northend79

Hi,

I posted a few months ago about my epic showing up at work still intoxicated on a nursing unit...I do everything over the top. Anyhow, after that, I got a handle on things. I stayed sober for a few months, got back on track with all household stuff, did well with work, starting reconnecting with my son..things were going well.

To add to my problems with alcohol, I also have a dx of bipolar. I was doing a a lot of nights at work, and a couple of months ago BOOM! outright mania out of nowhere's, I am usually on top of things and can sense when it's happening. I just had the realization a couple of days ago that's what happened..I started binge drinking a couple of nights a week again, spent all my money, ran around with guys, left my son with sitters to be out running around, no focus at work, the whole nine yards. I was so commited to staying to being sober, and I threw it all out the window. I know alcohol makes it worse when I'm being rational, but I wasn't. end of story.

I did take a week and half off work last month. I had a moment of clarity as to what was going on, and told work I couldn't come in. But the drinking and the mania were escalating, and I was able to convince myself that everything was under control, and wooohoo! vacation.

Anyhow, I just had my days off in my rotation, and after spending two days in bed being honest with myself and realizing that I am not well mentally, and the drinking ( once again ) has to stop, I'm trying to figure out what triggered this time around.

I really truly believe that the overnights have something to do with it. When I'm working and sleeping normal hours, I can think things through so much more clearly.

I am scheduled to go in for three nights this weekend, 12 hour shifts, and I know that doing that, I will get maybe a few hours of sleep this weekend. Right now, I feel somewhat in control, am ready to deal with the drinking and my mental health full on. But I also know that come Monday morning, I could be in a worse state and just continue on because it has happened and has been gradually increasing over the past couple of months.

Not to mention the anxiety and racing thoughts that make me realize that I won't be any good to the patients or my coworker this weekend anyhow.

I know that if I call in, there are going to be issues, they will be mad, due to attendance issues.

But at this point, my sobriety and mental health mean a lot to me, and I don't want to go down any further.

I don't know what I'm looking for, I've had my hand on the phone for the past hour trying to call in sick. I am sick. Working overnights is making me sicker. I don't want to ruin my life. I would rather get let go for attendance issues than making a mistake because I was too hungover or not mentally stable enought to be at work.

Has anyone gotten to a point where they basically had to take time off work and just deal with that afterwards in order to get better?

laurie6781

Well, first of all alcohol does not help BiPolar only makes it worse. I say this from personal experience.

Second, even if you are on meds for you BiPolar, alcohol won't let the meds work.

Sounds like the first thing to work on is to decide that alcohol is 1) certainly a hindrance to your diagnosis of Bi Polar and 2) decide if you really want really want recover.

If both of above occur, then it is time to find a program to help you with recovery from the alcohol abuse. And keep posting here of course.

I do believe, again from personal experience that getting rid of the alcohol will allow you to keep a better 'handle' on the Bi Polar and lead a more peaceful and serene life.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

BackToSquareOne

Northend, the anxiety and racing thoughts you spoke of will only get so much worse with alcohol. You get that brief sedation, then boom!, the rebound hypervigilance as soon as the alcohol wears off. You can't effectively deal with anything as long as alcohol is in the picture.

northend79

oh believe me, I know that alcohol makes it worse. I really do. That's one thing that clued me into the fact that I had gone so manic, having that knowledge, and deciding that it was all bunk, and I could handle things. I know how destructive alcohol is to my life, and mental health.

I guess my concern at this point, is knowing that I am manic right now. Where I am making completely irrational choices and doing things out of character. I am worried that if I continue on with the overnights without dealing with my mania, that I will continue to make decisions such as going out and drinking 20 beer is perfectly okay, and the cycle will continue, until I end up crashing as hard as I did a few months ago and ended up showing up at work intoxicated. I really don't think they could turn a blind eye the second time around.

Like I said, at this moment, I have an awareness of what's going on, what's been going on..I know the alcohol fueled the mania and made 10X worse. What I'm trying to do is hold onto this awareness, and I think staying home this weekend and sleeping will help me more than staying awake for the next three days to work ( Not that I have slept much at all in the past month, but still).

