northend79

ok, so I finally had it happen. My job/career and alcohol problem finally collided. I've been in denial all summer that's it gotten to that point, and I did some job hopping as a nurse. Never got fired for alcohol abuse, but didn't show a couple of times.

I took a full time position a month ago. I love my new job. However. Went out drinking on a friday. all out power drunk. Woke up saturday, continued to drink, passed out a few hours. Not thinking clearly, went out to work thinking I could pull it off.

Was sent home by a fellow nurse for smelling like alcohol and not being in the right frame of mind to be there.

I got enough courage to send my nurse manager an email of apology. By some grace of god I'm not fired? I had honestly expected to lose my nursing license.

She said I wasn't falling down drunk, and understood I"ve been dealing with stressful life events.


I am APPALLED that I did this.

She wants me to go back on Monday. I am still worried the nurse that was on may find this offensive and file an official complaint with the board.

Beyond that, I am so humiliated, I don't know if I can go back.

I'm a single mom, I have to work. What to do.

If nothing else, the silver lining in this is that I can longer be in denial about my alcohol use. Back to my counselor on tuesday. YES, I need help.

But what to do about my job? would any of you go back?

Dime

Employers see lots of people with alcohol problems and they would rather see them take care of a drinking problem rather than have to fire and replace them. I would take this as a huge warning sign that it is time to do something about your drinking. How about considering a program of recovery?

Fandy

from a legality standpoint, you will probably be placed on probation? IDK what type of nursing you do, but you could be held liable for endangering patients. whether you thought you "could pull it off" or not...i find this statement rather disturbing. do you give out meds? intubate? take care of critically ill patients or people who cannot help themselves? their lives are in your hands? that's pretty scary.....

before you go back you might want to consider telling everyone you worked with that you are in some sort of treatment for your illness, do more than apologize and never drink while you are responsible for caring for others.

DayTrader

Swallowing your pride to keep a job that pays you money to provide for yourself and your kid(s) is FAR MORE important than keeping some false dignity by not going back. You said it yourself.... "I'm a single mom, I have to work."

Well, it's either work or don't work, and since you have to work...... it seems like a simple choice - unless you have some other job lined up that you didn't mention.

Your actions may bring about some form of "punishment" or reprimand.....but at least you'll still have a job. Alternatively, you could duck the (potential) reprimand by quitting the job - then how do you pay your rent/mortgage, buy food, take care of yourself or your kid(s)?

I'd suggest going back, paying the piper (if necessary), and setting a new course of action that ensures something like that will never happen again. If you still have control over whether you drink or not, then stop drinking and/or find a way to moderate. If, like me, you've lost the ability to control your drinking, you'll have to amp your game up. If you've lost the ability to control it and "conventional" measures don't show an improvement (therapy, counseling, "just say no," etc) then you may need to find some sort of power greater than yourself to get some help from - and there are recovery programs built to help you in that search.

glitter

Northend....does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? EAP's usually help alcoholics/addicts get into rehab and recovery.

If there is an EAP available to you, I would HIGHLY recommend that you call your nurse manager and tell him or her that you need help with your drinking through the EAP. I think you can probably also choose to call the EAP directly (this is what I would do).

PLEASE, DO NOT jeopardize your nursing license by not getting help at this point. If the nurse who sent you home does report to the BON, there is a good possiblilty that there will be an investigation. Don't wait, okay. The BON takes time to get to complaints, but they do get to them.

As a nurse myself, I wish I had sought help through my EAP before I got caught, fired, and put into a 3-5 year diversion program with the state. I haven't lost my license, but I believe if you don't do something to address your drinking now, you may face losing it later on.

I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just being honest. BON's take this stuff seriously. Because your manager said they understood you are going through tough times, it really doesn't matter if the other nurse reports you. Remember, our licensing boards are not there to protect us, there are there to protect the public.

This may be a blessing in disguise for you to get the help you need?

Hugs, my friend. It's going to be okay. You need to do the right thing.

