Where to begin?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ft. Worth, TX
Posts: 17
Where to begin?
So, I've finally come to terms with the fact that my drinking is back out of control. I find myself drinking even when I don't necessarily even feel like it just out of sheer boredom, yet it leads back to another raging drunk. I did 4.5 months of sobriety with no problem this past year, yet I can't find the handle on it this time to even pull a week of sobriety together again, which was essentially not hard at all even when I did start slipping back into drinking. They say that there's nothing worse than a belly full of beer and a head full of AA, and I agree. Yet I just can't seem to pull it back together. I love the way I feel after a few days sober, and get very grateful that I don't have to wake up feeling like crap anymore, yet it's not enough to drive me away from staying off the bottle. It's ridiculous, because I know I have more self control than this, yet I have to remember that I'm up against something much bigger than me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
i used to think like that too. i could string along a little time and then i'd take the withdrawal meds and stay sober for a week or 2 and it was back to the races. i did this for the better part of a decade.
over time, i got addicted to the withdrawal meds and i was up to a half a gallon of whiskey a day. i think it was mainly because i felt none of the consequences that the withdrawal brought.
in the end, i had to detox cold turkey and it almost ended my life. i endured a 30 day raw detox that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. that pain, i'll never ever forget. i know i'd never survive another detox so i make sure i never forget my last.
i hope you don't have to go as far as i did to get this.
over time, i got addicted to the withdrawal meds and i was up to a half a gallon of whiskey a day. i think it was mainly because i felt none of the consequences that the withdrawal brought.
in the end, i had to detox cold turkey and it almost ended my life. i endured a 30 day raw detox that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. that pain, i'll never ever forget. i know i'd never survive another detox so i make sure i never forget my last.
i hope you don't have to go as far as i did to get this.
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
My last binge was like that, Scapilot, and I just didn't seem to get the motivation to quit. Not until my stomach started causing pain and discomfort, even when I drank water. Fear is a great motivator. Don't let that happen to you. Just don't pick up that first drink, that's all you need to do. Good luck, my friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ft. Worth, TX
Posts: 17
Thanks folks. I find great comfort in this website, and the anxiety that hangovers bring me these days is even settled just by coming on here and doing a little reading, and realizing that there is a life out there that doesn't have to be uncomfortable. I'm in a new band, and we had a really great show the other night (Saturday) and that's another of my fears is that I can't live the lifestyle that I love so much without the temptation of alcohol, though I know that any and everything that I love and want to do can be achieved sober.
I think that was one of the most valuable lessons I learned last year was that you can cook out, and hang out (with those who respect you enough not to entice you to drink) and go out without having to succomb to those wishes and urges. Yet I find it so easy sometimes to just slip and drink. Its ridiculous really. lol. Bulldog, thanks for the wisdom there. I have been extremeoly fortunate in that my health has held up surprisingly well through my drinking. I have a brother who is a functioning alcoholic, and a dad who can just turn it on and off at will. Yet it doesn't seem to phase them nearly as much as it does me as far as recovering. I did go through a detox center last year but left on my own after five days because I didn't like all the company that I was in at the facility. It wasn't just folks detoxing, it was all the loonies (sorry to say that), and I felt more uncomfortable being there at the time, but realize that I got what I needed out of it.
In summary, I just want to live a longer, fuller life, and need to find priority where it is in my life, and work on keeping my home, family, job, and mind together as long as I can.
I think that was one of the most valuable lessons I learned last year was that you can cook out, and hang out (with those who respect you enough not to entice you to drink) and go out without having to succomb to those wishes and urges. Yet I find it so easy sometimes to just slip and drink. Its ridiculous really. lol. Bulldog, thanks for the wisdom there. I have been extremeoly fortunate in that my health has held up surprisingly well through my drinking. I have a brother who is a functioning alcoholic, and a dad who can just turn it on and off at will. Yet it doesn't seem to phase them nearly as much as it does me as far as recovering. I did go through a detox center last year but left on my own after five days because I didn't like all the company that I was in at the facility. It wasn't just folks detoxing, it was all the loonies (sorry to say that), and I felt more uncomfortable being there at the time, but realize that I got what I needed out of it.
In summary, I just want to live a longer, fuller life, and need to find priority where it is in my life, and work on keeping my home, family, job, and mind together as long as I can.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back...
When I began my formal AA Steps I felt a shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery...
You might want to start again with Step work.
If you did them...please go back to Step 1
and move forward.
All my best to you and your family
When I began my formal AA Steps I felt a shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery...
You might want to start again with Step work.
If you did them...please go back to Step 1
and move forward.
All my best to you and your family
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Sca-
When you quit before, did you honestly know that you were quitting for good? Or did you have this, even if it was teeny tiny, notion that you would eventually drink again (which you did?).
