franie

Hi everyone. Am in the UK and have been awake most of the night. Spent the day with family yesterday and could hardly function by the end of the day - did not drink but was so tempted. My father sexually abused me up until I was 15 (only finished because he died) and my mother goes on and on about what a great dad and husband he was (my sister also engages in this). My husband knows about my childhood but his family do not - they just see me getting more and more withdrawn and snappy - oh how I wish I could just shout "he was an evil b*****d" - I can't - my mother is in her 80s and I have no idea if she really knew (I am terrified that she did and did nothing). I am crying as I write this - the pain is almost unbearable, drink made it bearable but I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY. I used to think that I could not face these problems without a drink - I know that I can but I also know that it is going to be a long difficult road and just right now I am indulging in a little self pity.

Lenina

franie,

I'm really glad you posted rather than drink. I am also a recovering alcoholic and recently finished my third year of sobriety. Are you getting any counseling regarding the abuse? If not, please consider it. That's a large burden to carry alone. Please know for right now, I'm sending my best thoughts your way.

Love,

Lenina

artsoul

I'm so sorry you're hurting, franie - that kind of abuse is a huge weight to carry around. I agree with Lenina that it would be really wonderful to get help dealing with it.

Good for you for staying sober and for getting through such an emotional time. Thanks for posting, too - if you can get through this, a lot of others will be inspired that they can too.:ghug3

franie

Lenina and Art - many thanks for your kind thoughts. I am getting help with the abuse - have been for over a year now. Have a great therapist who I am completely honest with. On days like yesterday it seems that all the therapy in the world will not make a blind bit of difference to how I feel when I am in the company of my family. I, of course, know that this is not the case and most days I cope well and don't even think of how my father made me feel. I suppose I need to come to terms with the bad days and accept that they will make an appearance now and then and that I can cope without drinking. I did it yesterday and that was my first real test. I have the love and support of a great husband, daughters and a special friend who I would be lost without - I think that I should count my blessings and not think about what I cannot change - just sometimes I am that scared young girl who is terrified and has no control over what is going to happen. But I know that it is time to take control and not let my past ruin my future.

findingt

Hi franie, welcome, happy to read u didn't drink.

I understand quite well where you're coming from, I went through the same thing as a kid and used alcohol to drown all the pain and resentment the abuse brought on. I decided it was time to heal though, I couldn't carry that burden any longer cus I was committing a slow painful suicide with alcohol.

Lately, I've been reminding myself that I'm no longer that little girl that was powerless, that I'm all grown up and I can take care of myself and don't need to rely on someone else to protect me, I find it comforting. Things do get better, hugs

~T

ZZworldontheweb

Feel free to vent, that's what we're here for.

If those thoughts start getting really dark though, re-direct them in another direction. No reason to let yourself get too morose, that can be risky.

Regarding your history of abuse, have you talked to anyone about it like a minister or a counselor? It can be very cathartic to spill things like this to a completely neutral party who will just listen without judging or offering TOO MUCH advice. Might only take once.

franie

ZZ do see a therapist weekly and it does help most of the time - yesterday was just one of those days when it did not. I am great at thinking things through and am really good at knowing that "I am not to blame", "that drinking will not solve my problems" - trick is feeling that theses things are true - real trick is doing this when I am with my mother and sister. However, I am a lot more positive right now - I suppose days like yesterday, if you can get through them without drinking, only make you realise that you can deal with things. My father was mean, cruel, voilent and a bully but I will not give him the power to control my life any longer.

Many thanks to all who have posted in reply.

Nyte Byrd

I know you are not alone, and through counseling, others have received relief who have suffered the same.
And from reading the previous commments, it sounds like you are getting help in that area.

And I know being around those family situations are not always easy to contend with.

Self-pity, once being my old forte that fed my own addiction, I can identify with what you have expressed.

It was some of the stories I heard in AA meetings, that would pull me into them, as if I was the character in the tale, and by the end, I realized, maybe things didn't have to be as bad after all.

This one is about the Cross Room. I hope it helps you, as much as it did me.

One day, poor Joe is once again complaining about the cross he bears in life.
So God sends an angel to let him trade in his cross for another one.


The angel takes poor Joe to the Cross Room, where Joe sees many other crosses. There were large ones, medium ones, small ones....but poor Joe spots this one tiny cross almost hidden behind a table. He points to that one and tells the angel he wants that one instead of the one he had.

So the angel looks at God a little perplexed, and God tells the angel to give it to him.

When he sends him back with the tiny cross, the angels tells God he is confused and asks him, "Why did you send him back with the same cross You took from him?"

franie

Nyte - very true. Many thanks.

jamdls

Hi Franie, glad you didn't drink. I to was molested and abused by my father until I was about 17 and it only ended because I left home and didn't return for many many years. I drank to forget and to numb the pain only as time went on the drinking seemed to intensify the memories and the pain. My mother did know of the abuse because I told her when I was around 15 and she scolded me for saying "such terrible things", she did not protect me. 3 yrs ago my mother died and I had to sit around and hear all my siblings talk about what a wonderful loving person she was....I suspect they had a different mother than I. In the last 3 yrs (I got sober just 5 months before the mother died) I've learned to forgive both of my parents, I don't condone what they did but I do forgive them and forgiving them finally set me free from the pain, the forgiveness of them healed me. My father has been sober for 25+ yrs and in the past 3 yrs he has become my biggest support in sobriety and also my best friend (he lives in a different state but we talk at least weekly and often more), the past is past. My road to forgiveness took me over 30 yrs with a lot of destruction along the way, I believe that if I had not been "self medicating" with booze all those years that the forgiveness would have come much sooner. I had an awful childhood, like lots of people, that I couldn't control, but I was responsible for destroying my own adult life and burying myself in booze, thankfully I finally chose to forgive. I wish you peace.

franie

Jamdis. Many thanks for your kind post.

I am not yet at the stage of forgivness for my mother, but I do hope that I am starting on that path - have forgiven myself and that has helped a lot. However when it comes to my father, I hate and will always hate him. Forgivness is not an option for me and it never will be. He abused my trust, my body and my childhood and having three daughters myself will never see that as forgivable. I have only been dealing with this in therapy for a year and you never know but I may one day be able to forgive - but I do doubt that very much.

jamdls

Franie, good for you for forgiving yourself, that was the toughest for me. I pray that some day you can stop hating even if you can't forgive, the hate will only harm you.

iloveme

Hurting people, hurt people. I imagine this seems so cliche' coming from a complete stranger but everyone of us here "get's it." You have to sense a certain amount of pain to appreciate joy, you have to go thru darkness to have gratitude for the light.

franie

Jam - yep I do get where you are coming from - hate is destructive even if it is directed towards somebody who certainly deserves it. I hope that one day I can think of may father with nothing more than indifferance - that is certainly more than he deserves. For today I am grateful that my memories of him did not drive me to drink again.

franie

Just to thank you all for your kind words. Today is another day and a much better day. Feel truly positive.

franie

PS - used my first smilie face. The things that bring us joy can be so small. Just had to fight the temptation of using a second!!!!

artsoul

haha - I love it!

glad you're having a good day so far!!

ZZworldontheweb

Good for you! Remember this feeling if you start getting down again. Realize the low spots are only temporary.