justdave

What can I do? Some of you may know for my previous posts, in addition to alcohol recovery, I am also going through major family issues here in my home.

It seems every time I open my mouth to express my opinion or feelings about a family-related issue, I get cut off at the knees by my spouse.

I'm not drinking. I'm working the steps. I'm trying real hard to make positive changes in my self.

Sometimes fathers need to take a firm stand on an issue - its called 'being a parent'. However, both my daughter and wife react to me as if I was still the drunk husband/father.

I know it takes time for wounds to heal, but I'd just like a little recognition of the progress I've made. And a little respect.

Dee74

One of my very dear friends here came to SR as an Family and Friend person.

She said many times 'you (the alcoholic) don't get to tell me how to feel'

I ticked a lot do people off big time. Not to alram you, but with some people it took a year for the air to clear.

With some people I'm still waiting. I have to own that.

We don't get to tell people when to forgive us or trust us again. It's their call.

The best thing you can do is focus on your recovery Dave - lets the results speak for themselves cos they'll do it better than anything else will

D

Justfor1

I'm not sure if if I have the answer but I can relate. A lot of family members have not forgiven me for my actions and behavior while intoxicated. I've been sober for a while now & my decisions are not taken seriously by my childs mother. Sometimes I get the thought, "screw it I mine as well drink."

sunrise1

I know it must be painful when your opinions are not valued... it may be too early in the game to expect this from others. We all heal at our own rates and they may simply be taking longer than you'd like.

I like that you asked about earning respect-- not just getting it. Keep working your steps, help others, and stay the path and you will earn that respect in time.

Supercrew

Dave all of our family dynamics are different. It is hard to answer your question because I don't know your role in your home. If I wasn't getting heard on issues that I think I should be a part of I first first look to see if I am in the right, secondly i would look at how I am trying to get my message across. Were you the trusted voice of reason before you started drinking?

If you weren't or if you have always been out of the picture because of your drinking I can see how with your family dynamic you might not be taken as the final word of authority now.

Then check to see how you are trying to present your message. Remember it's always easier to catch flies with suger as opposed to vineagar. I understand when the man of the house has to put his foot down, but most of our households don't respond well to heavy handed dictators. Check your message, check your tone, use examples and then the best advice I was ever given was don't bring problems to the discussion, bring solutions.

I am not sure any of that helped, and time will also help fix this issue as well.

LexieCat

Dave,

You might want to re-read "The Family Afterward".

Family members were GREATLY affected by our drinking. I don't think it's realistic to expect that we will step right back into our old roles and be respected without major adjustments on everyone's part. Family members heal at their own pace, just as we do.

Be as patient with them as you would like them to be with you. Cut slack unto others as you would have them cut onto you. With a little time and patience things will change.

cabledude

They'll come to see the results of what you're doing, but probably not quick enough for your tastes.

If I was to guess, I'd say about a year and a half before you're taken seriously by your family. 3 years plus before you're taken seriously by the other AAs.

I could be off on the timeframes. It's only my opinion and not meant to rile you-just to answer your question.

aasharon90

I suppose I could have gotten better respect if
my little family had a program to work along with
me. However I couldnt make them do anything
because they werent the sick ones in the family.

In a family when one is sick or infected then the
entire family is affected by the illness. A program
of recovery was my medicine to help me heal and
if to say the rest of the family had taken a dose of
recovery medicine to help them heal then my little
family would have stayed together.

I took my medicine and ACCEPTED my family as
they were and I grew and left them wondering what
happened to our little family. Why we didnt connect
or understand each other.

We all grew and moved on in different directions and
living happy lives. Just not together as a family unit.

Today I dont look for or expect respect from anyone
in particular except from my new spouse. Respect from
me, myself and I. If I dont have respect for myself then
I surely cant expect anyone to respect me. Take me as I
am or leave me be.

JohnBarleycorn

They may or may not come around, but likely will, given time.

Do make sure, though, that your desire for family support does not conceal a possible plan to drink/use in the absence of that support.

Stimmed

Dont forget Dave... While you were blotto'd out of it, everyone adjusted, but not over night. Keep doing what ur doing in Sobriety and become that better person (father, husband, friend even) im sure you're working towards, and you will begin to see a change that suit's you all.

Mark75

Hmm...

Yea, I looked for recognition early in my journey and most certainly did not get it at home... LOL... I think, well, I know, that my spouse would have just as soon had me continue drinking than the mess I was in early sobriety...

Beginner's meetings give chips, the one I go to gives out chips every month until 1 year... I have a mug where I keep mine... that was my recognition. And it was heartfelt genuine recognition as well as a doable symbol of hope for those with just a day or two just coming in to the rooms...



Respect, well, that I think is very individual... I gave up a lot of self respect in some areas and hence was a long time coming back... but that's OK... and in others, not so much was lost...

Well, in the end, none of this is really up to me, how others feel about me.... I can, however, work on me, get recovered, make amends, do the right thing and all...

Keep comin' back!!

skg

I don't know how long you've been working The Steps, but time takes time. If I walk five miles into the woods, it's five miles out. Period. Rather than telling them how to feel, I had to show them how I was changing. The Big Book is very specific about the family afterwards--there's a whole chapter devoted to it. I had to stop demanding and start demonstrating. I'm impatient (oddly enough) and want things the way I want them. Casting out the old me isn't happening overnight, but it IS happening.
Humility is good for the soul--load up on it...

