Eddiebuckle

OK,

For some it is a "burning bush" type thing with a dramatic change in a short amount of time. I think for most, the spiritual awakening is a gradual process. You mentioned having worked some on your 4th step - that's hard stuff. And the 5th is hard too. And lets not get started on the whole making amends, it would be so much easier if we didn't actually have to go to those people from our past and take care of all that history.

For me, as I worked the steps I faced up to some pretty unpleasant stuff. And in doing that work and being honest, open, and willing in dealing with what was unearthed I think my spiritual awakening began. I doubt its a once and done thing. In fact, can I suggest a website from a SR person? It's a little intimidating at first but I thought he did a really good job going into the spiritual side of recovery.

Check it out: Alcoholism, Agnostics, "God Stuff" "Higher Power"

You're on the right track. But keep working the steps, your sobriety depends on it!

susanlauren

OklaBH: "I'm confused..I thought it was my program to work and I can do it as fast or slow as I want"

How well is that working for you? Based upon your original post, I would say, "Not so well." Maybe this is a matter of, "if all else fails, read (and follow) the directions". I am not saying that in judgment or to be smart or to be mean. Really, I'm not.

For the past eight months, I have been working "my program, my way". If you are interested, look at my posts on the 12 step forum thread "Am I Powerless Enough, Step One Question." Bottom line: my program, my way was and is a miserable failure.

And I am in enough pain that I will do whatever it takes to recover. I will not dilly dally around, taking my good old time. For me, it is not just a matter of my wanting it; it is a matter of my being willing to work for it. Not words, but actions.

A little over a week ago, I had no plans to work any of the steps. What happened? I don't really know. I was given a gift? Yes. God spoke to me through the people on this board? Yes. I accepted my powerlessness to the core of my being? All these things.

I don't think one can wish or will or even pray a "spiritual awakening" into being. I think that it is a byproduct of the actions we take. I think it is like planting a garden. We plant seeds, we water, we fertilize, we weed. But we don't cause the plants to grow.
Susan

Dee74

B,

The day I accepted that drinking was no longer a viable option for me, things got better.

I was so beaten down from my drinking, I knew I needed a different way - so I put everything I had into finding that different way and not drinking- no matter what the provocation, or trigger.

If I felt like drinking, I bothered anyone I could think of I thought could help - and I got through it.

I hope you find your way this time.

D

SSIL75

I just wanted to add too that while 'spiritual awakenings' are not part of my experience, there is a clarity of mind and purpose that is coming to me in sobriety. But it's literally coming clearer every day that I am sober. IME it's impossible to get better when you're still drinking. Just the chemical process or something, IDK.

I do think that the number of relapses you've had is just more fuel for your addiction and is robbing you of the time and head space you need to really enjoy sobriety enough to want to make it a lifestyle. I, too was stuck in 'have my cake and eat it too' zone (where I was reading/thinking about alcoholism enough that it felt like progress, but still drinking so I could get that release) and it's not enough. It's still alcohol in the front seat.

Don't underestimate the biochemical processes in operation when you're drinking. Your mind is not your own as long as you let that in your life.

aust72

Try to divert your mind in other work. Don't think about alcohol just do your work and try to totally involve yourself in work only.
Never thing anything else, think about work only.

keithj

I would just echo what susan said. If working 'your' program was working just fine for you, then I wouldn't say a word. But it's not. I had the same experience when I worked 'my' program. I kept getting drunk.

And then I worked the AA program of recovery following the directions in the BB. And I recovered.

Joe McQ is a solid guy. There's probably not much lacking in his book. But how you internalize that book as a path to a higher power can be helped by seeing how your experience relates to the BB experience.

OklaBH

Thx I just pulled into work and I'm terrified to walk in how did I become such a mess?!?

Fandy

you may be overthinking this. hope all is well.

OklaBH

Boss isn't here yet. People are being weird to me though

ANEWAUGUST

Hang in there...

It may be your perception that they are being weird, as you know the "truth" about why you missed work. That guilt used to eat me alive.

You mentioned your "routine" of drinking, how you stuck to it. Now that your safety net has been removed, you are asking.."what do I do, and how do I do it"?

I was more disciplined at times when drinking?

Why? Because if I kept functioning, I wasn't an alcoholic, was I? If I kept all the balls juggling in the air, I didn't have a problem.

Drinking is but a symptom...I still struggle sometimes with weekends and routines...but, I don't drink. It takes a long time to reprogram our minds and bodies to a new way of life.

The way to start this way of life.....get some sober time under your belt, and keep on keeping on!

OklaBH

My boss is being nice and asked if I would trade her saturdays so she can take vacation. Of course I jumped at it.

I felt disiplined when I drank...now its a different story. I prayed this morning and asked HP for strength and said "you can have it I can't do this anymore". I feel calm for some reason

ANEWAUGUST

Once we turn it over to our HP...we need to let it go, and not take it back.

Let it go..and get back to working your program as if your life depended on it.

Because in fact, your life does depend on it.

Fandy

I'm very happy for you that this additional stress has been removed. NOW you can relax and concentrate on work, school, sobriety and your life.

not to be debbie-downer, but remember how craptastic it feels and bring that front and center if you think you can drink.

Peace of mind and calmness are one of the most important things in my life too....I will not trade them for a bottle of wine.have a great rest of your day!!!

OklaBH

I'm still sure my boss doesn't like me. She's being nice and that's all care about. Knowing 100% that I can't drink made my day a little easier.

ronf

90% of the things we worry about never happen. SOOO, guess it works pretty good huh ?

Carpediem1

I don't know about you but for me I hit rock bottom, or at least I should say rock bottom for me. I'm a successful business woman and almost lost everything including my family. For me that was quite an awakening. But...I will say that you must turn to a "higher power" whatever that might be for you because this is too hard to try to go it alone. Try to go to as many AA meetings as you can. If you do not have a sponsor try to find one as soon as possible. I have always been big into spiritual/alternative book stores where they sell stones, cd's, books, incense, things like that. I always feel better spiritually and uplifted when I leave. Maybe you just need to find that higher power/spiritual connection that is right for you.
It's not easy, but you can do it. Hang in there.

Carpe Diem
"Seize the Day"