Mark75

I am in health care.

What that nurse does or doesn't do is way beyond your control. Trying to affect the outcome will only blow up in your face and make things much, much worse. Please realize that your manager is first and foremost responsible to the patients at the facility you work for, and is liable if she knowingly has a nurse on staff who is impaired.

Go back... or keep running away... the choice is yours. If a complaint is going to be filed, it will be either way.

The state I work in and all the others, as far as I know, have voluntary recovery programs for licensed health care professionals. They are no walk in the park, and they mean business... licensing boards exist not for your protection, but for the public's. You will recover or you won't work in healthcare... which is, well, as it should be.

I am speaking as someone with personal experience with all of this. I am 2 + years clean and sober, working full time and enjoying it. It was indeed very humiliating at first, but no longer. Scary too. But I am here to tell you that you can do it.

Go to work. Get recovered. Do whatever it takes.

PM me if you like. There are other nurses here, they may post a response as well.

Welcome

glitter

You can pm me as well northend.

flutter

Hi there You're not alone, that's for sure.

This happened to me, almost 2 years ago (come the 17th of this month!). I shouldn't say it "happened" to me, but I went to work after drinking. And I was busted. And I came back, and my career is better than ever.

If it helps, I'll tell you what happened.

That horrible, yet life changing day I was sent home, and my boss called me a few times (which I didn't answer, I was so mortified at the situation) to see how I was 'feeling'. She asked that when I came in the next morning, that I come directly to her office before starting my work day (I was sure I was fired.). I went in, petrified.. and she cried with me, told me that she wanted me to get help, that she cared about me, and my wellbeing.. and that I needed to figure something out. Then of course, she 'had' to do the formal stuff.. put me on a type of probation for 'violating drug and alcohol policies'. I signed something that said I agreed to seek treatment, and follow whatever treatment plan (that meant inpatient, outpatient, whatever) was offered. I was given the number to our EAP, and sent on my way with a few hugs and tears and promises from me to make things right.

The EAP was worthless to me. The way the EAP at MY job worked, was 3 'telephonic consultations', they almost laughed at me that I thought I was going to access any ongoing counseling for something like this. I was totally alone and on my own, determined to keep my job, desperate to get help and find the RIGHT help. I ended up finding (thanks Google) a wonderful psychologist who specialized in addiction, and was on my insurance (thanks Aetna). I saw him that week, and twice a week after that for a little over 6 months. He reported to my EAP, who reported my attendance to my employer on a regular basis.

Anyways, probably way more than you wanted or needed to know.. but I survived, and have been sober and in recovery since that day. It was my bottom, there wont be another one. I will never in my life forget the long walk into the office, the sitting down with my boss waiting to hear the dreaded "we're going to have to ask you to leave".. but they gave me a chance, a second chance. I'm now senior in my position, and I'm the person people see here when they come to see how great we are. I'm looked up to for training, and leadership in my position. I'm confident, and happy in my job, and they take care of me, as long as I take care of myself.

Please go back, this could be an opportunity for you..

Dee74

There's some great advice here, northend.
I hope Saturday, bad as it was, can be a turning point for you

Welcome to SR!
D

glitter

Another option?

The morning after I received the phone call from my manager that I was not to return to work while they decided what to do, I went to my personal physician who knew some about my problem already...that day she found out everything! My doctor wrote me out from work for a month - she knew I was finally going to get the help I needed - I now had NO choice. I took the note to HR and was granted a medical leave of absence (mloa) by my employer.

During that month I was able to find a treatment center and get started. The physician at the treatment center extended my mloa and I was able to start collecting state disability (some states don't have this - it's something I pay for in payroll taxes). I'm still on disability (it's been just over 5 months). Didn't lose my job nor my health insurance until 3 months after my leave started (had to cash in some retirement and now paying cobra - ugh!) . By federal law, the employer is requried to grant 12 weeks medical loa if a physician says there is a medical medical condition that warrants it.