I want to do what I can do to keep away from triggers, and I know lack of sleep is a huge one for me.

I was wondering more about placing mental health and sobriety ahead of a job, and how people had dealt with that in their lives.

BackToSquareOne

Seems like kind of a tenuous debate your having with yourself, work causes lack of sleep which is a trigger to drink so should I risk getting fired by taking off. Of course your health is the most important thing but your job is also important. Maybe you could take sick leave to get it all sorted out.

Kjell

Hi Northend-

I don't think there is ever a good time to not go to work when you're supposed too. It's selfish. Period.

In all honesty, it sounds like you're sort of just planning on not going and trying to justify this under the spirt of you're going to think about getting better.

I had to act my way into healthy thinking. I simply couldn't think my way into healthy acting.

Your post is all over the place. I say this with kindness and concern b/c I'm not reading where you want to quit drinking? Maybe I'm wrong.

Kjell~

northend79

you're probably right Kjell...about looking for reasons to justify it.

I do want to stop drinking, though. I'm being sincere about that. I haven't drank since last weekend, and plan to continue on not doing so. I am examining what causes me to ruin my sobriety, and I know that stress has always been a major trigger, and also, if I'm honest with myself, working overnights makes it more difficult to stay sober, because it clouds my judgement. And I make irrational decisions such as deciding to drink again, after being sober for months. It's difficult even when I"m mentally stable, and the only reason I mentioned the mania is that my bipolar has been stable for years now, and this mania and nutso behaviour took me by so much surprise, I didn't even see it. And again, I'm not throwing up my hands saying " well! I Can't help but drink, I'm manic!"....it's more, what caused this, well mania causes me to make poor decisions....I'm not looking to blame it, just trying to look at the bigger picture....what can I do to come down from this mania. 1. not drinking ( this I know) and 2. get some proper sleep.

I'm not saying that my alcoholism is due to this and this and this, and that I can't help but to drink. It's more as though, some people may say " I can't hang out with these people, or be at this certain place, it is too hard for me" For me, sleeping issues have always been a major thing, I tend to obsess over sleep, and I know in the past I have used alcohol as a self medication to induce sleep. ( even though I know it's not proper sleep.)


And with all due respect, and I mean this sincerely, mental illness is a true affliction. When someone is ill, they are ill. When someone has the flu, "acting healthy" does not get rid of the flu. There are many things one can do to prevent any illness, and lead a healthier lifestyle to fend off and prevent illness, but once someone is sick, they are sick, unfortunately. And I also know, being a health care professional, that even when someone is taking the proper steps to ensure optimal health, chronic illnesses can still flare up.

What I"m being sincere about is that I feel like I'm on the edge right now of being able to get a handle on things, or going over the deep end.

And I do apologize for this being all over the place, like I mentioned, I am having a lot of trouble focusing right now.

laurie6781

I so understand Northend.

I have been sober a long time now. My Bi Polar is pretty much in check. There are still 'triggers' though for the BP.

I am diabetic, and when my diabetes does one of it's turns and I have to re-evaluate because my blood sugars are all over the place, causing me stress, which causes more problems with the blood sugar, .................... it is then I will again start cycling experiencing more and more manic episodes.

Yes mental illness is a true health condition.

To some you may seem 'all over the place' but ....................... since BP'd do seem to have a 'different' thought process, I have been able to follow you with no problem, lol

And yes, sleep issues are a biotch and can definitely be another trigger.

Keep posting. Maybe take a 'short' leave of absence from work (a week or so) and try and get some rest, so you can plot a 'plan' for staying sober.

As I think of possible helpful solutions I will post more.

Love and hugs,

rws177

Hey northend

Well if it were me I would personally go into work and crash out afterwards. When I did miss work in the past due to being hung over I would not sleep and littlerally obsess over the fact that I was missing work thus adding more problems/stress in my life....The last time I went into work hungover I muscled through the day, went to an AA meeting after and when my head hit the pillow that night I felt a little better about things. I do not know what it is like to have bi-polar but do have depression, anxiety, insomnia and alcohol issues. As you already know though the drinking makes everything so much worse. I hope you feel better soon :-)

northend79

I know that going into work is more than likely the best thing to do. I'm not trying to be one of those people who come looking for advice and then ignore what people tell them, but I did call in sick. Only because my thought process is so scattered, and I know on my last two shifts, it took me 3X as long to do anything, and a couple of points during the night patients asked me for pain meds, and I completely forgot to go to them. People were telling me I didn't seem myself, and I know I am more scatterbrained today and tired than I was two days ago, and I am worried about making a med error or something along those lines. I would not be able to live with myself if I did something that had the potential to hurt someone, and I knew going in that I was nowhere's near the top of my game.

