Beebizzy

Hi All,
I am new here but I have been lurking for a while.

I am hoping to find people who have, or have had, similar drinking patterns to me.

I drink vodka every evening and have done for about 17 years (I’m 37). I don’t know exactly how much because I’ve never measured it (but I will), but the amount has increased of course.

I live alone and drink alone – except when I go to my bf’s where we drink together (this is about once a week). It is all very ‘polite’, ritualised and contained. I never talk to anyone/answer the phone, leave the house, or ‘impose’ it on anyone else in any way. I’m not saying that makes it any better, I’m just trying to describe how it is because it is a completely different thing than public benders etc. I guess it’s closet drinking. There are ‘rules’ around it.

When I go out with colleagues I do not drink, or very little. This is no problem for me. When I go to my parents’ for a few days I do not drink – also not a problem. When I was sick for 3 weeks a few years ago I did not drink at all – no problem. BUT when I am here by myself of an evening I definitely do.
Reading around this forum and also the F&F pages, I am starting to realise that even though there are no immediate dramatic consequences, over time, gradually, all of this has changed who I am and my behaviour: I suffer from depression and I can’t shift it (chicken and egg thing with alcohol I think), I have isolated myself – I don’t want to see anyone or do things, I do not take care of things like I used to (I never buy clothes, I don’t clean my apartment as I should, I eat badly etc), I have a job but I have never been promoted in 12 years even though I am good (I used to be a ‘high achiever’ when I was younger), I don’t go on holidays – and so on.

I guess what I’m saying is that I never thought all of this could be the result of alcohol – but now I think maybe it could?

Any thoughts? Anyone experienced the same thing?

Thanks a lot.

Dee74

Hi Beebizzy

Although I drank socially and sometimes drank to excess in public, that kinda sounds like how I started drinking in earnest..

I came to prefer drinking alone because I didn't have to worry about 'how it looked'...and yeah if anything or anyone interrupted my evening plans, I got very annoyed...

I'm sure you'll find other people here who know what you mean - you'll find a lot od support here

Welcome to SR!
D

ste

Everybody is different, to a certain extent. The philosophical question comes to mind; Difference in kind, or difference in degree?

I think we all (no, 98%) here at SR share a concern, that we use too much for our own good. The older we get the worse it gets, its progressive.

Until recently I thought I was normal, so did my wife of eleven years. Now she makes good anologies about me and her first alcoholic husband.

When I drink alone, no problem, no "immediate dramatic consequences". Now I want to be more interactive with the people who used to keep me from my bottle of vodka. Its the right thing to do, the alternative is too depressing.

Lenina

Hi and welcome Beebizzy!

Yes, that's how drank mostly, only I drank white wine, not vodka. I isolated, didn't take care of myself but took great care keeping up "appearances." I was also very depressed. I've been sober now for over three years. I still have some depression but have learned better ways to cope.

AA helped me some, it's a good program, I think it's like a business plan for staying sober. Rational Recovery has helped me a great deal.

I went into a 30-day rehab program and am very glad I did. I think it gave me time to stabilize in a safe place. It gave me tools to stay sober. I also saw a therapist and a doctor to help me with the depression and sleep problems I have. Have you considered a plan? Today, we know a lot more about what I consider to be the disease of alcoholism. There's more programs for sobriety today. There's far less stigma.

You might want to talk to your doctor. Alcohol detox can be dangerous. Your doctor can best direct you through a safe and more physically comfortable detox. I needed more help staying sober. Today I am mostly peaceful.

I'm glad you've joined us here at SR! It's helped me a lot!

Love,

Lenina

least

I drank to medicate anxiety and depression but only made it ten times worse. It wasn't until I put the alcohol down for good that my mental problems became manageable and my meds could work as they should.

I also drank alone, isolating myself with my depressed feelings. I'm still very much a loner, living alone, but now I'm comfortable with myself and that makes all the difference. I like myself and have no desire to drink cause that would make me hate myself again... and I don't want to go back to those dark days.

Stevie1

Welcome, Bee!

I didn't start drinking this way, but once I realised how uncontrollable and horrible I could be when drinking around other people (not to mention driving drunk, etc) I started drinking alone after I separated from the man I was living with.

For the last several years very few people in my life, even close friends, have seen me drink. And I was drinking heavily to oblivion every night unless I had to be somewhere.

Alcoholism gets progressively worse, you can count on that. It is also a depressant...whether one drinks to "self-medicate" or whether long-term drinking causes depression almost become irrelevant at some point; you cannot manage the depression unless you quit drinking.

Long-term effects of alcohol - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Learn2Live

Yes, that was where I had gotten to also, after 10 years of social partying, I started isolating, drinking alone. Come home from work and first thing I do, open a beer. Drink till I pass out on the couch, then get up the next morning to go to work, come home and the cycle would begin again. For years. It's not healthy and you don't have to live that way. There is so much more to life than being drunk every night. I hope you seek out help for yourself so you can stop.