I only bring this up b/c it's sooo important to quit with no notion, even if it's only a small lingering one, that we can never drink again.
I had to change who I was or the same me will drink again, and again, and again.
Maybe this is true with you too?
We can and do recover and you can be living proof.
Kjell~
When you quit before, did you honestly know that you were quitting for good? Or did you have this, even if it was teeny tiny, notion that you would eventually drink again (which you did?).
I only bring this up b/c it's sooo important to quit with no notion, even if it's only a small lingering one, that we can never drink again.
I had to change who I was or the same me will drink again, and again, and again.
Maybe this is true with you too?
We can and do recover and you can be living proof.
Kjell~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ft. Worth, TX
Posts: 17
CarolD - Thank you much for the words of encouragement. Again, I find peace of mind just being on this forum. It's amazing how much you can get out of looking somewhere for something positive from people who mean you nothing but well. It's a hard thing to find these days, and I think that's why we as a society rely so much on outside sources to feel wanted and accepted, or to at least numb the pain of finding neither.
I personally am not one of those people who drinks because I have a life long list of problems. All things considered, I'm very fortunate in my own eyes, have had a succesful military career that branched over to an amazing job working on the F-35 program here at Lockheed-Martin these days, a marriage to the girl that I've loved that has endured ten years of alcohol related abuse, and three wonderful kids that despite everything are still certain that I'm super man.
Again....I never really had to hit rock bottom to feel that enough is enough, ultimately I'm just really sick of feeling like sh!t all the time if that makes any sense. lol.
And KJell, I think you hit the nail on the head with your assumption, and I'm quite honest enough to admit that I'm stubborn, hard headed and very self reliant. Hence, I quit going to AA because I didn't quite like some of the topics that were discussed. Felt too off topic sometimes, and I didn't quite relate. Other times was great. It's just one of those things where I kind of like hearing what I need to hear at that moment. (See: Hard headed) lol. So I eventually quit going to AA, but I didn't quit recognizing the changes going on around me, and for the longest time my sobriety was very important to me, and didn't have to be validated by another 30 day chip to add to the pile.
I hate to sound like I think AA is a joke, because I absolutely don't, and think it's an amazing outlet where you can meet and greet face to face with people who are from all walks of life, but are so like you in the same ways, regardless of who we are or what we do once we leave the place. But back to the original topic, I didn't really say that I was ever going to drink again, but I never had it in my mind that I was not ever going to drink again either, and perhaps I got too comfortable with how good things were going and went back out to "do a little more research". That has essentially landed me back in the same boat.
I can honestly say that I do not drink ANYTHING like I did prior to my last recovery stint, merely for the fact that it scares me to think that I won't make it if I do. I feel the toll that it takes on my body now just after 10-12 beers, but can't imagine how it would be if I was still drinking everything in the fridge up to and including liquor, which I also refuse these days as well.
In essence, I just need to get out of the mindset that relays messages to me that I'm just supposed to be that guy who drinks and start listening more to the mindset that reminds me of exactly how it is that I'm going to feel the next 1-2-3 days after a wild bender. It's crazy that I still exact that kind of punishment upon myself knowing damn well what's coming, but perhaps that's the part that I'm trying to get fixed. Either way, sorry for the novel folks, but it's important to put it all out there so that people have a good judge of character on what the full spectrum of the problem is sometimes. Thanks for the replies.
I personally am not one of those people who drinks because I have a life long list of problems. All things considered, I'm very fortunate in my own eyes, have had a succesful military career that branched over to an amazing job working on the F-35 program here at Lockheed-Martin these days, a marriage to the girl that I've loved that has endured ten years of alcohol related abuse, and three wonderful kids that despite everything are still certain that I'm super man.
Again....I never really had to hit rock bottom to feel that enough is enough, ultimately I'm just really sick of feeling like sh!t all the time if that makes any sense. lol.
And KJell, I think you hit the nail on the head with your assumption, and I'm quite honest enough to admit that I'm stubborn, hard headed and very self reliant. Hence, I quit going to AA because I didn't quite like some of the topics that were discussed. Felt too off topic sometimes, and I didn't quite relate. Other times was great. It's just one of those things where I kind of like hearing what I need to hear at that moment. (See: Hard headed) lol. So I eventually quit going to AA, but I didn't quit recognizing the changes going on around me, and for the longest time my sobriety was very important to me, and didn't have to be validated by another 30 day chip to add to the pile.
I hate to sound like I think AA is a joke, because I absolutely don't, and think it's an amazing outlet where you can meet and greet face to face with people who are from all walks of life, but are so like you in the same ways, regardless of who we are or what we do once we leave the place. But back to the original topic, I didn't really say that I was ever going to drink again, but I never had it in my mind that I was not ever going to drink again either, and perhaps I got too comfortable with how good things were going and went back out to "do a little more research". That has essentially landed me back in the same boat.
