Chelle3

Hi all, I'm wandering over here from the F&F side, trying to gain some understanding of my AH. He is not in recovery, and is high functioning. He is able to easliy solve problems that don't involve him whether it be at work or with the children.

However, when it involves him, such as unresolved conflict with a parent, disagreement with his business partner or marital issues he is unable to solve the problem. He holds onto the anger for yrs, goes over the problem repeatedly in his head, sometimes daily for yrs, but never ACTS on it.

He had a nervous breakdown in Oct 2010. At that time he felt a lot of anger at me and wanted a divorce, possibly. He's in therapy, but as far as I can tell there are no issues being resolved. He still hasn't decided if he wants a divorce. We are no longer together as a couple as I refuse to be with a man who may not want to be with me, but we are still living in the same house.

I'm in the house still because I'm waiting to see what he will decide. A sliver of me still has hope, but I feel like I'm hanging on to a lost cause.

Is there something in an active drinker that keeps them from resolving issues that are personal to them? I don't want to wait around forever.

Thanks for any insight,
Chelle

SASA

IMHO: as long as you stay with him, he will not decide anything, why would he, he has you on your knees waiting for his decision. No reason for him to change.

smacked

Yeah, active drinking.

As long as he continues to drink, and doesn't deal with his life, he will be completely unable to resolve pretty much any past or current 'issue'.

Enoy

I think you will find it's one of the biggest problems with all Alcoholics .... Resentment.


It's actually one of the more important steps in not only forgiving others for past hurt and pain , but also forgiving ourselves and making amends for the things we did.

Many times Resentment is genuine and many times it's a thing of guilt and it's easier for us to drink and blame the other while holding onto that anger than admit our own part in that problem.

I'm no expert, but that's the one thing I know pushed alot of my drinking and the one thing that really came out the most when I was drinking. My Ex-GF and I would argue and fight over something , and somehow I could tie that single issue back into the past 4 years of things she'd done or said to hurt me.

I think in my mind it was my way of justifying my own actions. " How Dare you get upset with me over this after you did X-X-X-X and XYZ+ABC to ME "

Just a thought on one of the things I learned my first time through AA 8 years ago , and something I'm being reminded of in my past month of going through it again.

Fandy

I think you are being VERY kind...if he can't make up his mind about whether he wants to be married or get divorced why can't he move himself out of the house and let you have peace.

it sounds like he doesn't want YOU to move forward just because he wants control. it's so ridicules that he expects to live with you when you aren't actually in a relationship. Maybe he is just too comfortable? Do you still take care of his day to day needs? (house stuff, laundry, groceries, cleaning)?

I face my problems and react much more rationally than when i was drinking. i no longer procrastinate. I would never expect anyone to wait around for 5-6 months while I toyed with their life.,

Chelle3

Thank-you for all your honest and kind answers. I'm working on step 4 myself and even borrowed some resentment and fear worksheets from an AA web site. They really helped me to see my responsibility in this.

My husband has huge resentment issues. I see him as a giant vase stuffed full of papers of resentment.

I needed to know if alcoholics could actually solve personal problems. Having not been one myself, I have no idea how the disease affects their thinking. I wanted to consider all sides before I made a decision to ask him to leave.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'd love to hear others too.
Chelle

Chelle3

I do still take care of most things. He does his laundry and errands now.

I was a stay at home mom who also worked for him 15 hrs/week without pay.

I'm happy to say I quit being a slave and got a good job that I begin Mar1 that will support me and my 2 girls.

Fandy

I wouldn't even do that....perhaps send him a bill for the 15 hours your worked weekly for however many years.

he is insulting your relationship. Yes, I deal with my problems, yes i take care of myself, yes I pay all my bills and when i screw up there is no one to blame except me.

He can take his resentments right out the door with him, along with his "high functioning" self.

smacked

I guess I don't get why you would think he'd do anything besides what he's doing, when he's actively continuing to drink? He has it made, and has you right where he wants you. He has every right to drink into oblivion, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.. you're expecting blood out of a turnip, hun. You, on the other hand, can decide that isn't what you want for your one precious life, and make some changes. It's silly to expect an active alcoholic to behave thoughtfully, appropriately and with awesome problem solving skills.

Chelle3

Thanks you all, I think I'm having a problem with denial and gullibility (gullible to believe that if I wait around long enough the therapy will change him even though he still drinks). When I write that down I know it's not possible.

bcboy

Like others have said above as long as he is active and drinking then nothing will change and he will never be able to deal with whats keeping him and bottle so close.

