Learn2Live

Yes, I understand this. I feel the same way. But I also struggle daily with feelings of insignificance. That I am unimportant. That everyone else knows better about everything than I do. I don't know where these feelings come from but thanks to SR I am now aware of them.

Around here we talk about three little steps toward personal change. They are:
Awareness,
Acceptance, and
Action

Right now, it seems, you are beginning to become Aware that there might be a problem. You are questioning your behavior and the choices you are making. This can be scary but it is good, believe me. It can also be pretty confusing. But the more you talk to people and hear them share about themselves, the more Aware you become of what you are doing and how you are thinking. And the more Aware you become, the more likely you will Accept what you need to Accept in order to make change.

You are off to a really good start. You seem to have an open mind. AA, or any 12-Step program really, and posting and reading here on SR, will help you develop Awareness of yourself. Please keep coming back. And think about sharing your concerns with a doctor, other medical professional, or therapist/counselor who you feel comfortable sharing with. You can also give AA a try. Go to a couple meetings around town and find one you feel comfortable with. You don't even have to say anything. You can just go and listen.

Thank you for sharing today. It is helping me get myself together.

Beebizzy

Zebra,

Excellent point. I never thought about it like that before, but it's true - those things weren't there to lose in the first place. I am not married, have no children, never learnt to drive and restrict my 'real' drinking to my home - all correct. And yes, I have lost opportunities and confidence and time. Jeeez. This is clicking.

GG,

It's not so much that I have stereotypes in terms of the sort of people - I am fully aware that alcoholism does not discriminate. I just did not realise before I read your post that what I am doing constitutes a valid reason to go to AA. I thought there had to be more 'trouble' around it first, or a 'bottom' had to be hit - something like that. Which is not very smart of me, it's true.

CarolD

From our Sticky post here in Alcoholism....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Some members do use those..some do not...the point is to find
something that is beneficial and going to improve your future..

Glad you are here...I sure hope you will win over alcohol.
many of us are doing that very thing...:.

Beebizzy

L2L,

Exactly. I feel like 'it doesn't matter' that I am living a 'sub-standard' life vs what it could be. And everyone else has 'real' problems whereas maybe I am just mucking around and just need to get my act together.

Cannot believe I would be helping anyone here... :-)

Beebizzy

Thanks Carol and everyone

IndyOG

Same thing happened to me and I'm a guy and i remember my legs going wobbly and I burst out in sobs like I've never done before. I relate this to finally surrendering.
Hi Beebizzy, I too drank alone the last 10 or so years. Somehow I had enough sense to not put myself in society where I could get arrested or do something stupid in public. I have found a few AA groups that I most feel comfortable and they are just like me. Way more similarities then differences. Take care.

Learn2Live

I was raised in an alcoholic home. From what I understand, the thinking and behavior of the alcoholic parent, and the dynamic created in the alcoholic home, affect the thinking and behavior of the children, into adulthood. I also have the disease of alcoholism. And I am codependent. I think like an alcoholic, act out like an alcoholic, and behave like an alcoholic, because I am an alcoholic. And I seek out alcoholics and drug addicts in my personal relationships, and try to rescue them. I have been on Sober Recovery now for a few years. And just this past week I have come to realize that I am a dry drunk. Right now, I am working on accepting that.

And your posts are helping me immensely. Thank you. I want to go to an AA meeting but I am not courageous enough to go yet. THIS is my meeting.

Your life, and the way you live it, DOES matter Beebizzy. Your problems are just as real and important as mine and everyone else's. Maybe you do need to get your act together; it sounds like you have already started

Stimmed

lol

Hi Bee :-)

Yeah i was like that so much and for years too. Although i continued to work and socialize, my drinking habit was an isolated one. I eneded up @ the bottom, no susprises. Was self pity too, which came from the drink as i was aware only too well that even tho i enjoyed getting absolutly obliterated, i was not happy shackeled to MY bottle. It did develop over a long time but it got to a stage where at the end of a social outing or towards the end, i would be just itching to split and get smashed!

Almost instantly id figure how much money i had with me, or what i had in the house (which always if any, very lttle whiskey) and make a B line to my fix bar nothing else. It eventualy led me to a place where id crack the bottle and take a few gulps until id feel pain in my throat, then id think that should do it. Pathetic. I didnt drink to be social, but to get the head change and as sad as it sounds to me now, it was all that mattered. Pathetic and very much wasteful part of my life that went on for a crazy 7yrs out of a 25yr drinking carreer.

Personaly i think that when one begins to isolate themselves with alcohol, things get gradualy worse in many aspects of their lives. And they did for me in a big way. I still had some friends and family close enough to help but i was too far gone. Long story short the company i worked for closed with no notice, i was devastated along with many others. I found myself, through my own doing, homeless for almost 6yrs, and that was just hideous and doesnt belong here. The point im trying to make with this is, i realise now that had i done something earlier about not just my drinking habit, but prevent its escolation due to isolation, i would certainly have been better equiped to deal with the major events which later unfolded.

