not sure what to do now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
not sure what to do now
I've been "recovering" for 3 months now. Sober time is nice. When I slip (4 times now) I get so depressed and anxious. My husband is working out of town. I went to see him this weekend. We had a phenomenal time. It makes me miss him even more. I got drunk saturday and couldn't come home yesterday. SO I came home today. I missed work and will probably get fired tomorrow. When I was drinking everyday I had a routine. It was sad and pathetic but it was mine. Everything seems so unsure and up in the air now. I don't know what to do. Don't drink, meetings, phone calls....I do that but its still hard to live totally opposite from the way I'm used to. The panic is killing me. I thought this would be easier. I see movies and read stories about alcoholics who have a big spiritual awakening. When will mine happen?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
In addition to going to meetings, have you found a sponsor and started working the steps? In addition to that, you'll never make progress if you keep drinking. Four slips in three months is not good. You have to be determined not to drink no matter what. Until you get that first step thoroughly down, you'll continue to have problems.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
When I first started to become sober, I realized I had not totally accepted that deep down, I truly am an alcoholic.
I wasn't drinking, yet, always thinking about what ifs.
I wasn't drinking, yet, entertained the thought in the back of my mind that eventually,
I may be able to drink socially.
So...I started, stopped, etc.
Finally...I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I was risking everything to consume something that was poison to my body.
I waved the white flag of surrender, and brought the wine bottle hid behind my back out, exposed to the light.
Now, I know I process alcohol differently, I am an alcoholic, I drank because I was sick, and I was sick because I drank.
I finally accepted step one and know now that I am truly powerless.
Then...I was able to work the other steps with my sponsor and begin to recover.
I wasn't drinking, yet, always thinking about what ifs.
I wasn't drinking, yet, entertained the thought in the back of my mind that eventually,
I may be able to drink socially.
So...I started, stopped, etc.
Finally...I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I was risking everything to consume something that was poison to my body.
I waved the white flag of surrender, and brought the wine bottle hid behind my back out, exposed to the light.
Now, I know I process alcohol differently, I am an alcoholic, I drank because I was sick, and I was sick because I drank.
I finally accepted step one and know now that I am truly powerless.
Then...I was able to work the other steps with my sponsor and begin to recover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by suki44883 
In addition to going to meetings, have you found a sponsor and started working the steps? In addition to that, you'll never make progress if you keep drinking. Four slips in three months is not good. You have to be determined not to drink no matter what. Until you get that first step thoroughly down, you'll continue to have problems.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
It's no different for you than it was for us. We didn't want to have to quit drinking, either. We all had a love affair with alcohol. If we can beat it, so can you, but you have to make up your mind not to drink, even if your ass falls off.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Yep, on my third day sober, i realized i could never, ever trust myself to drink again. I cried. I grieved. And then i got passed it. I started going to meetings, got a sponsor. ..took a break, thank God I stayed sober, and now am working whole heartedly again.
The more you slip, the more anxious you are going to feel. Just the way the addiction cycle works.
When will your spiritual awakening happen? When you truly surrender and work the program.
Question, though, why put off 5 after completing 4? I finished 4 and am doing 5 this weekend. As difficult as it may be, i am looking forward to it. don't want to sit on that inventory and not get it out to my sponsor. The BB and the 12 and 12 say that it is often after completing step 5 that a spiritual awakening or experience happens. You may want to consider moving forward rather than sitting on it. Just a thought.
The more you slip, the more anxious you are going to feel. Just the way the addiction cycle works.
When will your spiritual awakening happen? When you truly surrender and work the program.
Question, though, why put off 5 after completing 4? I finished 4 and am doing 5 this weekend. As difficult as it may be, i am looking forward to it. don't want to sit on that inventory and not get it out to my sponsor. The BB and the 12 and 12 say that it is often after completing step 5 that a spiritual awakening or experience happens. You may want to consider moving forward rather than sitting on it. Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Spiritual Awakenings are the little things that
happen while on your sober journey. It will be
things that happen when you least expect them
to and then amaze you.
It's like getting little gifts just by staying sober
and living life right. These little gifts come in
all forms. Gifts that make you feel warm and
grateful inside. Gifts that make you smile. Gifts
that come unexpectant when you're not looking
for them.
You will know it when it happens. I promise.
Then when you recieve one you will want to look
up to the skies and say Thank You.
happen while on your sober journey. It will be
things that happen when you least expect them
to and then amaze you.
It's like getting little gifts just by staying sober
and living life right. These little gifts come in
all forms. Gifts that make you feel warm and
grateful inside. Gifts that make you smile. Gifts
that come unexpectant when you're not looking
for them.
You will know it when it happens. I promise.
