kmkluvr1

Hi, I'am a F&F, and was hoping I could come here and ask a question. I have had two realtionships with alcoholics, and one of them I have a son wtih. I have been wondering if.....well to me I feel like I know that they both love/loved me, but it was hard to tell. To me when you love someone it should come easy for the other person to feel/see/know that you love them by your actions. But of course being alcoholics they seemed to preoccupied, and not really into showing that much true affection, leading me to believe that it was something wrong with me. I guess I am just trying to get some perspective from the other side, seeing as how my axbf can in no way what-so-ever express himself in a sober healthy way. I wanted to know if you as an A really love your spouse? We have been seperated since Jan, and though I still believe he loves me and he tells me he loves me, he does nothing to prove or change or help himself, or our situation. I keep trying to tell myself that he is not in control of his life. But I mean if he really did love me and his son and want to be a family, wouldnt he do something? Does he really love me? Is he capable of loving someone, with this addiction in his life? Im confused...thanks

NobleCause

I am divorced. I ultimately left the marriage to avoid being confronted about my drinking, to not be held accountable for stopping, and to flee the constant reminders of the damage I'd wrought when drunk. I loved my ex-husband very, very much, but I had no handle on my drinking and, for myriad reasons, wasn't ready to stop. It seemed less complicated for all involved for me to just split, and so one day I did - doesn't mean for a second that I didn't love him, just that my priority was in satisfying the daily need for a drink, as it felt like the most urgent thing in my world. It's got little to do with love, in my opinion, and much more with being truly ready to stop.

omegasupreme

More importantly...why are you attracted to people like me?

Mark75

I love(d) my wife very very much, and my kids... They are all awesome!!! I had a jealous mistress for a while... I got rid of her.

Good luck to you, prayers.

kmkluvr1

OMEGA- ugh good question....trying to figure that out now...had a fine childhood very thankful for that and my family, no hardships i can look back and on and think, "hhmm maybe that is why"

Noble- i hear you , i don't think he is ready, i would just hope that after 15 years of doing th same ol same ol, with the same people he would move on to new stage in life with his son and i.

omegasupreme

Not that I am a bad person or anything, just sicker than a dog...well a few may still contest this, lol...anywho...this recently showed up in my inventory as to whether or not I actually loved my ex wife. The rigorous truth is no, I did not, she was convenient.

What I am getting at is this, does it really matter, do you still need something from either of those men to be okay? OR...all along did you just want to be loved by someone? If it is the later of the two I would be willing to bet you have some people in your life that love you, like that little boy...and even if not God loves you...just may not be the way WE wanted to be loved...I have to remember "What I want does NOT matter." It is about what He wants.

CarolD

If you are still having sex with him...I hope you are now
useing birth control. Lots ' and lots of birth control.

Then there is the issue of child support and custody that
needs to be in place. Legally in place.

hope you find peace in your life ..blessings to you and your boy.

aasharon90

It was taught to me to love all no matter what. However,
I also learned that I don't have to like that person. And
I have many I don't like or care about. And that's ok with
me.

I have always wanted and needed that love that you'd get
from parents that brought us in the world. Mothers who give
us birth. To have that special love and caring bond.

That love caring bond was destroyed when I was physically,
verbally and emotionally abused. Over the yrs. I kept going
back to her to strengthen that bond to only be reject one time
too many. She's the sick parent uncapable of giving the love
I so deperately needed from her due to her own addictions.

When I had my own 2 children, I loved then, cared for them,
encoraged them, supported them and gave them all the emotional
stability I could give them even when I was sick before during and
after my drinking.

My first husband I loved him to the best of my ability and yet over
our 25 yr marriage Ive come to not like him very much like I did
when I first met him.

Today Im remarried 2 yrs now and my husband and I love each
other very much. This love is a gift in recovery and all we share
together is built on love trust and honesty. The key to a happy,
sucessful loving marriage in recovery.

GettingStronger2

Hmmm. That was the first question that came to my mind.

I would suggest trying to seek Love from within, rather than from someone else, especially sick people. Spoken from experience, pain and growth.

artsoul

I think any kind of addiction makes it hard to love ourselves and/or another person fully. I think it depends on the person, how long and how much they've been drinking, etc....... At the end stage, certainly an alcoholic can be in bad shape, have personality changes, etc.....

We are also individuals with individual personalities. (I have to admit I cringe sometimes when I read the generalizations on F&F). I don't believe that everything that is wrong with a marriage is necessarily the product of alcoholism. (I think that viewpoint actually gives some people false hope that if their spouse stops drinking it will fix every problem and they'll live happily ever after).

