ste

Haven't been a member for long, but am starting to see a theme (or sub plot?). Rationalizing, of course we do. Parse words and argue semantics, of course we do. Why? I don't understand everything I know, but...

Nobody knows when I'm drunk, because they have never seen me sober.

I can fool psychologists because I've taken psychology courses.

I finish the bottle before my wife comes home; how could she know?

They don't fire me because they don't know (and I'm the best).

Fooling myself is the worst, but I can still do it!
Its not insanity, its Cognitive Dissonance, the "Commitee" which I would like to make a team.
I think this is why people need to get closer to their HP whatever they deem it to be. When you genuinely feel it, take heed, it can't fool you. You can't fool it.

ImReadyToQuit

You are just fooling yourself... Everybody knows.. But YOU.

ste

The point is I do know, and of course they do too.

CarolD

Welcome...

now that you do know...what are your plans for change?

Lushwell

So you are a flaming example of one of the blood chilling terms that describes alcoholism. Insidious.

American Heritage Dictionary: in·sid·i·ous

From Latin īnsidiōsus, from īnsidiae, ambush, from īnsidēre, to sit upon, lie in wait for.

adj.
Working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner:

Intended to entrap; treacherous:

Beguiling but harmful:

I seriously doubt anyone here is amazed by the ability of a practicing alcoholic to deceive. It is not a mark of intellectual exception; rather, it is an indicator of the psychological deterioration. It also may be indicative of deeper, more serious psychological issues masked and untreated as the result of self medication with alcohol.

I'm not sure the purpose or intent of the OP. We can waste precious time complimenting you on your bizarre symptomatology, [and living a life of deceiving all around you is, indeed, bizarre] or go to work arresting this disorder. Did you just throw this out there for idle conversation, or are you seeking some help?

*****

EDIT: I forgot the important part. The one you are fooling the best.....fooling to death....

looks back at you from the mirror.

ste

Thank you all for your comments, I must be a poor writer. The first part I wrote tongue in cheek. "You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all the time" P.T. Barnum, I believe.
Please let me try again.
I think it is the worst when you fool yourself. To prevent that, think it is most important to heed what your HP lets you know, not to rationalize it. It may not be convenient at the time, but will save you a lot of machinations and pain in the long run, and get easier with time.

ste

I would like to add, but don't know how to edit (yet):
I don't want to deceive anyone, that would be hurting myself.
To rationalize something is hurting myself.
I don't feel the HP as well under the influence.

TheSunAlsoRises

Well there are many options and paths for recovery. AA, Therapy, among many others... I hope you get some kind of plan in place, as you know active alcoholism is no way to live...

Much love,

Clayton

reggiewayne

I have been told Honesty is the cornerstone of our recovery. The bottom line is, we have to live with ourselves. When we lie, cut corners, operate in gray area, screw people over and get away with it, etc... we just hurt ourselves. We may not get into trouble, may not lose our job, may not get divorced, but on the inside we are dead. Today, I chose to live in the light (honestly) not because I am a dork, or do-gooder, or have a lot of guilt, I simply do it to protect me. Good things also come to others, but the first person helped is me.

I've lived like you are describing before and I hated myself. Never again!!!!

TTOSBT

Welcome ste.

So are you ready to surrender and choose a new way of life?
From your posts, I am unclear as to whether you have quit drinking.

yeahgr8

Yeah thats the problem...its you fooling you so how the hell does anyone suddenly stop fooling themselves...how would that work, the only way would be to disassociate you from you, the you that fools you i mean and that would be implying that you are a different you to you...now thats insane lol

Go to AA, it's great...you get free coffee and people who will say when both you's are talking BS and then tell you what to do about it...if our ego is a little on the large side we need that, i know i did...both of me!

LaFemme

Hi ste! I think living with the knowledge that I was hurting myself and not doing anything about it was the worst stage.

The biggest problem with anything online is that we can't perceive "tone" I think that's why we use so many of these darn Smiley faces

The edit button is only an option for about 15 minutes after you post. There will be an "edit" button in the lower right hand corner of your post.

I'm also a little confused...are you still drinking? What's your plan? Just curious

NYCDoglvr

How I fooled myself.

