nacona

I'm getting ready to go to a meeting. I have a choice of going to AA or NA as we have one of each in this town. Since I am both an alcoholic and a drug addict I can go to either and fit in.

I was deciding which one I wanted to go to and my first thought was where would I get the most attention. It's not new to me that I seek out and love attention, but it's the first time I am saying it "outloud".

I sat in judgement at last night's meeting and I think it's because I wasn't the princess of the meeting.

I have walked into meetings and have been enthusiastically greeted by a lot of people and that turns out to be a good meeting to me. Last night I didn't get the attention that I wanted, so it was a bad meeting to me.

I am deciding which pair of boots to wear that will garner the most compliments/attention.

I either like NA more or AA more depending on the attention I receive. At AA I heard, sobriety looks really good on you, Teri...so AA became my favorite meeting.

2 weeks ago when I went to an NA meeting, I was voted GSR and got a TON of attention for taking my 60-day chip, so NA became my favorite meeting.

Last night was an NA meeting and since I didn't get enough attention (and no one complimented me on my new coat) I have now decided that AA is for me.

I sure hope that posting this will help, because this is very embarrassing.

bellakeller

I so appreciate your honesty! I was like this in the beginning too. I think this is a thing that will pass soon once you get more into the steps. It did for me - thank god because that was a lot to haul around with me to meetings! Once I understood the concept of humility it was easier to grasp and I still practice this daily.

Old habits die hard, just be patient with yourself.

Much love.

Mark75

It's human, we all like positive attention. It's good that you realize the effect that it has on your decision making... that's progress!!

sunrise1

You are not a horrible person I think we all have these feelings... but it takes a good hard look to notice them. I'm impressed that you noticed that about yourself; personal growth in any form is a good thing.

EricL

Lol, thanks for your honesty! I know I've been guilty of similar thinking, for me its generally a manifestation of the re-emergence of my ego because my spiritual house is not in order. Alcohol is longer a solution to fill whatever void I have plaguing me and I have often resorted to using attention (especially from women) to fill that void. Whenever that starts happening to me, its generally a good indication that I need to revisit the work and see how my spiritual life is.

artsoul

I don't think you should be embarrassed - be glad that you see the ego for what it is! We all have one, ya know?

My feeling is that a little attention is a whole lot better than a little fix or a drink. Progress, not perfection!! We all have things to work on in ourselves and one of the most common is being secure in who we are and loving ourselves in a healthy way. I don't think any of us find that easy, especially addicts.

Hugs!:ghug3

gr8ful42day

Your honesty is inspiring. Progress not perfection.

Isaiah

Embarrassing but not unusual. I know there have been meetings where I came with a problem to share and felt cheated and ignored when people didn't stick around to talk to me afterward. I think it's part ego and part the unrealistic belief that people will just know what I want even if I don't tell them.

nacona

Wow...these are great responses. Thank you so much. The acceptance on this site is beautiful. I don't feel so embarrassed or alone now. My ego is out of control and it IS a heavy load to carry, especially into a meeting. Looking at my relationship with my higher power when my ego goes on like this, is something I hadn't thought of, but when I read it, it felt so so right. Thank you again.

I went to the meeting tonight and was disappointed that there were no men there who normally give me the attention that I like. One of them walked in while I was reading Chapter 5 and I got happier.

I am going to take a look at my filling the void with attention instead of my higher power. I really love this site.

Isaiah

Ego is like an untrained puppy, sometimes you have to stop it before it wets on the proverbial carpet. Eventually it will learn.

AcceptingChange

i have the same types of thoughts. And this is why we love to intoxicate ourselves, to flee from them. The drinking & drugs remove our self-awareness, which is where so much of it's power comes from.
Learning to just 'stay with the feeling' is a key beginning of emotional growth. No judgements on ourself, no 'you're a bad person' scoldings to ourselves. Instead, we just watch the thoughts occur, and let them occur.

Here's a website where the author lets people send in post cards anonymously, confessing different things about themselves. The web sites posts these anonymous confessions.
PostSecret

There is also a book called "PostSecrets". PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives

Our inner lives are actually very interesting and fascinating, if we just turn down the judgement volume.
Thanks for starting this conversation.

MsCooterBrown

These are way cool ...Sometimes we all keep alot of stuff bottled up..(is that saying bottled up a reference to drinking?) and secret anonymous post cards would be one way to free up some horrible stuff...but who in the world would you send them to?? How odd it would be to get a postcard like this in the mail.

LaFemme

Oh I love postsecret! I met the guy who does it, Frank(?), it started as an art project and grew from there. Ms .cooter brown....the website has an adress that you send it to. Maybe I will send one too

Impurrfect

(((Teri))) - I think what you're feeling is pretty normal, or at least it is to me. We all want positive attention. Most of us have beaten ourselves down, so much, that we crave it. I think as you move further along, you'll learn to give yourself the "atta-girl" feeling and it won't be so much a big deal.

I admire your honesty, and I'm glad that you've found out a lot of us have felt the same way.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thesadone

Awesome post Nacona. It is great when you get honest with yourself and look at motivations.

Emotions motivate us to behavior..it can be an eye opening road when you look and see just how shallow most human action truly is when it all comes down to it.

endlesspatience

What about all those women who spend hours getting ready to go to church on Sunday morning so that other people will pay attention to their hats, clothes or shoes? Nobody gets too worked up condemning them. It doesn't mean that they're going to completely ignore the spiritual experience of being in church, simply that they are striving to meet another human need while they are there. Of course, if your new boots are the only thing on your mind and your ears are closed to the sharing, you're not going to gain too much from the event. But I doubt that will be the case as it sounds to me as though you are really entering the spirit of the NA/AA programmes by taking part and getting involved.

Homer38

thanks for posting this,your honesty about such a personal matter inspires me and others to feel comfortable talking here,its posts like this that keep me coming back!

ps:i get those exact same feelings.

NewMe11109

Don't worry too much about it, but you can take a learning from it.

This is just "alcoholic/addict thinking" as in "the world should revolve around me."

Until I got into recovery, I didn't get this. But now, I realize that for me the true key to happiness is trying to help others rather than always worrying about myself.

But, this is hard to break and comes over time. We all like to be loved, myself included.