Question about friends in AA
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 147
Question about friends in AA
Ive been in AA for 7 months, working the program. Everything is going good. Meeting new friends, getting mental clarity, etc.
However, Ive became friends with a few people and we usually talk every day or every other day. But, in the last week, one of my friends that I became real close to wont call me back after I leave message or text. I really dont know what Im asking here right now, it just hurts my feelings and I wonder If I did or say something to offend this person.
I havnt seen this person at a meeting the last week either. I talked to a few people and this person isnt back using.
Anybody here have similiar experiences, and what did you do?
I guess Im having a pitty party. It just brings up old feelings when I was a kid at school and someone wouldnt be my friend anymore.
Poor poor Michael, lol. Man, I sound like a freaking baby. Guess I should put pen to paper and let it go.
I'f there is a problem, I just wish this person would tell me instead of me guessing.
Thanks,
Michael
However, Ive became friends with a few people and we usually talk every day or every other day. But, in the last week, one of my friends that I became real close to wont call me back after I leave message or text. I really dont know what Im asking here right now, it just hurts my feelings and I wonder If I did or say something to offend this person.
I havnt seen this person at a meeting the last week either. I talked to a few people and this person isnt back using.
Anybody here have similiar experiences, and what did you do?
I guess Im having a pitty party. It just brings up old feelings when I was a kid at school and someone wouldnt be my friend anymore.
Poor poor Michael, lol. Man, I sound like a freaking baby. Guess I should put pen to paper and let it go.
I'f there is a problem, I just wish this person would tell me instead of me guessing.
Thanks,
Michael
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Oh yes. I have dealt with these thoughts before. I did some therapy and got some pretty good advice that has helped me to deal.
What are the facts that you know? 1. They aren't returning calls. 2. Reports are they aren't using.
My advice would be just to stick with those facts that you have at hand. Otherwise you wind up doing that which I am/was the Grand Emperor of doing, which is trying to develop facts that corresponded to the way I was feeling. Often in my case, as it seems in yours, it was the fear of rejection.
It might be obvious, but it's an obvious that is often hard for some to grasp, the reality of what is going on with your friend is happening regardless of whether or not you feel like you've been rejected. Maybe he/she is rejecting you, maybe they are just exceptionally busy, maybe they've been kidnapped by aliens. Just wait for facts to come in and don't let your feelings mislead you into believing scenarios you don't know.
Possibly they are like me. I have a tendency to sort of fall off the map a lot, and scare the crap out of my AA friends.
What are the facts that you know? 1. They aren't returning calls. 2. Reports are they aren't using.
My advice would be just to stick with those facts that you have at hand. Otherwise you wind up doing that which I am/was the Grand Emperor of doing, which is trying to develop facts that corresponded to the way I was feeling. Often in my case, as it seems in yours, it was the fear of rejection.
It might be obvious, but it's an obvious that is often hard for some to grasp, the reality of what is going on with your friend is happening regardless of whether or not you feel like you've been rejected. Maybe he/she is rejecting you, maybe they are just exceptionally busy, maybe they've been kidnapped by aliens. Just wait for facts to come in and don't let your feelings mislead you into believing scenarios you don't know.
Possibly they are like me. I have a tendency to sort of fall off the map a lot, and scare the crap out of my AA friends.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
For me...i have one friend in AA and that is my sponsor, the relationship turned into a friendship...the definition of a friend is someone who wants to spend time with you no matter what you are both doing, i.e. it's not based on any externals...it could be watching paint dry but the experience would be fun because of the person you were with...
My perception was pretty messed up when i got to AA...i thought no-one wanted to be my friend, truth was i never let anyone be my friend but that's a different story, and when people started invited me to coffees and hanging out after meetings i thought i had friends at last and i had similar experiences to you and they hurt a lot!
What i am trying to say is that you will have recovery "friends" who are extremely important but they are conditional friends...new recovery "friends" will come in and out of your life and thats ok...
Lower your expectations and try and see what is really going on...it's nothing personal and remember you are powerless over people, places and things so yes you might want to talk to your sponsor about this as it can't but help:-)
My perception was pretty messed up when i got to AA...i thought no-one wanted to be my friend, truth was i never let anyone be my friend but that's a different story, and when people started invited me to coffees and hanging out after meetings i thought i had friends at last and i had similar experiences to you and they hurt a lot!
What i am trying to say is that you will have recovery "friends" who are extremely important but they are conditional friends...new recovery "friends" will come in and out of your life and thats ok...
