Artoro

Hi all.

I'm at a point now where I feel like abstaining from alcohol isn't the main problem anymore. It's just all the other things. Life. I'm so incredibly frustrated with my life now that I just have to share and hope for some guidance.

I quit drinking in August 2009 but relapsed last February. So technically it's three months sober now. I'm 36, unemployed (no income the whole year), got huge debts, loads of unpaid bills. I'm selling my appartment and am pretty much down to living on packed tuna, rice and oats. Not the best situation, but still just a situation. What bugs me the most is my attitude towards life in general, my total lack of drive to do anything about this or whatever else. The indifference, the boredom, the purposelessness that is just eating me up slowly. It's like my self-destructiveness influences every breath I take. All the decent jobs I left, the family life that I screwed up, all the things I've started and quit. I even dropped out of university when all left was to write my B.A. essay. My life actually seems like a journey in avoiding to use my talents.

I didn't know what to expect when I quit drinking but it certainly wasn't this. I think it shows that I have to completely revaluate my recovery and make drastic changes. I have to get my life together somehow.

Like many alcholics I'm way too self-centred and tend to muse about me and my situation days on end. In my experience this kind of self-analysis usually only ends up as a round-trip. You're nowhere further than when you started. Generally I find that I'm happier the less I ponder about myself and the more I think about somebody else or something else. But this is easier said than done and often I feel like I'm kind of stuck in some rut. And I'm bored with it. I'd like to start to act my way into a new way of thinking rather than think my way into a new way of acting, if that makes sense. I just don't know where to start. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all now.

CarolD

To find my new purpose and joy in life...I re connected to God and began working the Steps of AA.....

hope things sort out for you soon...

Dee74

Do you think it possible you're depressed Arturo - more than just situationally?
Have you seen a Dr or counsellor about it?

D

Mark75

I think that may be a universal truth... Certainly I can relate to that statement on a very basic and fundamental level...

It sounds like you may be suffering from untreated alcoholism. Have you thought about AA?

cabledude

Nicely said. I had stretches where I lacked clear and confident direction for months, winding up in a panic and doing damage control for the results of my sloth.

Ennui paralysed me now and then too but always passed after some string of days.

In several of those spots I'd get clarity from talking with other sober guys who told me what I couldn't see, and then I could see it too. One reminded me I was a salesman for many years, and the best use of my talent was to sell things instead of repairing broken items. I knew that, I mean I knew that after he mentioned it, and so I joined the sales dept at my work which worked out very well for me.

If you are close to someone who's judgement you respect, why not lay it all out and listen?

PapaNico

Hey Artoro--,
First, let me just say that you have really gotten me through a couple of rough patches lately, so I hope I am able to somehow return the favor. What is it that would make you most happy? Would it be finding a job so you can dine on things other than tuna and oats? Perhaps you need to speak with an advisor at your college and see what it would take to wrap things up there... it always feels great to tie up a loose end, right? Carol makes the great point that often times reconnecting spiritually with your god helps to provide guidance and direction, which has also helped me as of late. You have also submitted some posts that lead me to believe you are active in some sports, is this an outlet from which you might be able to find some satisfaction and/or purpose?
Get out and find something that you can be "self-centered" about! To me, that sounds like what you need right now. I am finding out that life happens so quickly that we must find the time to do the things that we enjoy before our youth passes us by. I hope you enjoy your weekend Artoro.

PN

ps- Tomorrow will be day 12 for me, and will also be 19 out of 22 days. Thanks for helping make this little miracle happen.

Antiderivative

I have been where you have been; the boredom, apathy, and floundering around with no sense of direction. It sucks and its a terrible place to be.

It sounds like you need to try something new. Instead of intellectually pondering where to start, do something about it. Take action and make new mistakes. Find some direction and take action and as you uncover your way, you can always change direction. You don't always have to stay on the same path, but a find a path follow it.

Healthy and normal people get motivated by their problems and look for solutions. For years, I did the opposite. I didn't deal with them, sulked in self-pity, got self-righteous at the world, etc. I still do this at time and its easy to revert back to old behavior. It takes awhile to correct bad habits and it is tough at times, but it can be done.

I find that when I focus on solutions and take action, instead of dwelling on myself, my problems, shifting my problems, distorting my problems, and creating problems out of nothing, I am in a better place. That is just my experience. I hope you find what you need.

newby1961

Man don't sceam at me but I swear you really are right where you ought to be for having 3 months.

