savexourxship

In November I was forced to attempt to clean up my act, once again. I had come to the point of consuming up to a liter a day in liquor and still suffering from severe withdrawal. My face was constantly numb, frequent chest pain, light auditory and visual hallucinations. I spoke with a family member that I reside with, they gave me a ride to the hospital. During the drive she explained to me that this would be my last chance at recovery as a member of her household. I acknowledged and accepted these terms. I will have an extended stay at an inpatient treatment facility, I will attend as many AA/NA meetings as I possibly can, and I will see a counselor. Three hours in the emergency room, one dose of intravenous Ativan ( with no relief ) and I am on my way to detox via an ambulance. I had a four day detox, which was pure hell in comparison to my previous stays. I laid on a bed shaking for almost 36 hours before my symptoms finally began to ease. I stayed another 13 days in a mens live in unit. Laying in that bed, shaking, I vowed that I would never find myself in this position ever again, considering its all under my control whether or not I end up there. I can't recall exactly how long it took me to take a drink after leaving the treatment center, but my best guess would be less than 5 days. I would build up a small amount of sober time, then binge for a day, sometimes two. Deathly afraid of reacquiring a physical dependence, for that would surely leave me homeless and abandoned by the few people that remained, that were willing to go through as much pain as I have to try and help me pull through.

Over the holidays there a few family parties, as expected. What surprised me was that I was approached by the hosts prior to the party, and asked if I would be okay with alcohol there. Now I can't just goto a family party and grab a beer, not anymore. Previously my struggle was a very well kept secret, at least I believe it to have been. Now, the cats out of the bag.

Since Christmas there has been unopened bottles of wine on my kitchen counter, and cases of beer on the porch. I look at them everyday, of course I can only see myself sitting down with a cold one and feeling relieved, not shaking in piece of junk bed, wishing I would just die already, with homeless people on either side of me.

Long story, apologies. What did I do today? I drank a bottle of wine, all I got out of it was a nasty case of heart burn, and an unbearably awkward confrontation. Once again, I did not have even the slightest thought of the consequences. I knew that it would be noticed, nobody in my home drinks. Bottles of wine just don't disappear, do they? Or could it be the alcoholic nephew, that idiotically reasoned with himself that nobody would notice, and if they did, it would be okay, I would somehow guilt them into feeling sorry for me, and letting it slide. Everyone gets second chances right? Just one slip up, that they are aware of anyway. What about 50th chances?

They ask me why I do the things I do, they ask me why I hardly make the right decision in terms of drinking. Whatever way I explain my feelings to them, they tell me they are all excuses. Then it turns to them saying they don't want to hear anything I have to say. You know, " don't tell me, tell a counselor, or go tell someone at a meeting". I guess this turned into a long winded rant. Luckily, I have been granted one more chance, to make up my mind. I am either going to drink on the streets, or be sober in my home.

Save-

Antiderivative

It is apparent that you are not facing reality. You are rationalizing, minimizing, romanticizing, and lying to yourself in order to have that next drink which is killing you, inflicting pain and misery onto yourself (and probably your family), and making you homeless. As you previously said:

The problem is that you are an alcoholic. An alcoholic does not just have a cold one. Additionally, your drinking doesn't bring your relief. It brings harm. I would suggest to take a cold, hard look at they consequences that your drinking brings. Then ask yourself, if those consequences are indeed bringing you "relief".

The last time I drank was because I wanted to "reward" myself for having a decent and productive day. I ended up on another spree and when it was over, I was crawling around on the bathroom floor like a deranged animal wondering if I was going to die, have a heart attack, or go into alcoholic seizures. That is how I "rewarded" myself. Then it dawned on me that killing yourself is no type of "reward" or "relief".

How do you explain insanity to someone? How do you explain to someone who loves you that despite your best intentions, you are making decisions that are digging yourself an early grave? It is incomprehensible. Normal people do not do what we do. They don't throw their life away over a lousy chemical in a can. It is difficult to explain the inexplicable to them.

I really hope you get sobriety. Sobriety, while not always filled with gumdrops and candy canes, is much better than giving yourself auditory and visual hallucinations, being rushed to the ER, being committed to inpatient programs, shaking due to alcohol withdrawals, and finding yourself very close to living on the streets during a New England winter.

Learn how to treat yourself yourself well. Learn how to love yourself, which is something foreign to alcoholics. How can you love yourself when you are killing yourself? Do yourself a favor, and give yourself a break from the insanity that you are inflicting upon yourself and others. Give yourself a break and get some help. I wish you the best.

LexieCat

Are you going to AA now?

If not, why not? If so, did it cross your mind to call someone from the program before drinking? Do you have phone numbers?

If you are going to continue living there, I would suggest asking the family members if they would mind getting the booze out of the house for the time being.

They are right, of course, your excuses are excuses. You drink because you are an alcoholic. I would get REAL busy on that Step work if I were you.

rws177

Alcoholism truly is insane. We tend to do the same things over and over but expected different results which I think is the defention of insanity. I'm really sorry to hear that you drank that wine today but glad to hear you realized it did noting to make you feel better. I have been in a hospital bed two times for my drinking and can remember what it was like shaking and all the other horrible things that came with it. You can beat this and don't have to spend countless hours wondering if anyone notices the bottles of wine missing or have that ongoing fear of being homeless. Just take it one day at a time and tell yourself your not going to drink today. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next day, just today! Thanks for posting, you slipped up but now is the time to dust yourself up and get back up. See the counselor, go to a meeting or whatever it takes!

RobbyRobot

Yup. You know it. Alcoholism is a fatal illness. Dying on the streets is not where you want to be of course. Don't give up. Don't drink. Keep reaching out. Sobriety always starts with quitting drinking. For any and all of us.

Stay with it.

Rob

CarolD

Where is the closest Alvation army shelter to you?
That might be useful info to have.

I hope you get back on track before you die from alcoholism.
It's slow painful and not necessary. It's the final bottom.

Please get serious...you already know what to do
It's your decision to make.