Then when you recieve one you will want to look
up to the skies and say Thank You.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I hope you remember just how craptastic you felt yesterday and today....bring that remembrance to the surface every time you want to drink.
maybe you are not yet ready to handle a weekend of downtime. ....and how did your husband react to your being too sick to drive home yesterday? How will he feel if you lose your job?....this is getting to a very low point for you and you do not want to be here feeling anxious, upset and probably won't sleep well tonight too.
I hope things are fixable at work for you and wish you some peace.
maybe you are not yet ready to handle a weekend of downtime. ....and how did your husband react to your being too sick to drive home yesterday? How will he feel if you lose your job?....this is getting to a very low point for you and you do not want to be here feeling anxious, upset and probably won't sleep well tonight too.
I hope things are fixable at work for you and wish you some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by Fandy
I hope you remember just how craptastic you felt yesterday and today....bring that remembrance to the surface every time you want to drink.
maybe you are not yet ready to handle a weekend of downtime. ....and how did your husband react to your being too sick to drive home yesterday? How will he feel if you lose your job?....this is getting to a very low point for you and you do not want to be here feeling anxious, upset and probably won't sleep well tonight too.
I hope things are fixable at work for you and wish you some peace.
maybe you are not yet ready to handle a weekend of downtime. ....and how did your husband react to your being too sick to drive home yesterday? How will he feel if you lose your job?....this is getting to a very low point for you and you do not want to be here feeling anxious, upset and probably won't sleep well tonight too.
I hope things are fixable at work for you and wish you some peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
What are you going to do ? YOUR DOING IT !! Your not laying down and giving up. Your obviously determined to do this. You must be one stubborn broad 
You just keep this up and you WILL find your answer. I did not have "A" spiritual awakening, mine was very slow and low key. It was going on and I didn't know it. At some point I realized I had indeed changed inside, and I didn't know it had happened. From my own experience I strongly recommend professional counseling. Everybody here is on your side.
The only specific I can give you is to make strong boundaries and stick to them. Write them down and carry it with you. Example-I will not step in to a bar for ANY reason. As you get stronger in sobriety the list will get shorter, but for now write down ANYTHING you think is a slippery spot OR person to be around.
Ron
You just keep this up and you WILL find your answer. I did not have "A" spiritual awakening, mine was very slow and low key. It was going on and I didn't know it. At some point I realized I had indeed changed inside, and I didn't know it had happened. From my own experience I strongly recommend professional counseling. Everybody here is on your side.The only specific I can give you is to make strong boundaries and stick to them. Write them down and carry it with you. Example-I will not step in to a bar for ANY reason. As you get stronger in sobriety the list will get shorter, but for now write down ANYTHING you think is a slippery spot OR person to be around.
Ron
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by OklaBH
Yes I have a sponsor and I'm on step 5. Step 4 was rough so I'm taking my time with 5.
When you've been misled into the idea that you can 'work on' a 5th Step, it makes me wonder how solid your guidance has been thus far. Have you really surrendered? Are you really convinced of the hopelessness and futility of your life run on self-will? Have you really made the decision to turn your life over to the care and direction of a higher power? How thorough was the 4th Step? Does it include all your instances of selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fearful behavior? Fear and sex inventory done?
I'm not asking just to be a jerk. I'm hoping you will take a look at what you've done so far and see if it matches the BB directions.
Usually 'working on' a Step is code for doing nothing. At least it is with the guys I sponsor.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I wrote down 4 pages of people I've wronged. I used a chart from the book "the steps we took" I have not done the fear or sex inventory. I know I'm an alcoholic and that I'm powerless. These last 2 weeks I have really screwed it up.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
We do understand, I do understand. Alcohol was the only friend that I had by the time I stopped drinking, and I had to give up that friend. It was horribly scary, and I think of it as taking a leap of faith. I had no idea what my new life would be like, but I knew I couldn't stay where I was.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
OK, so it's good that this job is not part of your forthcoming career....but getting fired is not good for future resumes and employment....i hope it works out.
I'm glad your husband is supportive towards you and recognises your struggle...and ITA with Ron, you get right back up, dust off and try again...I'm still looking for a lot of solutions myself...i've had a few AH-HAH moments, but I still think there is a lot of mystery i can't figure out.
I'm glad your husband is supportive towards you and recognises your struggle...and ITA with Ron, you get right back up, dust off and try again...I'm still looking for a lot of solutions myself...i've had a few AH-HAH moments, but I still think there is a lot of mystery i can't figure out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by ronf
What are you going to do ? YOUR DOING IT !! Your not laying down and giving up. Your obviously determined to do this. You must be one stubborn broad You just keep this up and you WILL find your answer. I did not have "A" spiritual awakening, mine was very slow and low key. It was going on and I didn't know it. At some point I realized I had indeed changed inside, and I didn't know it had happened. From my own experience I strongly recommend professional counseling. Everybody here is on your side.
The only specific I can give you is to make strong boundaries and stick to them. Write them down and carry it with you. Example-I will not step in to a bar for ANY reason. As you get stronger in sobriety the list will get shorter, but for now write down ANYTHING you think is a slippery spot OR person to be around.
