hope51

I just can't quit drinking. I came to this site for a bit in November, and found great strength and comfort from everyone, much more than I imagined. But I just can't stop. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I'm a big problem drinker and binge drinker. To me, it doesn't seem much different, and the biggest thing is that I am damaging my life and my psyche and self-worth every time I drink, so it doesn't matter how I define myself. I hate myself after I drink. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and worried. I just made a list of pros and cons. There were two pros--relaxing, and having fun with friends. There were many cons. It's so black and white but it's near impossible to stop. I can't take beating myself up anymore. I can't take hating myself anymore. There are so many things I want to get out of life and I'm missing out because of this damn drinking!!! When am I going to learn? I feel so angry and upset and I don't know what to do! I'm seeing my therapist on March 1st. I'm going to be honest with her about my drinking, and hope that being accountable to her is going to help me. I haven't seen her in a few months, but I'm going to make regular appointments for awhile, as long as I need her support to keep me sober. I'm thinking of giving up alcohol for Lent. I always give up something, but have never been able to give up alcohol. There's always an excuse--I don't want to not drink for my sister's birthday, or St. Patty's Day, or come on, I'm not an alcoholic so why am I being so dramatic about it? Lighten up on myself. I always find excuses. Excuses to do something that makes me hate myself. I should love myself, we all should! God wants me to, and I don't. I stop myself from getting there.

ReadyAndAble

Only you can say whether you're an alcoholic. I've heard one of the tests is if you know alcohol is damaging your life, yet keep drinking despite the consequences.

That doesn't sound relaxing or fun. It sounds as hellish as my experience with alcohol. I had some laughs when drinking for sure, but most of the time it was more about drinking than being with my friends. Two months after quitting, I feel more relaxed, free, and hopeful than I ever did drinking. And even mornings are fun now.

Jabbadabutt

IMO- it really doesn't matter what you want to call yourself but you seem to be at a point that you accepted the fact that alcohol and you do not mix. That is all you need to get started. It appears that you are at a very oportune time in your head to seek help and I suggest seeing an alcohol conselor sooner than later (I procrastinated for years sucessfully...) and be totally honest....and let it go from there.

You said you hate yourself because of what drinking does to your qulity of life.....so whatever you want to call yourself (alcoholic or not) you have accepted that it is a problem. I you want to change you absolutley need to eliminate that problem in order to repair the collateral damage it has done to you. Eliminate it from your life for a good amount of time and you will see how bad things really were (you absolutly have to get away from it in order to sart thinking differently about life - and how you deal with stress and social anxiety, etc).

You think seeing a therapist will keep you sober by being accountable to her......you need to remain accountable to youself in order to really be good at this. "Reporting" to a therapist certainly helps keeping sober but if you do not 'do the work' to figure stuff out....you are walking on glass.

hope51

[QUOTE=Jabbadabutt;2869445] I suggest seeing an alcohol conselor sooner than later (I procrastinated for years sucessfully...) and be totally honest....and let it go from there. QUOTE]

I didn't know there was such a thing as an alcohol counselor. That sounds like a good idea. How did you find yours?

AmericanGirl

Hi Hope. Glad to see you back here. I think it's great that you're going to see a counselor. That really helped me too.

Honestly, those two pros were probably the last things I considered pros too--until even they weren't pros anymore, because drinking wasn't even fun with friends 90% of the time anymore, and any relaxation I had while drinking was paid for 10 times over with anxiety around it. So, I don't know if you ever feel those things, but for me, that's how it started to get before I finally quit . . .there were no longer any pros.

Jughead

"Just for today."

"Today I have a choice." have always helped me.

