$50 fine if I find her drunk or bottle in her room
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$50 fine if I find her drunk or bottle in her room
She lies, lies, lies, as IF I wouldn't notice or know what she's going through.
My daughter has gone from occasional weekend drinking with friends (not that I knew about it, but had a feeling) to drinking almost every other night before bed time. She still lives at home.
I've gone through all the lectures about alcoholism etc......and as soon as she gets her car fixed, we will look for AA place close to home for her to attend.
Few days ago I told her that I want all the bottles cleaned from her room and that if I find her drunk or any bottles in the room I'm going to start charging her $50 fine. She starts laughing and say "he he mom, how's that suppose to help me?" I said "well, it'll help ME" and you're not going to like to part with your money.
That same night I was talking to her about it, this was after work when I came home, she had already had something to drink. After my talk I went to sleep. The next day her sister who doesn't live with us, calls me and leaves a msg. "tell your stupid alcoholic stupid daughter to NOT call me when she DRUNK talking crap". Apparently she had some left over wine she didn't finish and got into the "whining" mood and called her sister.
So, the next day when I came home from work I asked her "why did you drink RIGHT after I talked to you about the rules?" I asked her, "are you trying to make me feel bad, make a fool out of me, just to spite me, or what?"
she answered: "well, you gave me the rules after I already drank so that don't count"
So, the next morning (I usually give her a ride to work if her schedule that day is the same time as mine) and she comes out "sniff, sniff, caugh, caugh, I think I'm going to take the day off, I'm not feeling well".
She says, my throat hurts and when I spit out there seems to be blood.
Just the day before there was NO sign of her being sick. Usually, it doesn't just start over night. And I saw no signs of her not feeling well the night before.
I came home from work, she's not home.
I'm pretty sure she went to her friends, where she can "freely" drink.
So, the "I'm sick" thingy was just to draw attention and feel sorry for her after I'd yelled at her the night before and gave her probation rules about her drinking.
Freakn, kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My daughter has gone from occasional weekend drinking with friends (not that I knew about it, but had a feeling) to drinking almost every other night before bed time. She still lives at home.
I've gone through all the lectures about alcoholism etc......and as soon as she gets her car fixed, we will look for AA place close to home for her to attend.
Few days ago I told her that I want all the bottles cleaned from her room and that if I find her drunk or any bottles in the room I'm going to start charging her $50 fine. She starts laughing and say "he he mom, how's that suppose to help me?" I said "well, it'll help ME" and you're not going to like to part with your money.
That same night I was talking to her about it, this was after work when I came home, she had already had something to drink. After my talk I went to sleep. The next day her sister who doesn't live with us, calls me and leaves a msg. "tell your stupid alcoholic stupid daughter to NOT call me when she DRUNK talking crap". Apparently she had some left over wine she didn't finish and got into the "whining" mood and called her sister.
So, the next day when I came home from work I asked her "why did you drink RIGHT after I talked to you about the rules?" I asked her, "are you trying to make me feel bad, make a fool out of me, just to spite me, or what?"
she answered: "well, you gave me the rules after I already drank so that don't count"
So, the next morning (I usually give her a ride to work if her schedule that day is the same time as mine) and she comes out "sniff, sniff, caugh, caugh, I think I'm going to take the day off, I'm not feeling well".
She says, my throat hurts and when I spit out there seems to be blood.
Just the day before there was NO sign of her being sick. Usually, it doesn't just start over night. And I saw no signs of her not feeling well the night before.
I came home from work, she's not home.
I'm pretty sure she went to her friends, where she can "freely" drink.
So, the "I'm sick" thingy was just to draw attention and feel sorry for her after I'd yelled at her the night before and gave her probation rules about her drinking.
Freakn, kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
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As much as I admire your vigilance and concern for your daughter I do not think this path will get her sober. Not many of us were able to get sober under someone else's command... We had to want it for ourselves.
I'm sure you have already threatened to kick her out if she brings alcohol into the home. You may have to do that if you want those in your home to be sober... Fines are just a minor inconvenience to us alcoholics.
I'm sure you have already threatened to kick her out if she brings alcohol into the home. You may have to do that if you want those in your home to be sober... Fines are just a minor inconvenience to us alcoholics.
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Originally Posted by c49999 
As much as I admire your vigilance and concern for your daughter I do not think this path will get her sober. Not many of us were able to get sober under someone else's command... We had to want it for ourselves.
I'm sure you have already threatened to kick her out if she brings alcohol into the home. You may have to do that if you want those in your home to be sober... Fines are just a minor inconvenience to us alcoholics.
