Made a mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Made a mess
Where to start...42 years old...divorced 5 years...3 kids...alcoholic. There I said it!
I went to rehab for 30 days in July2009. I had a quick descent from rarely drinking for most of my adult life...to post divorce drinking a few glasses of wine every night for a few years (supplemented by pot smoking)...to round the clock drinking that landed me in detox/rehab (3 weeks or so of that madness). All through this I've managed to keep my career in medical sales.
Ended a 3 year horrible relationship while I was in rehab. Post rehab...meetings meetings meetings. Started practicing yoga again and got my 200 hr yoga teaching cert.
Met "J" early 2010. At that point, I considered my dating life 'closed for business'. Well, that didn't last long and we started dating in April 2010. He's a police officer by the way.
I didn't tell him right away about the rehab thing...and he isn't much of a drinker so it wasn't a big deal that I didn't. It started with an occasional glass of wine with dinner. Soon, I was hiding my drinking from him, and apparently I was quite good at it. By previous standards, I wasn't drinking a lot (1/4 to 1/2 pint of vodka a day)...yet still drinking/ hiding. This went on for 3 months or so until after an argument I came clean.
This was 6 weeks or so ago. During this time, he's struggled with the betrayal of me not coming clean about rehab (and WHY I went....I told him it was for the pot because my addict brain knew if I told him drinking, I'd never be able to have that wine in his presence)...and of course the hiding.
We got in a fight a week ago about something small...which turned into him re-thinking everything...my betrayal, etc...and he ended our relationship.
He is a GOOD man. Jeez did I mess this up. I haven't been drinking since I came clean...but that isn't enough to fix this. We are still talking a lot but I'm pretty sure I've ruined it for good. I keep trying to explain that this wasn't an intentional betrayal but it falls on deaf ears i might as well have cheated on him and robbed him blind. I guess I can see it from his perspective - too much work. At the same time the rejection and 'not being worth it' plays right into the insecurities that are pretty much the core of my addiction. ARGH so hard.
At this point all I can do is worry about staying sober and working on myself....I am so disgusted with myself at the moment all I can do is sit in bed and cry.
I have an appointment with an inegrative medicine therapist (east meets west if you will) next tues (with a background in addiction therapy). I'm hoping he has some insight but in the interim, any advice for me? Any advice on how to fix my relationship?
I will add that my job is going well...I'm very physically active..health is good...kids are doing great...somehow I didn't make a total disaster.
I just feel like such a failure right now.
I went to rehab for 30 days in July2009. I had a quick descent from rarely drinking for most of my adult life...to post divorce drinking a few glasses of wine every night for a few years (supplemented by pot smoking)...to round the clock drinking that landed me in detox/rehab (3 weeks or so of that madness). All through this I've managed to keep my career in medical sales.
Ended a 3 year horrible relationship while I was in rehab. Post rehab...meetings meetings meetings. Started practicing yoga again and got my 200 hr yoga teaching cert.
Met "J" early 2010. At that point, I considered my dating life 'closed for business'. Well, that didn't last long and we started dating in April 2010. He's a police officer by the way.
I didn't tell him right away about the rehab thing...and he isn't much of a drinker so it wasn't a big deal that I didn't. It started with an occasional glass of wine with dinner. Soon, I was hiding my drinking from him, and apparently I was quite good at it. By previous standards, I wasn't drinking a lot (1/4 to 1/2 pint of vodka a day)...yet still drinking/ hiding. This went on for 3 months or so until after an argument I came clean.
This was 6 weeks or so ago. During this time, he's struggled with the betrayal of me not coming clean about rehab (and WHY I went....I told him it was for the pot because my addict brain knew if I told him drinking, I'd never be able to have that wine in his presence)...and of course the hiding.
We got in a fight a week ago about something small...which turned into him re-thinking everything...my betrayal, etc...and he ended our relationship.
He is a GOOD man. Jeez did I mess this up. I haven't been drinking since I came clean...but that isn't enough to fix this. We are still talking a lot but I'm pretty sure I've ruined it for good. I keep trying to explain that this wasn't an intentional betrayal but it falls on deaf ears i might as well have cheated on him and robbed him blind. I guess I can see it from his perspective - too much work. At the same time the rejection and 'not being worth it' plays right into the insecurities that are pretty much the core of my addiction. ARGH so hard.
At this point all I can do is worry about staying sober and working on myself....I am so disgusted with myself at the moment all I can do is sit in bed and cry.
I have an appointment with an inegrative medicine therapist (east meets west if you will) next tues (with a background in addiction therapy). I'm hoping he has some insight but in the interim, any advice for me? Any advice on how to fix my relationship?
I will add that my job is going well...I'm very physically active..health is good...kids are doing great...somehow I didn't make a total disaster.
I just feel like such a failure right now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi jmmiami
Welcome to SR
My gut feeling is as long as you're still talking there's a chance, y'know?
You're right tho - your focus should be on staying sober and working on yourself - you'll have nothing without that...
I know you'll find a lot of support here
D
Welcome to SR
My gut feeling is as long as you're still talking there's a chance, y'know?
