least

I still had my home, but wasn't taking care of it. I still had my kids, but they didn't respect me. I had still had my life, but it was miserable. I only 'lost' my self respect and my will to live. My bottom was emotional: I wanted to die to escape my miserable existance.

But when I wanted to bad enough, I did stop drinking and am coming up on 15 months sober. As long as a person is breathing, there's still hope, but they have to want to be sober more than they want to drink.

concernednurse

Thank you all very much for your replies so far, it has been very helpful to me

FBL

I considered myself a very "high functioning" person. I worked 8-10 hours a day, never missing a day of work. I did have a DUI, but I simply chalked it up to "wrong place, wrong time". I even had some well-meaning friends tell me that I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic, because I only drank beer! I mostly drank by myself, anywhere from 12-18 beers EVERY night (even more on the weekends) for 10 straight years and I was a weekly binger for the 20 years before that. When I drank in public I was always the typical "happy drunk" and never once got mean or nasty. My anxiety slowly got worse and worse and one day I just "lost it" and ended up in the hospital emergency room with a severe panic attack and suffering from dehydration. I came clean to the doctor about my drinking and he said I was "probably" an alcoholic! That was my "A-HA" moment. It was the first time in my life that I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. That was on June 22, 2009. I haven't touched a drop since that day and I've never been happier in my life. Bottom line is, nobody could tell me I was an alcoholic, I had to admit it to myself before I could possibly get better.

concernednurse

I just wanted to clarify something to all of you readers and responders out there! I had my two original posts removed from the F&F section by the moderator because the advice I was looking for in terms of how to approach my BF was before I talked to him in person. I was afraid that he would come here, in support for himself, and come across my posts and get upset that i came to strangers for advice. How codependent of me!! SO if you go to look for my original posts, they are no longer there, sorry But I will say, that now that we have discussed our situation openly, I am here getting the support that I need for myself, and I hope someday (soon) he will come to get support for himself too. And thanks again to everyone for your input, it has given me that shred of hope I was looking for, and I am cautiously but hopefully anticipating the strides we can make together as a couple to make for a happy life together.

doggonecarl

Ms. Nurse, it might be useful for you to use a "alcoholic" scale to gage your BF's stage, but not so useful to him. I might have quit thinking I was a 7. But part of recovery is discovering how cunning alcohol is, how deceitful my alcoholic mind is. There is always the danger that I can convince myself that I'm a 4 or 5 and open the door to resume my drinking ways.

From the experiences I've read during my 6 months on SR, you don't have to hit 10 to succeed in recovery; and hitting bottom is no guarantee for staying sober.

I wish you and your BF the best.

Fandy

this was pretty much me also. I really prefer my sober self and approach life with a different mindset. I think you believe he wants to stop, but will remain cautous towards him. at least until you feel comfortable with his actions. He chose YOU over drinking and you are being supportive and not drinking too. that says a lot. take your time and both of you have patience.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

I guess I didn't want to die. Got to the point where ending my life seemed to be a reasonable solution to my problems at the time, more disturbing is the fact that I didn't realize how unhealthy this line of thinking was until I had been sober for a bit, several weeks IIRC.

As far as the 'how', people offer an explanation based on their beliefs, call it what suits you 'lucky' 'blessed' whatever.

The closest I'm going to get to offering advice, my first go round with sobriety, prompted by the urging of my 1st wife, it was either her or the booze, I chose her but I wasn't happy about it.

Actually I was probably what's classified as a 'dry drunk'. Needless to say that marriage didn't work out very well, but it did lead to my first real introduction to AA, which I am grateful for.

I do post fairly ofter in the F&F section, we codies-like alcoholics-do love to offer advice, even when it isn't asked for.

coop1

On a scale from 1-10? When I was drinking I guess it depended on who you asked.

My drinking crowd would have said 1 because they were just like me and wouldn't have wanted to lose a drinking buddy.

I would have said probably a 6-7 because I, after all, could control it if I had to. (yeah right)

My wife and kids would have said a 10 because I cared more about drinking than I did about them in their eyes.

