lovesobriety7

Hi, I am at a loss right now. I don't know what to do.

I have been in and out of recovery programs for the last 10 years. I started with an outpatient in 2000 which I quit in the middle. I wasn't mandated there or anything. I just noticed a problem in my drinking and my therapist suggested I go there.

Since about '08 I have been trying to get sober again off and on. For the last 10 months I have been attending a recovery center. I started going to the center after being diagnosed with a mood disorder at a reputable outpatient mental health clinic and being told I was not to drink anything while I was in the program there. That's why I am attending the recovery center.

It started in August when I had a sip of wine in my Spanish class. When I told a support group leader at the recovery center he said it was no big deal, not a relapse b/c I didn't keep on drinking. I had a sip and poured it out.

Since then I have been sipping beer here and there until a few days ago I had a beer and a half. I only got a little buzzed and I felt sick to my stomach so I stopped. Whenever I have had a drink lately I've been thinking I'm not that bad off. I can take a drink and only have one. It doesn't lead to anymore.

I've been lying about not drinking to my hubby and to my case manager in my recovery program. I finally came clean to my case manager that I had relapsed just once. He suggested I attend an aa meeting and tonight I did.

Today my husband went to a warehouse store and brought a whole case of beer home. I also found, as I was putting the groceries away, a big bottle of vodka in our cabinet. I have told him time and time again to get rid of the alcohol in the house and it was almost all gone till now he goes and buys more. He doesn't have a problem with alcohol and I don't think he thinks I have one either.

Right now I am on the fence as to whether to keep everything a secret, be discharged from the program and continue to have a drink every now and then OR be discharged from the center, go to AA meetings and try to stay sober although I really want to drink occasionally. I feel that by coming to this site I already have my answer. The thing is, I really have to want to stop drinking to be sober and I really don't want to stop drinking. I hate AA meetings but I don't know what else to do.

I am very thankful for any advice anyone has to give.

Dee74

Hi lovesobriety7

I wonder how many of us who said we didn't want to stop drinking meant we wished we could control it?

That was me. I never learned how to do that - I think it's impossible for me. To be honest I think it's rare for anyone who notices a problem with their drinking, like you did way back, to cease having that problem.

Unfortunately a lot of us do go back and try again - just to see if the results will be different.

I wonder how much of it is fear - fear of the unknown?

I know I was scared of change and of sobriety - but I needn't have been. My life's never been better - it was one of the best decisions of my life.

If you love sobriety as much as your name suggests - my advice is go for it.
Tell your husband, tell your case manager - reach out...and if you want face to face support, find a recovery group.

If AA's not for you, there are many other alternatives, like SMART etc.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Welcome to SR
D

lovesobriety7

It is fear. I'm afraid that recovery will take up my whole life or something. Or that I will just end up failing anyway like I have so many times. But I never have tried AA to the fullest extent working the program. It just seems like so much to do. I'm not lazy, I just, ok I am lazy.

I'm gonna give it a shot. People here and in a chat room have been kind enough to reach out to me so there must be something to this aa thing. Thanks Dee.

soberdude70

I see you wrote that you "hate AA meetings." Maybe you've tried this, but there are as many different types of meetings as there are different people and personalities. I would suggest trying out some different meetings and maybe you will find one you like and choose that as a home group for yourself.

firestorm090

Wow, it's scary how we all seem to have the same thoughts, and especially the same fears.

I thought my life would be empty without booze, my partying friends, my times of kicking back having a beer, or joining my buds at the bar to watch a game. I thought I'd lose that sense of ease the first drink gave me, and you know, I did lose all those things. What I gained from the loss was a chance to live a new life. You mentioned that you're afraid recovery will take up your whole life. I know that feeling well. I also know how desperate it is to go to the bar and order a pitcher of beer just to help stop my hands from shaking. I know the feeling of pulling my last dollar out and laying it on the bar, and wondering how to pay my bills, all while having that last drink and wanting more, but being unable to pay. I remember the thrill of a drinking buddy buying me a beer, because I was too broke, but I wouldn't tell him that, for I was too proud. I remember the shear agonizing loneliness of living with the bottle as my constant companion. I also know that this really wasn't living at all, just existing till my next drink.

The life that awaits me today is full of promise, full of love from family and friends, full of joy from being free from the drink today, and knowing I can reach out to others who share this joy and keep the hope and dreams alive. That's really living and is a far cry better than any life I lived while chained to the bottle.

Recovery, instead of being my whole life simply grants me the chance to live my whole life and to keep my life whole. It could do the same for you if you hang in there and give yourself a chance. I can always choose to have another drink, but then the drink takes over and my chance at life slips away again. Today, I choose life and hope you will too.

TwelveSteps

Be careful. Many times When I was trying to get sober, I had "just one" and used that to convince myself I wasn't an alcoholic. But it was just a matter of time before I was drinking alcoholically again. There's a reason AA teaches how important it is to avoid that one first drink altogether.

GG

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

Please see if theire is a beginners AA meeting in your area.
They are slanted to newcomers ..and I found them useful.

All my best to you and your family

ZZworldontheweb

Yeah, I think the idea of trying to taper off or drink moderately AFTER realizing you have a problem has just about a zero success rate. Notice how many internet forums do NOT exist giving any practical advice on how to do it.

Maybe you'll miss booze, sure. But think about it. Is it normal, is it reasonable, to expect a beverage, a liquid, to make a profound contribution to your life? Is it reasonable for the absence of a beverage to significantly hamper your life? Most people would say NO.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

Here's one way to look at it--you've already invested a lot of time and effort in recovery. Do you want to waste that and have to go back to square one by having to detox all over again?

Even though you've had a slip, the time and effort you've invested isn't wasted.

This might be the time to ramp up your efforts (and I totally get the "lazy" part--no judgments from me on that one--I struggle with it, too) and build up a good, solid sobriety. One where all the struggling is over with. Believe me, the mental struggles when you haven't really committed yourself to sobriety are a lot more exhausting than the effort required to live sober once you've fully recovered.

lovesobriety7

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm gonna go ahead and give it a try. I think another one of my fears is failure b/c I've failed so many times in the past. But I've never fully committed to recovery. I'm gonna do it this time, and hopefully it will stick.

TheEnd

Out of everything you said, this is probably the most important. If you don't want to stop drinking, then you won't stop drinking. No matter what anyone else wants for you, it really is up to you. Hope you make the best decision for yourself.

RobbyRobot

You know, if we all had to wait until we really wanted to stop drinking to get sober, I for one would never have gotten sober. Its really not about wanting to quit drinking except to just have a desire. Nothing more really. And alcoholics have strong desires to quit drinking and get sober. You have such desires yourself. Alcoholics also have strong obsessions to continue drinking too. Its the illness of alcoholism which creates and drives that drinking obsession.

As matter of fact what i really wanted to do the day when I finally quit was just get drunk and die. Same as always. Why should my alcoholism be be any different the day I get sober? It wasn't of course. I had a desire to quit though as well, and so I did the detox to get me through the obsessional crap. I took the help that followed. I did my part for those early weeks by not drinking. It was a horrible supervised detox. I was really out of it. Still not drinking and things of course got better as the days strung together. Three months later i moved out of the rehab, and got on with my life. The first years were not easy but things always got better anyways and no drinking. That was many years ago now, and my life is really great and sweeet! Being recovered did not take over my life but like was already said in this thread, recovery gave me a [my] life to live.

Stay with the program. Keep with getting help. Dont sip or drink any alcohol. Things can get better and will get better. Dont give up.

Rob