MsCooterBrown

It sneaks up on you that is for sure. By the time you question if you could be an alcoholic..you already are one. Rituals are what alot of people fall into to bullsh!t themselves into thinking they do not have a problem. My former in laws (yrs ago..they have since passed away) NEVER drank until after 5PM. At 5PM they would set up a bar. Complete with ice bucket. She always did a FULL tea glass size of white wine with a splash of 7UP. Said that was a spritzer..hahaha..yeah right. And he would do a whiskey straight up. And they kept em coming till bedtime. As the hours passed they would nit pick on each other getting in dig after dig.

I am sure everyone has their own ritual..their own internal dialog. Until it finally makes you sick. You surround yourself with other sick minded people and that justifies your actions. I got sick of myself. I lost people due to alcohol related cr@p. It was a major impact and I see no benefit to drinking any more. I did a pro and con list..the pro side was lies. I can relax without it and do not need it to socialize. All I am left with is cons. I am forever grateful for my sobriety!

Beebizzy

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies.

@Dee - yep, I get antsy when my bf calls me 'too late' in the evening because he 'interrupts'.

@ste - indeed, I am really starting to realise that addicts don't want less of something, they want more.

@Lenina - may I ask, was there something that pushed you to enter the re-hab program? I'm not asking you to say what it was, just wondering if there was something, because right now for me it feels somehow 'not bad enough', ya know? (And I know... 'yet'...). Things are 'manageable' now, definitely, it is just that I am existing rather than living. And the difference between the person I used to be and the life I used to have vs. now is hitting me. Plus I am definitely worried sick what this is doing to my health. And of course it is a complete waste of time and money, and I want my life to be different. To say nothing of the fact that I don't seek out my friends any more (the opposite - I panic if I am invited to something) or do anything, no matter how small.

I am seeing a counsellor for the above but STUPIDLY I have not told her I drink - well, I have but I have glossed over it. I do not have a plan because I have literally only just realised that all of this might boil down to one thing - booze. Where could I find out more about RR?

@least - I hear ya. I have no problem being alone - but these days it is not a choice any more. I freak out when people want me to do things with them (and so they have stopped asking of course). I've been hospitalised for depression 4 times many years ago, had ECT, taken many anti-depressants - but nothing for a long while now. I have thought of going to the doctor, but you know what? As you say, meds will not work properly if I am drinking (I don't think they ever have).

Thanks again for reading me.

Bamboozle

Please be 100% honest with your counselor.

I would not be where I am right now if I had lied or omitted the truth. I've been sober now for a while and I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I am a functioning member of society--and I feel okay.


Most of my drinking was solitary. I shut myself in and nearly everyone else out. I lost a good friend because of my actions.

Beebizzy

Wow more kind replies came in when I was writing my last post!

@Stevie - exactly - oblivion (well almost). I've woken up on the sofa - and found the furniture completely re-arranged (and it wasn't my cats :-)). Told myself, and others, that maybe I sleepwalk - yeah right. And I fully agree: depression vs alcoholism, at a certain point interchangeable.

@L2L - I'm not sure where to go for the help. GP? AA seems... too dramatic for such 'polite' drinking...? Idk...

@MsCB - LOL @ yr former in laws :-) And yet - I am them. And yes - my bf drinks, a lot more since he met me. I am worried sick about him, I feel like I caused it. He is 'arrogant' when he drinks and imagines it has no effect on him - as a result, he has sent dumb emails and made dumb phone calls and done dumb things. But I cannot do anything as I am no better (just better behaved).

Beebizzy

Bamboozle - I know, I know... you are right.

Lenina

Bizzy,

I thought I was going to die and I didn't want to hurt all the people I love that loved me by dying a really stupid, awful death. So, I called my doctor who directed me to the ER where I was checked in. Everyone was really kind to me. I remember I couldn't stop crying. After some time, I was sent upstairs to the chemical dependency unit.

I was so overwhelmed with shame. But it was the best thing I could have done. I had the time and space to focus on getting well. It was a lot of hard work and many times I had my doubts about my ability to stay sober. But I stayed honest with my peers and the counselors and got lots of good advice and help. I am very grateful.

If you can manage it, I really recommend inpatient. My mood swings were all over the place! I'm glad I had support to get it all sorted out. And I was in a safe place! I didn't have to worry about daily stuff. All I had to do was what they told me to do, LOL! And I did! And to my great surprise, it worked!

I hope this helps you!

Love,

Lenina

CarolD

I know a whole lot of bartenders in D.C. that wished I would
have been a stay at home drinker...

When my doctor diagnosed me with situational depression
he suggested I abstain and connect to AA.

I've been doing that for years.depression lifted rather quickly
with no meds required...this may or may not be true for you.

My drinking had nothing to do with anything external.
I had all the ouward signs of success ..mentally
I had come to detest the drinking me.


