Insanity
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Insanity
Scoured the internet (again) tonite hoping to find an 'are you an alcoholic?' test that by some stroke of magic might return my answers with a non-alcoholic or ambiguous result. I'd kill to rate just as a 'problem drinker' even... Because if I did, then a drink or two'd be hardly all that dangerous, and damn does it feel like that prescription is exactly what's in order right now.
The internet did not absolve me. I took every test I could find, and even with my most conservative input, scored in the alcoholic range across the board. I wasn't a bit surprised. I know I'm an alcoholic and I know that I can't drink. But I'm less accepting of those facts in some moods, and tho I'm quite sure an outside appraisal can't ever set me free, it can help me justify sneaking a bottle in... I know that I can't drink. One sip and I am risking a return to jail. For an awful long time. I can't drink because I can't stop when I do. And I can't drink because I don't want to live the way I did and because of the million and ten other reasons on my list. I can't drink. I know I can't drink... Yet I make deals in my head in the insomniac hours wherein I tell myself that if I can just find a test on the internet kind enough to grant me a reprieve, well then, sure I can have a couple drinks. Because what's the worth of deprivation for the sake of deprivation? I can call in a bottle of fine scotch and a fifth of gin and just hope I don't have any "gincidents" because the internet says I'm not an alcoholic, because I deserve a drink dammit for dealing with all of the stress of my legal situation, because my job is stressful, because my mind has a habit of betraying me, because I haven't had it easy, because it's my 'fix'...
I'm going on 17 days sober, I've got no booze in the house, I'm generally sane, and I know this craving will pass. I am committed to this fight, but I am crawling up walls right now as it feels not so much like an isolated craving as a fully integrated mind/body tantrum, an animal drive to get absolutely and completely annihilated.
I'll be fine, just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me do that.
The internet did not absolve me. I took every test I could find, and even with my most conservative input, scored in the alcoholic range across the board. I wasn't a bit surprised. I know I'm an alcoholic and I know that I can't drink. But I'm less accepting of those facts in some moods, and tho I'm quite sure an outside appraisal can't ever set me free, it can help me justify sneaking a bottle in... I know that I can't drink. One sip and I am risking a return to jail. For an awful long time. I can't drink because I can't stop when I do. And I can't drink because I don't want to live the way I did and because of the million and ten other reasons on my list. I can't drink. I know I can't drink... Yet I make deals in my head in the insomniac hours wherein I tell myself that if I can just find a test on the internet kind enough to grant me a reprieve, well then, sure I can have a couple drinks. Because what's the worth of deprivation for the sake of deprivation? I can call in a bottle of fine scotch and a fifth of gin and just hope I don't have any "gincidents" because the internet says I'm not an alcoholic, because I deserve a drink dammit for dealing with all of the stress of my legal situation, because my job is stressful, because my mind has a habit of betraying me, because I haven't had it easy, because it's my 'fix'...
I'm going on 17 days sober, I've got no booze in the house, I'm generally sane, and I know this craving will pass. I am committed to this fight, but I am crawling up walls right now as it feels not so much like an isolated craving as a fully integrated mind/body tantrum, an animal drive to get absolutely and completely annihilated.
I'll be fine, just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me do that.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
These hours are my torment too, I think they are for a lot of alcoholics. I often fought the insanity by calling the 24-hour AA hotline and just talking for a bit. It made me feel so much less alone. Just Google "AA hotline [your nearest large city]". You can call even if you've never been to AA. Congrats on your 17 days and welcome to the community!
GG
GG
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by ste 
Good to vent, 12 noon here. Got any more?
Still in the thick of it in the long hours of the night here... There's something oddly hopeful in hearing from someone already in the middle of tomorrow tho.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, life isn't fair.
Or maybe it is. Either way, a drink will put you right back in the thick of the addiction.
Your thoughts and feelings are understandable, but only to other alcoholics. The sooner you stop looking for loopholes, the quicker this will pass.
I work in the legal field. There's a jury instruction for criminal law that says even though a defendant's guilt must be proved beyond a reasonable doubt, it also points out that every possible or imaginary doubt isn't a reasonable one. I'm convinced in my mind, based upon the evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I'm an alcoholic. Now, is it POSSIBLE that it is merely insane coincidence that I drank myself into oblivion on a regular basis, and I'm not really an alcoholic? Sure, anything's theoretically possible. Likely? Likely enough that I want to bet my life on it?
Or maybe it is. Either way, a drink will put you right back in the thick of the addiction.
Your thoughts and feelings are understandable, but only to other alcoholics. The sooner you stop looking for loopholes, the quicker this will pass.
I work in the legal field. There's a jury instruction for criminal law that says even though a defendant's guilt must be proved beyond a reasonable doubt, it also points out that every possible or imaginary doubt isn't a reasonable one. I'm convinced in my mind, based upon the evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I'm an alcoholic. Now, is it POSSIBLE that it is merely insane coincidence that I drank myself into oblivion on a regular basis, and I'm not really an alcoholic? Sure, anything's theoretically possible. Likely? Likely enough that I want to bet my life on it?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hey, life isn't fair.
Or maybe it is. Either way, a drink will put you right back in the thick of the addiction.
Your thoughts and feelings are understandable, but only to other alcoholics. The sooner you stop looking for loopholes, the quicker this will pass.
