Would You Say Anything?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Would You Say Anything?
Prior to me becoming sober and now since I have been sober I see a guy at my local convenience store about 7AM almost everyday. It is easy to see he is an alcoholic. He normally buys a 6 pack of tall boys, he looks red eyed and just beat, and he looks like he has no life in him. I found it funny that the guy drives a pretty nice corvette.
Anyways I recall seeing him back in the day when I was buying my "eye openers" as well, but now everytime I see him I truly feel sorry for him. I don't know if I could help the guy, and I am not even sure I would have wanted someone to approach me and ask if I needed help.
But my question to anyone here is would you go out of your way and ask the guy, unsolicited, if he needed help?
It just kills me to see him, and he looks like he is in hell, and he looks the way I felt many of those mornings when I was in that same spot.
How would you have reacted to a stranger asking you if you needed help?
Anyways I recall seeing him back in the day when I was buying my "eye openers" as well, but now everytime I see him I truly feel sorry for him. I don't know if I could help the guy, and I am not even sure I would have wanted someone to approach me and ask if I needed help.
But my question to anyone here is would you go out of your way and ask the guy, unsolicited, if he needed help?
It just kills me to see him, and he looks like he is in hell, and he looks the way I felt many of those mornings when I was in that same spot.
How would you have reacted to a stranger asking you if you needed help?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i would think the person is very rude to make a comment and then obsessed about how bad i looked all day.
perhaps if your were more than nodding acquaintences it would be different to offer, but you do not have a relationship with this person.....you might get off with a simple, "i've stopped buying booze", and a light comment..but that's about it.
jmho
perhaps if your were more than nodding acquaintences it would be different to offer, but you do not have a relationship with this person.....you might get off with a simple, "i've stopped buying booze", and a light comment..but that's about it.
jmho
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I actually dont think there would be anything wrong with at least saying HI a few times to him and maybe he'll starting recognizing you.
Sometimes all people need is someone to care and feel comfortable with. Then if you wanted to - put a card with a phone number on it (for AA help), just incase he decided to call.
It was only a few weeks ago I saw a man going through our bins, outside of the bakery. I have seen him before and I felt sorry for him. I gave him a hot pie and cake, told him we were closing up and it was left over anyway. It was just nice to see a smile on his face.
JJ
Sometimes all people need is someone to care and feel comfortable with. Then if you wanted to - put a card with a phone number on it (for AA help), just incase he decided to call.
It was only a few weeks ago I saw a man going through our bins, outside of the bakery. I have seen him before and I felt sorry for him. I gave him a hot pie and cake, told him we were closing up and it was left over anyway. It was just nice to see a smile on his face.
JJ
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
But for the Grace of my HP there goes I.
Some recovery cards I found online with
a cell number to call in my wallet to hand
out to someone that I could help. Giving
them a choice to call or not. Good service
work.
Some recovery cards I found online with
a cell number to call in my wallet to hand
out to someone that I could help. Giving
them a choice to call or not. Good service
work.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 39
I think it is increadibly sweet what you are wanting to do for this person 
However, I am a firm believer that once someone truely wants to quit they will reach out for help and before they decide for themselves that they need help any suggestion from another is just going to be ignored... like you say he is in a 'alcoholic trance'...
Having said that maybe if you get to know this guy and he realises how much better your life is getting now you have stopped (I hope this is the case!) he may decide he wants this for himself and ask for help
I wish you all the best with this situation, it really is terribly sad.
However, I am a firm believer that once someone truely wants to quit they will reach out for help and before they decide for themselves that they need help any suggestion from another is just going to be ignored... like you say he is in a 'alcoholic trance'...
Having said that maybe if you get to know this guy and he realises how much better your life is getting now you have stopped (I hope this is the case!) he may decide he wants this for himself and ask for help
I wish you all the best with this situation, it really is terribly sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 452
I would say something. Doesn't even need to be an olive branch for help. Just hello. You are in a good position since you see him often. Build a raport with him and see if there is something you can offer. Who knows, maybe he drinks because he is lonely. It's always worth a shot. I'm sure he would be more likely to confide in you if he knew you had a "past" as opposed to some "normie" walking up to him and saying "you are a drunk." I feel the worst thing in this situation is apathy.
Go for it. The worst thing that could happen is he tells you to Go to Hell.
Go for it. The worst thing that could happen is he tells you to Go to Hell.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: near Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 377
Kind
It is very kind of you to think of trying to help this man - I've been in his shoes, too.
