Reality bites
Hi all.
I'm at a point now where I feel like abstaining from alcohol isn't the main problem anymore. It's just all the other things. Life. I'm so incredibly frustrated with my life now that I just have to share and hope for some guidance.
I quit drinking in August 2009 but relapsed last February. So technically it's three months sober now. I'm 36, unemployed (no income the whole year), got huge debts, loads of unpaid bills. I'm selling my appartment and am pretty much down to living on packed tuna, rice and oats. Not the best situation, but still just a situation. What bugs me the most is my attitude towards life in general, my total lack of drive to do anything about this or whatever else. The indifference, the boredom, the purposelessness that is just eating me up slowly. It's like my self-destructiveness influences every breath I take. All the decent jobs I left, the family life that I screwed up, all the things I've started and quit. I even dropped out of university when all left was to write my B.A. essay. My life actually seems like a journey in avoiding to use my talents.
I didn't know what to expect when I quit drinking but it certainly wasn't this. I think it shows that I have to completely revaluate my recovery and make drastic changes. I have to get my life together somehow.
Like many alcholics I'm way too self-centred and tend to muse about me and my situation days on end. In my experience this kind of self-analysis usually only ends up as a round-trip. You're nowhere further than when you started. Generally I find that I'm happier the less I ponder about myself and the more I think about somebody else or something else. But this is easier said than done and often I feel like I'm kind of stuck in some rut. And I'm bored with it. I'd like to start to act my way into a new way of thinking rather than think my way into a new way of acting, if that makes sense. I just don't know where to start. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all now.