1. Came in the door of my home deciding to have one drink to "take the edge off"
2. I'm only going to drink today, this is the last time.
3. I've kept my drinking a secret.

DayTrader

Cool post STE. My experience here.... hitting bottom with alcohol was reeeeeally bad. Hitting bottom with the sort of stuff you wrote about was FAR worse.......but equally (if not more) important.

HP was an absolute MUST for me in that phase. No way I could have made it through .....sober........but it also took HP to pull me out of it once the lessons were learned. It was the most profound Spiritual Experience I've had in recovery yet.

Isaiah

I did a good job of fooling people too. Heck, I dated a girl for four months who never even suspected I was an alcoholic the whole time.

Part of it was pragmatic, if I fooled them I didn't have to pay the consequences. But I wasn't entirely selfish about it. Part of me lied about it because it was fantasy. I always wanted out, I wanted my life to be the life I presented to people.

Supercrew

I fooled everyone in my life for a long time, (bosses, clients, friends, family, fellow coaches), it took my wife to finally recognize and hold my feet to the fire to realize there was a big problem and it was only progressing. I got lucky because this happened about the same time the physical effects of the 4-5 days/nights a week of heavy drinking were starting to take their toll and the physical dependency was getting it's grip. I was already mentally addicted, and was completely obsessed with when I was gonna have the next drink.

The reason why it progressed to the point it did was because I was able to fool everybody, but as you build tolerance and a daily plan of how you are going to keep the charade going, it gets harder and harder to break the daily obsession. Keepiing the drunk train rolling became the biggest job in my life. As many in AA say, you sometimes have to hit your rock bottom, and as far as my finances I was doing better than ever, paying the bills, drunk, every month. I was winning coaching awards an championships with my youth sports teams, I wasn't even out of shape, being that I knew my wife would never think that I would be working out drunk at 4PM every couple of days and walking the dog 5 miles a day. Living such a lie for 3 years got me deeper than I ever thought possible. But I eventually realized that if I continued the way I was going I was gonna have to pay the piper. Luckily I came to my senses and found sobriety, and even got through a relatively small relapse with only a visit to the ER (which put a little more ammo in my recovery belt).

I think the ability to stay functional and fool the closest people around you might be one of the biggest factors to prolonging the drinking period and causing the full blown alcoholism to occur. All it would have taken for me to come to reality earlier would have been one big mistake, ie( DUI, job or income loss, jailtime, or just being outted as a drunkard). I'm lucky it just took some harsh words from my wife, a really bad withdrawal, a look in the mirror, and a visit to this website to help me realize I needed to get sober and stay sober.

ste

Quit drinking for the new year, no serious physical symptoms, but of course am still toxic. Eating well with lots of water.
There is no AA in this small town in Russia, besides, my russian is not yet fluent. All of you willing people out there will be my support group. My wife of course will help, she held my feet to the fire like Supercrew's. Am not kicking and screaming anymore, just twisting and turning as of yet.
To disassociate "me from me" I will keep learning (my coach tought me never say try(ing), your going to do it) to meditate. Have always wanted to, but the results were (and we know why) disappointing. Think thats important to get closer to the HP.
When I go to church I don't understand, maybe thats for the best, but the atmosphere calms me and I can reflect on my thoughts better.
Thats my plan, any suggestions or advice will be appreciated.

mercurial me

This is a great thread

The other thing you can't fool is your liver. I've created a whole lifestyle around trying to hide my alcoholism (with mixed results) but at the end of the day the liver can only filter out so much booze.

You can't fool your doctor when he calls you in to discuss your liver biopsy results. The proof is in the scarred tissue of your liver that will eventually fail

LaFemme

Ste...I love sitting in a church when I can't understand what they are saying..I think the Catholics made a mistake when they removed Latin from mass

Meditation is awesome but I don't do it enough. What type of coach are you referring to? I have a life coach. Yours sound like Yoda..."do or do not....there is no try."

****{MM}}}}

LaFemme

pinkfirefly

yea i get that man. trying to fool every one and getting away with it. i have gotten caught a bunch of times, but have fooled every one a bunch of other times as well. but really its nothing to take pride in. the only one you are hurting is yourself.