'Life' is what happens when you've made other plans...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 68
'Life' is what happens when you've made other plans...
I forget who said that originally, but its quote that stuck in my mind....
Wife and I got some life-altering news today. We're going to be grandparents. Before anyone says congratulations, this isn't exactly good news for us.
Our daughter is 18, still in high school and unemployed. Her boyfriend is 19, working a part-time minimum wage job. He doesn't have a drivers license.
My family health plan does not have maternity coverage. I don't know how she's going to pay a doctor, hospital, etc. I don't know how she's going to pay for diapers, clothing, formula, pediatrician.
I'm just barely making it as it is, I'm not going to be able take on their expenses. Nor do I think I should have to.
My sobriety is in serious peril right now, fighting the overwheming urge to get really stupid drunk right now. I'm not going to but I'm really having a hard time.
Advice? Anyone had kids in same situation?
Wife and I got some life-altering news today. We're going to be grandparents. Before anyone says congratulations, this isn't exactly good news for us.
Our daughter is 18, still in high school and unemployed. Her boyfriend is 19, working a part-time minimum wage job. He doesn't have a drivers license.
My family health plan does not have maternity coverage. I don't know how she's going to pay a doctor, hospital, etc. I don't know how she's going to pay for diapers, clothing, formula, pediatrician.
I'm just barely making it as it is, I'm not going to be able take on their expenses. Nor do I think I should have to.
My sobriety is in serious peril right now, fighting the overwheming urge to get really stupid drunk right now. I'm not going to but I'm really having a hard time.
Advice? Anyone had kids in same situation?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I have no kids or grandkids but yeah...don't drink Dave...your family needs you right now, man.
I don't know how people pay for doctors and clothes and food and then schooling and so on, but they do...I know its natural to get caught up in the what ifs, but my advice is try and stay in the day. Your daughter and her partner need to step up to the plate here, not you.
I hope others with more pertinent advice will be along soon.
D
I don't know how people pay for doctors and clothes and food and then schooling and so on, but they do...I know its natural to get caught up in the what ifs, but my advice is try and stay in the day. Your daughter and her partner need to step up to the plate here, not you.
I hope others with more pertinent advice will be along soon.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
She may qualify for medical assistance from the state, not sure how it is in IL though...(I used to live in So. Ill. but that was long ago)... and there are many ways for her to find help with all of this... she needs to get busy now though!
And there may be another set of grandparents to be?
Drunk isn't gonna' change a thing and just fuels that whole "woe is me" thing. You know that though. You will get through this, besides, it's not up to you, anymore, is it?
And... you may just end up a happy grandfather with a little baby you love to hold...
And there may be another set of grandparents to be?
Drunk isn't gonna' change a thing and just fuels that whole "woe is me" thing. You know that though. You will get through this, besides, it's not up to you, anymore, is it?
And... you may just end up a happy grandfather with a little baby you love to hold...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Yikes, Dave.
Kudos on realising that drinking won't solve anything.
I'm sure there's all sorts of assistance out there - government, churches, Salvation Army? I agree with Dee that stressing over "what ifs" probably won't help...many young women get into this situation and manage. Maybe talking to a school counselor will be a good first step?
This might sound inappropriately tough-love-ish, but I'd be inclined to let her deal with it...she is an adult, made adult deciosions that have adult consequences so it's mostly up to her and her boyfriend to figure out all the details going forward, not you and your wife.
Kudos on realising that drinking won't solve anything.
I'm sure there's all sorts of assistance out there - government, churches, Salvation Army? I agree with Dee that stressing over "what ifs" probably won't help...many young women get into this situation and manage. Maybe talking to a school counselor will be a good first step?
This might sound inappropriately tough-love-ish, but I'd be inclined to let her deal with it...she is an adult, made adult deciosions that have adult consequences so it's mostly up to her and her boyfriend to figure out all the details going forward, not you and your wife.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
oh MY!!! that is a lot to digest. IDK what state you are in, but your daughter is of legal age and should qualify for state assistance and pre-natal care from a clinic. she should start by seeking out the local Planned Parenthood office who will have complete information.
(notice I said she, not you or your wife)...if it's any consolation, i had a very *difficult* daughter who also had a boyfriend i would have happily run over with my car.
the parents of the baby your daughter and her BF are going to have to face a lot of difficult realities the next few months...you can be supportive without taking on the responsibility, but it will require a lot of patience from you.
you are very strong and need to keep thinking that your sobriety is most important.
