recycle

Ainslie, sorry to hear about your struggles. I think it is very cool that you brought this up, and are getting some other peoples thoughts. It is really a healthy thing to do. You should be proud of yourself.

As far as knowing whether you are a 'real' alcoholic or not...well what do you get for knowing? Is there a prize or something? It easy for me to get fixated on knowing something. I think the 'something' is important, but it is not, it is just another fact among millions. I think the 'knowing' is important - we are all supposed to on this great quest to know ourselves right? But if I step back from the content and look at the form, I already know something important. Once again I am fixated on something. That fixation says a lot about me, maybe you too. I fixate on things, and my world goes to ca-ca when I do. My sense of proportion is slipping, and I need to let go of the fixation. (Here's where I could use a lot of healthy phrases about attachment, centering yourself, getting out of self...... yawn errr... I mean ommmmmm.)

Hopefully this makes sense Ainslie. I hope your Kung Fu is strong enough to defeat this rumination. Of all the superpowers you could have, being able to drink normally should be pretty far down the list. My thoughts are with you.

azureseas

Congrats on 2.5 years, that's awesome! I am 8 days. It has taken me a long time to realize what I was doing wasn't working.

Like someone else wrote here I also regret throwing away all those years, I'm mid 40's. You have time on your side, use it wisely

jamdls

Congrats on 2.5 yrs Ainslie and congrats for fighting that voice. I've only been sober about 3.5 yrs and about a month ago my sister was in town on business and we met for dinner, I was miserable I kept thinking how much more "fun" I'd have and be if I could just have a "glass or 2" of wine. I got really down and kept thinking that a 'glass or 2' wouldn't hurt me, I felt down for almost a full day and shared my feelings with the 2 most important people in my life, my daughter and my dad, and both of them "reminded" me that I wasn't any good at "just having a glass or 2". I know it is "'possible" that I could have just a glass or 2 of wine, even when I was heavily drinking there were occassions where I 'd only have a glass or 2; but I also know it is "possible" that I'd wind up having a bottle or 2 of wine instead. and since there is absolutely no guarantee which way it would go I think I'm going to continue playing on the safe side of the street.

artsoul

I think it's normal to have that little doubt in the back of our minds. Maybe if you go back and read some of your first posts, it will help you remember why you made the decision to quit.

I'm sure there's another "bottom" out there waiting for me if I start drinking again. But even though I didn't get a DUI, black out, or end up in the hospital, alcohol took plenty away from me.

You can always think of your sobriety as "preventative" medicine..... who wants to be a "real" alcoholic anyway?:ghug3

auxilio

Thank you. I am on day five and still fighting the urge to drown my head (literally) and my bank account in a bucket of red wine. I have so much trouble finishing basic tasks and I realize that it is because I am either drunk or recovering from a hangover. Yesterday, I studied the biological effects of drinking on the brain and it was really scary...you really see how it works in terms of biochemistry as a drug.

Ainslie

Nail, head. recycle, sometimes youre more helpful than my psychiatrist. Its not common knowledge that I hate to moan on the forums, but its true. I view it as weakness, when its not, its what theyre here for. I get fixated on ridiculous things, its okay when its something I can find the answer to easily, (thank google), but I have to accept that sometimes the more I look for an answer, the crazier I drive myself.

I forget the daily rewards that sobriety brings - I guess as time goes by its easy to forget how traumatic my drunken life was.

jamdls - likewise - occasionally I could have a glass or two but it was torture LOL. like that 'crossing the river of denial' quote

"She finally realized when she enjoyed her drinking, she couldn't control it, and when she controlled it, she didn't enjoy it."

Thanks again guys

ReadyAndAble

Another nail hit on the head, Ains. I'm just over 90 days along, this is my biggest concern. Maybe my only concern is forgetting, or at least failing to keep my memories and gratitude front and center. It's the only time I can imagine allowing myself to drink.

t also doesn't hurt to remember that I never really enjoyed having just one or two drinks. It was stressful as hell, trying to control it. I've got two choices: drunk or sober. Anything in between is pure fantasy for me.

Thanks for reminding me of all that tonight. I feel really good after reading this thread. Lots of important stuff in everyone's posts.