So if you have a doctor you can work with, that may be a start.

FYI - my story is a bit different in that I diverted meds (why I lost my job), but the reporting to the BON is the same. It doesn't matter what substance it is.

Mark75

That's a good thought glitter... I think if you do that northend, then a report to the BON is virtually certain... but it may save your job, get you some disability if you are entitled and my help with treatment costs. It is a very strong and definitive statement that you are aware of the problem and are being pro-active to fix it.

Keep posting, please let us know what's up! I am rooting for you.

glitter

northend - I just read your intro from back in September.

We have A LOT in common!

Please keep us updated.....we care. xoxo

meditation

If I had it to do over again, I'd have done it different. I chose to try to keep on working knowing i had a problem, I had been 10 plus years at my nursing job. I messed up with the EAP people and messed up my chance to get better. I was terminated and lost my license for failure to go to rehab as was asked by the BON as something to do to save my license. I sat out a couple of years and decided it was time to fix the past.

GO to your EAP and get on their program, get some counseling if they provide any if not get it on your own, because I was sent back by EAP with zero treatment for my addiction. Or voluntarily admit yourself into a rehab and sign a contract with your state nurse's advocacy program, you will probably save your job, save your license, and anything that comes down the pike in complaints from the other nurse you've covered it plus you get treatment and tools for recovery along with some good monitoring. I look at it this way, they are not only keeping the public safe from a messed up nurse, they are keeping us safe by getting us help so we don't wind up driving drunk and killing ourselves plus maybe someone innocent. You have options, you can get help, don't wait till it's too late till things are harder to fix. There is hope for this, I had to swallow my pride and ask for help. Most people are compassionate if you ask for it, it's when you don't ask for help that it becomes another story and that's my story. I have over 2 years clean and my license back. Things are looking up but it's been very very hard, I made it much harder than I had to on myself in my denial of my problem.

northend79

thank you for all the replies.

I know that I put patients safety at risk. I know this, beilieve me, I know. I am so, so, so glad I got sent home. The thinking I could pull it off had nothing to do with other than not thinking clearly.



I actually am in treatment. The counsellor I met with is my alcohol/addictions counsellor. I got on with her this summer. I've been sober for two months. Not anymore. We had gone down to biweekly meetings because I had been doing well.

I do have another job, currently. I was working two. I have a job offer from before that I can take if I want. I was a good nurse.

I don't think I can go back due to the humiliation. I am not offered any sort of assistance through work because I have not been there long enough to receive any.


I want to take time off and work on my problem. That is financially not feasible.

My grandmother passed away on friday which is what triggered the going out drinking. I am not making excuses. just trying to pinpoint what made me lose control, where I just said screw it.



My nurse manager had said she understood because she knew how close I was with grandmother and again, I wasn't DRUNK when I went into work, I was hungover as hell, Smelled like alcohol ( as you can after drinking that much) and was sobbing about my grandmother. That's when it finally hit me, because I had just started drinking rather than deal with it.

That being said, I am not making excuses or trying to minimize what I did.

meditation

I know you're sincere. I can tell. My grandmother passed and it's what set me up along with a bunch of endless surgeries and all those narcotics tossed at me along with my codependency issues I was a walking bomb waiting for addiction. You sound like you've got some help going on. If you love that job, don't let pride stop you on keeping it. I think more people are understanding than you realize. It feels bad now, but doing what you're doing and admitting you have a problem and the being honest and open about it most people will respect that. I would not just toss off the job, I think it can be saved. At least with co-workers if you acknowledge the issues and as they say the Pink elephant in the room, and are actively working on the problem who is going to cast stones? I just want you to know there is much compassion and it's not bad or shameful to stay at that job. That's up to you how you want to handle it. You have to do what you think is best for you. I am so glad you came here. It's hard I understand.

Dee74

two great reasons to go back.

I think there's also a great lesson here about consequences and responsibility and accountability and facing up to the reality that you have a problem.