Welcome to our recovery community....

Pete55

Welcome,

To identify, I drank for 35 years and during this "career" I have had similar phases as you have described.

Since arriving to AA and reading alot of AA books and some medical literature,
the obvious appeared to me, what I missed as clues to my drinking, it never got better, it progresively got worse but so subtle.

This is the delusional factor with the diease of alcoholism, I "thought" I will one day master the art of drinking by more drinking and building a tolerance to my behavior!

This mind-set was part of our cultural upbringing to. As I aged, the body's metabolism as far as alcohol was concerned, was changing.
In my last days of drinking ( 2007, last drink 2008), I had become similar what you have described, a "closet drinker" and I noticed also that it took less alcohol, or my tolerance to alcohol started to become noticably differant than what I remember it used to be during my younger years.

Then the crunch came, we went out for a day, not to drink, but to catch up on some friends of a friend, people I had never met.
We were "social" drinking and I crossed that invisble line, so subtle, here one minute, gone the next. That one friend I went out with that day no longer is with me.
She phoned me up, said she loved me, but had to let me go due to the humiliation and most of all her parents and other members of family demanded and explanation.

In other words, that phase I identify you are going through now, I have experienced it, but it was also a blessing because that is when I rang AA and found out the truth from another recovered alcoholic. Similar experiences have happened to many I have liestened and spoken with.

It is mainly what happens in regards to alcohol where we are similar, but the actions of friends and family may differ from person to person, in my case all bridges were obliterated.

So I would suggest, look into your own case a little further, find out exactly what is happening when you consume alcohol by going to several or more AA meetings.
Non alcoholics may not identify even if they are (with all due respect) doctors, because the effect on the real alcoholic, ( syptoms of an "alergy" and mental obsession) seem to be best understood from one alchie to another.

I put the drink down,the new friends in my home group of AA help me to learn to live without the drink as they have learnt, this is the gift of sobriety freely on offer.

bellakeller

I hate to tell you this but your story isn't original among many I've met in AA. In fact, I believe the only reason folks like you get to find sobriety is because recovery programs exist and you get to bypass the more dramatic, devastating, hellish consequences of drinking.

Your life right now with alcohol in it doesn't sound like much fun or meaningful to me. I know my life with alcohol in it just downright sucked socks and as the years went by my world just kept getting smaller and smaller. Alcohol forced me into being so rigid about so much. A program like AA can help you be sober much easier than doing it all on your own.

Keep comin' back.

Much love.

Beebizzy

I think I am worried that folks in AA would think I am a 'lightweight' compared to what they are going through, you know? That's exactly it - things aren't fun, but they're not hellish either. I'm not sure if all of the above is enough of a reason to go. And let's face it - it's not like I've even tried yet to stop by myself.

Thanks for all the comments everyone - I'm taking it all in.

Danae

Hi Beebizzy,

Welcome! Your story sounds all too familiar to me! I didn't tell my long-time counselor/therapist either. Finally I fessed up to another Dr, who still thought I might be able to moderate. I came to my own conclusion eventually that I was an alcoholic and wouldn't be able to moderate, happily, ever.

I too could go without if I were sick, or only have 2 if I were out with friends. But I always wanted more, and felt I owed it to myself and could "make up for it" with increased intake on another day. I stopped answering the phone at night so people wouldn't know.

So I'd say AA is NOT too dramatic for such polite drinking. Not at all. I'm still sitting in and listening, not yet a regular, but there are really no requirements other than a desire to stop drinking, which it seems you have. You can be a bit of a "lightweight", but still benefit from support in quitting. Use any and all support that works for you.

This can be a really interesting journey, if you let it. It can be about a lot more than just not drinking. That is the good news.

And, finally, just wanted to say how much better you can feel if you give it up altogether. My depression isn't gone (it existed before the drinking) but it is so much better. When I'm happy now (in small doses) it is a whole different (brighter) sort of happy than before.

Glad you found SR

Zebra1275

Welcome.

I would encourage you to try AA, you are isolating yourself and you are not going to get better by yourself. And you are not a light weight when it comes to drinking. You have been drinking vodka virtually everynight for 17 years!?!

It's true that many people in AA have lost a lot, you apparently haven't . . . YET. It sounds like you are not married, have no children, never drive after drinking and never drink outside your home. So you conclude that you haven't lost much. But in reality, you have already lost a lot. It sounds like you have lost opportunities and time. And it is inevitable that you will lose your health.

TwelveSteps

Drinking vodka every night to the point that it concerns you is not "lightweight." My drinking patterns were almost identical to yours except I used wine instead of vodka. I STRONGLY encourage you to attend an AA meeting (preferably a women's meeting -- call the hotline and ask where to find one). I think it will really help bust your stereotypes about what "sort" of person is an alcoholic. Most women I know through AA had pretty much exactly your same patterns/lifetime, and most were lucky enough to stop before their lives got to the "hellish" part.

GG