sleepie

I promised myself recently that I am not going to take anymore s*** from anyone. I see now how because others hurt me in ways nobody can understand- I am an easy mark for evil, selfish, manipulative people. They prey on people who are alone, like me. Knowing is half the battle. When I think of the deplorable things that have been done to me by certain individuals- I shudder. And I think, "I deserve better". And I am so happy for myself that I am an honest individual with integrity- something many are lacking. I give myself credit for that. And I am not shallow, and I have a wealth of very hard earned knowledge that I am no longer giving away. From now on, people can impress me for a change. There is a lot going on in my life lately, that is very personal and very sad. As I have adopted a new philosophy of "me first"- showing myself compassion and acceptance for once in my life- I am no longer going to do anything that does not benefit me. I matter. My feelings are worthy of respect and I deserve kindness. I am a decent person with a LOT to offer. And I'm not giving it away anymore.

BullDog777

this is the most healthy i've ever read from you. this is the raw, uncompromising attitude that got me through alot of my early sobriety....and still does in large part. i'm so glad you're doing this. i'm so glad you are puting yourself first and doing so with an iron fist. you NEED and should be first. that's a fighter's attitude and i'm impressed.

sleepie

I have had no choice but to fight my entire life, Bulldog- at the cost of the person I was truly meant to be. I wonder sometimes if I will ever know what it's like to trust, be happy, feel vulnerable and be reassured- and then I know better. Life is a fight. So there is no choice.

wes1

I'm sorry about your hurt. I find more peace, hope, and fulfillment when living the "I am second" philosphy.

sleepie

I was last and used for too many years wes. It's MY time. Different strokes for different folks. Best to you.

BullDog777

i think about that sometimes myself. what kind of person would i be if i hadn't had to fight my entire life for what's mine.

in that split second, i pause and let it go because that's not my reality. some people are born rich and loved...i wasn't.

but then i think that there are greater tragedies in this world, so i don't allow myself to wander in thinking that let's me pity myself.. all i can do is make sure i am the best version of myself i can be. however guarded it has to be at times.

you continue to make sure you're first Sleepie. you've done enough for others for awhile..it's time to take care of you.

sleepie

Some wouldn't wish my life on their worst enemy. I know I've had a raw deal. It's inarguable. Damaged, systematically- from the get go. "Suck it up" and "others have it worse" were the mantras of my abusers. So I do allow myself the sorry that I would feel for any other being who has been through such things. It's called empathy- very different from pity. And I won't be giving my shoulder to others to cry on anymore, either. Because people will rape me over and over for what I have to give. Because I have been hurt, and nobody ever cared. Because it did kill a part of me that I will mourn and miss forever. But don't you dare throw the "P" (pity) word at me... This is hard earned, undeniably real, raw to the bone, true life experience. I will not have it denigrated as anything less. I lived it. I am living it. And now I am going for a short walk and a look at the beautiful winter moon that so many miss because they are inside whining about the cold... that isn't really very cold at all.

ZZworldontheweb

We care. Not much, but not quite nobody either ;-). Maybe a change of attitude is just what you need.

I still detect a bit of a soft sweet center under that new tough exterior! It's nice.

MrDavid

Take it one day at a time...as always.

This too shall pass...we can testify to that.

~God Bless~

BullDog777

nobody threw the pity word at you. i wrote what i wrote based on MY experience, FOR ME..on how I view MY situation... not yours.

maybe you ought to stop assuming that everything people write to you is directed AT you. sometimes people are just trying to relate to you, but i won't make that mistake again. SHEESH!

sleepie

What a GREAT walk! The moon is as clear and sharp as ever. I started the thread, so pardon me if I thought you were addressing me directly. Of course I'd like to hear your thoughts. I am as prone to misunderstandings as anyone as far as that goes. And understanding enough to say "Sorry!"- towards myself as well as you BD.

ReadyAndAble

Good stuff, Sleepie. Personally, I like the badass attitude!

sleepie

And, thank GAWD for the "ignore" button". I've noticed that those who most enjoy jumping in on topics they have shared nothing about (likely because they are ignorant on the subject)- enjoy indulging in long, tired, self interested ramblings having very little to do with anything outside of their realm of interests. And I am so very happy that I can press a key and be done with them.

Rewired

Hi Sleepie.

I have been reading your posts for awhile and find them very interesting. I hope that you are doing well. I didn't have the past you had and certainly can't understand it but I have had the pleasure of feeling that everyone was against me and/or using me. Right now I don't worry about what people think about me if they don't like me I am fine. I just try to treat people how I would like to be treated with kindness and respect. With that being said I wish you the best.

IndyOG

You have a lot on your plate! Let it out! Writing is very therapeutic. I mentioned in a meeting once that I was under so much pressure and everyone was demanding of me and I felt like I was going to explode. A regular member with 15 or so years told me I was whining! WTF!?!