You're right tho - your focus should be on staying sober and working on yourself - you'll have nothing without that...
I know you'll find a lot of support here
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
You mentioned meetings...I'm guessing AA
if so.....
beginning my Step work shifted me from often
shakey sobreity into solid recovery....
Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...
if so.....
beginning my Step work shifted me from often
shakey sobreity into solid recovery....
Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
thanks for the warm welcome:)
Yes, talking is good. Trying oh so hard not to do exactly the thing that I do which is push and manipulate it's killing me to let him set the pace!
Meetings - ah meetings. I will say what I've heard a bazillion times from others - they don't do a lot for me. That said, I sure wasn't drinking when I went I also didn't work steps..didn't have a good sponsor...so it's more likely I just wasn't doing what I should have.
I appreciate your replies!
Meetings - ah meetings. I will say what I've heard a bazillion times from others - they don't do a lot for me. That said, I sure wasn't drinking when I went
I also didn't work steps..didn't have a good sponsor...so it's more likely I just wasn't doing what I should have.I appreciate your replies!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 144
You said, "I keep trying to explain that this wasn't an intentional betrayal."
But, from what I read, it was completely intentional. You said you wanted to keep drinking so you did the whole "sin of omission" thing.
But you ARE still talking, which is a good thing, as Dee pointed out.
My gut reaction is that you both have to fall into a deeper friendship where the truth is easy...and how you get there is obvious. From experience, though, I can say that the truth may set you free, but the damage to your relationship may be done, and you may very well have to pick up the pieces, say "what's done is done," keep your faith, and accept the fall-out.
If not the romance of your dreams, it could be an awesome friendship.
But, from what I read, it was completely intentional. You said you wanted to keep drinking so you did the whole "sin of omission" thing.
But you ARE still talking, which is a good thing, as Dee pointed out.
My gut reaction is that you both have to fall into a deeper friendship where the truth is easy...and how you get there is obvious. From experience, though, I can say that the truth may set you free, but the damage to your relationship may be done, and you may very well have to pick up the pieces, say "what's done is done," keep your faith, and accept the fall-out.
If not the romance of your dreams, it could be an awesome friendship.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
Welcome to the family.
Yes, do stay sober and work on yourself. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be. Take good care of yourself in the meantime and concentrate on getting healthy again.
Yes, do stay sober and work on yourself. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be. Take good care of yourself in the meantime and concentrate on getting healthy again. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
First off my heart breaks for you...It really sucks that you lost someone special due to your drinking. I didn't loose someone due to my drinking but can remember the pain in her eye's when I would relapse and try to hide it from her but she always knew I had been drinking.
In my opinion at this point all you can do is focus on your sobriety. Maybe you will get him back and maybe you won't. If you continue to drink you will have no chance of saving the relationship and also risk messing things up with the next one.
I'm not new to sobriety but relatively new to AA. I will say going to meetings are very helpful even if they don't seem like it. Sometimes it just takes one person to say a "nugget" of information that leaves me feeling better about my sobriety. Once again I am sorry to hear your on the verge of loosing someone but happy to hear that your working on not drinking!
In my opinion at this point all you can do is focus on your sobriety. Maybe you will get him back and maybe you won't. If you continue to drink you will have no chance of saving the relationship and also risk messing things up with the next one.
I'm not new to sobriety but relatively new to AA. I will say going to meetings are very helpful even if they don't seem like it. Sometimes it just takes one person to say a "nugget" of information that leaves me feeling better about my sobriety. Once again I am sorry to hear your on the verge of loosing someone but happy to hear that your working on not drinking!
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Just a shot in the dark but maybe someone with a substance addiction problem is a deal-breaker for him? Everything else could be perfect except for that. Could be that in his life and profession he's seen all the heartache that goes along with it.
Ask him if anything can be done to fix the problem. If not, move on.
Acceptance of what is.
BTW, I'm recently divorced and have a ton of good things going for me. But if my drinking history and AA membership scares some women away, cest la vie. My sobriety comes first because without it, I have nothing.
best wishes!
Ask him if anything can be done to fix the problem. If not, move on.
Acceptance of what is.
BTW, I'm recently divorced and have a ton of good things going for me. But if my drinking history and AA membership scares some women away, cest la vie. My sobriety comes first because without it, I have nothing.
best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Welcome Miami!
I wish I could add some words of wisdom..but my ex husband drank. Alot. All the time..I am not sure if I drank to be able to stand him..or if I was a drinker from the get go. Now that I typed this out I think it was both! But he sucked the life out of me..I used our demise to get sober..it took me awhile to jump start it..but I am on a roll with sobriety now. And may I add..loving every minute of it.
I wish you well. Glad you found us!
I wish I could add some words of wisdom..but my ex husband drank. Alot. All the time..I am not sure if I drank to be able to stand him..or if I was a drinker from the get go. Now that I typed this out I think it was both! But he sucked the life out of me..I used our demise to get sober..it took me awhile to jump start it..but I am on a roll with sobriety now. And may I add..loving every minute of it.
I wish you well. Glad you found us!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