Lenetrk

For me it wasn't so much the recognition for doing what I know I should have been doing but it was the respect. The lost of respect they no longer had in me and I in myself. Going through an extremely difficult 30 days in house detox my family rarely called but I knew they too were going through their own he!!. But it's been almost two years and with time it does heal. Some people don't understand what the family goes through. Your learning how to live without the alcohol and they are trying to adjust to this other person.It's difficult for both but for two extreme reasons.It takes time to earn the trust and respect back from your family.But it does happen. I am blessed now to have the kind of relationships with my family I thought I would never have.It will happen, don't give up. And be proud of YOURSELF.Because that's where we need to start.

Sugah

I was a single (full custodial) parent when I got sober. My daughter was nine and my son was twelve. I had ex in-laws and my daughter's father on one side, my parents on the other, both trying to override my parental decisions. I couldn't blame them for not trusting me. My daughter started lying--or perhaps she'd been lying for awhile and I hadn't noticed it. My son, who had previously been the peacemaker, became mouthy and belligerent. He was used to taking care of me, not the other way around.

I had to learn to be patient as I discovered and faced the facts of what my drinking and drugging had done to them--and then owned up to my failings (amends). Once I had done that, I was not guaranteed trust and respect of the grandparents or my daughter's father. I was not guaranteed good behavior, understanding, and respect from my children. I could, however, do my best on a daily basis, remaining vigilant, practicing patience, and hoping that eventually, they would heal and see that I was doing my best to be a better person.

I also learned to listen and to speak softly but firmly with my children. Beyond staying sober and making reasonable amends, I didn't let my kids, my parents, or my former in-laws walk all over me. It wasn't easy. My ex completely disconnected. He hasn't seen our daughter on a regular basis for quite awhile--maybe because he's still drinking, admittedly alcoholic, and I get the feeling he sees my sobriety as an affront to his drinking. She made the decision years ago (with my full support) that she didn't want to see him if he was going to be drinking, so that may have something to do with it, too.

Anyway, this is how it was with me. All but the ex came around. How long did it take? A couple of years. Thing is, it wouldn't have happened at all if I hadn't sobered up and stayed sober--and did what I needed to do to clean up the wreckage I created with my drinking.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

joedris

I drank for over 15 years of my marriage and children's lives. When I finally got serious about sobriety, I had no reason to expect them to recognize any positive changes I was making, as any progress I had previously made was as short lived as my empty promises.There was no way I could undo 15 years of alcoholic behavior overnight. So I didn't try.

It was hard to accept my 2nd class citizen status in the family, but it was a situation of my own making. My wife was no longer the woman I married, and that was my fault. My children grew up with a drunk for a father. Again, my fault. I certainly couldn't blame them for how they felt.

So I started to make amends as best I could; but by actions, not words. They had heard the words before. And it took time, a long time before they began to recognize the seriousness of my sobriety. It wasn't an easy period, either. I was changing and they didn't know how to handle it. And for a number of reasons, Al-anon wasn't even considered an option.

Fortunately, things eventually changed for the better. My children survived and are doing very well as adults, and this is due solely to the strength and love of their mother. I'm accepted now (after a number of years of sobriety) as a husband and father, but there will always be a certain amount of uncertainty in their minds as to what may happen with my drinking. I understand and accept this.

So don't expect to earn respect any time soon. You have a long way to go to make up for the damage you've caused in your family's lives. My best advice would be to show them by your actions rather than trying to convince them by your words. You can't expect to be suddenly accepted as a parent if this is a role you've ignored in the past.
Be patient, give your family time, and give precedence to your sobriety over everything else. For without sobriety, there will be nothing else.

UniqueNewYork

Dave what you want to do is take up weight lifting and get into a hardcore high protein low fat diet. You'll look good naked and like you could kick anyones ass. Your wife will think you're fabio and your daughter will think Superman is her dad. This combined with working the steps and voila you're back in the gold.



Ok that was half a joke lol kinda not tho but anyway. I would say continue your spiritual journey towards self improvement, fulfillment, freedom and joy. If you can stay on this road long enough (hopefully the rest of your life) it will be not just your wife and children who notice the changes in you but everyone you meet from now on. I sat through many meetings where these old guys would talk about blah blah the miracles and the gifts and it will be beyond your wildest dreams. I thought it was crapola when I first came in but now I really and truly believe every word they say. Whatever it is you want out of life you can attain them in sobriety if you choose to stay on this journey.

OklaBH

Im glad you started this thread. Im going through the same thing, not in my home but with my dad and sister. Its hard for people to change. Im changing everyday for the better. I can feel it. I just want the others to see it. Im only on step 3. I hope once i get through all the steps, either the relationships will be repaired or I will have learned how to deal with it. The main thing is DONT DRINK. God has given us a lot of grace during our drinking days. Be patient as He has with you. Work the steps and dont be afraid to discuss what you are feeling with your wife.

Have you taken her to an open meeting?

onlythetruth

In my case it was nearly a year before my family began to trust me.

But I drank for 25 years!

I figure, given that reality, that a year was pretty damn fast.

OTT

skg

And there it is. I drank to cover up the fact that I had no skills for dealing with life on life's terms. The Steps of AA taught me how to do that. Without addictions of any kind.

PaperDolls

time takes time

unfortunately, it never seems time moves fast enough for me

I can relate .... I just had to be patient and remember WHY I was being treated the way I was. Also, I don't think it would be wrong for you to constructively have a conversation about it with your wife. Watch out for the beast, anger.