I work in the legal field. There's a jury instruction for criminal law that says even though a defendant's guilt must be proved beyond a reasonable doubt, it also points out that every possible or imaginary doubt isn't a reasonable one. I'm convinced in my mind, based upon the evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I'm an alcoholic. Now, is it POSSIBLE that it is merely insane coincidence that I drank myself into oblivion on a regular basis, and I'm not really an alcoholic? Sure, anything's theoretically possible. Likely? Likely enough that I want to bet my life on it?
Or maybe it is. Either way, a drink will put you right back in the thick of the addiction.
Your thoughts and feelings are understandable, but only to other alcoholics. The sooner you stop looking for loopholes, the quicker this will pass.
I work in the legal field. There's a jury instruction for criminal law that says even though a defendant's guilt must be proved beyond a reasonable doubt, it also points out that every possible or imaginary doubt isn't a reasonable one. I'm convinced in my mind, based upon the evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I'm an alcoholic. Now, is it POSSIBLE that it is merely insane coincidence that I drank myself into oblivion on a regular basis, and I'm not really an alcoholic? Sure, anything's theoretically possible. Likely? Likely enough that I want to bet my life on it?
i'd also like to add that if we could also set aside reasonable doubt for a moment and apply "beyond a shadow of a doubt" that all of us could agree that birds fly, fish swim and we drank.. for me, it was as simple as that.
imo, if i crave it, i'm addicted to it.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
When I first realized I needed to get sober and that I wasn't ever going to be able to control my drinking, I also had legal trouble. I'm now in the "paying society back for what I did" phase
As it stands now, it's illegal for me to drink. I'm being closely monitored multiple times throughout the day (6 months worth of a breathalizer in my home, but only 6 weeks left) and I have monthly testing for 3.5 more years.
...but going back to 15 months ago, when I first got sober, I needed someone else to do my thinking for me.
You see, my "thinker" was off and it was broken, just like my life. I simply couldn't "outhink" myself out of my alcoholism. If I could, then I probably woudn't be an alcoholic to begin with.
AA provided me with exactly that. Direction from those who know what it takes to get and stay sober. I let them do my thinking for me until I could think for myself.
I had to change who I was or the same me will drink again, and again, and again.
Maybe this is true with you too?
Kjell~
As it stands now, it's illegal for me to drink. I'm being closely monitored multiple times throughout the day (6 months worth of a breathalizer in my home, but only 6 weeks left) and I have monthly testing for 3.5 more years.
...but going back to 15 months ago, when I first got sober, I needed someone else to do my thinking for me.
You see, my "thinker" was off and it was broken, just like my life. I simply couldn't "outhink" myself out of my alcoholism. If I could, then I probably woudn't be an alcoholic to begin with.
AA provided me with exactly that. Direction from those who know what it takes to get and stay sober. I let them do my thinking for me until I could think for myself.
I had to change who I was or the same me will drink again, and again, and again.
Maybe this is true with you too?
Kjell~
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
I'm going on 17 days sober, I've got no booze in the house, I'm generally sane, and I know this craving will pass.
It cannot be a craving for alcohol, because the craving occurs after alcohol hits the body. What you are probably going through is mental obsession over alcohol.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Location: Serene In Dixie
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Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by NobleCause
Scoured the internet (again) tonite hoping to find an 'are you an alcoholic?' test that by some stroke of magic might return my answers with a non-alcoholic or ambiguous result.
I recall one in particular - it spit out:
"Only 3% of the adult male population drinks more than you say you drink."
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Posts: 426
Yep, I get that life's not fair, no illusions about that, nor contrary expectations. And I'm profoundly grateful for all that I do have, much of which I arguably don't deserve at this point. That doesn't fix my mind or nature tho, much like my legal conditions and the laws of moral decency haven't historically proven sufficient deterrents either. Dealing with life on life's terms sans blinders or bumpers feels an insurmountable proposition at times and my insomnia provides an excellent playground for magnifying every shortcoming of my life. Acceptance becomes hard to relax into, and up the walls I go.
I've been doing my best to address my issues with therapy, meditation, crazy amounts of exercise, yoga, AA meetings (sporadically, admittedly), even hypnosis... I used to take sleeping pills but that ended badly. Ultimately, I am my own worst enemy in this all, and I am far more fluent in topical salves and temporary relief than in digging around on the root level. Anyway, thank you all for the suggestions and wisdom (and for listening to my bellyaching) - I appreciate it all and will hold it close.*
(hope this made some sense, a little worse for the wear today after many nights of little sleep in a row)
I've been doing my best to address my issues with therapy, meditation, crazy amounts of exercise, yoga, AA meetings (sporadically, admittedly), even hypnosis... I used to take sleeping pills but that ended badly. Ultimately, I am my own worst enemy in this all, and I am far more fluent in topical salves and temporary relief than in digging around on the root level. Anyway, thank you all for the suggestions and wisdom (and for listening to my bellyaching) - I appreciate it all and will hold it close.*
(hope this made some sense, a little worse for the wear today after many nights of little sleep in a row)
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Originally Posted by JohnBarleycorn
Oh, I remember taking those tests.
I recall one in particular - it spit out:
"Only 3% of the adult male population drinks more than you say you drink."
I recall one in particular - it spit out:
"Only 3% of the adult male population drinks more than you say you drink."
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Originally Posted by artsoul
Lots of thinking going on.........and it does sounds like you're looking for a way to satisfy that itch, NC.
If this were a post from someone else, what would you recommend they do?
If this were a post from someone else, what would you recommend they do?
Let go. Get rest. Go to a meeting. Be honest.
I'm on it.
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