Perhaps just "hi", and see how it goes from there(?)
Do you go to AA? If so, perhaps offer to take him to a meeting, SC.
Kelly
Perhaps just "hi", and see how it goes from there(?)
Do you go to AA? If so, perhaps offer to take him to a meeting, SC.
Kelly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 331
One of the guys that use to sell me beer at the store is in my AA group and we talk sometimes. It is a weird situation to be in, I would not say anything but he will notice you are not buying anymore. People pick up on that, sadly 2-4 new people have taken your place and he has other people he can "chat with" regarding drinking. You have done the right thing being sober but unless he says "hey did you stop drinking? and opens that door" I would just be myself as always without buying the 12,18, 24 packs. Best of luck my friend.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
well....I don't know what you plan to say SC
First...your safety. Who knows how he would react?
There could be a punch in your face..or
if he carries a gun on him or in the car...???
In AA we never go to visit wet drunks alone
even if they have asked us to come talk.
I know you don't do AA...but still.....it's a good
idea to keep in mind ...IMO
What I would do in this situation.....when he is inside
.put a card under the
wind shield wiper with the AA number
Pray that he will make a decision to use it.
First...your safety. Who knows how he would react?
There could be a punch in your face..or
if he carries a gun on him or in the car...???
In AA we never go to visit wet drunks alone
even if they have asked us to come talk.
I know you don't do AA...but still.....it's a good
idea to keep in mind ...IMO
What I would do in this situation.....when he is inside
.put a card under the
wind shield wiper with the AA number
Pray that he will make a decision to use it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm with Carol.
There's a reason why AAers do 12 step calls in pairs.
I know how you feel - I often have to wait for a taxi outside my local bottle shop/liquor store...it's not easy to watch some of the customers.
But I remember me as a drunk - I was ornery, angry, ticked off at the world, distrustful, I just wanted to be left alone....and above all...I thought I was perfectly fine thanks very much....
I've invariably found that people who want help will ask for it, 'crew.
D
There's a reason why AAers do 12 step calls in pairs.
I know how you feel - I often have to wait for a taxi outside my local bottle shop/liquor store...it's not easy to watch some of the customers.
But I remember me as a drunk - I was ornery, angry, ticked off at the world, distrustful, I just wanted to be left alone....and above all...I thought I was perfectly fine thanks very much....
I've invariably found that people who want help will ask for it, 'crew.
D
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
I would probably say hi and leave it at that. I was that person buying my morning pick me up. Looked like hell and was worried how I was going to go through the transaction without dropping my bottle or shaking so bad I couldn't write a check and sign my name. The anxiety was horrific. Many times standing in line, I wanted to bolt for the door just to get out and get air, but I would stick it out because I needed my booze. If anyone said anything to me I would be mortified. I would stew over it all day and would be incredibly incensed. I can only help myself. Without knowing this man's story, how can you really gauge? I think most active alcoholics don't want people approaching them about their problem without knowing them personally.
When I got sober, I would often see an AA'er would was in and out of meetings buying beer. I know she felt embarrassed, but I never said anything. I wasn't her sponsor and it was her choice to drink.
I understand your compassion for this man and admire it. What I stated above is only how I would handle things. It doesn't mean it is the right thing to do, just my comfort zone.
When I got sober, I would often see an AA'er would was in and out of meetings buying beer. I know she felt embarrassed, but I never said anything. I wasn't her sponsor and it was her choice to drink.
I understand your compassion for this man and admire it. What I stated above is only how I would handle things. It doesn't mean it is the right thing to do, just my comfort zone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Yes I would say something.
I'm not sure what. I'd probably introduce myself, say i've seen you here a few times, i'm in AA. Would you be interested in chatting sometime or going to a meeting? I can give you my number. Just talk no pressure.
Over.. and over.. and over.. I would be told I had a drinking problem by other people. I denied it or didn't care or didn't know what the solution was. All my attempts alone failed. I don't think I was ever told "hi, i'm an alcoholic, i'd like to hang out with you and talk sometime if you want to". In fact I was coming into court mandated AA meetings for a couple of years before I ran into someone who was a hardline AAer. He was hardcore to the extreme about AA to the point it was annoying and all he wanted to talk about. But really he was a blessing because he took the first step and said "look man, the chances you are sitting here in an AA meeting and you aren't an alcoholic or at least someone with a drinking problem, well, its just not that likely". I started hanging out with him and working the program for no other reason than I knew that I had to get a sponsor to fulfill my legal commitments and so I needed a sucker in case they had to call this person. Long story short I realized I was an alcoholic and I love life sober.