I'm sure you have already threatened to kick her out if she brings alcohol into the home. You may have to do that if you want those in your home to be sober... Fines are just a minor inconvenience to us alcoholics.
My drinking was moderate until I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got past that, and it wasn't a problem even then until not even 5 months later I was diagnosed with "colon cancer". I had to wear the "colostomy bag" for 9 months during my chemo treatment. This was more than I could bear and I started drinking more. My daughters (both of them living at home at the time) became worse in behavior rather than helping and it made my life worse then hell. So I drank, even on my way home from chemo.
After I got my colon reattached, I realized how bad my drinking had become and that I couldn't manage it and finally with suggestion from my husband I went to rehab. Best decision I made in a Loooooong time.
I'm now dealing with all my problems in a different way.
My daughter knows she has a problem but I know all too well how difficult it is to stop. I'm just trying anything and everything to help her come to "HER OWN" decision to stop.
I know this "fine" thing is lame, but I'm doing it just to keep showing my "insistence" on having her quit rather than just coddling her every time she does get drunk and goes on a "pitty me" rampage.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
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From one alcoholic to another here, I think your reaction is a little odd? I don't understand why you seem more angry than concerned. I'm sure the F&F forum can give you advice on how to 'detach with love'.
There are a myriad of options between enabling her problem and being petty/vindictive, right? The way you're talking about her feels more dysfunctional relationship than mother/daughter to me. Some distance (emotional or otherwise) might help
There are a myriad of options between enabling her problem and being petty/vindictive, right? The way you're talking about her feels more dysfunctional relationship than mother/daughter to me. Some distance (emotional or otherwise) might help
Ch5 HOW
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by c49999
As much as I admire your vigilance and concern for your daughter I do not think this path will get her sober. Not many of us were able to get sober under someone else's command... We had to want it for ourselves.
That is just my opinion and my experience with this thing....
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Originally Posted by LetsGoJets
In my opinion, and I think people may disagree with me here, but the Program of AA isnt for people who want it, its for people who do it. If she does it,whether she wants to or not, well, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..."
That is just my opinion and my experience with this thing....
That is just my opinion and my experience with this thing....
She's still paying off fines from her DUI from last year. After she pays that off, I am taking money from her paycheck to save money to fix her car. Hopefully with her some tax return and savings that will be in my (hidden) drawer she'll get the car running again and I'll go with her the first few times and make sure she's following up.
She's aware she has alcohol problem, but like with all of us alcoholics, we know how difficult it is to quit.
I really didn't know what to expect with that money fine I demanded, but I felt departing with her money would not be a happy thing, so I tried. We'll see if that does any good.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
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Wow...you have certainly had alot of health issues to face this past year. Glad to hear you are doing well and on the road to recovery.
Are you attending AA on a regular basis? If you are, might I suggest adding Al-Anon to your program. For us alkies that have a loved one fighting this disease, it is a double whammy. I need Al-Anon almost as much as AA. I also lean on the co-dependent side, and have worked on that also.
Please take care of yourself, your health both mentally and physically. Your daughters bottom will be hers, when she hits it.
Are you attending AA on a regular basis? If you are, might I suggest adding Al-Anon to your program. For us alkies that have a loved one fighting this disease, it is a double whammy. I need Al-Anon almost as much as AA. I also lean on the co-dependent side, and have worked on that also.
Please take care of yourself, your health both mentally and physically. Your daughters bottom will be hers, when she hits it.
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Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST
Wow...you have certainly had alot of health issues to face this past year. Glad to hear you are doing well and on the road to recovery.
Are you attending AA on a regular basis? If you are, might I suggest adding Al-Anon to your program. For us alkies that have a loved one fighting this disease, it is a double whammy. I need Al-Anon almost as much as AA. I also lean on the co-dependent side, and have worked on that also.
Please take care of yourself, your health both mentally and physically. Your daughters bottom will be hers, when she hits it.
Are you attending AA on a regular basis? If you are, might I suggest adding Al-Anon to your program. For us alkies that have a loved one fighting this disease, it is a double whammy. I need Al-Anon almost as much as AA. I also lean on the co-dependent side, and have worked on that also.
Please take care of yourself, your health both mentally and physically. Your daughters bottom will be hers, when she hits it.
This forum has been my life saver since I came out of rehab. With my work schedule and having to take care of my grandaughter on Saturdays I'm tired as hell.
I haven't bee to any meetings but a day doesn't go by that I'm not on this forum.
