CleanandSober44

Do I feel quilty because I enable people to do what they shouldn't do, instead of holding them accountable. Which turns into resentment and then anger?


Im trying to figure out why I get so upset with my wife when she drinks and gets drunk. Im not sure if shes an alcoholic or not. She goes for a month at times with no drink. It's when she does go out, she stays out pretty late and does drive intoxicated from time to time.

I try to accept the situation for what is is, however, it bothers the heck out of me. Is it because of guilt due to the fact Im not holding her accountable?

Is it my fear that if I hold her accountable, and she doesnt do what she should, that I may have to leave her?

Im just trying to work on why I feel this way.

I hope this makes sense and maybe someone that has had the same situation, can tell me what worked for you.


Im about 9 months clean and sober and working a good aa program. My thinking and lifestyle has changed so much. However, hers hasnt. And, Im not trying to change her feelings, just working on mine.

Thanks for the replies. Im not sure if this makes sense, but, I tried to describe the best I could. Thanks, Michael

nandm

I would suggest you check into the program of ALANON. It helped me immensely in dealing with an alcoholic partner. I utilize both programs which helps keep the alcoholic in me and the ALANON in me balanced.

Supercrew

Could it be that you are jealous of the fact that she might not have a problem with alcohol and you do? Or maybe on your path to recovery through AA you now see the evils of alcohol, and she isn't willing to buy into that line of thinking because she doesn't really have a major issue? I think if you are attending AA you would probably know for sure whether she was an alcoholic or not, and you would let her know before she progressed any further. Obviously drinking and driving is wrong, but many people who aren't alcoholics drink and drive. If this is a big problem for you, and you know she is going out with the girls why don't you offer to drive her home on those occasions?

Supercrew

To follow up my last post, I was ordered by the courts to attend AA and alcohol counseling for about a year, (10 years ago). When I went out with my brother and friends who I normally drank with, I went overboard by judging their drinking when I had to be sober. I was mad that I couldn't drink, I was jealous that they were drinking, and I became a real jerk to be around and I let them know how bad drinking was and so on and so forth. Yes they might all have been alcoholics or problem drinkers, but it wasn't my place to judge them, and looking back the only reason i was doing it was because I was upset that I wasn't allowed to drink. I'm not saying that your situation is similar, but when I finally decided that I could no longer drink it became about me not about what someone else was doing, until someone asks me for help I leave my judgements to myself. I'm lucky though because my wife has never been a drinker, but my Mom and my Dad both drink often and the even drive occasionally and it would kill me to see anything happen to them, but it is not my place to question whether they have an issue or not.

artsoul

Hi Michael - I'm sure it's concerning to you to know your wife drinks and then drives - that would concern anyone. But you also say that her drinking is an occasional thing and that she can go a month without drinking, and it sounds like she goes out when she drinks (so she's not doing it in your face, so to speak).

You also say that you're worried that you're not holding her "accountable." I have to admit I'm not sure what you meant by that. If she's not an alcoholic, why would you try to control her drinking (and if you think she is, would good would it do?)

What I found interesting is that you're wondering if you'll have to leave her "if she doesn't do what she should", and then you say that it's you that has changed and she hasn't. If she's stayed the same, perhaps it has more to do with you....(?)

I'm guessing she didn't leave you while you were drinking (?).... and I'm also guessing you weren't drinking once a month...(?)

Is it the drinking/driving, or jealousy, or feeling like she's not supportive of your recovery? Are you questioning your love for her?

I don't know - It does seem like something's going on and I think it's good to ask these questions about your feelings. If you're confused or unhappy in the relationship, counseling might help you sort some things out. Have you talked with your wife about your feelings?

Starburst

Hi Michael, good for you on your 9 months soberiety, it is a really awesome achievement. Let me try to explain to you on my level perhaps it might help.

I am married to an alcoholic, who became a RAH when we married and stayed that way for 8 years... i am a non alcoholic, only on special occassions will i drink one glass.

My AH decided to go behind my back and start drinking, i couldnt put my finger on it, but after a year of snooping and lots of dectective work i discovered he has started drinking, he has been drinking now this will be his 4th year and on a bad day will have up to a bottle and half of hard liquor...

It eats my heart out, no amount of talking to preaching whatever will work, if the alcoholic or person who does the drinking doesnt feel they have a problem you're wasting your time. I even left for a time and then come all the promises and back to the old behaviour.

So what you have to do is work on you, you have to decided if you can live with your wife as she is, as she wont change... you must have a support system in place that you can get counsil when you're feeling like you need to talk.

I know its hard when your spouse doesnt support you, but you are the only one and if you have kids you have to be there for them.

You made the choice to change and that is wonderful, dont let your wife's actions eat you up, when she is of sober mind, discuss your feelings with her and see if you can come to a compromise because talking to people under the influence is a waste of your time and effort..

i hope this helps

dm me if you have anything you want to talk about

HUGS
Star

CleanandSober44

Just had a few minutes to read these replies. great stuff!

I'll follow up a bit later. Very busy right now.

God bless,
Michael