I spent numerous years getting off the booze/dope and in the 1st few months my brain would wake up and I would start having all these feelings and since I had never dealt w/them before I returned to drinking.

I thought when I got sober somehow I should feel better than I did, or that life shouldn't be as difficult as it was, so I would return to the only thing I knew drinking. It would work for a few days, sometimes even a few weeks but I was always way worse off than when I was sober.

You just have to know your body, mind, & spirit is just healing we have done a whole lot of damage to ourselves and it is going to take time.

Out of desperation I started going to AA meetings because I had to go somewhere where I could find some hope, and AA did, and does that for me.

Your right about helping others and believe me in meetings I found lots of people that felt even worse than I did.

If I really had thought about it, my best day drunk, was not better than my worse day sober. (I think that's out that saying goes?)

When I feel like I having nothing to be grateful about I take out a piece of paper and I write all the things I have in my life that I am grateful for because it can always be a lot worse.

Heck at least you have tuna & oats you could be eating jail slop. You can always go to a foodbank if you need food that bad.

Keep posting by getting it out it might lessen it some. Hang in there. Peace

Artoro

Thanks for the responses. I read them through a couple of times before going to sleep and I have to say I felt much better in the morning.

Maybe the tone of my post was a bit too dramatic but still my last couple of weeks have been really bad and I think it's obvious I got to make some serious changes and start to reconsider things that I've dismissed so far, like spirituality and AA.

I went to counselling for about a year but I wasn't really frank and candid about my problems. To be honest I loathed going there, I've never felt comfortable talking about my problems and feelings with anyone. But I'm going back as soon as I kick myself hard enough to find a job.

I asked my counsellors if they thought I was depressed and neither was sure. I don't know if it is depression or just a gloomy outlook on life. My periods of difficulty usually seem connected with some practical troubles like finances or some kinds of hard decisions to be made. Having all the time in the world to ponder doesn't help either.

I actually know precisely what I want to do. It's just that it seems to be a part of me that puts up great resistance no matter what. I've got work to do now to get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem and find the drive to get things done. Start addressing my issues and working on my recovery on another level.



Thanks for the kind words Papa. I'm really glad if I was able to help you in some way. I always like your posts!

Well time for a delicious lunch of tuna & oats and then I'm off to a soccer tournament with my son. Have a nice day good people!

MrDavid

Suggestion multiplied...

Boleo

"There's More to Quitting Drinking than Quitting Drinking"

This is not just a slogan (it is also a book). If abstinence alone could keep us sober we would not need any 12-step programs.

For me the ISM part of alcoholism started where the bottle ended. It was till I found an alternative way of being comfortable in my own skin, that sobriety was worth having.

artsoul

It's easy to see how you could feel overwhelmed right now, but it sounds like you're headed in the right direction. AND you're sober - now that's something to feel good about!

Even if you just make one small goal each day (a phone call or writing a resume or taking a walk), it might help increase your momentum. Or.... write a list for the week and check things off as you do them. It helps to have it on paper because we can see our progress.

I used to do a lot of "thinking" about my problems, too (actually it was usually "drinking and thinking"!) Now I try to limit it to what's in front of me and just figure out what I can do for that day - so far it's worked just as well if not better than all the wondering and worrying I used to do.

Hope things begin to improve for you. Hang in there!:ghug3

firewalkwithme

i feel you atleast in my own ways... i'm very close to a full year of sobriety, and i still can't find even a joke of a job. i've actually been TRYING to be more open/outgoing and can't meet anybody new to hang with or get out with, i'm still down on the rocks with me and the ex. family problems are still lingering amok emotionally/mentally. loneliness is high. so while i may not have huge wisdom like words for you, just know you aren't fighting it alone my friend.

Brette

I find that helping others brings a higher purpose. I'm currently applying to the BIG BROTHER/BIG SISTER program. I know I could be a great "big sis" to some girl out there.

NYCDoglvr

I believe the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) says that drinking alcohol is but a symptom. It's called the "disease of attitudes" and in order to stay sober, I had to work the steps of AA with a sponsor. When I cut back on meetings I go right back to self-centered fear, enormous ego/low self-esteem, self-will, the misery.