whenartdeparts

oh well....it's been a while since I wrote in SR. probably because I was living with the delusion that I was doing perfectly fine and maybe, just maybe, I didn't have substance abuse issues anymore. This is what probably lead me to a relapse, I am currently on day 2 of sobriety and the withdrawal I experienced on day 1, after 5 days of binge drinking and absolutely no food, was just mortifying. I had forgotten how much withdrawal feels and tastes like dying. In all honesty, my brain is still in a haze and I feel quite "edgy", also I feel very confused and find it a bit hard to perform simple tasks, but at least I'm aware these are symptoms that come with withdrawal.
Also considering all the INSANE **** I did during my 5 day bender, I am really,really glad I managed to survive the situation without a scratch, I feel quite lucky and in all honesty, despite the fact I regard myself as an atheist, during my withdrawal yesterday I started considering finding a higher power to believe in , 'cause maybe faith will help me to not be in such a sad disposition again.
I still can't believe I managed to fly off the handle the way I did. But if there is one thing I remember from the last day of my binging, it was that as I was walking from the grocery store, carrying bottles in a cheap plastic bag, at 7 in the morning, I looked at my feet and on the sidewalk there was this drain or something (i'm not even sure it's there usually, it could have easily been a hallucination) in the form of a cross and I thought, in all my drunken daze, that maybe it's a sign that there is someone (or something) watching over me and that it would not allow anything bad to happen to me, that I just need to live through my downfall like I had done so many times before, but be aware of the fact that the only reason nothing "fatal" happened to me this time was that this higher power was watching over me and that maybe if there ever is a next time, a next relapse, I would be left to walk alone through it and eventually, lose myself in it.
I know I sound like a lunatic. But I don't really care I just wanted to share my experience so that this form of sharing helps me remain sober.

omegasupreme

You may have done lots of insane things while drinking, but think about this: the most insane thing we do as alcoholics/addicts, we do from stone cold sobriety and that's pick up another drink or another drug.

My experience in the fellowship has allowed me to hear several stories on omens or signs if you will. I will share my own. After several weeks of waking up and being drunk before I could even realize I was drinking, you know when you have been absolutely blindsided by the drink again...I would always swear to myself that "tomorrow I'm not doing this again", well, it kept happening, then one day in absolute bewilderment, these two letters found there way into my train of thought with much force. Those two letters were "AA". Now I have never been court mandated to go to AA, have no family in AA, never even heard of it other than the stereotypical jokes people on the street make about alcoholism. So, I googled some meetings, finally crawled in. After several in and out trips to confirm that I was the real mccoy a sponsor got me. We worked the steps and my life has been on fire ever since.

LaFemme

Hi art! So good to see you again! I'm glad you are back, I was just thinking about you the other day.

There is a saying "God protects fools and drunks"...I know personally how dangerous drinking is, but the fact that I didn't kill myself (or God forbid someone else) is nothing short of a miracle. So I do think God was watching over you in some way shape or form.

I think the thing I've learned being here is substance abuse issues don't go away...we need to learn how to deal with them, and the consensus seems to be that that requires some personal work. For me that means my Life Coach and SR, art, meditation, and healthy living (I didn't give up booze to spend my life eating big mac's!).

So what are you planning on doing going forward?

xoxo,

LaFemme

You can't legally buy alcohol earlier then 10:00am in my neck of the woods so I always had to make sure I left a little for the next morning. Ugh, reading your post brings back memories (although they are pretty fuzzy since the last 5 years were a big blur for me).

SASA

thanks for sharing. I beleive a higher power guides us, we just sometimes do not realize this. But then if we are out and lost sometimes we still get a glimpse. Also your story told us even we recovery, our addict voice is always there to fool us into drinking, drugging using

Dee74

I underestimated my addiction many times - inevitably it always slapped me upside the head.

I'm glad you're back Art

D

ylwlab

Thanks for sharing.

bellakeller

I was just wondering how you were doing...welcome back! Glad you made it in one piece.

CarolD

Good to know you are planning to get back to sobriety

Please don't hestitate to call your doctor or go to an
ER if you feel frightened about your de tox smptoms.