I'm not sure what. I'd probably introduce myself, say i've seen you here a few times, i'm in AA. Would you be interested in chatting sometime or going to a meeting? I can give you my number. Just talk no pressure.
Over.. and over.. and over.. I would be told I had a drinking problem by other people. I denied it or didn't care or didn't know what the solution was. All my attempts alone failed. I don't think I was ever told "hi, i'm an alcoholic, i'd like to hang out with you and talk sometime if you want to". In fact I was coming into court mandated AA meetings for a couple of years before I ran into someone who was a hardline AAer. He was hardcore to the extreme about AA to the point it was annoying and all he wanted to talk about. But really he was a blessing because he took the first step and said "look man, the chances you are sitting here in an AA meeting and you aren't an alcoholic or at least someone with a drinking problem, well, its just not that likely". I started hanging out with him and working the program for no other reason than I knew that I had to get a sponsor to fulfill my legal commitments and so I needed a sucker in case they had to call this person. Long story short I realized I was an alcoholic and I love life sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Thanks for all the replies! I might greet him with a "Hi" next time. It just always seems to be akward when I see him, because although I don't stare, I feel he knows I know. I have never said a word to him, and honestly I don't try to notice people, but I saw him buying while I was buying about a year ago, and he didn't look as bad, and it almost made me feel good, like at least I'm not the only one enjoying a beer with my hangover.
I also thought about him taking a swing if I said something because he looks kind of mean, but all alcoholics do at 7AM before we get our happy juice inside us. But I'm not too worried about that, I can protect myself.
It is just tough to see what I used to look and feel like, especially after I had already workedout, walked the dog showered and was ready for a great day. But it does keep me motivated knowing I never want to go back to that spot in life again.
Thanks again for all the replies.
I also thought about him taking a swing if I said something because he looks kind of mean, but all alcoholics do at 7AM before we get our happy juice inside us. But I'm not too worried about that, I can protect myself.
It is just tough to see what I used to look and feel like, especially after I had already workedout, walked the dog showered and was ready for a great day. But it does keep me motivated knowing I never want to go back to that spot in life again.
Thanks again for all the replies.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
I use bus and trains a lot, see many drunks, some quiet, some not so quiet, it depends.
Bus shelters can be a bit of a misery.
In my wallet I have AA 24 Hour Phone cards.
When and if possible, tactfully hand it out to them and leave it at that, try and make thing for them to remember when sober.
On the back of the card I put a group meeting location, but not my home group, that way I can still play the field.
Bus shelters can be a bit of a misery.
In my wallet I have AA 24 Hour Phone cards.
When and if possible, tactfully hand it out to them and leave it at that, try and make thing for them to remember when sober.
On the back of the card I put a group meeting location, but not my home group, that way I can still play the field.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
As soon as I read your post, I thought of a personal story in the 4th edition of the Big Book. It's called Listening To The Wind.
The story talks of a sober member of AA observing someone and taking some action.
She writes something down on a piece of paper, and gives it to the person...
What did the note say?
"If you ever want to stop drinking, call Alcoholics Anonymous, 24 hours a day."
She also wrote her telephone number.
The person called her and recovered.
Here is a link:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...nearlyall4.pdf
The story talks of a sober member of AA observing someone and taking some action.
She writes something down on a piece of paper, and gives it to the person...
What did the note say?
"If you ever want to stop drinking, call Alcoholics Anonymous, 24 hours a day."
She also wrote her telephone number.
The person called her and recovered.
Here is a link:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...nearlyall4.pdf
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
SC,
You feel he knows you know. Reminds me of the song with the lyrics "I was lookin' back to see if she was lookin' back, to see if I was lookin' back at her...."
I think he knows you know, its awkward. Feelings without words. Think a rapport has to be built before you can ask something as obtuse as do you want/need help. Maybe ask him about his nice car, pretty sure he's proud of it. You obviously care, but I wouldn't get too invested, too soon. Think if he wants help, you'll know (feel it) when.
You feel he knows you know. Reminds me of the song with the lyrics "I was lookin' back to see if she was lookin' back, to see if I was lookin' back at her...."
I think he knows you know, its awkward. Feelings without words. Think a rapport has to be built before you can ask something as obtuse as do you want/need help. Maybe ask him about his nice car, pretty sure he's proud of it. You obviously care, but I wouldn't get too invested, too soon. Think if he wants help, you'll know (feel it) when.
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