(notice I said she, not you or your wife)...if it's any consolation, i had a very *difficult* daughter who also had a boyfriend i would have happily run over with my car.
the parents of the baby your daughter and her BF are going to have to face a lot of difficult realities the next few months...you can be supportive without taking on the responsibility, but it will require a lot of patience from you.
you are very strong and need to keep thinking that your sobriety is most important.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
excellent quote
That's an excellent quote and correct. Life is the sum of your experiences. Let them find out or 'experience' getting health care, food and shelter for the child. You don't have to kick to the curb but let them do the work.
It's onething to babysit or offer some meals but I wouldn't be taking on full responsibility just yet. For minors in many states they are elidgible for discount medical insurance if not free 100% coverage. Same for things like food stamps. Coach them through some paperwork or research but don't pick up their job right away.
Good Luck
It's onething to babysit or offer some meals but I wouldn't be taking on full responsibility just yet. For minors in many states they are elidgible for discount medical insurance if not free 100% coverage. Same for things like food stamps. Coach them through some paperwork or research but don't pick up their job right away.
Good Luck
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi JustDave. I'm really sorry to hear you are dealing with this stressful news right now. Hang in there.
My advice to you would be open communication with your daughter to see if she, being 18, understands what having and raising a baby will mean in terms of responsibility. Also to communicate openly about the choices she has. I don't know how it feels to be in your position, but I do know how it felt to be an 18-year-old girl, and at the time I had little to no genuine communication with my parents . . I assumed I knew what they thought about everything and what they wanted for me.
My advice to you would be open communication with your daughter to see if she, being 18, understands what having and raising a baby will mean in terms of responsibility. Also to communicate openly about the choices she has. I don't know how it feels to be in your position, but I do know how it felt to be an 18-year-old girl, and at the time I had little to no genuine communication with my parents . . I assumed I knew what they thought about everything and what they wanted for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 59
I know this is a touchy subject.. but I was in her shoes once and I'm only a year older than her... But have you tried talking to her about not keeping it? Or if that's even an option? I guess I don't know how you or her are with that subject.. But it's always an option and might be for the better. But like I said.. it is a touchy subject for a lot of people.
Hope you figure something out. Best of wishes to you.
Hope you figure something out. Best of wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Hey Dave, my story is very familiar,
My daughter was 18 and quit school, left home... We were worried out of our minds.
A few days latter she called and said she left because she was pregnant, the guy she was dating was supposably in school but found out he had quit a while back and was a minim wage worker.
I remember being drunk (as usual) and begged for him to come to see me that night face to face, I scared the he'll out of both of them.
I remember the following days thinking "what have I done?", I've chased her away.
My wife and I had a choice, to accept this or loose our first born daughter as we knew her forever.
That was 2 and half years ago, they are happily married and making it own there own, they do struggle and it was not the way I had it planned but we have a very beautiful grand baby girl!
Life does change it's the only thing that stays the same, my drinking made things worse than needed to be, stick it out sober, being a grand parent is actually kinda cool!
My daughter was 18 and quit school, left home... We were worried out of our minds.
A few days latter she called and said she left because she was pregnant, the guy she was dating was supposably in school but found out he had quit a while back and was a minim wage worker.
I remember being drunk (as usual) and begged for him to come to see me that night face to face, I scared the he'll out of both of them.
I remember the following days thinking "what have I done?", I've chased her away.
My wife and I had a choice, to accept this or loose our first born daughter as we knew her forever.
That was 2 and half years ago, they are happily married and making it own there own, they do struggle and it was not the way I had it planned but we have a very beautiful grand baby girl!
Life does change it's the only thing that stays the same, my drinking made things worse than needed to be, stick it out sober, being a grand parent is actually kinda cool!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Hi dave, i am sorry for this difficult time for you. But have to agree with everybody here, it is not your responsibility. As a parent we will always be there to support our children, but your daughter is an adult nnow, so suppport her by allowing her to figure this out for herself.
The most important thing is to focus on you and your sobriety, because as you say, drinking now will help nothing....and give yourself a huge pat on the back for knowing that. It is an awesome step in your recovery that you should be proud of!
The most important thing is to focus on you and your sobriety, because as you say, drinking now will help nothing....and give yourself a huge pat on the back for knowing that. It is an awesome step in your recovery that you should be proud of!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 30
"Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans."
John Lennon, Lyric from "Beautiful Boy"
We are fortunate to live in a society in which mothers who need assistance can get it.
A song written for his cherished baby boy and the precious time that he had to spend with him without being a participant in the rat race. Interesting that you happened to select that lyric. You have your sobriety, and time passes so fast - as John Lennon was pointing out in the song - you will have the opportunity to be there for your grandchild.
Best wishes to you, don't drink over it, who says there isn't a higher power and only the best for your new grandchild.
