wanted those FEELINGS to go away. Alcohol is just GREAT as a fast-acting anaesthetic when things feel like they are spinning out of control. It was my go-to response for dealing with anything that was freaking me out.

What I found was, as the others have said, that each time I dealt with a situation, however messily and un-gracefully, without picking up a drink, the next time was a little easier. Life's frustrations don't stop happening, but we gotta give ourselves a chance to learn to deal with them without drinking away the discomfort. The discomfort lessens with time and practice.

drumstick

Hey T,

I can relate to alot of your feelings and emotions you are describing... I sometimes certianly feel like I am going insane with the threshold of emotions that can present themselves at various points throughout my day. I experience alot of the sadness, anger, fear, loneliness and rage too in various levels of intensity.

I can say that I never really dealt with these human traits all the while I was drinking so I am certianly an amatuer (maybe even a rookie) when having to face them head on in my sobriety. I too have support through addiction physicians and psychologists since I isolated quite a bit during my drinking and it seems as though I have no close friends anymore and life just kind of passed me by. I find that I go through stages of where I feel I have dealt with feelings, reprocussions(sp) and incidents from my drinking and just when I feel a glimpse of acceptance then the guilt, shame, fear, anger, rage seem to slip back in.

Drinking for me is absolutely no longer on option so I am doing my best to experience and recognize my feelings/emotions, work through them and hopefully with more experience I begin to develop the maturity to accept them and they will be less intense negatively and I will garner some serenity.

Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it, it brought to light some things I had on my mind tonight.