ste

I was watching "Gone With the Wind" the other night when a scene struck me, the scene where Scarlet infuriates Rhett. Rhett rushes to the other room, grabs a crystal decanter and pours himself a really stiff one, slams it down and throws the empty glass at the huge portrait of Scarlet. Stimulus-Response, like an animal. I could imagine "the drop", when the whiskey flows to his stomach, warming his core, problems will soon be unimportant.
We're not animals (worse, were human, lol), animals have instinct and conditioning, we do to. With instinct and conditioning, or training, alone, you can only react to a stimulus. The response will be the same every time without different conditioning. We have something between Stimulus-Response, something unique to humans animals don’t have. Maybe it happened in the Garden of Eden, I don’t know. Between stimulus and response we have the freedom to choose. We have the ability respond. Responsibility, the ability to respond not just react. What comes between the stimulus and response is conscience, self-awareness, imagination, and free will.

Conscience tells us what’s right and wrong. If it’s not the same as instinct (we can argue the point), I think it is perfectly analogous. Imagination is the ability to create in our minds what is not in the present reality. Self-awareness is our image of ourselves, who and what we think we are. Free will is the ability to act, based on our self-awareness, free of other influences.
If the only buffer I had was conscience, no problem. I’d read all those "Just Say No" bumper stickers and say No! I never did like that campaign, don’t they understand, I can’t just say no.
My imagination allows my self-awareness to be distorted. I can imagine I’m more likeable when I’m drunk, or alcohol doesn’t affect my life, alcohol makes my problems go away, I’m an alcoholic because my mother rubbed scotch on my gums to keep me from crying when I was teething as an infant, etc. I can imagine, hence rationalize almost anything. Yes, I believe imagination is the culprit, but I wouldn’t be human without it.

Free will is the trump card, the veto. I don’t care what’s right, what I know, tired of arguing with myself, EF it, gimme that drink.
What do I think? I think I think too much. Need to listen to my (God given, HP given, innate?) conscience more. I can rationalize, and maybe it’s true, my conscience is my HP, or at least my link to HP. However it’s in a fog because of the rest of my mind, and at times, mind altering substances. I thought why not a "Relapse" forum, but I realized I couldn’t remember seeing any admissions for relapse, except for the ones who thought they were better (after "recovery"), tried drinking again, and subsequently altered their self image. Except one, because of convalescence, he was bored; refreshing honesty. Other’s, it’s don’t ask’, don’t tell. I think they would be embarrassed, because they already know (knew?) it was a lame excuse, rationalization, that led them to that drink. What, your cat died? Do you think your cat would want you to……..

Yes, this is all "book learning", and I think that is not enough. It takes faith to believe that I know what is right before I can even consider progressing. Who am I to think I know what’s right, I’ve made, admittedly, so many mistakes. I have to alter my self-awareness with each mistake, learn from other's mistakes and successes. With humility, recognize the need for change, however painful. Everybody has a threshold of pain, just bite what you can chew, one day at a time.

"I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor" Henry David Thoreau

Lushwell

Alcoholism is a true anomaly. The afflicted drinks to escape and become a prisoner.

Recovery is equally as bizarre. We win when we surrender.

I'm not aware of anyone who has achieved any type of meaningful victory over alcohol by thinking. Almost every case I'm familiar with has involved a course of action, beginning with abstaining from alcohol, developing a support network, cleaning up the wreckage of the past, and becoming soberly available for a future. And every single soul I know who has taken this path has had one thing in common with the others who have recovered....an uncommon amount of courage. They set aside what they thought and did what must be done. Each and every one of them will tell you their worst enemy was with them at all times throughout the process....right between their ears. If anything could undermine their efforts, trick them into quitting, to believe the lies that destroys hope, it was the messages from their own head.

In recovery, smart don't count for much.

SASA

if alcohol alters your mind, how can your mind realize alcohol is bad? It is a cycle, alcohol alters your mind so you do not realize it is altering and inhibits you from quitting.....
Therefore, only outside knowledge or HP can help you. Or alcohol glued the wrong circuits together and just for 1 second you realize and have a chance, until they get destroyed again......

