goldengirl3

How invasive is it? Can someone please tell me? I have been going to AA but am afraid to get a sponsor.

Kjell

Absolutly wonderful. I'm not saying it's easy, but I simply couldn't think well for myself and once I realized I had been lying to myself for sooo long, it made perfect sense to let someone else help me to think for a bit.

...and of course to walk me through the 12 steps of AA so I can have a spiritual experience and recover from my alcoholism.

Slowly, I got better. I still call him everyday, just to check in. I also check in with him before making any important decisions and so far, it's worked out great.

Now I'm ready to be a sponsor. What a great program!

ANGELINA243

A sponsor is simply someone to help you work through the 12 steps. It is another alcoholic in recovery that has previously worked through them with a sponsor. They are there to help guide you through the Steps sharing their own personal experience, strength, and hope. Just ask someone in your group. At some meetings they ask that those that are available and willing to sponsor someone to raise their hand for the newcomer. I picked someone in whom I saw qualities I wanted, plus I could really relate to what I heard her share in meetings. I wanted what she had. I asked her to sponsor me--she said "Yes". She took me through the 12 steps.

goldengirl3

What if your evenings are spent in depressive misery for hours on end and you spend the whole evening trying not to drink.... I don't want to take on a sponsor and be a drain on someone.

Boleo

Don't think of it as "a drain" on anybody. I know it does not make much sense, but sponsors take on sponcee's to help with their own sobriety. It seems "sense of purpose" is a big part of staying sober and nothing so much ensures sobriety as working with others.

Kjell

That's not how it works.

That's also even more reason for you to get a sponsor.

Go for it. Do something different - something, anything, everything.

sunrise1

I did not begin to grow or even "get it" until I got my sponsor. It was like I had spent 9 months in AA as a tourist. If the fit is good, there won't be any complications like what you mentioned; If you develop a good rapport, your sponsor will do what s/he should do: take you through the first 164 pages of the BB with a fine toothed comb, and you will go through the 12 steps as a result.

Keep in mind that there are good sponsors and not so good ones... there are good fits and bad fits. If you feel like it's not working for you, speak up gently and keep your eye out for someone who seems to match your personality better.

Getting a sponsor was the second best thing I did about my drinking.

ellis

If it is a good sponsor you won't be a drain on her. You do not have that power. Everyone is in contorl of their own feelings. Try asking someone you liked when hearing her share. You may ask for her to be a temporary sponser. Take your time in what you share with her, and remember she is also on the other side of the relationship. She has to learn to trust you as well as you have to learn to trust her. You will get out of it as much as you put into it.

johndelko408

I don't find my sponsor to be invasive at all. A sponsor is almost like a guide. They help you work through your steps. They answer questions for you when they are able to, meaning there are going to be things a sponsor may not know the answer for. They're alcoholics not God. It's also someone you can call when you need to talk. You have to be able to trust your sponsor otherwise the relationship will not work out.

It's good that you're going to meetings, but the meetings alone won't keep you sober. You need a sponsor and you need to work the steps. Working the steps IMO helps you to learn who you are, learn what your issues are and how to get through life without picking up a drink.

Just a little piece of advice. When looking for a sponsor, look for someone who possesses qualities you would like for yourself, someone who has what you want. When I say this I don't mean materialistic and tangible things, but qualities, personality, characteristics and of course sobriety. Good luck and I wish you well on your continued path of recovery.

Dime

All the more reasons to have a sponsor. You don't want to be alone and isolate. Talking to someone who understands is very helpful.

As a sponsor I am used to working with all types of people that have all types of problems. It comes with the territory. When I started the program I had tons of problems and I am glad that I had a sponsor that had been there before, was understanding and gave me the hope that I needed.

The process of working the steps taught me how to deal with the problems that were driving me crazy.

Recovery is so much easier when we accept help.

sleepie

I had a sponsor once who was a bit conflicted in what she said vs. what she did... She also said "Maybe you're not done drinking"... Kind of turned me off, but that's just me.

bellakeller

Was she right? I had a sponsor who said that to me as well. Boy, was SHE right! Kind of hastened my bottom, though, and helped me get sober sooner than I probably would have on my own.