Sorry you're having these struggles. I really do hope you can get some answers for yourself and your son. :ghug3

Sugah

I can only speak from my experience. I have four children now (two from my body, two who've become mine in a marriage to a widower) and I've raised a number of others through the years and through other relationships. I've always loved my kids in some sort of primal way, though in sobriety, I can look back and see how cut off I was from them. It was the same with the men in my life and my parents and friends. I may have been possessive about their time and attention and I may have done things to try to please them, but it wasn't the kind of love I feel now.

When we talk about alcoholism as a disease of the ego, it sounds like we care and think so much about ourselves that we have nothing left for others. But the ego can work in reverse. Know how it's said that until you can love yourself, you're not capable of loving others? It's kind of like that. I had so much self-loathing, I couldn't believe others could love me, and I didn't believe in their love, it was difficult if not impossible to return it.

Yes, I cared. Yes, I loved, though it was a thin kind of love, and as Toni Morrison said, "Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all." I don't love thinly anymore.

Love yourself. That's a good place to start.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

loveon2legs

Yes, I love, and have loved.. too much I gave and gave and lost who I was. I picked the wrong men, was abused...my self worth was gone.....I pushed the people who really loved me away...and stuck with the ones who treated me the way I thought I should be treated....I lived in my own bondage of self hatred...but I still loved.... I'm proud to say that is all behind me now...lessons have been learned...and time has healed the wounds... Alcohol to me is satan's juice.....it strips your soul away...

kmkluvr1

Ok Omega, you are really hitting it on the head here i think, i can see looking back now the relationship with the first A, that yes i believe convinence for him was the case.

I guess I am just still trying to hang on and see if it will ever work out for us to be family with our boy, we are still a family just not the way i would hope it would be, I guess its not what He/God wants for us. I do love him, and everytime i think i am moving forward with all of this, something seems to take me two steps back. Will this roller coaster ever end?

I completely understand what some of you are saying that there is something wrong with me, and i need to see to that and even if he were to stop drinking it may not fix everything. I believe that i have already tryed to start to recognize with in myself what i REALLY know is true, that i have settled, just to try to get/feel"love" from some people who may not be able to. and why?, i dont know...

Thanks all so much, it is just so darn confusing!

Supercrew

I think it probably has a lot to do with the person and his/her upbringing. In high school I got hurt by a girl, and I drank over it heavily and swore I would never let it happen again. My family, although very functional and tightknit was never overly affectionate growing up. I developed a very strong, macho, hardened demeanor during these years. Basically nothing really ever phased me. Death, life, failure, success were all learned to be handled by drinking.

I remember vividly when I about 25 years old, and telling my best friend at the time that I was planning on getting married, he said "Crew, why would you do that, I have known you for 10 years and it's obvious to me that you are incapable of loving anyone". That statement hit me right between the eyes. Why?? Because it was pretty damn true. I cared for alot of people and I liked alot of people, but the feeling of love was foriegn to me.

Well I got married and I have always cared for and liked my wife, but until I had my son I don't feel as if I really ever loved anyone when I was drinking. I felt love for my son. Since being sober the majority of the last year, II am feeling stronger feeling towards my wife and extended family that I have never felt before. I am more emotional, and I am feeling closer to people now. I can now honestly say that I love my wife and my older stepson today.

To me drinking had basically erased that emotion for a majority of my life. So now I am learning how to love.

Supercrew

On a side note kmk, one of the main reasons that I think I was able to finally quit drinking and be happy with the decision was because of the love I had for my son and myself.

omegasupreme

You are preaching to the choir sister, I hung on for ages thinking the very same thing. I got free of this by writing tons of inventory...the cool thing is the same process and Power that allowed me to get free can and will work for you too! If you are willing to submit to that process you might try attending some Al-Anon meetings and I bet they will be more than happy to get you started. People like me are your drug Welcome to recovery!

kmkluvr1

I think I have been trying everything but Al-anon, but I know I should give it a try.

Raindance

I love my family very much. Love may be able to build a bridge, but love can't cure an addiction. Alcoholics love probably more than most, they also hate more than most, they hate themselves mostly.

Supercrew

I guess it depends on the person. I never really loved anything aside from myself and alcohol for a very long time.

Reset

The drink dulled most of my emotions apart from depression and anger. I guess I loved but not really with the depth I should have (if that makes sense).

Now that I've been sober for a few months I'm starting to re-discover that depth with my children especially. I'm hoping that I'll be able to reconnect with my wife in due time.

But it's taken a while. Maybe give him some more time if you feel you can spare it.