LaFemme

Ste....you think too much

One of the first things I did when I got sober was I conditioned myself to gag at the thought of drinking alcohol. It took a lot of work to condition it to the point where it is now reflexive but its worked very well for me.

Its one case where I have used the mind as a tool in sobriety.

Its only one tool however....I've got a big box of them and add to them constantly.

SJTChiSox

Cannot outsmart addiction, god knows I tried and tried. I do know a few people that have been able to go back to moderate drinking but they are few. Most of us have to stay off to be able to live any type of life worth living.

I am a thinker by nature, and do not like it when others tell me not to think. But, when it comes to addiction and recovery, I don't know a dang thing.

ste

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I wrote this mainly to occupy my mind, do something besides drink. Also to get affirmation (if I was spiritually well, wouldn't need that) I have "analyzed this to death". You (plural, y'all) have helped me accept this.
I need more faith and acceptance, and of course support from those willling and able. Getting better every day with your help.
Can you share La Femme, how you conditioned yourself to gag at the thought of alcohol? Off hand I can think of only one unpleasant way. Please forgive my asking about something I deem so personal.

"The only stupid question, is the one you don't ask"

LaFemme

No problem at all and yes it is deeply unpleasant but then so is dying of drink!

About a week into sobriety I had to go to my parents for my dads birthday, a major trigger in my mind. The drive is about 5 hours...so I spent the majority of the drive remembering in detail how it felt to drink to the point of sickness. The way it tastes coming back up, the stomach spasms, clammy skin, burning throat, cold tile floor in the bathroom. Basically every wretched detail. Remember until I felt like I was going to be sick then take a break and go again. By the time I got to my parents and was offered a glass of wine the thought of drinking was repugnant...even the smell was repulsive to me. People on SR might remember me say how I would surreptitiously take a sniff of the wine/booze at the parents house that weekend and just keep reinforcing that association...alcohol=barf.

Throughout early recovery when ever I had a moment I would practices and when I had the occasional drinking thought I would consciously do this exercise.

At this point I don't have to make myself consciously practice...on the rare occasions I think about drinking I feel like being sick and immediately change my thoughts!!

It takes a lot of practice and discipline and I have an incredibly strong imagination which might help...but I find this particular tool very comforting.

That said, without the other work I am doing on my emotional and spiritual well being I don't think the gag reflex would be enough to keep me from drinking.

Hope no one was eating lunch while reading this

P.s. - I am not a naturally squeamish person (and didnt get sick from drinking often, strong constitution and all) so I had to work to conjure up the memory to the point I felt like it was going to happen (vomiting)...I think you have to bring the memory to that point because then the reaction is at a cellular level...if that makes sense

ste

Thanks LaFemme,
I think you (as an artist, and a good one) have a better imagination than me. I was imagining going to the bathroom with a few liters, or gallons, of vodka with my finger down my throat and potty training again! Your way is much better, I'll do it.

Hope nobody was eating lunch while reading this also!

Lushwell

No you don't. You need to stop drinking. The rest will fall into place.

Untoxicated

Thanks for the afternoon laugh LaFemme - you kickass.

(ste - I'm totally digging your new sig)

Che

I find the combination of psychology, literary criticism, and religion interesting. I'm well read in the former two and thank you for the post.

Sometimes it's difficult, being so interested in art, when you realise how often alcohol is used as a device for anything and everything. It always makes me happy though, when I see alcoholism being talked about in art in a meaningful way. It's usually a sad story, but at least it isn't pure romanticisation of it.

LaFemme

Ste....love your signature too:-)

Sticking the finger down the throat was usually necessary for me to throw up when I was drinking so that was part of my imagination process...had to make it as real as possible.

I'm glad you like my art...its for sale lol. :rotfxko

Che...I was thinking the other day about how still life's all have a bottle of wine in them...I never liked still life's anyway

Rez572

Thanks for sharing your tip LaFemme.

I'm definitely going to give this a go. It is so true that when we get a craving for a drink that we immediately think of the (supposedly) good times and never the many many bad things it did to us.