John Lennon, Lyric from "Beautiful Boy"
We are fortunate to live in a society in which mothers who need assistance can get it.
A song written for his cherished baby boy and the precious time that he had to spend with him without being a participant in the rat race. Interesting that you happened to select that lyric. You have your sobriety, and time passes so fast - as John Lennon was pointing out in the song - you will have the opportunity to be there for your grandchild.
Best wishes to you, don't drink over it, who says there isn't a higher power and only the best for your new grandchild.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I know you don't want to hear it but congratulations!
We have had a few unplanned pregnancies in our family. You get over the initial upset, then realize she can't become un-pregnant, and then get ready for a beautiful new addition to your family! Your life will be richer for sure.
As mentioned by others, this isn't directly your issue to deal with. They are a young couple but will find a way to work it out.
We have had a few unplanned pregnancies in our family. You get over the initial upset, then realize she can't become un-pregnant, and then get ready for a beautiful new addition to your family! Your life will be richer for sure.
As mentioned by others, this isn't directly your issue to deal with. They are a young couple but will find a way to work it out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 68
Thanks for the support everyone!
Yeah, I need to take a step back and let them figure it out for themselves. I've always been the sole financial support for my wife and daughter for the last 19 years and just automatically react thinking everything is all on my shoulders.
Yeah, I need to take a step back and let them figure it out for themselves. I've always been the sole financial support for my wife and daughter for the last 19 years and just automatically react thinking everything is all on my shoulders.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
just automatically react thinking everything is all on my shoulders.
We forget that we made it through (somehow) and faced lots of difficult times. Sometimes it's just what we need to grow up......
I think what AmericanGirl said is right on the money: talk to your daughter (or even the two of them together), just to let them know that you're there. If they ask for advice fine, if not, that's OK too. Just knowing her dad still loves her is the real gift (and a free one) that no one else but you can give your daughter.
(As far as time/money, just decide what you will/won't do, so if it comes up you'll already have the answer)............
Prayers for your family.........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 68
Now my daughter is hinting she want's her boyfriend to move in with us after the baby is born. My position is dead set against this idea. If that occurs, my fear is that these two will never grow up and will end up living with me for a long time to come. They've started a family, by mistake, and its time for both to take responsibility for their actions.
So in addition to a newborn (on the way), I'm going to be responsible for housing and feeding two adult children? I don't think so.
Man, its real hard to not start drinking again...
So in addition to a newborn (on the way), I'm going to be responsible for housing and feeding two adult children? I don't think so.
Man, its real hard to not start drinking again...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,912
I don't blame you for not wanting them to move in, but it's nothing to drink over. Drinking won't change anything and you'll feel like crap in more ways than one tomorrow. Hang in there. This is NOT your problem, so don't make it yours. Tell her right now that moving her boyfriend in is not an option. That will give them plenty of time to come up with Plan B.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Rough spot.
It's a hard balance. Wanting to teach your daughter a lesson in tough love "you made an adult choice now deal with it" versus risking putting an innocent baby in any danger or risk because of said tough love. Certainly not baby's lesson to learn in his/her first moments of life.
I would encourage her to call the local Medicaid office. She should qualify, at least until the child is born, or shortly thereafter. 1-800-843-6154. In the State of IL, there is an All Kids program which basically offers some type of health insurance to, "all kids". There are housing resources, food stamps etc.. through the Medicaid office as well.
I hope that the baby is born loved, happy and healthy and that over these next 9ish months you are able to grow together as a family and not apart.
It's a hard balance. Wanting to teach your daughter a lesson in tough love "you made an adult choice now deal with it" versus risking putting an innocent baby in any danger or risk because of said tough love. Certainly not baby's lesson to learn in his/her first moments of life.
I would encourage her to call the local Medicaid office. She should qualify, at least until the child is born, or shortly thereafter. 1-800-843-6154. In the State of IL, there is an All Kids program which basically offers some type of health insurance to, "all kids". There are housing resources, food stamps etc.. through the Medicaid office as well.
I hope that the baby is born loved, happy and healthy and that over these next 9ish months you are able to grow together as a family and not apart.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
The only thing you drinking will do is make the situation worse. You need to take care of YOU right now, so you can do what you want/need to do. Your family needs you sober right now.
I agree with you, I would not let them move in with me. It's their situation, they need to deal with it.
My very best wishes to you.
I agree with you, I would not let them move in with me. It's their situation, they need to deal with it.
My very best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
You're going to think i'm an ass but they actually wrote a song for you
YouTube - Darryl Worley, Sounds Like Life To Me - OFFICIAL VIDEO
YouTube - Darryl Worley, Sounds Like Life To Me - OFFICIAL VIDEO
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