Miela

Hey,

Some of you might remember me from around Christmas time.

So, back then I managed to stay off booze for less than a week ("yay" me - what a f**king loser). Sorry about my language but I'm just so goddamn angry with myself.

If you remember me, you may remember I'm a member of the medical profession in a small country with a big mouth so treatment is not an option. I cannot afford to lose my job - I HAVE to do this on my own, but don't know how.

I've gone from less than a full bottle of wine in that time, to a minimum of a full bottle.

I hate myself. I honestly wish I could end it all but know I can't because of my child (if I was gone, his only carer would be my abusive partner).

Can't do this anymore

Kjell

You can keep saying that you have to do this on your own and that treatment is not an option, but it's just not true.

Listen, I say this with kindess, but you're not the first professional (medical or not) to be an alcoholic. Nor will you be the last.

If you're an alcoholic, then you're one of millions.

Wanna get sober? Then you're going to need to surrender to ideas not of your own making.

Let some folks, who know how to get and stay sober, show you how.

You are worth sobriety in spite of your alcoholic ego.

Kjell

Stevie1

(((Miela))))

I came slinking back here last month, after a grand "yay me I'm sober" debut in November. Then drinking heavily for two months. You're not alone, that's for sure.

Can you do counseling?

emilie044

Hi Miela..

perhaps this website and other online meetings can help you. Becoming sober isn't easy but it helps to have support in person or online. Either way, I find that it comes down to you and the choices you make when you are faced with temptation. You are not a loser. 1 week is good, and when you reach two weeks that will be good as well. Being hard on yourself will not make quitting easier. It makes it harder. You deserve this and you can do it, despite the obstacles.

Reset

Can you see an addiction counselor or therapist? Don't they have to keep that information confidential?

Anna

Welcome back!

I wonder if you're too worried about what people will think. Alcoholism is a relentless and dreadful disease and it will kill you if you don't stop it. Personally, I know it's hard, but I think you should do whatever you need to do to get well.

SR is a great resource and there is always support here. You might want to check out AA or possibly in-patient treatment, if you could get some time off work.

Stevie1

I'll add...I know a pharmacist, quite high profile person, who recently got fired in a sting operation (the company set up hidden cameras) and charged; was in the news. That person has already found another job and is getting help.

I also know an ER physician who goes to AA, in a small city near where I live. That person does not appear to be negatively affected by this.

A private counselor cannot reveal any details about you, so that is a very viable option.

It is between hard and impossible for some of us to quit without help. You may be able to...in that case this site is a fantastic resource.

Miela

Thank you all.

Getting help is a possibility, but I know how tongues can wag over here (I'm quite 'high' up in my area of medicine - sorry, don't mean to sound big-headed, honestly I'm not).

Can I do it here, with your help? Or is that just putting too much responsibility on your heads? I DO need help.

smacked

What's the big deal if you're known for making the most positive important change that will save your life?

I remember the first AA meeting I went to, I pulled up to a spotlight right outside the church, and who pulls up next to me? A carload of my 'friends'. I proudly said I was going to AA, and that I had changed my life. I have never been ashamed of my recovery.. Course, I was never ashamed enough about my addictions/alcholism I suppose.

Better than being known as a town drunk, or carrying those unseen skeletons around anyways.

mtnmagic

Hi Meila. I remember you and I'm glad you are back. Boy do
I relate to you. Alcohol was kicking my a$$ over and over and over again.
I too wanted to die and despite all that I still wanted to put conditions
on my recovery. I can't believe I made things so hard on myself because
of my stupid pride and unbelievable fear.

You do not have to do this alone at all. SR is here 24/7.
All you need at this point is a desire to stop drinking and a willingness
to be teachable and understand there are millions who have gone before
us and nobody on this forum would try to steer us wrong in any way, shape
or form.

The title of your thread gives me hope for you. Maybe after you are done
being angry with yourself, you might see you are on the verge of surrendering to do things a different way. It's exactly where you need to be
even though I know it hurts like he!!.

Oh, I like your signature lines, Meila. Time to climb out of the water and do things differently!

Stevie1

I think there are plenty of people on this site who have stopped drinking/using without relying on f2f help. It's certainly possible.

Reset

Some people seem to have done it on their own. I think it's tougher but still possible.

People here will help you if they can; that I'm sure about.

Dee74

Hi again Miela

Have you considered what is likely to happen if you don't get help?

I was quite 'high up' in my profession too - I lost it all. I don;t wish that experience on anyone else.

Don't let your pride dictate to you, or stop you from seeking help.

D

Miela

Thanks all.

Am I making excuses instead of recovery? Honestly, I don't know. I've seen people lose their jobs for 'stupid' things after going 'private' about addictions.

I also don't know what to deal with first: the booze, my partner who abuses me (on ALL levels)... Which GOES first - the chicken or the egg

mtnmagic

Since you are in the medical profession, you probably are
used to helping others every single day in some capacity.

If a patient/client/person presented to you with exactly your
issues/symptoms what would you be inclined to advise them to do?
That might be a starting point in looking for direction from others?

Dee74

in my case Miela I drank over domestic problems too - and ended up with both chicken and egg, if you know what I'm saying.

I think the ideal outcome would be for you to remove yourself from both situations, yeah?

D

Stevie1

Toxic relationship: GOES.

Been there. Not ever healthy unless there's a realistic chance for change.

Anna

Miela,

I don't think one needs to go before the other.

Get out of your toxic relationship. It sounds like you have a good job, so leave, find a place on your own and take care of yourself. You deserve much better than that. No one should have to deal with abuse. Stop drinking today and know that we are here to offer support.

least

I hope you can find/get the help you need, especially getting away from the abuser. No way to live, I know that from experience.

ZZworldontheweb

Just to add to the general comments, you talk of being afraid of losing your job, but you stand an excellent chance of losing that anyway if you keep going down this road. Minimum of a bottle a night soon leads to needing some in the morning, which leads to needing some in the middle of the day, which leads to maybe being just a little impaired while driving or maybe stashing something to drink at your workplace. It's a very slippery slope.