When I was drinking I was a raging internal nuke of resentment and regret. Only now being sober have I let go of what I was holding onto.

Remember you are not responsible for his happiness and he is not responsible for yours. It is up to you what you want in this life.

ANEWAUGUST

There is an expression that came to my mind when reading this thread..

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

He is actively drinking, therefore nothing changes.

His therapy, well, is his therapy. It isn't marriage counseling, or even couples counseling. It is all about him, and that is the way it is with active alcoholics.

Just as the alcoholic is in denial when actively drinking, sadly, our loved ones can be too.

Just as the alcoholic romances the drink, our loved ones romance the thought of what could be if the alcoholic stops drinking.

The alcoholic and the loved ones live in a suspended state of denial and wishful thinking. If he didn't drink, if she didn't bug me...etc.

Only you can choose when you have had enough and allow him to find his way to recovery or not.

From what you have shared on these boards, you seem like a caring, loving woman who deserves to love and care for herself, rather then even second guess being with someone who isn't sure they want all that you have to offer. Don't sell yourself short waiting for someone who does nothing to deserve your loyalty.

LexieCat

Yup, we're pretty useless in the problem-solving department while we're drinking. I remember feeling so totally OVERWHELMED by everything. Like I was in a spin cycle that never ended.

There IS hope for someone committed to sobriety and working a program. We don't get better overnight, but we do make progress. HOWEVER, someone who continues to drink will not get over anything, and I don't care what kind of therapy he's in.

Glad you are taking some steps to support yourself and your kids.

CarolD

All my best to you and your girls as you move
into a new life of peace....

ZZworldontheweb

This is probably a pretty foolish question, but does he know you know that he drinks? Or does he think he's fooling you?

Your husband just sounds very similar to the way I was. High-functioning, good earner, but a total basket case at home. I used booze to deal with stress. I knew I was probably drinking alcoholically, but I didn't know how to stop. I was definitely cruising down the path toward joblessness and homelessness and divorce.

In my case, when my wife found out how much I was drinking and confronted me and demanded that I go to the doctor, that was what started me down the road to getting better. It all depends on whether or not he knows he has a problem.
May or may not apply with you. God bless.

Eddiebuckle

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, if he's like me he will drink until he is utterly alone and comes to realize that he hates his own company.

Chelle3

Yes, he's very open about his drinking, almost proud of it. I told him I wanted a divorce after he verbally abused me in front of our 16 yr old daughter. He had 18 beers that night, and so no issue with doing so in front of her.

On a typical day he drink 6-8 beers/night.

I rarely nag about drinking, but after the incident with my daughter I told him he needed to get treatment, and if he didn't I would have to leave. He immediately chose the beer. He's VERY angry at me for thinking treatment is the only option to saving our marriage.

ZZworldontheweb

Saving your marriage? Heck, he needs to think about saving his life. If he's drinking that much, his health is going to start to fail. If he gets regular checkups, his doc is going to start nagging him about his liver panels.

I probably should follow the party line here and advise you to move out, but I can't help seeing his parallels to me. I talked crap to my wife, just awful mean stuff, stuff I would NEVER say now. It really was the booze talking and not me. God, am I lucky she's got a forgiving character. I just can't help but hope there is a sweet loving guy under there. Sounds like a schmaltzy fairy tale, but it really can happen.

But it's so true that there's nothing you can do until he gets sufficiently horrified. Maybe the best thing for him would be to suffer a little brush with the law or something.

Chelle3

He's very medically knowledgeable. We've been married for 18 yrs. He had liver functions drawn 5 yrs ago and they were somehow normal. He has the beer belly now, but I think he did then too.

He went to a doctor when he had his breakdown. She's an internal medicine doctor. She sat there and counseled him for hours for several weeks in a row and never drew any labs!!! I was sooo pi**ed.

We've talked about the health issues and how hard it is to watch him slowly commit suicide, but there's no effect.

hps

Resolving emotional issues often means taking emotional pain (for example, ending a relationship). And alcohol can be used to numb the emotional pain- I know I used it that way. There's a good book "Drinking, a Love Story" that looks at this in detail.

You would like some oracle to tell you whether your husband will resolve his issues within a set timeframe. There is no oracle. Consider if, a month after you end things, your husband finds sobriety, resolves his issues, wants you back- could you handle this situation, or would you be filled with guilt? You need to be in a place of serenity, such that you are somehow ok, whatever he does or not do. You can't control him, but you can control yourself...