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Do alcoholics love

Old 05-10-2011, 02:47 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Recommended reading:

"Drinking-A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. Very illustrated real life details on how alcoholics "love".

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Old 05-10-2011, 08:23 PM
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I have been wondering if.....To me when you love someone it should come easy for the other person to feel/see/know that you love them by your actions. But of course being alcoholics they seemed to preoccupied, and not really into showing that much true affection, leading me to believe that it was something wrong with me. I guess I am just trying to get some perspective from the other side.

This reply is strictly from my point of view only, applying only to me as an alcoholic. One of my apparent hobbies as an active alcoholic was destroying relationships and hurting those who cared about me the most.

My experience: There are certain things in my past that predate every relationship that I have been in. I am naturally ashamed of these things and I do not want others, especially any significant other, to know. The more I hide them, the worse the shame and guilt gets. Basically, I did not like myself, yet wanted these women to like me for the image I presented to them. I had absolutely no business being in a relationship because I had nothing to offer. Low self-esteem coupled with an inflated ego led me to become even more attached to girlfriends because it was like the alcohol for me, it made me feel better about myself to have someone there when I wanted them. Selfish? Yes. I cared about them, but primarily because of the way that they made me feel. I didn't really concern myself with what they wanted out of the relationship.

So....after rambling, I would say that no...for me personally, I am not capable of being in a healthy relationship while I am actively drinking and not working a program of recovery. When I'm in this state, I'm in self-destruct mode and that's poison to a relationship. Am I capable of being in a healthy relationship while sober and working a program of recovery? Yeah...I think so.
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 View Post
I think I have been trying everything but Al-anon, but I know I should give it a try.
Let me know if you need any information regarding Al-Anon.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:28 AM
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BHF: This sounds like it could be the case or at least a little for axbf.



My experience: There are certain things in my past that predate every relationship that I have been in. I am naturally ashamed of these things and I do not want others, especially any significant other, to know. The more I hide them, the worse the shame and guilt gets. Basically, I did not like myself, yet wanted these women to like me for the image I presented to them. I had absolutely no business being in a relationship because I had nothing to offer. Low self-esteem coupled with an inflated ego led me to become even more attached to girlfriends because it was like the alcohol for me, it made me feel better about myself to have someone there when I wanted them. Selfish? Yes. I cared about them, but primarily because of the way that they made me feel. I didn't really concern myself with what they wanted out of the relationship.
I am starting to think that i was just a convenience for him too, after it was brought to my attention yesterday.

Thank you Omega, I have a local Al-anon group that i have threaten myself with every Monday, even drove by once. Last night just the thought of going in there brought me to tears. When does the sadness stop? One day I am fine and the next i am a mess, all the while he seems to be just fine. He tells me loves........but I pretty sure he doesnt or at least not in a way that would work for us. Then all of the questions begin again, 4 years and a son, and he doesnt even put up fight? what was all the time together? How can he say he cares and do nothing? When will i stop going through this cycle of pain, sadness and confusion? Oh my gosh sorry for going on and on , i saw axbf drug using sister yesterday, who is a down right worthless in my book, and not a suitable mother(to say the very least), which put me in a bad mood, from then on. Thanks all, time to work.........
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 View Post
BHF: This sounds like it could be the case or at least a little for axbf.





I am starting to think that i was just a convenience for him too, after it was brought to my attention yesterday.

Thank you Omega, I have a local Al-anon group that i have threaten myself with every Monday, even drove by once. Last night just the thought of going in there brought me to tears. When does the sadness stop? One day I am fine and the next i am a mess, all the while he seems to be just fine. He tells me loves........but I pretty sure he doesnt or at least not in a way that would work for us. Then all of the questions begin again, 4 years and a son, and he doesnt even put up fight? what was all the time together? How can he say he cares and do nothing? When will i stop going through this cycle of pain, sadness and confusion? Oh my gosh sorry for going on and on , i saw axbf drug using sister yesterday, who is a down right worthless in my book, and not a suitable mother(to say the very least), which put me in a bad mood, from then on. Thanks all, time to work.........
Not to insult you...but you sound like me...after God sent those two mysterious letters (AA) into my mind with sufficient force for me to Google some meetings...I wrote down the meeting schedule and then tucked it away in my desk until two weeks later when the misses found it...she thought it was some other woman's phone number and the times and addresses we were going to meet, lol.

The sadness, the pain, it does not technically stop, but our perspectives on it change, today I can enjoy emotions, they are healthy.