Seeing as I look after people in an acute setting, I do feel as though it's probably better for me not to go in tonight where I'm unable to focus on anything, but if it were any other job setting, I would more than likely just go in and bear through it.

I am hoping that I can sleep tonight and that tomorrow I will feel more able to deal with things.

Kjell

Hey North-

I've been there. I know exactly what it's like and it's a baddddd place to be.

I kept messing up, kept calling in, and I was a supervisor. I had people directly under me and they knew I was a big party guy.

I was eventually fired from this job (11 years seniority, company credit card, 5 weeks of vacation, traveling around the U.S., lots of perks).

I'd hate to see you end up the same way. Trust me when I say they notice.

...and keep posting, keep trying. You're doing great just by coming on here and talking about it. It's progress for sure.

Side-by-side we go

Kjell~

Hollyanne

Hi Northend,
Gave up work for a while last year. Better to quit, and take care of yourself before trying to care for others. Nurses are the most ridiculous when it comes to being bad at minding themselves. Of course you are right not to go in tonight.
FMLA paperwork needs to be filed ASAP to cover your butt. You are not well and only when you can focus on yourself, will you get better.
I was at work once, and a beautiful young nurse went manic and paranoid due to BPD. It was very traumatic for everyone and it really bugged me when I learned, that the night staff had been "minding" her for a while before this. She was a traveller so there was little she could do regarding her job.
You can try to get a less stressful/responsible job and certainly no nights.
Best to you and please, take care of you.

Smile123

If you are serious about getting better and putting this behind you, go talk to a representative in the HR dept about what is going on (legally they are bound to keep that information confidential). Tell them you need help for both alcoholism and regulating your bi-polar disorder. I would imagine that in the healthcare industry you would have excellent benefits that would help you save your job AND more importantly your life. Let them see that you are being proactive about this and your job should be protected.

Zebra1275

If it would me I would go to work. You have a profession that is in demand but this is still a very tough economy and if you lose your job, you may have trouble getting another one right away. Obviously any job you apply for is going to check with your last previous employer. And if you find another nursing position, as the new hire you are going to get the worst shifts, and you will probably make less $.

You also need to stop drinking and give your meds an opportunity to work. Drinking is not helping you.

NYCDoglvr

Not an insignificant number of recovering alcoholics suffer from depression and bi-polar disorder. And many of us drank as a way of self-medicating, which it sounds like what you're doing. You can still stop drinking; good idea to talk to your physician and be upfront about your alcohol intake.

KissMyTiara

I wouldn't want someone that was hungover and manic and making mistakes caring for me in a health environment.

Sorry I haven't figure out how to quote...but commenting on Kjell to go back to work or else its selfish.

northend79

I do know that alcohol and bipolar often go hand in hand. Before my diagnosis years ago, is when my alchohol intake was it it's highest. Self medicating, one hundred percent.

I am honest about with my doctor about my alcohol intake. I have an appointment this week in which it will be discussed.


I myself would not want a manic or hungover nurse looking after me or a loved one. Which is what is prompting me to stay home from work. I have not gone into work hungover since last fall, and that was not a good situation. However, have I been going into work this past month while off my rocker manic? yes I have. Although, I had not realized it.

One of the things that clued me into the fact that I was manic that I had started drinking again, and thinking it was totally okay. Self medicating, more than likely. But what concerns me more is the thought process that lead from A to B. The drinking concerns me very much. But I also have to look at what made me think it was okay. This is not a situation where I've been blindly drinking and not realizing that it's something I can't do. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol since November ( and even then, I had been sober leading up to that, although, that fall had nothing to do with bi polar). This is my first situation of going manic while actively trying to stay sober, and I had no clue that it would be so difficult. Not difficult as in that it was a struggle not to be drinking, just that I started drinking again without a single freaking care or thought, although drinking isn't the only thing I messed up on.