Jabbadabutt

I used google and put in my location and alcohol and drug conselor....whammo. I wanted a guy.....cause I am one last time I checked....and I was so glad to find out (basically in the first 10 minutes) that he has been in recovery for 20 years -- and I got lucky as I felt comfortable talking and listening......which is AS important as talking. They will NOT fix you....but they can help you fix yourself. If you think you are ready to talk to one, do not wait, I called and was lucky that I got in within 2 days....before I had time to let my sickness reason with me and talk me out of it.

rws177

I know for me not drinking is the biggest battle in my life. Without my sobriety I will have nothing....

CarolD

welcome back to SR....

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
and depression was daily.....that's when I quit.

hope this is your turn around point...you too can win over alcohol

Danae

Hi Hope,

Welcome back to SR!

I was struck by the fact that you said you don't think you are an alcoholic, yet you can't stop drinking. I agree that you are the only one who can decide you are an alcoholic, but maybe you need to look at how you define the term.

I make a point of that because therapists, if they don't have a lot of experience with alcoholism and you don't present yourself as an alcoholic, may waste time trying to work with you on moderation, or looking at issues that are "making" you drink, rather than getting to the point. That is my own experience.

I agree that finding a specialist who understands alcohol issues would be helpful. Sounds like you need someone to help you address this and take it seriously.

When you say you can't stop I identify. For me it was a horrible feeling. I'm so much happier now that I don't drink at all. But it took me a lot of support to get where I am--SR has been a big part of that.

Good luck, and keep posting

D

doggonecarl

Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, March 9, 2011.

Don't wait that long. Setting a date never worked for me, and from what you say, its just an excuse to keep drinking because the date is sometime off in the future and never RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

Quit thinking, start doing. Just stop! Don't pick up that next drink, no matter what, and follow through with getting some support.

Good luck.

Danae

Giving up drinking for short periods of time, like Lent, never worked for me.

I think it is because I hadn't admitted I could never drink again, or what drinking was costing me.

Once I really saw how it was destroying me, the only thing to do was take drinking at all, ever, off the table.

Oddly, it is a huge relief, and for me much easier than giving it up for short periods of time.

D

hope51

When I say I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I'm using the term in the physical sense. I don't drink everyday, have never taken a drink in the morning or had the shakes or gone through withdrawal. I drink out of boredom and insecurity mostly. I'm making myself miserable. I have depression to begin with, and this makes it worse. Today it's really bad. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm on the verge of tears most of the day because I despise myself so much. I want to lay down and be alone for days. I want to hide from everyone. I guess my hope was that with giving up drinking for Lent (starting from today though, not Ash Weds) is that I do stick to my Lenten sacrifices because I feel bound to them. I should bind myself to not drinking for myself, not for a religious reason I know, but I guess I don't value my own opinions or wants enough. Ugh.

sailorjohn

Unless she's going to lock you up and away from alcohol, her support won't keep you sober, it won't even get you sober.

What might help.

Stop drinking. Today. Get back on your computer, look up a listing for a local AA meeting, and listen to what they have to say there.

Recovering alcoholics, many of whom were in the exact same place you are now but have one thing that you admittedly do not.

Good luck.

Jabbadabutt

whatever your reasons to not drink is certainly better than having no reasons and saying 'screw it'.

Putting one foot in front of the other will get you to where you want to go.

TwelveSteps

[QUOTE=hope51;2869470] If you happen to have Kaiser, they have one of the best chemical dependency programs out there, I would definitely call them and ask about available services (which are usually free or at minimal cost for members).

GG

iloveme

Goodluck to you!

hope51

I have an appointment with an alcohol counselor. The soonest they could see me is next Thursday which sucks. This is not going to be an easy weekend.

Brucel

Welcome back! I heard, a person who has lost the ability to control their drinking, could well have crossed the line to alcoholism. Be honest about your personal situation and make a decision. If you want to stop, and can't, then you might well have it. If you do have it, there is help. AA worked for me. There are many avenues to recovery, but failing to make that decision is the rockiest road of all. God Bless.

Kmber2010

All the best with your appt Hope. Let us know how you make out.

Glad you are here.