My point is I don't think you can put a number on it. As far as a rock bottom..that is hard to say too. I didn't have a DUI, but that is because I sat in the house alot and got smashed. Didn't end up in jail because I wasn't a violent drunk. I think it is different for everyone depending on the situation.

As it has been said before, he has to want to not drink more than he wants to take a drink. Only he knows when that moment will be.

TwelveSteps

Not what I meant -- you are looking for a "quick answer" to gauge the progression of his alcoholism (on a scale of 1 to 10) and assess his chances for recovery. There is no quick answer to that. Everyone is unique and the timing and progression of every alcoholic's disease is unique.

If decide you want to continue a relationship with him you will need to let go of your own expectations and desire to predict the outcome of his disease (whether based on reading books, polling messages boards, etc.) or you are really setting both of you up for disappointment and failure.

GG

Ernie111

I would put myself at 7 or 8 and I was sinking fast. I put on a facade whilst I was working but every morning I turned up half drunk still relying on chewing gum to mask the smell. When i lost my job however I was drinking a litre of vodka a day sometimes more. I would wake up in the morning drink until I passed out, wake up and start all over again. I used to keep a bottle hidden in the toilet cistern, a bottle hidden under the bed so every time I left the room I could take a sip without my girlfriend seeing.
I tried many times to quit, sometimes i managed a day sometimes I managed a few weeks but sooner or later I would convince myself that I was cured and I could have "just one".
Finally I woke up one day in the same clothes I had passed out in the night before, with every part of my body aching and thought to myself if I carry on like this I will be dead in a year or two tops.

Today I am 5 months sober and pray I never go back to these dark days.

Pinkcuda

When I realized the answer I was looking for wasn't there. It didn't happen overnight either. It took several years of trying to obtain something I lost but could never find again. The answer wasn't in the Bourbon anymore. So naturally I switched to Vodka. It wasn't there either. The alcohol simply wasn't working and it seemed my best friend was letting me down. I just couldn't stop. The more I drank the more miserable I got. The more miserable I got, the more I drank.
Outwitted and overpowered by alcohol my life had become a wretched disgusting mess. I had a job. I had a home and a family a dog and a couple kids. None of which I really gave a **** about either. It just proves we don't have to lose material things to be an alcoholic. My life was a mess nonetheless. I actually did envy the care free life of a skid row bum a lot of times.

You said
Bottom is where we decide it should be. Many an alcoholic had died because they haven't been to jail, divorced, lost jobs, wrecked cars etc... all the while they were expecting this to happen. They assumed they hadn't reached their bottom because none of this happened yet. It's quite possible it never will either. I don't advise any alcoholic to wait for that day to come.

Our bottom goes as follows
"I can't drink anymore, I can't not drink either, I need help"

Nothing more!

MrDavid

I can honestly say -without reservation- that alcohol was my drug of choice, even though it never intended to be.

My immediate need at the time was to empty myself from the troubles of this life and alcohol became my vehicle of choice. There was, I guess, a void in my life that needed to be filled and alcohol not only filled in the cracks but also provided a means of escape as well.

Unfortunately...it came with a price, a price that has haunted me ever since. When the bottle turned on me, it did so quickly and without any remorse on its part. My life was catapulted into a downward spiral teetering on the edge of uncertainty as I faced this lurking suspicion that my life was about to take a turn for the worst, which it did.

That’s when I knew there was a problem and after many years searching for answers, I finally found an outlet that worked: Alcohol wasn’t the solution after all, even though it masqueraded around as one for so long. The solution could not be found in the bottom of a bottle but through the spiritual foundations found only in recovery programs.

This forum is a testimony to the life altering gifts of sobriety and anyone willing to test the waters of the sober life and enjoy its bounty can look no further than forums like this one. The testimonies found here and the principles of the AA program have become my vehicle for change and has provided me a spiritual antidote to the trials and tribulations of life one day at a time.