I can honestly say that I do not drink ANYTHING like I did prior to my last recovery stint, merely for the fact that it scares me to think that I won't make it if I do. I feel the toll that it takes on my body now just after 10-12 beers, but can't imagine how it would be if I was still drinking everything in the fridge up to and including liquor, which I also refuse these days as well.
In essence, I just need to get out of the mindset that relays messages to me that I'm just supposed to be that guy who drinks and start listening more to the mindset that reminds me of exactly how it is that I'm going to feel the next 1-2-3 days after a wild bender. It's crazy that I still exact that kind of punishment upon myself knowing damn well what's coming, but perhaps that's the part that I'm trying to get fixed. Either way, sorry for the novel folks, but it's important to put it all out there so that people have a good judge of character on what the full spectrum of the problem is sometimes. Thanks for the replies.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Your honesty will get you far, my friend.
Keep up the good work and I'm an AA'er and I totally understand what you mean, but it's also in the willingness to do things we think are silly, that help us to change who we are and doing that is part of the recovery process too
Kjell~
Keep up the good work and I'm an AA'er and I totally understand what you mean, but it's also in the willingness to do things we think are silly, that help us to change who we are and doing that is part of the recovery process too
Kjell~
In Memory of Dave 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Port Republic Md
Posts: 25
Well I'm glad to see your posting about it and not just throwing the towel in and diving back into a bottle with both feet, like I did many times. We get the chance to learn from our mistakes and if we read these posts to learn from others mistakes as well. Thank God I was given the gift of desperation. If I didn't change I would have died from my disease. Don't give up when the miracle is there in front of you. Support is all around you...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ft. Worth, TX
Posts: 17
I'm sure ready for the shakes, and elevated heart rate, and racing mind to go back away. That's for sure. It's almost intolerable these days, and I have to just remind myself that it's the aftermath of the abuse I subject myself to. Hopefully they'll stave off by this evening, and I'll be able to rest easy and wake up tomorrow with something to feel good, or hell....even normal about again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 102
I hate feeling like that scapilot..shaking hands, weird racing heart. So glad those days are gone..so glad I can still remember them. You have to get thru the days one by one focused on the goal. I have found people get sober for good when they want sobriety more than they want to be drunk. Some people never get there..Ask yourself how bad you want it? You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ft. Worth, TX
Posts: 17
So far I'm feeling a thousand times better today than I did yesterday. Now I just have to remember how much I hate going through those feelings like I did yesterday. That's my problem. I start feeling good, and enjoying the good parts of being sober, and reward myself with another punishing blow to mind and body by getting drunk. lol. The insanity of it all. But today is much better than yesterday, and it's important for me to feel this good for all the good I have in my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Kjell 
When you quit before, did you honestly know that you were quitting for good? Or did you have this, even if it was teeny tiny, notion that you would eventually drink again (which you did?).
I only bring this up b/c it's sooo important to quit with no notion, even if it's only a small lingering one, that we can never drink again.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by scapilot
So, I've finally come to terms with the fact that my drinking is back out of control. I find myself drinking even when I don't necessarily even feel like it just out of sheer boredom, yet it leads back to another raging drunk. I did 4.5 months of sobriety with no problem this past year, yet I can't find the handle on it this time to even pull a week of sobriety together again, which was essentially not hard at all even when I did start slipping back into drinking. They say that there's nothing worse than a belly full of beer and a head full of AA, and I agree. Yet I just can't seem to pull it back together. I love the way I feel after a few days sober, and get very grateful that I don't have to wake up feeling like crap anymore, yet it's not enough to drive me away from staying off the bottle. It's ridiculous, because I know I have more self control than this, yet I have to remember that I'm up against something much bigger than me.
Idle time man. Idle time is the devil's playground. Work on recovery, make a good friend in AA and get into something positive/productive/creative.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I find myself drinking even when I don't necessarily even feel like it just out of sheer boredom
I finally realized that I really didn't want to wait until I had some "real" motivation to quit...... like hospital bills, dying slowly and painfully, more lost work (probably losing my house), the sadness of my family/friends, DUI's, more depression/anxiety/self-loathing........ yeah, I'll take the boredom any day!!
The thing is, after several months, it wasn't an issue. It wasn't "boredom" anymore........ it was "more time to do things I wanted to do."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: winnsboro TX
Posts: 27
I'm back...and i think i'm glad. been through 5 detox in same number of years. two just these last two weeks. can't seem to find a handle on it this time. out two days...went and bought some more. now two days out again. same. I'm beginning to think my butts getting whooped. my job may be gone . my wife. it's got me good this time. i'm 52, if that matters . I started shooting drugs when i was 15, naturally thought alcohol was a better path. pardon if my rant doesn't fit into yours
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