Ron
You just keep this up and you WILL find your answer. I did not have "A" spiritual awakening, mine was very slow and low key. It was going on and I didn't know it. At some point I realized I had indeed changed inside, and I didn't know it had happened. From my own experience I strongly recommend professional counseling. Everybody here is on your side.The only specific I can give you is to make strong boundaries and stick to them. Write them down and carry it with you. Example-I will not step in to a bar for ANY reason. As you get stronger in sobriety the list will get shorter, but for now write down ANYTHING you think is a slippery spot OR person to be around.
Ron
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by keithj
OklaBH, this may explain why you can't seem to stay sober. The idea is 'taking my time' with Step 5 does not exist. There is no waiting, there is nothing to work. Share your 4th Step with your sponsor.
When you've been misled into the idea that you can 'work on' a 5th Step, it makes me wonder how solid your guidance has been thus far. Have you really surrendered? Are you really convinced of the hopelessness and futility of your life run on self-will? Have you really made the decision to turn your life over to the care and direction of a higher power? How thorough was the 4th Step? Does it include all your instances of selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fearful behavior? Fear and sex inventory done?
I'm not asking just to be a jerk. I'm hoping you will take a look at what you've done so far and see if it matches the BB directions.
Usually 'working on' a Step is code for doing nothing. At least it is with the guys I sponsor.
When you've been misled into the idea that you can 'work on' a 5th Step, it makes me wonder how solid your guidance has been thus far. Have you really surrendered? Are you really convinced of the hopelessness and futility of your life run on self-will? Have you really made the decision to turn your life over to the care and direction of a higher power? How thorough was the 4th Step? Does it include all your instances of selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fearful behavior? Fear and sex inventory done?
I'm not asking just to be a jerk. I'm hoping you will take a look at what you've done so far and see if it matches the BB directions.
Usually 'working on' a Step is code for doing nothing. At least it is with the guys I sponsor.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by OklaBH
I'm in school and will graduate next month. I'm coasting with this job until I get done with school. Still it will suck if I get fired tomorrow. My husband loves me...for whatever reason he does love me
I've been where you are an it sucks (I think a lot of us have). I was in a holding pattern for a good 6 mos before I quit in August. I just hadn't accepted the 'forever' thing. Or... I guess I had accepted that I HAD to quit forever but I didn't want to. I just didn't want to quit.
I'm not an AA person but I know you were excited about it so hopefully you can get back on track. Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST
When I first started to become sober, I realized I had not totally accepted that deep down, I truly am an alcoholic.
I wasn't drinking, yet, always thinking about what ifs.
I wasn't drinking, yet, entertained the thought in the back of my mind that eventually,
I may be able to drink socially.
So...I started, stopped, etc.
Finally...I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I was risking everything to consume something that was poison to my body.
I waved the white flag of surrender, and brought the wine bottle hid behind my back out, exposed to the light.
Now, I know I process alcohol differently, I am an alcoholic, I drank because I was sick, and I was sick because I drank.
I finally accepted step one and know now that I am truly powerless.
Then...I was able to work the other steps with my sponsor and begin to recover.
I wasn't drinking, yet, always thinking about what ifs.
I wasn't drinking, yet, entertained the thought in the back of my mind that eventually,
I may be able to drink socially.
So...I started, stopped, etc.
Finally...I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I was risking everything to consume something that was poison to my body.
I waved the white flag of surrender, and brought the wine bottle hid behind my back out, exposed to the light.
Now, I know I process alcohol differently, I am an alcoholic, I drank because I was sick, and I was sick because I drank.
I finally accepted step one and know now that I am truly powerless.
Then...I was able to work the other steps with my sponsor and begin to recover.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
OklaBH...I just want to add that really..your ass will not fall off.
" When I was drinking everyday I had a routine. It was sad and pathetic but it was mine."
This says alot...maybe you could come up with a different routine. Next trip make plans ahead of time that do not include alcohol. I had to replace my drinking time with other things and let me tell you it wasn't hard to come up with..because my routine..was to hit the bars for a couple of drinks..then hit the liquor store so I could finish off the "party" at home. That involved landing in the recliner armed with a remote control. Staring at the tv not even aware of what I was "watching"...passing out and then start the new day the same.
I wish you well.
" When I was drinking everyday I had a routine. It was sad and pathetic but it was mine."
This says alot...maybe you could come up with a different routine. Next trip make plans ahead of time that do not include alcohol. I had to replace my drinking time with other things and let me tell you it wasn't hard to come up with..because my routine..was to hit the bars for a couple of drinks..then hit the liquor store so I could finish off the "party" at home. That involved landing in the recliner armed with a remote control. Staring at the tv not even aware of what I was "watching"...passing out and then start the new day the same.
I wish you well.
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