God willing...



God bless...

Supercrew

The worst thing that can happen when an alcoholic continues to drink is nothing.

I heard that somewhere on these boards and I honestly believe it, because without some sort of major consequence many alcoholics would never look for help, they will just continue drinking.

concernednurse

This is so interesting... after my bf and I had our, well multiple, conversations about this whole process and what we want out of it, I heard someone say the "turning point" is like circling the drain... the thought process of "I can't imagine my life with alcohol, and I can't imagine my life without it." I believe that that is where we both were, or are, to a degree. He isn't sure he can imagine life without alcohol, and isn't sure he can imagine life without me... and though Im not an alcoholic, I have chosen to give up drinking in support of him, and its not easy for me either! Especially where I can control it! But, a happy life, emphasis on happy, and LIFE, together completely outweighs my need to have a few beers at a party, or wedding, or red sox game, or "insert blank" that alcohol is consumed.
The addiction runs deep, and the pains run deeper... it is going to be a long journey, for both of us, maybe love will get us there, maybe it won't, but at least I can say I tried, and I tried with all the love I have to give.

Sugah

I can't say I know any alcoholic who quit before hitting a "10"--though we define "10" differently. A full-blown alcoholic need not lose anything material. The bottom is on the inside, and those on the outside often can't see it. Being a "little" alcoholic is, in my experience, like being a little pregnant or a little dead. Either we can control it consistently, or we can't. Either we can walk away from it on our own, or we can't.

There may be good reason to give up alcohol without being alcoholic, and a nonalcoholic can do that. Me? I was born a "10" -- never able to predict with any degree of accuracy what would happen once I picked up a drink (other than I would not want to stop there--and felt miserable if I had to). I have heard people I trust say that they crossed a line, had drank their way into alcoholism, and I believe them. It's just not my experience. So, I spent a good many years watching my material circumstance fluctuate and, finally, deteriorate, all the while being a full-blown alcoholic dying a little more each day inside until I was able to say "enough."

It's likely that those telling you to get out are saying, in effect, you can't know that a year, five years, ten years down the road, your alcoholic won't go back to drinking. He can't offer you assurance that he'll get and stay sober. I have never promised anyone I wouldn't drink again. I won't drink today. I have no plans to drink tomorrow. I do have plans to get up tomorrow and renew my commitment to stay sober. If I do that, I don't see me drinking tomorrow. When we say this is a "One Day at a Time" program (I'm AA, btw), it refers to our emotional life and our commitment to spiritual fitness. I can only live right now. I can't live in tomorrow or next week or next year. I can plan my actions, of course, but I can't plan the outcome of my action. Once I start doing the latter, I build up an expectation, and if that expectation isn't met, I'm on very shaky spiritual ground. Those who aren't accustomed to living that way find it curious, I'm sure.

I seem to have wandered a bit. Let me ask this: If you were somehow to learn that a year from now, he'd become unemployed, or test positive for some terminal illness, or die, would you still want to marry him? I know it's morbid, but I'm trying to say that without a crystal ball, without knowing what another human being beyond your control will decide to do tomorrow or the day after, you're stuck (we're all stuck) taking no action--because nothing is guaranteed. That doesn't mean living in fear and mistrust. It means living in the day, planning for tomorrow's actions, not tomorrow's outcome.

For the record, I'm alcoholic and so is my husband. We met when we were both a year sober, got married at 2 1/2 years sober, and have been married (sober) for almost six years.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

sailorjohn

If that were all it took, there would be no alcoholism, no addiction.

No one is suggesting you give up hope, but like Sugah mentioned, it's definitely not a good idea to base your life on it.

AWOL

In terms of the spectrum of alcoholism, my counsellor describes four stages, that helped me identify where I was. The stages of alcoholism are: craving, physical dependence, tolerance, and loss of control. The fifth stage is death and is a frequent companion to the fourth stage. When she told me I was on stage four, the decision to quit was easy. For a detailed description of each stage, try: The Four Stages of Alcoholism