Lower your expectations and try and see what is really going on...it's nothing personal and remember you are powerless over people, places and things so yes you might want to talk to your sponsor about this as it can't but help:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 214
All one can do is 'surmise' really.
But as an alcoholic, we tend to take things so 'personally' some times, and often it is not always about 'me'.
Chances are, 'other' people may not have been receiving callbacks from this person as well for some reason.
All you can do is wait till you see the person at a meeting again and inquire as to why. If you know of nothing you have done to offend them, then there is nothing to be concerned about.
But over the years, I have come to not put too much expectation on people even in AA. I do have much faith in the program itself however. People are always going to disappoint us if we allow them to.
I have a feeling, given time, you will learn your answer, and I wouldn't be surprised you that you will turn out relieved it had nothing to do with you at all.
I learned that 'projecting' is causing oneself to deal with the same situation 'twice'.
Glad you are involved in recovery and stay with it.
But as an alcoholic, we tend to take things so 'personally' some times, and often it is not always about 'me'.
Chances are, 'other' people may not have been receiving callbacks from this person as well for some reason.
All you can do is wait till you see the person at a meeting again and inquire as to why. If you know of nothing you have done to offend them, then there is nothing to be concerned about.
But over the years, I have come to not put too much expectation on people even in AA. I do have much faith in the program itself however. People are always going to disappoint us if we allow them to.
I have a feeling, given time, you will learn your answer, and I wouldn't be surprised you that you will turn out relieved it had nothing to do with you at all.
I learned that 'projecting' is causing oneself to deal with the same situation 'twice'.
Glad you are involved in recovery and stay with it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 147
Wow, alot of good stuff so quick. Thanks so much for the replys.
It's so awesome to have this site to go to. I'll stick to the facts and let it go.
I guess I have to much expectations. I need to work on that. I don't think I would leave someone hanging in the dark, however, maybe I would.
Thanks again and more replys to this thread are greatly appreciated,
Michael
It's so awesome to have this site to go to. I'll stick to the facts and let it go.
I guess I have to much expectations. I need to work on that. I don't think I would leave someone hanging in the dark, however, maybe I would.
Thanks again and more replys to this thread are greatly appreciated,
Michael
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
I find myself needing to read this from time to time (From page 449 in the Big Book-1at Edition)
Acceptance
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Acceptance
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Last edited by CarolD; 01-05-2011 at 07:25 AM. Reason: added source per SR Guideline
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
I think to have "friends" you have to start first by being friends with yourself.....something I wasn't good at until this past year........Be friends with yourself..treat your self kindly,with respect...etc...and the rest will fall into place.....
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Originally Posted by ZZworldontheweb 
deleting this post because it basically repeated what somebody else said!
Why say this? Let it go. I didnt know there was another post,
Michael
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by michael35209
I'f there is a problem, I just wish this person would tell me instead of me guessing.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
What's great about this post is the honesty, in spite of the EGO.
Michael - you're way ahead of a lot of folks just by this post.
...and heck yeah I've felt that way, 100 times and then more. I feel that way about my non AA friends sometimes too. What's funny is that most of the time, it's nothing and I make a big deal out of, well, nothing.
In my opinion, it's normal and maybe even expected.
The "trick" is to feel ok about yourself, no matter what is going on in your life or at least to know how to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner.
Keep posting and keep up the good work.
Kjell
Michael - you're way ahead of a lot of folks just by this post.
...and heck yeah I've felt that way, 100 times and then more. I feel that way about my non AA friends sometimes too. What's funny is that most of the time, it's nothing and I make a big deal out of, well, nothing.
In my opinion, it's normal and maybe even expected.
The "trick" is to feel ok about yourself, no matter what is going on in your life or at least to know how to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner.
Keep posting and keep up the good work.
Kjell
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Posts: 147
Originally Posted by Boleo
I have seen this TOO MANY times myself. It is typical of someone who has relapsed or is planing to relapse.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
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Did they crawl out of the woodwork yet? Or are they still playing hide-and-go-seek?
As it happens a very good friend of mine has sort of fallen off the map as well. It's pretty disappointing because I am moving soon and I would like to see this guy before I go. He was one of the first people I got to know in the program and put so much good wisdom in my head. But I guess I have to figure that the most important thing is that we had a good friendship for several years in the program and I don't need a good-bye speech to confirm anything.