I really hope you do go back and work through this.

D

Mark75

If there were anything I could say to you to convince you to return to work, I would... You have heard from three health care professionals that... yes, it's scary, yes, it's initially humiliating... but you've also heard from all of us, who have taken slightly, or not so slightly different paths... that the absolute best possible thing for you do is to stand up, ask for help if you need it and accept it if it's offered.

Whatever humiliation you may suffer by going back is nothing compared to what you'll endure if the BON has to insist that you get treatment or else.

You can do it... many more health professionals than you may think are in these programs.... tens of thousands in my state alone.

glitter

Question northend - where do the feelings of being humiliated, anger at yourself for your behavior, the shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc etc etc go when you do not return to that job? These feelings can't be ignored (stuffed) forever. And if you're anything like me, you've been stuffing these types of feelings all your life and not just related to your drinking.

The biggest relief for me was - when I finally got the help I needed and was honest with everybody from my kids to my mom to my manager to some of my former co-workers - and they showed acceptance of my problem and offered to support me in whatever way was feasible, I no longer had to experience any new feelings of shame, guilt, anger with myself, etc etc. Now I'm doing the hard work of therapy to learn to accept my past so I can be in the here and now with my recovery.

northend, you made a comment in one of your posts that you were a good nurse. Past tense. You are STILL a good nurse. You are not a bad person or nurse or mom...you have a condition that can be treated.

Wish I had more time but I'm off to my meeting in a few minutes.

Please reconsider completely facing what keeps you ill. For you most of all and for your license which I KNOW you have a great deal of respect for and worked SO hard for.

northend79

well, after posting here, a co worker called me at home.

She had driven me home saturday night. She talked me into going back, I'm 99.9% sure.


She said no one except the nurse manager, and the people that were there know about it. They discussed it, and made sure that no one was going to speak of it. I'm in a supervisory role, and the concern was that the people on my shift would lose respect for me.

Apparently, my nurse manager spoke to the girl that drove me home, and said that if we talked ( she knows we're friendly), to tell me they just want me to come back, and that there are no problems or disciplinary actions to be taken.

The nurse who sent me home was worried that I was angry with her for doing what she did, calling management. oh my word, no.

They are treating this like an emotional breakdown over a death, rather than showing up at work under the influence. I guess the attitude is " Well, we KNOW she doesn't have an alcohol problem, it's a one off thing." Which surprises me, because I DO. I've been so worried that it's been affecting my work, but apparently not. Well, it has, but not obviously to anyone else.


I think what I need to do is breathe easy, keep my full time job, be THANKFUL I'm not getting reported to the board. Take this is a gift. To get better, and tell my counsellor that bi weekly meetings are NOT enough. I need serious help, with my alcohol use, and emotional problems, and stress in my life.

I do hospice nursing, and I'm going to really examine if that's the best fit for me. I have a passion for it, but I also have a lot of unresolved emotions surrounding deaths in my own life over the past couple of years, and I need to really figure out if my job is therapeutic like I thought it was, or causing me more emotional stress. I need to fully understand that, not only for myself, but for my patients and their families as well.

I still can't believe this happened. This whole super star single mom super nurse facade I have going on is only that. I have been getting praise for the past few years for being a good mom, good nurse, good friend, the whole " how do you do it" I have been telling people lately, " well, actually I can't". and they always laugh and say " you're too hard on yourself". I need to be more vocal with those close to me how out of control my life is, and how I'm not well. To let them know it only adds pressure on me when they think I'm just being hard on myself.


And, I KNOW that my anxiety is going to be through the roof monday morning, and I"m still not convinced that I haven't been fired or reported to the board.

Mark75

Keep us in the loop. Hope all goes well.

Many use AA. You may find that this is what your looking for in a recovery program. Put aside any prejudices or preconceptions you may have and give it a try. That and counseling. If you do come through this without a formal report to the board, don't let that lull you into complacency. Remember, some of us had close calls too .

Glad you are going back!