SomeoneNotMe

Hi all...

I am a first time post, and unlike what appears to be a fair majority here, I was also not a lurker here before posting.

I have been an alcoholic for about 6 years, and have recently decided that it might be cathartic to find a place to talk about some of my experiences. I think that some of my friends might suspect my alcoholism, but for the most part they either: a) don't realize it, or b) think it's passed.

I started drinking in high school. I suppose it sounds strange given the age I was, but it was very casually. In college, I continued the same approach while others around me got just totally trashed. Eventually - probably my second year - I "gave in" I guess and just let go. I started binge drinking heavily and with dangerous amounts. That same activity continued and got worse - off and on depending upon where I was with my depression. I binge drink - at my worst, it got to the point that I am on one day and off the next. Sometimes, in present day, I'm still there. When I binge drink, I go nuts. Black-out drunk. Belligerent. The saving grace - only in my mind, of course - is that I don't do anything even dumber than what I'm already doing, such as drive or get violent etc. But at the end of the day, I'm doing horrible things to myself, and I have been for a long time.

Little things set me off. I've often found myself not wanting to drink, but doing so anyways. And if that isn't alcoholism, I have no idea what is. I'll have no intention to drink, then something random and inconsequential in the greater picture would happen...stuff that a normal person would shrug off or not even make extensive note of...and all of the sudden I'm ready to get trashed. Thanfully, for my bodie's sake as it doesn't need any more abuse, I usually have myself off limits after one of these nights and I feel like **** and pretty much am miserable trying to recover the next day. But the day after I'm right back on the horse - or off of it I guess.

I've had months of sobriety, but nothing too extensive. I've also had times of "normalness" I guess...more regular-person drinking for months at a time, but then I'll slip back into this hell. It's not fun. I don't like it. But I do. And I keep going.

It's theraputic to tell someone...anyone that might read...about this. It's a constant struggle, and I'm not convinced that mentally I've hit the bottom and am ready to quit, but I think this is a big step! Thanks for reading. I'll see you guys and girls in the future maybe.

Dee74

Welcome SomeoneNotMe

I wish I had chosen to look at my drinking at a young age

This is a great place for people who want to quit. You'll find a lot of support here

D

ZZworldontheweb

Keep coming back. I think you'll find that many, many people drink because little things set them off. We learn to deal with them.

ReadyAndAble

Welcome to SR! Hope you post again and read more about other folks' experiences, whatever you decide. These forums give me a lot to think about every day.

UniqueNewYork

I can relate to your story so well that it actually opened memories I had tucked away of black out drinking. I really can't stand that cycle.. get trashed, hung over, pray you never do it again, forget how bad it was, repeat

SomeoneNotMe

Thank you everyone.

Thank you for sharing this. I knew I wasn't alone. But it's nice to know I'm not alone, if you know what I mean!

The same goes for the 'little things' part. So hard to break this cycle. Theraputic for sure. I'm glad I shared an plan on coming back.

Antiderivative

I heard a story tonight about a man who had 15 years and picked up because there were no chips at the BBQ that he attended. The person telling the story asked, "Can you believe that?!" I sort of (uncomfortably) laughed in complete and utter disbelief. The part that made me uncomfortable and incredulous is that I found myself relating. I knew that I am capable of doing something similar. I might not have picked up, but I am capable of "being offended" at something as innocuous as attending a BBQ with no chips.

Most of the time I would be grateful and happy to attend a BBQ, but occasionally I can allow myself to be insulted over stupid and inane crap. For briefs moments of time, I view the world in an very insane manner. Most of the time I catch myself and have a chuckle at it, but I understand where you are coming from.

The best piece of advice I have is to grab a lawn chair, some popcorn, and 3-D glasses, and try to objectively observe your thinking process. When you have your moments of insanity, you will be able to laugh them away...or at least I do. And as you start to become more aware of your thoughts and insanity, you have a chance to improve. You can started responding to situations rather than reacting to them.

CarolD

Please take time to read this link....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I too was a blackout drinker who often
returned to drinking after my decision to stop.

While not everything in the book "Under The Influence" applied to me
it certainly explained a lot...and convinced me to actually quit.

Hope it will be an eye opener for you too..Welcome...

Stevie1

Someone...good for you, this is an important first step. As you're already seeing, alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I kept telling myself "I haven't hit bottom yet" as an excuse to delay serious attempts at sobriety. Watch out for that kind of thinking, that is your addiction talking.

I ignored many "bottoms" and over three decades of on and off, heavy-to-blackout drinking/using has eroded my health, my soul, my confidence and my integrity. Hitting bottom doesn't have to be a discrete event. It can be sneaky and cumulative.

Stevie, down and battered but not out, 53 years old and newly sober again!

least

Welcome to the family. I hope you find the same loving understanding support here that I've found. SR is a lifesaver for me. I quit drinking over 14 months ago and haven't felt this good in a long time.

crunchy

I'm new myself.

I think SR will be a really good tool for us! =3

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!