viavai

I am not new to these forums, but I have been absent. I had almost five years, and I relapsed. I got out of detox three weeks ago.

Well, I can't stop drinking. I don't get drunk, and I don't even physically "need" it (I'm not drinking enough to go through withdrawal symptoms), but I feel like I need it "psychologically." I can't cope. I can't live life on life's terms. I've been going to meetings everyday (90 in 90) and am working with a new sponsor (with whom I am completely honest). It would be easy to stop, but it's just not that easy, you know?

If I had known that starting over would be so hard, I never would have picked up that first glass of wine (my drug of choice).

Any support would be welcome.

mtnmagic

Oh vai vai - I understand, really I do. I've been caught in that relapse trap so
many times, it makes me physically sick to think about it.

It's the damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of drinking. Not feeling any relief at all, well maybe for eight minutes and continuing on and on even when you don't really want to.

I'm here to tell you, for me there wasn't a magic key or special revelation that got me to stop and stay stopped. Yes, there was a consequence that was horrible to myself. But it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me in my multitude of relapses. I had to stop and stay stopped and take it in tiny increments of like an hour at a time sometimes to finally put enough 24 hours sober together to actually want to be sober. In other words, I had to do it long enough not wanting it first.

Instead of telling yourself what you cannot do, how about focusing on what you can?

I had 12 years of continuous sobriety which ended in 1998. The years since have been living pretty much as you have described. Please don't be me, looking back it was a nightmarish existance. I don't wish it on anyone.

ChikkaB

One foot in front of the other. Keep breathing

Emotional recovery was tough for me. You've been sober long enough to know that if we don't confront and wrestle down the demons that drive us to self-medicate, we can never be free of them.

Awesome that you are doing 90 in 90 and have a sponsor. Take it as a sign that the universe wants you to live happy that you have the chance right now to turn it all around for good, and really go into it with a "git-R-done!" attitude.

You know you can always get a boost right here on these forums

CarolD

Welcome back....

viavai

Thank you, everyone for your support. It really helps to know that I'm not alone, and keeps me motivated in terms of knowing I don't want to live this life anymore.

TheEnd

I was stuck in that same rut after I relapsed about a month ago and went to detox, I couldn't seem to stop drinking. So I decided I needed to take the next step and go to rehab. It's the best decision that I could have made, because I couldn't and wouldn't stop drinking.

Dee74

Welcome back vaivai.
I hope you get that window of clarity and the peace of recovery soon.

You'll find support here too - keep working with your sponsor and keep reaching out...keep doing all the right things and trying to let go of the wrong ones.

If you want it - you will get there.

D

Anna

Welcome back!

And, good for you for working hard to get back into recovery again.

recycle

viavai, thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear of your struggle. It is probably no solace to you, but this is exactly the of story I needed to hear this evening. Perhaps going back and reading some of your early posts might help get you in the frame of mind for this? You did it once and you an do it again.

Sudz No More

That sucks, I'm sorry Buddy. I really hate how ingrained drinking has become into so many of us. No matter how far I go I always feel like I am one bad, or good day away from going down that path again.

You are certainly not alone, just get back to what you did for all those great sober years. One thing I have learned for myself is to just try to pay no attention to the impulses. I look past them as if they aren't happening, as hard as that is it's the best I can do for myself to stay sober.

Hang in there, you'll get your swagger back before you know it.

Justfor1

I can relate to going to an AA meeting and drinking the same day. Heck I even chaired a meeting while intoxicated. It is a miserable place to be. Maybe look at the fact that you got 5 years sober once before so you can do it again?

sunrise1

Welcome back, Vai, I'm glad you are here. I can't say I've been in your shoes exactly but I too have had relapses that were real struggles to overcome. Do you have someone around you you can call? What are you doing to aid your recovery?

newby1961

back I know how hard it can be to get some time after a period of sobriety

Thank God though you have a sponsor and your still going to meetings.

If you are anything like me I had to stop focusing on the fact that I had some significant time and then got loaded. I had to stop beating myself up over it.

Since you already had 5 years the good news is you know what to do now you just have to do it no matter what.

I'll keep you in my prayers as I am sure countless others who have read your post will do the same.

TwelveSteps

Thank you for your honesty and for helping me stay sober today. Welcome back.

GG

GreenAces

Ohhhhh viavai!!!! Sounds like we are almost on the same page... All I can say is I hope you continue to work on your sobriety and keep your head up, there isn't much we can do when we go back out except to pick ourselves back up and try again.


(LONG DISTANCE AIR HUG FOR YOU VIAVAI!!)