My older daughter I had to kick out. With her I had even BIGGER problems. She drank and then became violent. It is her daughter, my grandaughter that I had to take care of while I was going through chemo treatment sick as a dog.
Once she was out of the house, I did not, could not let her come back home. THere was not a month that didn't pass without some police coming to our house. She would have been the death of me for sure.
She's now doing better in her own apartment. I am still paying for my grandaughter's day care and for my grandaughter's ballet which is where I take her on Saturdays and then have her at my house until Sunday.
I don't know what else I can do. I can barely function to go to work with so much stress. I am on medication for my stress and depression and seeing a psychiatrist.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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See, you are making yourself sick trying to control another person. Yes, you have the right to set rules in your house, but trying to control an alcoholic is an exercise in futility.
If you CHOOSE to allow her to live in your home, you are either going to have to tolerate (detach from, learn to live with) alcoholic behavior or you will continue to drive yourself crazy.
You have options. You need to figure out what you can live with, make boundaries that you can actually enforce, and/or tell her she must find other living arrangements. I highly recommend Al-Anon to help you sort out what you can and cannot live with, and what you are willing to do to help yourself. Because what you can do to help her is pretty limited.
If you CHOOSE to allow her to live in your home, you are either going to have to tolerate (detach from, learn to live with) alcoholic behavior or you will continue to drive yourself crazy.
You have options. You need to figure out what you can live with, make boundaries that you can actually enforce, and/or tell her she must find other living arrangements. I highly recommend Al-Anon to help you sort out what you can and cannot live with, and what you are willing to do to help yourself. Because what you can do to help her is pretty limited.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi Kiki;
i'm very sorry for your health problems and understandably the stress your duaghters are causing you.
from a stranger's point of view, they both sound like spoiled, rude, selfish kids who do not appreciate or care about their mother. and their mother bails them out of every mess and tries to *fix* things. why on earth would any MOTHER expect someone going through dibilitating chemo to watch their child???? Your daughter at home needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions, car and finances...why are YOU in charge of saving $$ for repairs? is she too busy being a spoiled princess to take care of herself? are you still cleaning and washing/ironing/cooking for her too? why doesn't she help out if she lives in your house?
I hope you find the strength to realize you have to remove some of this stress from your life....it sounds like both of your children are still "on your payroll" both physically and emotionally"...
good luck and check out the F&family forum, those ladies/gentlemen are very wise through experience.
i'm very sorry for your health problems and understandably the stress your duaghters are causing you.
from a stranger's point of view, they both sound like spoiled, rude, selfish kids who do not appreciate or care about their mother. and their mother bails them out of every mess and tries to *fix* things. why on earth would any MOTHER expect someone going through dibilitating chemo to watch their child???? Your daughter at home needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions, car and finances...why are YOU in charge of saving $$ for repairs? is she too busy being a spoiled princess to take care of herself? are you still cleaning and washing/ironing/cooking for her too? why doesn't she help out if she lives in your house?
I hope you find the strength to realize you have to remove some of this stress from your life....it sounds like both of your children are still "on your payroll" both physically and emotionally"...
good luck and check out the F&family forum, those ladies/gentlemen are very wise through experience.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
How old is your daughter? You seem very controlling if she is an adult.
If I were her and her age (assuming she is in her late teens or early twenties?) someone trying to strong arm me I to getting sober would have just made me resist it.
I, too, had an overbearing mother and moved out as soon as I started undergrad. If I were still living at home and drinking, I think the only thing that might have worked is an agreement (agreement -- following a conversation -- not a dictated order) that if I drank I would have to move out. And if that's what happens, stick with it. It sounds like her living with you is emotionally destructive for both of you anyway.
GG
If I were her and her age (assuming she is in her late teens or early twenties?) someone trying to strong arm me I to getting sober would have just made me resist it.
I, too, had an overbearing mother and moved out as soon as I started undergrad. If I were still living at home and drinking, I think the only thing that might have worked is an agreement (agreement -- following a conversation -- not a dictated order) that if I drank I would have to move out. And if that's what happens, stick with it. It sounds like her living with you is emotionally destructive for both of you anyway.
GG
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Please check out our Friends and Families forum of Alcoholics:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You will find some great ES&H on how to let go with your daughter and allow her to find her own bottom, while you deal with your ongoing health issues.
Hope to see you over there!
Love and hugs,
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You will find some great ES&H on how to let go with your daughter and allow her to find her own bottom, while you deal with your ongoing health issues.
Hope to see you over there!
