smashley

Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. We have both just turned 21, so obviously drinking is going to be around us and we are going to partake in this with our friends. I never put too much thought into the drinking but he has always drank...Every weekend, usually. Recently I have noticed more and more that he doesnt just have a couple drinks...he drinks to get drunk...annoying, obnoxious, sloppy drunk. I have stopped going out with him because it is pretty embarrassing at times. He has said some really mean things to me that I don't think he understands how much they hurt me when he is drunk, and then in the morning it is a sorry and its fine. I guess I don't put my foot down because I don't want to fight. He comes from a line of drinking in his family. Grandma is an alcoholic...Grandpa used to be, and his mom and dad drink alot as well. I'm not saying I don't drink, but it is one drink once a week, if that. I don't know what to do...and I don't know if he is even as bad as I think...but I am getting to the point where I don't want to be with him if he won't be sober when he is with me...I am sick and tired of taking care of him like a child...sick of worrying about him.
Help...

Zube

When I was 21 most 21 year olds that I hung around drank to get drunk. Wasted drunk. Now I'm 40, and I'm the only alcoholic of the bunch.

Alcoholic? Hard to say. Wish I could go back to 21 a know then what I know now. Life sure would have been different.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend.
Zube
sober since November 21st, 2010

DayTrader

How much, how often and what he does when he's drinking doesn't really have anything to do with whether he's an alcoholic or not. It's a good indication of whether he's a problem drinker or not.....but not all problem drinkers are real alcoholics.

1. Can he control how much he drinks once he starts? -- can he "just have a couple" if/when he sets his mind to it? Alternatively, does he set out to have a couple/several but sometimes find himself drinking more than he intended?

2. Can he stop and/or stay stopped when he sets his mind to it? -- can he control when he drinks and when he doesn't?

3. When he IS "not drinking".....what's his temperament like? Is he generally agreeable, kind and fun to be around or is he typically on edge......like he's out of place, anxious, and unhappy?

MANY problem drinkers have very serious drinking problems.......and it'll kill them for sure. They haven't, however, lost their ability to control when and how much they drink.....and when they're dry, they're generally pleasant ppl. The real alcoholic though, they can't control when they drink with any predictability, once they start they tend to almost always "over drink" what they planned to drink, and when they're dry........they're generally far from enjoyable ppl to be around.

As for YOU, regardless of whether he IS or ISN'T....... the big questions are: are you willing to be with him as he is? If not, are you willing to go your separate way or are you going to stick around (and for how long) to see if he'll change? What if he can't/doesn't change......do you still want to be with him?

.......and bear in mind..... if he is a real-deal alkie.....the odds of you convincing him of this "fact" is somewhere south of "slim to none." He'll have to come to that conclusion on his own. You may be able to help set the ball in motion but you can't make him pick it up and play........yanno?


(and for what it's worth....... looking back........ I don't believe I had a drinking problem in my teens or in my 20's but it suuuuure looks to me now like I was suffering from alcoholism - see, you don't have to be drinking to suffer from alcoholism).

Zube

I agree with Day Trader.

You can carry the message, but you can't carry the alcoholic.

Good Luck, Al-Anon might be of some interest to you...

Zube

MsCooterBrown

For me..from day 1 I drank to get drunk..that stayed with me for 30 years. And I gotta tell you..I only keep in touch with 2 other people that have known me that whole time. Out of those two 1 of them is still at it..The other one quit after college. I am sober..but it took me years to realize how sick I was becoming. If it is annoying to you now..multilply that by 20 times ..or better yet..go hang out and read some in the friends and family section. A life with an alcoholic is not something people choose..I wish you the best.

opmloser

All very valid points. It was mentioned that he has alcoholism in his family, THEREFORE, sounds like he is on his way as well and I'm sorry as hell for you. The basic problem is that an alcoholic has to come to the point where they realize it for themselves that they have a problem. All the confrontations in the world will not solve anything. You may want to dip into the family/friends threads and see what living & coping with a person in denial is like....

And I'll say one more thing before I shaddap: Alcoholism doesn't care if he's 21 yrs old - I was an alkie by 16.
Good luck to you!

Humbled77

Smashley-

When I was in college I hung out with some really fun friends, most of whom drank to varying degrees. I actually drank less than many of these folks at the time. Eventually, I turned into an alcoholic, some of the others who were heavier drinkers did not.

I still keep in touch with several of these folks and I can say that even the one's that don't have a clear problem, have lives that are affected in some way by alcohol (spouse, relative, choosing to drink beer on Saturdays instead of hiking with the family). My point is that, though you don't appear to have a problem yourself, alcohol is still affecting your life through your boyfriend. Whether or not he is an "official" alcoholic is not something that I would spend much time on. Rather you should focus on how his relationship with alcohol is affecting your life and happiness. Then make your decisions. In some situations it's the people around the person with a bad relationship with alcohol that are more affected than the drinker themselves.

I've had male and female friends that I had to just cut myself off from because of their alcohol induced behavior. And I am sure there were folks that did the same with me. You are young and with your education will have the world at your feet. Think hard and good luck.

CarolD

What would you advise your best friend to do if she was
involved with this man?

Welcome to SR...

TheEnd

Whether he is an alcoholic or not, really isn't the issue. The point is that it's affecting your relationship and you're unhappy, so you have to figure out how much you are willing to put up with. To me most 21 yr olds drink to get drunk, so it's a thin line there. You must do what is right for you.

Dee74

Welcome shmashley

I agree with Carol and TE

None of us here can tell you whether your bf is alcoholic or not - only you know if his drinking is a problem for you or not.

How much are you willing to put up with?
What would you advise if someone else was in this situation?

D

Supercrew

My wife stuck around and eventually married me, and she got to spend 21 years with a guy who drank to get drunk every weekend, then everyday. I am sober now and our relationship is strong, but if she had it to do over again I think she might have ran when she had the chance.

Humbled77

Wow can I relate to this. My wife is a saint. We met in college and have been together all 13 years since. She has loved me unconditionally and never made a big deal of my drinking, but I bet if she knew then what she knows now.......After myself, she is my first motivation.

ZZworldontheweb

"We have both just turned 21, so obviously drinking is going to be around us and we are going to partake in this with our friends"

Um, why? Is it really valid to say EVERYBODY who's 21 has to have alcohol present to have a good time?

Believe me, there are vast swaths of perfectly normal people who never go near alcohol.