abcdefgheather

i've recently decided to take the steps of becoming sober yet my past of embarrassing blackouts continue to haunt me. i have had countless embarrassing moments and i am CONSTANTLY reminded of them. just this morning while i was at work i had a number i didn't know call me repeatedly. they left multiple messages telling me to "lick their nuts", etc. i found out who it was.. it was a guy i hooked up with during my most previous blackout[a guy i barely remember and the hooking up i have no recollection of.. just woke up the next morning and it was obvious what had taken place].. he lives in the same town as me and so do all of his friends that were at the house when all of this happened. i could hear people laughing in the background during the voicemails, so i assume it was some of those friends. i literally never want to show my face again. i would have never engaged in whatever activities i did if i had been sober and in my right mind. thing is, i wouldn't have doe alot of things if i had never experienced blackouts. but how do you deal with something like this? it got me upset at work. i'm home now and still can't stop crying..

ReadyAndAble

Sorry, that's rough, but it will get better. This is probably not a very satisfying answer, but I try to focus on my recovery and let time take care of the rest. Memories fade, and gradually the image of who I am today will replace everything else. Hope so anyway.

Besides, based on what you're saying, your town is full of people who have a lot more to be embarrassed about than you. Calling someone like that is what's really shameful. One good thing about your decision to stop drinking; it will be a lot easier to recognize jerks like that when you see one.

Congrats on taking steps to become sober. Hope you feel better and encounter some positive people today!

ste

Follow your decision, one step at a time. I see how what you described could be overwhelming. It could make you want to black out again, blot the memory, but you know better, you will always be reminded.
Easy to say, but hard to do.... do for yourself what you know is right. It takes strength and courage to change, but "people" will see a new and better Heather.

ronf

Dear abc, I'm not going to bang on my AA drum here,but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you. AA gives us the tools and shows us how to use them to deal with our past. You are NOT ALONE here!! I would have to guess that by far the majority of the people on this board know exactly what your going through. I know I have!! I well remember those gut wrenching wisps of memories the next day. Then using again that morning to get rid of that sick feeling, in effect queuing up the same movie and doing it all again. My heart truly goes out to you. You can change all this and never have to feel this way again.

To start, first you have to START. You CAN DO this

All the best, Ron

Kjell

By working all the steps of AA to the best of my ability.

It's working for me, but I'm not special. It can work for you too.

(and not only are our actions while in a blackout embarrassing, they are also very dangerous... I say this from experience. I know how you feel.)

Also, I haven't had one blackout since I quit drinking. Go figure!

wow1323

In some ways it is good that this happening it will hELP YOU stay on your path of recovery. I know how painful and embaressing our past can be, but is the past. You will never have to go through this again- with a clear mind that only sobriety can give you. I know sometimes even around my own family I will get a memory of some horrible thing i said drunk and I just cringe. It helps me to stay on the straight and narrow. Try to think of these phone calls as reminders.
hugs

juliwuli

oh god, i can relate, i could just curl up in a ball and die of embarassment at some of the things i have done, i'm so damn ashamed of myself, i was forever ringing people up, texting and emailing whilst drunk, i was just a walking disaster, like a train wreck infact,
however those embarrassing incidents will hopefully help us stay sober in the future, goid i never want to go back there again,

loveon2legs

The past is the past, and you just can't undo what is done....you just have to move forward hun.....I too was haunted by the things I had done, but I let it go....one of the greatest gifts of sobriety is never having blackouts and doing things we regret... it does get better, just give it time....xo

BoozeFree

Like 2legs said the past is the past. For me I just remember that as long as I'm sober there won't be anymore blackouts for me waking up the next morning in shock/embarrassed sometimes of what happened the night before.

gr8ful42day

Forgive yourself. Go from today forward.

dubbguy

Forgive yourself is great advice, I think it has to start there.
I did an incredible amount of stupid things blacked out but I think the reality is when you get sober alot of the reminders start to go away.
The most embarrassing things I did were all in situations that I just don't have any interest in anymore so I just don't really ever run into those people.
I take it you are younger too as that guy calling you might be one of the most childish things I've heard of..

Kjell

Lots of good advice here about forgiving oneself and moving on, but exactly how does one do that?

I'm an AA'er and we have steps for this. Please understand, I am not saying AA is the only way (let's not get this thread outta whack), but it was the way I did it and it worked for me.

In the spirit of the OP and for my curiosity, how does one, without AA, forgive oneself and move forward?

Thanks!

Mark75

Don't look back, look forward and get recovered... Too much wallowing in the past and regret will just take you back to the bottle... instead, start working on you, your recovery ... from this day forward.

What are you going to do differently?

Charmie

first of all welcome and i for one am glad you have decided to start down the path of sobriety.
i could write a book of all the embarassing and hideous situations ive gotten myself into over the years.i have found that this is par for the course in alcoholism to varying degrees and tragically none of it put me off...it just made it worse...because i would sometimes drink on the guilt and shame and each time it took more booze to blot it out which always ended in more blackouts and more dangerous and tragic behaviour!
but....there is a solution.for me it is the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous for which i would not be sober and free from guilt and shame today.
we get promises in AA by working the steps and one of those which is relevant to you today is this...."we will not regret our past,nor wish to hut the door on it"
if someone had of told me at the begining of recovery this was possible i would have thought it unatainable for me....like omeone said though...im not special and its come true.
AA is not the chosen path for everyone but for this alcoholic its been nothing but miracle after miracle.
i hope you choose a recovery programme,for me i cannot do this alone.

CarolD

I too was a blackout drinker..and all my social circle
were at best....excessive drinkers.

How about changeing your phone number?
You don't have to listen to garbage.
I stayed away from those drinking companions.

Thus...I wanted to find new friends and did so with AA.
By useing the AA Steps ...I've forgiven myself for my past
and moved on to a fantastic life...

All my best...and you too can win over alcohol..

bellakeller

When I saw your question, I immediately thought without a doubt of the tools I've learned in AA.

I still struggle with this from time to time and I am lucky enough to at least have a program of recovery I can follow to help me out with this. I've been in AA for a couple years now and I know that without it, I'd still be stuck on the things I'd done in the past.

I know me; without the help I've gotten I would still be back there wallowing in my past and never moving forward, most likely still drinking and very possibly dead. I am lucky AA is here for me.

gr8ful42day

BTW..AA rocks, I would be dead without it and the support I have found.

Steps to self forgiveness...I honestly think that is what you need to do, forgive yourself and move on. JMO.

Self-forgiveness | LIVESTRONG.COM

gravity

The guy is an immature ass. Sounds like something a fourteen year old would do. If it keeps up, get the police involved - sexual harassment.

And also, many people have had drunken hookups. Not THAT big of a deal.

Anyway, when I first quit, two of my "mantras" were: "I can't change the past" and "I only have one life to live." I'd much sooner get on with living in the present than reliving the past.

It will take time but the memories will fade.

Veritas1

Someone told me that as active alcoholics, we were doing the best that we could.

We cannot expect that our behavior would have been good.

We cannot stay there, when these thoughts occur. We have today. We stay sober today, and we don't cause any more harm.

Understanding that alcohol and our addiction caused us to behave the way we did helps.



Oh...one more thought..

I have been listening to a healing meditation on resentments.

One of the affirmations is...

"I release the need to hold on to resentments"

This could be towards yourself as well as others. We may resent ourselves for our past. We need to release this need to resent ourselves for what we have done.

Veritas1

Love this Mark

Makes me think of this part of the Big Book...

"Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery"

The Family Afterward
Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.