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 48
Hi Kiki5711,
You have amazing strength to deal with this alongside your health issues! I wonder if your daughter is acting out from having to deal with your health issues as she would have had to deal with possibly losing her mother while you were beating cancer. Also, you raising the funds for your daughter's car can lead to her thinking that one way you show/prove love is by doing that - it's part of someone who has an entitlement mentality. If you are going to give her ultimatums or withdraw financial support, you might want to fill the void with some other constructive way of still offering love.
Good luck!
Joanna
You have amazing strength to deal with this alongside your health issues! I wonder if your daughter is acting out from having to deal with your health issues as she would have had to deal with possibly losing her mother while you were beating cancer. Also, you raising the funds for your daughter's car can lead to her thinking that one way you show/prove love is by doing that - it's part of someone who has an entitlement mentality. If you are going to give her ultimatums or withdraw financial support, you might want to fill the void with some other constructive way of still offering love.
Good luck!
Joanna
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Hmm. Good luck with that.
But seriously.. is she an adult? Instead of 'fines', what about "no drinking/being drunk in my home, or you move to your own"? If you're allowing her to live there, and assuming she is an adult, and have no house rules around people drinking or being drunk in your home, why would she not drink? If she's an adult.. she has every right to drink as much as she wants, as often as she wants.. for as long as she chooses. Your only 'control' here is what you will or will not accept in your home.
And now the nosy part of me wants to know.. Why does she live with you? Are there any rules in your home (pay rent, be employed, clean up after yourself, move out by xxx date, no alcohol in the home, no staying at my house if you're drunk, etc), or are you enabling her to continue this life she has with you now?
But seriously.. is she an adult? Instead of 'fines', what about "no drinking/being drunk in my home, or you move to your own"? If you're allowing her to live there, and assuming she is an adult, and have no house rules around people drinking or being drunk in your home, why would she not drink? If she's an adult.. she has every right to drink as much as she wants, as often as she wants.. for as long as she chooses. Your only 'control' here is what you will or will not accept in your home.
And now the nosy part of me wants to know.. Why does she live with you? Are there any rules in your home (pay rent, be employed, clean up after yourself, move out by xxx date, no alcohol in the home, no staying at my house if you're drunk, etc), or are you enabling her to continue this life she has with you now?
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
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Wow, i am sorry to hear about the cancers. I had some colon issues and go in for a yearly check to make sure I have no more "pre" cancers growing... You definitely have way more health to deal with than what scared me.
How about a middle ground. What if you took your daughter with you to a meeting? OR, if she objects to being in the same meeting with you, then how about both of you make a pact to go to meetings separately. You may "enable" her with $1 to bring the raffle ticket home to show you she was there??
How about a middle ground. What if you took your daughter with you to a meeting? OR, if she objects to being in the same meeting with you, then how about both of you make a pact to go to meetings separately. You may "enable" her with $1 to bring the raffle ticket home to show you she was there??
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
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Being a treatment provider is no easy task...if that is what your doing. And it looks to me that's what your doing. So I guess your implementing some of the standard practices of addiction treatment. That being; testing, mandatory meetings, sponsor, restricted movement, coping skill instruction all done over close supervision. Of course all that needs to be done with absolute detachment and unwavering consequences. Its a big order to do, but I can see someone with an iron resolve doing it.
I think one of the principal tasks of treatment is to have a comprehensive time schedule accounting for every minuet of the day. Structure is absolutely necessary IMO. Without it there's too much room for failure.
Anywho, these are some of the suggestions that I know of. Having been through treatment myself, I have experiences all of the above with regards to treatment and some. I had realized that my way of doing things were only furthering the harm I was doing to my mind and body. I think without that realization....addiction treatment would just be another thing I would try to manipulate to my continued drug using advantage. So I sought out professional addiction treatment to help me change that mindset.
I think one of the principal tasks of treatment is to have a comprehensive time schedule accounting for every minuet of the day. Structure is absolutely necessary IMO. Without it there's too much room for failure.
Anywho, these are some of the suggestions that I know of. Having been through treatment myself, I have experiences all of the above with regards to treatment and some. I had realized that my way of doing things were only furthering the harm I was doing to my mind and body. I think without that realization....addiction treatment would just be another thing I would try to manipulate to my continued drug using advantage. So I sought out professional addiction treatment to help me change that mindset.
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I'm not saving money from "my check". She has agreed to let me handle her paychek in order to finally pay off the debts she's piled up and didn't have the discipline to do it herself. From every check we agree on how much she's to give to me, which I keep to pay off what's needed.