As it happens a very good friend of mine has sort of fallen off the map as well. It's pretty disappointing because I am moving soon and I would like to see this guy before I go. He was one of the first people I got to know in the program and put so much good wisdom in my head. But I guess I have to figure that the most important thing is that we had a good friendship for several years in the program and I don't need a good-bye speech to confirm anything.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi Michael-- sorry you are feeling this. Please remember your friend may have a lot going on and this isn't necessarily personal. Sometimes I get stuck thinking that way, but I try to keep things in perspective -- everyone has their own stuff going on and it's not all about me nor should it be
Ozone Ranger
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dazed and confused
Posts: 138
Allow me the bandwidth to share an observation from a seasoned position. Your buddy pulled a Houdini on you. Avoidance is a learned technique the chemically dependent excel at. While bizarre, it works as a means of dealing with things, 'specially things we don't want to deal with. Why risk an uncomfortable situation when you can avoid it? And so there you are.
The why is unknown except to the one doing the avoiding in this case. I have pulled that on people in recovery. I wasn't using. One time, I was out running with a woman I had no business being with. I knew for a fact nobody I knew in recovery would support what I was up to. So I did the predictable alcy thing. I avoided anyone who might call me on my activity. I went to meetings where nobody would pin me down. I had all the answers, all my bases covered. I was sober. Going to meetings. Branching out, you might say. "Getting bored with the same ol' same ol'. That's why I haven't been around much. See ya later".
These kinds of entanglements have been the road to ruin for many of us, and I was no exception. A few of the well meaning people in recovery came together and hunted me down. I told them I resented the intrusion. I was told that they cared more about whether I lived or died, than if I liked them or not. And that I was free to do as I please. They were only there to determine the status of their investment, and how to proceed.
That was an eye opener. I hadn't considered myself an investment. They had time and effort in me, and were trying to determine if I required more time and effort, or if they needed to move on to more productive prospects. I apologized, and took my place back at the meetings. Maintained my network. Became a part of, rather than apart from.
Today, I am grateful there were people there who didn't stand by and watch me drift away.
The why is unknown except to the one doing the avoiding in this case. I have pulled that on people in recovery. I wasn't using. One time, I was out running with a woman I had no business being with. I knew for a fact nobody I knew in recovery would support what I was up to. So I did the predictable alcy thing. I avoided anyone who might call me on my activity. I went to meetings where nobody would pin me down. I had all the answers, all my bases covered. I was sober. Going to meetings. Branching out, you might say. "Getting bored with the same ol' same ol'. That's why I haven't been around much. See ya later".
These kinds of entanglements have been the road to ruin for many of us, and I was no exception. A few of the well meaning people in recovery came together and hunted me down. I told them I resented the intrusion. I was told that they cared more about whether I lived or died, than if I liked them or not. And that I was free to do as I please. They were only there to determine the status of their investment, and how to proceed.
That was an eye opener. I hadn't considered myself an investment. They had time and effort in me, and were trying to determine if I required more time and effort, or if they needed to move on to more productive prospects. I apologized, and took my place back at the meetings. Maintained my network. Became a part of, rather than apart from.
Today, I am grateful there were people there who didn't stand by and watch me drift away.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Originally Posted by michael35209
Screw that, Im not planning or going to relaspe over some dumb ass **** like a friend not calling me back
I got my feelings hurt over folks in the beginning and still occasionally do. I recently had a friend de-friend me on facebook because I was too close to the guy she is dating in some pics taken at a recovery function. I had to ask myself if my side of the street was clean and it is, so...I let it go. To confront her would not be helpful to her recovery or mine. Therefore, I can let go and let her do what she needs to do. But really? We are grown women, not in high school.
I am very careful to keep my boundaries in and out of the rooms. My sobriety is too important to let drama interfere with it. This recovery deal is life and death with me. I take it very seriously and make my relationship choices based on what is best for my recovery.
My advice? Stick with the winners. That is the people you see working a recovery program that you want. Never forget that the rooms are not a hotel for the healthy but a haven for the sick. Oh yeah and it is not always about you.
Best to you on your journey as you trudge the road to happy destiny.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 147
Originally Posted by Isaiah
Did they crawl out of the woodwork yet? Or are they still playing hide-and-go-seek?
As it happens a very good friend of mine has sort of fallen off the map as well. It's pretty disappointing because I am moving soon and I would like to see this guy before I go. He was one of the first people I got to know in the program and put so much good wisdom in my head. But I guess I have to figure that the most important thing is that we had a good friendship for several years in the program and I don't need a good-bye speech to confirm anything.
As it happens a very good friend of mine has sort of fallen off the map as well. It's pretty disappointing because I am moving soon and I would like to see this guy before I go. He was one of the first people I got to know in the program and put so much good wisdom in my head. But I guess I have to figure that the most important thing is that we had a good friendship for several years in the program and I don't need a good-bye speech to confirm anything.
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