Ainslie

2.5 years sober, still I have those days where I try to trick myself into thinking I could handle my booze if I really wanted to. Im nearly 30, and all I want for my birthday is to be able to drink responsibly. Lately I have been flirting with the idea of going on 'drinking holidays'.

Im too much of a scaredy-cat to relapse, but I cant help but feel that I wont know if im a 'real' alcoholic unless I do try drinking again. Dont worry, if I was about to go and drink, id hardly be posting here. Im just venting and probably making little to no sense at all.

Dee74

Personally I think anybody's who's been on this site as long as us knows what they are Ainslie...

I'd go as far to say I don't think there's anyone here whose life will be improved by a return to drinking.

I'm glad you're not giving the voice credence

D

LexieCat

Congrats on your sober time, Ainslie,

Really? That's ALL you want for your birthday? How about wishing for world peace and an improvement in the economy while you're at it?

Actually, you're about as likely to get one as the other.

I'm with Dee, I don't think there's a scrap of likelihood your life would be better if you could drink.

Good to get those thoughts out in the open, though.

LaFemme

Good for you to realize there is no point in giving in to the alcoholic voice...maybe try picturing the voice as belonging to someone other than yourself...an ugly little troll perhaps...then take an imaginary baseball bat and beat the crap out of it.

Sorry...I am sick in bed for the second day in a row and that image appeals to me

Supercrew

I started thinking about this the other day, basically is there any reason I would want to drink again?

So I ask you Ainslie, why would you want to drink? Will it make you happy? Will it make you money? What does drinking bring to the table that is positive? I could say commaradarie with other drinkers, but I can still be part of drinking groups without drinking if I want.

I have not been able to come up with any good reason I would want to drink again. Is the initial buzz off the first couple drinks enough to make you want to crawl back to hell for a while?

For me, right now it's not.

Zube

Cunning...check
Baffling...check
Powerful...check

Zube

bmwcycle

Well said!

DayTrader

Heh, I chuckled at the "I'd hardly be posting here" part. I'm with ya..... I don't think I'd have the courage or even WANT to pick up the phone if I'd made up my mind to go back out. My history tells me that IF I'm gonna go drink......I do so at all costs and in the face of all opposition. I'd probably just sneak off and go....

As for "finding out," testing the waters again is one route......and it works too - but it might just kill you in the process - and that's not a good outcome I've found it to be healthy to question my alcoholism! To wonder IF I'm a real alkie or not.....to wonder if I can maybe go do some extasy or some coke and get away with it. I take that stuff through the "Dr's Opinion," "Bill's Story" and through "More About Alcoholism" **and I take those "questions" into prayer and meditation and yanno...... I've YET to come out of those experiences being anything less than 100% convinced that I'm on the right path in recovery and in staying sober.

I suppose I could go test the waters but.......I may not make it back AND I think it makes sense to just go ahead and trust this "all powerful / all knowing God" I talk so much about, yanno? My experience shows me that I'm quite capable of manipulating any "experiments" so as to get the results I want......and even to do so without being consciously aware I'm doing it......whereas God seems to be right allthe time - my biggest problem is getting my ego and my will out of my ears/head so I can hear what He's trying to tell me.

luckedog

Anisle, I think it might be helpful to at least check out the information on this site;

https://rational.org/index.php?id=35

Supercrew

but I cant help but feel that I wont know if im a 'real' alcoholic unless I do try drinking again.

I did try again, only to have nothing happen a couple of times in a row. I seriously thought it was just a phase, and then I let my guard down about a month into my experiment, and I was back to square one, but worse. I went all progressive on me, and once I finally said "you have to stop!!" I was on my way to the ER for the detox.

I proved it to myself, I don't recommend the way I did it, and hopefully you don't have to go through it to prove it to yourself. But for me I did have to have that question answered.

JohnBarleycorn

Wise words for all...

bmwcycle

From Eric Clapton's Book,




The most harrowing and touching episode in Clapton’s early recovery deals with the death of his 4-year-old son, Conor, who fell out a window while playing hide-and-seek with his nanny and dropped 49 stories. The job of identifying the body fell to Clapton. I cannot comprehend how one stays sober under such circumstances, especially one in the early years of recovery, but somehow Clapton did.

Later, after telling his story at an A.A. meeting, he was accosted by a woman who said he had taken away her last excuse to drink. “I’ve always had this little corner of my mind which held the excuse that, if anything were to happen to my kids, then I’d be justified in getting drunk. You’ve shown me that’s not true.”

Ainslie

Thanks guys for your responses. Lafemme I like the idea of associating an image with the voice - usually im pretty good at just ignoring it - but occasionally like last night I choose to listen to it for hours. Never does me any favours LOL.

Supercrew - I merely want to drink to escape - each time I picture myself drinking, I have a few with friends then run off to the bottle store to get ample supplies to take home and get drunk alone on. It beats getting faceless and making an idiot out of myself in front of those I love and respect. The reason I havent done this is because I have the ability to 'play the tape the whole way through' and I know ill wake up wanting to drink more.

I dunno, I get sad, I get lonely, and angry at some of the choices ive made.....thinking about drinking is an easier option than coming up with constructive ways to heal my life. Im very hard on myself and quick to forget the progress ive made. I used to smoke a lot of pot so that I wouldnt dwell on the past so much but that backfired as in the end I couldnt really think ahead either. With that in mind, I guess I still have a lot of questions and problems associated with early recovery as ive only been clean from weed for 4.5 months.

Thanks again for reading/replying

Dee74

I regret a lot of the things I did too - I have twenty years more or less that I threw away.
When I think about all I've done in the last 4, sometimes that regret gets even bigger...

But I had to go through that to get to here.

I reckon nothing in life really gets wasted, unless we make a conscious decision to think that way

D

Another

Congratulations on your sobriety Ainslie! Your an inspiration to someone like me who only has half as much time seperated from the horrors of drinking. We must be true to ourselves about why we quit for good.

auxilio

I dunno, I get sad, I get lonely, and angry at some of the choices ive made.....thinking about drinking is an easier option than coming up with constructive ways to heal my life.

auxilio

This is me exactly...always seems like taking that drink will make me forget, avoid and not have to actually come through for anyone

LovesToTravel

WOW you are a year ahead of me and I thought it was crazy to have those thoughts of drinking again. I guess I thought they would just go away all together. It really is sneeky isn't it? Just one day at a time...congrats all all your time.

Ainslie

Auxilio - the way I see it, is entertaining that dependent voice is at least better than going out and drinking. Still, its even better to choose to ignore it and think about other things we can do that are good for us. For me, things like exercise and cleaning my house are easy options.

Lovestotravel - In my case the thoughts of drinking have lessened with time, but they still pop up now and then

Dee are you gonna write a book one day or what?

Dee74

Probably what Ains

LOL
D