First she racked up a debt with "auto loan". $800 dollars. After almost a year, she has still not paid it off. We took money from her check and paid it off in one month.
Now that is out of the way she has $900 left to pay within next three months to probation for last years DUI. She's giving me most of her check except what she needs until next paycheck.
This will be paid off in about a couple months.
Once that's out of the way, I will be taking money from her paycheck to save up to fix her car.
She's agreed to do this and is happy that it's finally getting paid off and admitted that she just don't handle money well.
I have set rules not to drink in the house, or come home drunk, but of course that rule has been broken many times as she hides it and many days I'm so tired after work I don't inspect her room or drill her before going to bed. Besides that would stress me to no point.
This $50 thing I just thought of as something that might show her I'm serious about her drinking at home.
I know I can't control what she does when she's not at home, but at least I can set rules and show I'm serious when she IS at home.l
She's 22 and doesn't make enough money to live on her own. She's working towards that, but I'm hoping that by that time, she takes enough responsibility to seek help on her own.
When she gets the car fixed, then she will be paying me to get my car fixed, since she's the one that put a giant dent in it and that's why she cannot drive MY car anywhere any time. She gets a ride to work from me (it's on my way to my work anyway) and if the schedules don't match, she takes a taxi home or gets a ride from a friend.
I'm not trying to be controlling but I have to show her I'm serious.
First she racked up a debt with "auto loan". $800 dollars. After almost a year, she has still not paid it off. We took money from her check and paid it off in one month.
Now that is out of the way she has $900 left to pay within next three months to probation for last years DUI. She's giving me most of her check except what she needs until next paycheck.
This will be paid off in about a couple months.
Once that's out of the way, I will be taking money from her paycheck to save up to fix her car.
She's agreed to do this and is happy that it's finally getting paid off and admitted that she just don't handle money well.
I have set rules not to drink in the house, or come home drunk, but of course that rule has been broken many times as she hides it and many days I'm so tired after work I don't inspect her room or drill her before going to bed. Besides that would stress me to no point.
This $50 thing I just thought of as something that might show her I'm serious about her drinking at home.
I know I can't control what she does when she's not at home, but at least I can set rules and show I'm serious when she IS at home.l
She's 22 and doesn't make enough money to live on her own. She's working towards that, but I'm hoping that by that time, she takes enough responsibility to seek help on her own.
When she gets the car fixed, then she will be paying me to get my car fixed, since she's the one that put a giant dent in it and that's why she cannot drive MY car anywhere any time. She gets a ride to work from me (it's on my way to my work anyway) and if the schedules don't match, she takes a taxi home or gets a ride from a friend.
I'm not trying to be controlling but I have to show her I'm serious.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Respect your concern for her being, but if she doesn't want to stop she wont. The more anyone tells me I can't do something...the more I will try.
Punishment will shape the weak, incentives work better on the willful.
SC
Punishment will shape the weak, incentives work better on the willful.
SC
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
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An interesting middle ground you have there. Not to judge, but I see your are doing many things that can help her and some things that are too much 'controlling' as you say...to do. Not that what your are doing this right or wrong under your circumstances...but it seems to me that there may be too much going on to correct. Then again I'm not in yours shoes.
Have you though of writing out a behavioral contract? If anything its a binding document that considers all the situations that need governance. Not only that but a contract lays it its out on the table...a good opportunity to have an in depth discussion.
I commend you for offering your time and oversight into a difficult task of correcting the behavior of your loved one. I personally think your offering is a great loving act. Yet at the same time I do hope your prepared...if ever the occurrence should arise...for failure. Just as a safeguard in the event of things could go sour. A ultimatum where you disconnect totally from you loved one must be considered.
This disconnection would be the gift of absolute responsibility that your loved one face every consequence of their action....without rescue from you. Just as it is for us that live in the real world of action and reaction...however it comes, without buffers or outside intervention.
Have you though of writing out a behavioral contract? If anything its a binding document that considers all the situations that need governance. Not only that but a contract lays it its out on the table...a good opportunity to have an in depth discussion.
I commend you for offering your time and oversight into a difficult task of correcting the behavior of your loved one. I personally think your offering is a great loving act. Yet at the same time I do hope your prepared...if ever the occurrence should arise...for failure. Just as a safeguard in the event of things could go sour. A ultimatum where you disconnect totally from you loved one must be considered.
This disconnection would be the gift of absolute responsibility that your loved one face every consequence of their action....without rescue from you. Just as it is for us that live in the real world of action and reaction...however it comes, without buffers or outside intervention.
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