Insight: When I told the misses I loved her that meant I wanted something. Only two things I can without a doubt say I ever loved...booze/dope and God. Everything else just kinda fit in somewhere if you catch my drift. Now did I want to love them...yes, but that is a whole other conversation.

Park your can in a meeting OR not. Crushed by this self imposed(yes, I really meant self imposed) crisis...what is your choice to be???

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Old 05-11-2011, 10:47 AM
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Omega, Thank you for the advice and insight, Monday night will come sooner than I think, and 'll just have to decide then. I did however print out Step One from the Al-Anon 12 steps, and I am looking forward to some homework.
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:15 AM
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Absolutely I love my husband and my child. I love my child more than I feel I could ever love myself. Even in my active addiction (which was not too long ago as I am early into my recovery), I did love my husband.

Although we have had many, many problems in our marriage, I made a commitment to him that I fully intend to keep. My addiction certainly have caused problems between the two of us but after I stopped drinking in July 09, he was never aware of my addiction to pain pills/benzos.

I honestly cannot say that I am "happily" married but the underlying reasons for that have nothing to do with my addiction. It runs much deeper than that.I am determined to make it work for the sake of our child.

Anyways I have gotten off topic (insert my shocked face :O, lol ) but the main point being, I believe that it is different for everyone.

-Jess
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:56 AM
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Of course we do.

Sometimes we love the drink more than the person we are with ... sometimes we love the person we are with , with all we have but in our own selfishness we focus on ourselves and own desires.

Seeing/feeling/knowing you are loved is often an issue with the person who is not feeling it as well. Our idea's of what love is and how it is expressed is taught to use through various forms of society.

Sometimes tough love sure as hell doesn't feel like love to the person getting kicked out for their own good.

Also in a recent case with me. It didn't matter how much I did/said/showed love through my eyes. It was perceived that I didn't love them enough or as much because it wasn't " their idea " of how love should be expressed.


The 5 languages of love is a decent read and Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" has some good examples of how the myths and expectations cause alot of pain and hardships in relationships where it's just miscommunication and misunderstanding.
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by NobleCause View Post
I am divorced. I ultimately left the marriage to avoid being confronted about my drinking, to not be held accountable for stopping, and to flee the constant reminders of the damage I'd wrought when drunk. I loved my ex-husband very, very much, but I had no handle on my drinking and, for myriad reasons, wasn't ready to stop. It seemed less complicated for all involved for me to just split, and so one day I did - doesn't mean for a second that I didn't love him, just that my priority was in satisfying the daily need for a drink, as it felt like the most urgent thing in my world. It's got little to do with love, in my opinion, and much more with being truly ready to stop.

Well said.


Also a few side thoughts. Ironically for me , I had a much much easier time expressing my love and affection when drinking. I felt less stressed and more relaxed , the little minute things didn't irritate me etc. I felt more comfortable.

Also , towards the end it almost feels like perhaps you left with the idea of forcing him to change and now you are hurting because he hasn't ? If that's the case , then it's going to be a lose/lose situation I believe. If you aren't truly finished and done and out of love and ready to move on then you will continue to hurt when he doesn't change.

If he changes and stops drinking he will most likely be a completely different person that you will barely know. If he does because yougave him an ultimatum and he really doesn't want to quit then he may grow to resent that. ( not always )

Not drinking may have nothing to do with his lack of affection, he also may be drinking MORE because he thinks you are attempting to control him by leaving. Bottom line , I think it's really important that you are sure in YOUR heart and mind that you are finished with the relationship and him before you decide to move on and leave. Us alkies can be very persuasive and charming when we want something.
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:34 PM
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In my opinion addicts are self obsessed.
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:57 PM
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Also , towards the end it almost feels like perhaps you left with the idea of forcing him to change and now you are hurting because he hasn't ? If that's the case , then it's going to be a lose/lose situation I believe. If you aren't truly finished and done and out of love and ready to move on then you will continue to hurt when he doesn't change.
I honestly never thought of it like that, and that is why i love this place. Thank you....

I left because he was becoming physically abusive. Which was very scary because I can actually, recount every incident where his drunken behavior progressed each time, into a very early morning argument that led me to leave. And to where we are now.
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Old 05-11-2011, 01:09 PM
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That is an EXCELLENT reason to leave. And in time he may wake up to the reality and decide he wants to change for himself.,... to no longer be the person he was becoming.

But I wouldn't set your hopes and dreams on that. As said above , I would be working on what you need to do for you and your child/ren first and foremost.

I would be speaking to a lawyer ( even if you don't hire them ) to get their advice on how to proceed.

There are many different caveats in law and it can be a very painful drawn out process and at least having the information is the power to decide how you want to handle things going forward.
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