I talked to two of my closest girlfriends yesterday, and they both said they had been planning on talking to me this weekend, as I have been acting rather bizarre this past month, and they were worried. That's after only talking on the phone and maybe 2 or 3 lunches together, so that concerns me. They don't even know the half of it, and I worry about how I'm coming off at work, around people who see me 50+ hours a week.

I told my girlfriends about the drinking, and that upset them, because they know I've been working hard to stay sober. I have some social engagements that I can't really avoid this month coming up. One being a birthday/girls get together, and one of them has offered to come with me and stay sober, and the other friend has offered to come to the annual summer barbeque next weekend and stay sober with me. She has also offered to drive me, and if I feel uncomfortable due to the drinking, or if I seem to be getting too keyed by being around a large group of loud people, we will leave.

Staying sober and mentally stable are my two biggest challenges in life. I know how closely they affect each other. I know that from personal experience, and I also know from being a health care professional.

I know that I need to stop drinking, I guess effectively I have, as I am not actively drinking and plan to stay sober. Although, my mental health is not optimum right now, and I know how overnights can continue to escalate my mania. That's almost the equivalent of giving someone having an athsma attack a cigarette to smoke. Throwing fuel in the fire. I am also a single mother. All I do is look after people. I cannot risk getting more ill. The last time I tried to plough through work even after seeing the warning signals I ended up in the hospital for a month. I don't want to put my son through that again. Nor do I, like I said, want to risk my patients safety .

So, out of concern for the people I look after, my desire to stay sober, and to try and deescalate this mania and do everything I can to avoid the depression that always follows, I'm taking some time off of work.

I don't want to miss work, and missing work is going to send my anxiety through the roof. However, I do feel as though this is the only rational decision I've made in the past month. I don't doubt for one second there is a good chance I will be let go due to this.

I love my career, however, I want to be known as a nurse who gives good care, and I would 100% rather have people talk about me at work, or have to explain to a potential new employer that I was let go due to attendance issues, rather than being a nurse who is known to have come into work, made mistakes, and acted bizarrely. If I weigh the pros and cons, I feel that is the better/safer option.

Kablume

I was going to ask if you are under the care of a psychiatrist. I was in your shoes but not in the position as a nurse. I went out under a FMLA for my bipolar. I was not honest yet about my drinking to my doctor. If you are serious about stopping drinking, you should get real honest with your doctor. As people have said, bipolar and alcohol do not mix, especially with meds. When I got honest about the drinking, I went to AA to get sober. I could not stop drinking on my own for very long. I would always get drunk again. I have now been sober for 21 months and my bipolar has been in balance for the first time in a long time.
I hope you find a path that works for you. If you are drinking on meds, you are putting your life at risk. I know when I was drinking, I put myself in high risk situations. Please consider that. Let us know how you are doing.

SoberNVa

I will say right now I have never disagreed more with a post. I too am bipolar and go through the same things. minus the drinking for a few years.I can assure you that the OP is not just trying to get out of going to work. Bipolar is a horrible,life-changing illness. It causes much devastation and misery to its sufferers.During an episode,it is not possible to "act my way into right thinking" as members of a certain fellowship like to say.Bipolar is a mental illness and program stuff wont work on it. Her post is all over the place becuse she is manic at this time.
to the original poster, I hope it all works out for you. Perhaps you could go to them and level with them about what is going on. I bet they would be willing to work with you and accomodate you(mental illness is a disability ). Post back and let us know how it went.

Kjell

Hi SoberNVA-

You can assure that the OP is not just trying to get out of work? How? The OP even admited that may be the case.

I'm speaking on the drinking and not going into work. That is selfish as the employer and co-workers are expecting you to be there, I know this b/c I used to do it all the time.

I have no experience with bipolar and wasn't speaking on that, but I understand that to be a tough condition.

PS - I used to live in Richmond, VA. Right on top of Church Hill. Awesome town. My hang outs were the Hill Cafe and Poes Pub

Kjell~