NYCDoglvr

Thank you all for jumping in.

Reality check: you're right, he was more than just a sponsor. He was a very close friend (I thought) throughout my sobriety. I think it was a mistake to ask him to be a sponsor (two years ago). It's much more a case of being suddenly and inexplicably dumped by a friend that hurts so much.

I'm fearful enough of this disease that I can -- and will -- jump in by upping meetings during this tough patch.

As for going to AA meetings with many years in the program, please understand it took me about four years to stop hating AA, lol. It's the fellowship -- the people -- that makes a difference in my life. I believe that while I go to meetings, my alcoholism is doing push ups! Its the only place where I can say something weird ("I want to murder my best friend") and everyone will nod, of course they understand. I love helping newcomers because other people before me saved my life. I've been to meetings all over the world.

In the beginning being an alcoholic was the focus of my life but not anymore. Yea I'm an alcoholic and also a woman, friend, worker, traveler. It's just part of the picture but certainly not all of it.

Thank you all so very, very much.

UniqueNewYork

Sorry I typed it the wrong way. What the radio man said was put 10 pennies in your pocket, then remove one each type you call a friend. He said do this every day. I personally.. don't want to bug my friends that much (LOL!) but I got the gist of what he was saying.

I have had numerous conversations with my girlfriend recently where I told her "I don't know why I don't talk to (so and so) that much. I mean I really like them. I am just wierd and I really have to fight the urge to not talk to my friends."

BP44

I hope you do jump back in. What you are describing sounds like untreated alcoholism. Get involved with a home group. Get a new sponsor, sponsor others and for God's sake take on a service position in your home group. Now spiritual pride may tell you that maybe I don't need to do all that at 19 1/2 years. But the reality is that you do. We have to stay in the middle of the deal. The only thing that keeps me completely in the game is having all three legacies active in my life. The good news is that you seem to be aware of the disconnection. There are a lot of folks with your amount of time that get sucked out, and never make it back in. Untreated alcoholism at some point in time claims them and they either drink or kill themselves.