Drinking alone (if abused) is not good at all. Being alone in this regular means you are less aware of whats going on in your life, you are on your own in your own LITTLE world. But as small as it is there are so many things that left unattended or not addressed fully get completely out of hand. Heh and when they come home... pfff i cant explain that part! Your crappey situation gets worse to say the least.

You clearly project you feel something is wrong and you're rite. So for anyone to avoid ANY kind of crappyness that i experience from drinking in isolation i would strongly suggest seeking help as the others here have mentioned, before the drink really takes hold of you.

To add a little... ive been on the wagon around 3yrs, homelesness really did knock me sideways and i have to draw positives from it, because to an extent it cured me and have only less than a handful of relapses that im proud of. The **** doesn't have to hit the fan Bee, get some help, and good luck with it :-)

Welcome to SR thier proper nice here :-)

Beebizzy

Wow L2L. See this makes me feel humbled. I was raised in a 'perfect' home.

Gosh it never occurred to me this would help anyone, certainly not 'experienced' people. Is this a bit what AA meetings are like then...?

I definitely need to get my act together.

Hi Stimmed,

You are so so so right - my life is so limited now and it all happened so very gradually. Unbelievable. Congrats on your 3 years.

wicked

Beebizzy,

I am a recovering alcoholic and what you have posted helps me tremendously.
sober for over 14 years.
And, yes, AA meetings are very much like this. People there will understand you.
If at all possible, you could attend a Newcomers Meeting. But it doesnt matter. Just go.
I was a lonely drunk too.
Very shy, reserved and completely cut off from the world. At first, I just listened but when I was comfortable I shared.
Meetings are for anyone who desire to quit drinking. Anyone.
Try it, you will like it.

Beth

Zebra1275

@Beebizzy

Zebra,

Excellent point. I never thought about it like that before, but it's true - those things weren't there to lose in the first place. I am not married, have no children, never learnt to drive and restrict my 'real' drinking to my home - all correct. And yes, I have lost opportunities and confidence and time. Jeeez. This is clicking.

I glad I may have helped. Sometimes it takes the viewpoint of another person to hit home. This is one of the main benefits of AA, you are with a group of people who understand what you are going through. And that group of people can share their experience, strength, and hope with you.

Pete55

I heard a old timer describe the disease of alcoholism as a "complete package",
it goes something like this,

"Physical alergy coupled to a mental obsession arising from emotional compulsion",
Then he say's;
"we cannot cure the physical craving, the mental obsession can be removed and the program of AA can fix the emotional compulsion to not drink again.
It is a physical, mental and spiritual disease, a "complete package".

When you go to a few AA meetings, I suggest to obtain a copy of the "big book" of AA or ask where you can obtain it. Most meetings where I'm at have a literature section, some don't. ( The fellowships gets it's name from the title of the book btw)
This is what I do to a newcomer as it was done to me after my first meeting, they showed me the first page before the title page inside the book, the page that is blank, then the recovered old timer said it is blank for a reason, the reason being, until I have read the book, or the first 164 pages including the chapter titled "The Doctors Opinion", I know nothing! I then obtained a meetings list and went to meetings, specificaly and willingly on my own the step study/workshops and "big book" study meetings. ( I needed meetings in my case because it was the only place where I could get back in touch with the human race and only felt safe drinking coffee at AA meetings!)

My life changed for the better, we identify with each other, that's the spiritual concept, and rememebr to take what you need and leave the rest behind when you go to meetings. The "fog" does go away as the alcohol in the body eliminates.
If you are female, stick with the females and find a sponsor, try this for the first 3 months, if you find it's not for you, that's ok, if it is, that's great. But from what you have written here on your first post, I cannot help it by saying I have gone through that phase and beyond. You have much time left it seems, for me AA was the last card in the pack, and it was the Ace!
Alcohol and alcoholism does not discriminate, it is as ruthless and paint-stripper and worse once it had me. It had no mercy on my soul.
Finaly, thank you very much for being here, we love the newcomer and their storys.

recoverywfaith

It is a very progressive disease. As a suggestion maybe do some reading from what has been posted about the programs that can help you and/or reading about the disease. Can not add to much - as so much has been posted already; only that I hope you find your way.

CarolD

Here is a good link about AA meetings

Your First AA Meeting<

There is no big mystery....AA can help anyone who
wants to try our way of life.

Just go to listen...you are missing out on an awesome adventure
if you don't at least go see for yourself....JMO

TwelveSteps

Yes.

GG

Stevie1

Yep!

Most of the meetings I've gone to so far, I don't share much except to say My name is xxxx, I'm an alcoholic, I am learning a lot from people here, thanks very much for being here, that's all I've got...because I am learning a lot by listening. The format works for me - people share, they don't give advice or tell anyone else what to do or how to think. I'm naturally oppositional and would not do well at all with that sort of attitude. I'd be arguing and out the door in a heartbeat.

When I have shared, it feels very good, people listen and it feels really safe to me. Feeling safe isn't something I had growing up so I value this a whole lot.