I've had four sponsors in two years of AA. The first two, I was totally unsponsorable (read: unwilling, unteachable, not humble and not listening). I fired both. I was fired by the next because I wasn't putting sobriety first but she helped me move mountains in my life that I thought were permanent. I grew leap years because of this person. I love my current sponsor, though I am in danger of being fired because I am not working the steps as quickly as she thinks I need to be. I do call her every day and see her at least twice a week.

yeahgr8

Sponsors try and allocate their time to people that are wanting to recover and willing to do the work...it is a judgement call on their part as to whether someone is ready or not but if a sponsee fails to do what is asked of them then it makes the whole sponsor/sponsee relationship redundant...

The amount of time i wasted with bursts of abstinance whilst not making any internal changes to be able to maintain sobriety is crazy...that coupled with the delusion that one day i might be able to drink normally and my not accepting i was an alcoholic (substance abuser...whatever you want to call it) meant that the route to recovery was a longer one that perhaps it may have been...so yeah if someone isn't done drinking, then they're not done drinking short of locking them in asylums, like they used to do, no-one can make them stop....

As to the OP there are some great posts so far and if it's recovery from alcoholism that you are looking for i would recommend getting a sponsor asap and starting doing the work on the steps:-)

Kjell

Asking someone, especially an alcoholic in AA, if they're done drinking is perfectly ok.

Isn't that sort of the point? To quit drinking? Why wouldn't that be asked?

sleepie

Nope. Did not work for me. I did as she asked- she just wasn't really... there, I guess. Anyway, it's not like sponsors are gods- they are just as flawed as anyone else. And there can be bad sponsors. I think I got one.

onlythetruth

Right. Sponsors are not god. And there can be bad sponsors.

When I was in AA, one of the few positives for me (generally I did not like AA) was my sponsor. She was kind, generous with her time, nondirective and very supportive. She is still a close friend, although I am no longer a member of AA. Truth be told, she supported my departure. She knew that AA was a bad philosophical fit for me and that I was better off without it.

However, my own experience with sponsorship is not universal. I have known sponsors to be extremely controlling, even abusive, to their sponsees: using them for social connections, money, running errands, controlling every aspect of their lives, telling them to stop taking medications for mental illness, etc. Obviously, this is something to be avoided.

That's why I say that for those who want to utilize AA, getting a sponsor is purely optional. There is nothing in the AA literature requiring it: it is simply a tool, and I know several people in AA with years of sobriety who do not have sponsors and never did.

If you do want a sponsor, then choose carefully, and remember that the sponsor's role is limited. Your sponsor will not get you sober. Your sponsor SHOULD not run your life. Your sponsor is there to be a support and help you work the program: period.

OTT

reggiewayne

My sponsor is great. We're actually friends. It's the first time in my adult life that I have a friend who likes to do the same things as I and we don't drink. I lean on him, but he leans on me. As far as invasive goes, look at it like this. How invasive is your best friend? I'm sure you share quite a bit with him / her. A sponsor can be the same thing. I feel more comfortable telling my sponsor some things than I do my family or friends. Remember they have been where you are and understand your cravings, thoughts, desires, compulsions, etc... much more than a non - addict.

I just looked for someone who I liked what they said in meetings and started a conversation with them and let it go from there... Best of luck to you!

Kjell

That's too bad and of course some sponsors are better than others.

Did you put in the work to get another, better one? Even though I am the only one responsable for my own sobriety my 1st sponsor and I parted ways. My 2nd sponsor helped me go through the steps and I'm almost 1 year sober.

Kjell

I have the exact opposite experience in my home group.

It's a suggestion only for sure, but highly recommended b/c it's highly effective.

Paraffinalien

I dont think i could have thoroughly understood the program without one to one work with an alcoholic who had worked the program before me.

My advice would be to find someone who seems comfortable with themselves and others, someone who shares about the steps and God. Liking a sponsor is not even remotely important in my opinion, we dont have to become best buddies. Trust and respect are what we need from each other.