BTW....my God sends me all sorts of nudges and signs.
I find them comforting

rws177

Thanks for sharing! It took me back to my last relapse and gave me chills remembering what all I had to go through after that last binge. Hearing your story will help me on this path that I have chosen. I'm glad your back on here, believing in something greater than yourself and ready to get back on the road to sobriety!

LexieCat

Glad to have you back with us.

I DO have family (ex-husband with whom I remain good friends) in AA (for decades), and I kept hearing a little voice inside saying, "So what are you WAITING for? You KNOW what works!"

And guess what, it did and it does.

MaryAnn100

Hey Art,

Glad to hear you are still ok, I too wondered if you had gone back out there and something terrible happened. Glad you made it back alive (this time).

Hug

Annette

whenartdeparts

ah it was just horrible, the withdrawal I mean....never ever been worse, I thought I was actually going mad because whenever I closed my eyes, my brain would take me to places and situations that in reality did not exist, I mean without being asleep and without having any control over it, I guess it was some sort of hallucinating with eyes wide shut, then I would suddenly return to reality, and I would be so scared that I would wrap myself in my (drenched in sweat) blanket to the point where I can't produce any physical movement, I did this as a precaution 'cause I got scared that my hallucinations might not just limit themselves to some sort of delirious talking but delirious walking and god knows what else. I have only just now recovered mentally (for some reasons the harsh physical symptoms like shakes, high blood pressure and all-over redness disappeared on Friday, only the sweating and dilated pupils remained). I am really considering joining the AA this time 'cause I'd rather die than go through hell again.

ZZworldontheweb

Sounds like you're serious. When you feel better, it's time to start getting into the reasons that you drink and getting them behind you. It takes a little work (12 steps) but it's worth it. This is what AA is for.

omegasupreme

I love your last sentence...it's one of the paradoxes of AA and of working the 12 steps. It is ever so true, we work the steps and we die, that is exactly what happens. Myself had to die in order for me to live. Selfishness is the root of my problem. Come see us, yourself may die, but your spirit will live.

LaFemme

I'm glad you made it through detox...your experience sounds terrifying please don't do that to yourself again!

Hugs, LaFemme

whenartdeparts

Btw yesterday, almost a week sober, I experienced some sort of a very sudden but very intense vertigo attack, out of nowhere, I was sitting down when it happened and it only lasted seconds.... I got really scared so lied down and closed my eyes but even when they were closed they kind of kept on blinking?! If it makes sense... And my face kind of went partially numb.
I wanted to ask....is it possible that this was a mini-seizure? I didn't lose consciousness but after I researched my symptoms I'm lead to believe that's the case. Also during my withdrawals I've been taking quite a bit of valproic acid which is an anticonvulsant (NOT ASKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE HERE, JUST EXPLAINING MY CONDITION) and I've heard that even though it's designed for epileptics sometimes it can actually aggravate epilepsy....so maybe that's what triggered my mini-seizure? I have no clue, have an appointment with a doctor on Thursday, hope I don't have a stroke till then lol

LexieCat

Glad you have plans to see the doc. You might want to move up the appointment--is your doctor aware of this "attack"?

LaFemme

My sister used to suffer from a seizure disorder and what you experienced sounds like it might have been one. There are many types of seizures from Grand mal to partial. Seizures and a host in between. I am not familiar with the drug you are taking but I'm glad you are seeing your doctor

omegasupreme

Self medicating is probably not wise. I remember how well that used to work for me.

whenartdeparts

yeah, it was a big mistake to self-medicate myself 'cause even though it helped me with withdrawal, it caused more damage in the end.
and no unfortunately I can't move the appointment in the UK, it's actually a pain in the ass to get an appointment in the first place. and in the A&E, they can't help you with a lot either, unless you are literally dying.
not to mention that even when I go to the appointment with my GP, he wouldn't be able to give me sufficient advice, after all he's just a general practitioner, so he'll have to refer me to a neurologist or something....which would take at least a weak! argh, I wonder if any people have actually died because of such prolonged procedures!!! the health care system in the UK may be free but it's so ****** up and useless on so, so many levels!