reggiewayne

What's funny with me is I drink to numb myself, not to get really happy. It occured to me last night as I was on my 3ed mixed drink. I wasn't smiling, or frowning, or laughing, or yelling, I was just there. Intoxicated but not "hammered". My pattern of drinking clearly shows that I have other issues beyond drinking. It's as if I drink to erase the night. What's sad is we only get a set number of nights in our lives and I am erasing 3 to 4 per week. That's 182 nights per year that I am neither happy or sad, just zoned out avoiding life. That's extreemley sad to me. I don't know why I feel the need to do this. I was not raised this way.

I used to have such optimism about life and saw the good, now I don't see anything. I just try and get through the day un-noticed so I can go home and quietly drink alone and erase the night. What's amazing is if someone in my family were living like I am I would be so sad for them and do anything I could to help them, but nobody really knows that I do this. There's a great commercial where people are screaming for help but no voice comes out of them, that's how I feel right now. I feel lost and feel like I'm digging my hole deeper and deeper and nobody is noticing.

I'm not blaming this on anyone but myself, but I just need to change my life. I know that I am a good person and am capable of so much, but I just keep numbing myself nightly. I hope I can turn my life around, but guys I've been wanting this for 4 years and I drink more now than I did 4 years ago...

Today is Day 1. Again.

Mark75

You've been trying for 4 years, time to try something different. That hole you are digging?... I had one too. I tried to fill it with alcohol.

Put down that shovel. Stop digging. I strongly recommend that you change your approach, get some help. Get recovered.

Dime

As alcoholism progresses the pleasurable part of drinking disappears. I also got to the point where I drank just to try and knock myself out. I found that I could not control my drinking on my own and needed help. When I asked for help AA was there and I have been sober since. Having and following a program of recovery made all the difference in the world.

Dee74

I spent 20 years chasing oblivion. I was unhappy, I wanted to be someone different and have a better life, I wanted to escape my responsibilities...

It's not up to anyone to notice Reggie. I used to want people to notice too - to save me.

Save yourself. Stop digging.

It doesn't better doing what you're doing - in fact it gets frighteningly, exponentially worse.

I hope you decide to save yourself that experience.

D

reggiewayne

Thanks guys. I know that I have to do the work to get better. I know there is help out there but it's up to me to become a part of it and participate in it. What's crazy is over the past few years I have spent it isolating. So triggers for me are different than now than they used to be. It used to be a game, or round of golf, or happy hour with my freinds, etc... Now, I don't do those things anymore so there is really no such thing as a trigger - rather; drinking is a part of who I am. I come home and make a drink. I don't get silly, make a fool out of myself, etc... because the possibility isn't there to do so. All I will do is make myself feel like complete crap the next day and feel miserable. That, in itself, should be enough to make me quit.

I feel like I need a complete overhaul on everything I do, but I've heard not to change too much too soon. My problem is, I have 8 hours of downtime in my day and I typically fill it with napping and drinking...

What do you guys think of this. Today I made a schedule of how I want my day. It starts off with exercise, then doing stuff around the house, then AA, then work, then dinner, then a fairly strict bedtime. I almost want to see if I can just simply stick to this. Kind of my own self-imposed bed time / wake up time. My job does not require me to come in until noon. So I have a lot of time in the morning, and am off at 6pm. So, I have a lot of time in the evenings as well (I know that this is not why I drink, I drank a ton when I had to be at work at 7am) but I do think that my isolation is a problem.

I'm just lost guys and have been so for so long. I don't think that people that know me would ever think that about me, but it's time to be honest. My current way of life is not working for me. I'm not happy, optimistic, etc...

What do you think of imposing some kind of fairly rigid schedule (btw - I'm sure it's not rigid, just what normal people simply do)....

doggonecarl

One day the alcohol won't "work" the way it always has. Then you'll be drinking because NOT drinking is impossible. It won't make you numb, and you won't be able to stop. That can't be what you want from your life, is it?

Quitting may not solve all your problems, but drinking definitely isn't making things any better.

What is it that someone here always posts...my worst sober day is better than my best drunk day...or something like that.

Fandy

"i have never woken up sober and hangover free, wishing i was drunk the night before"???? i think it is Humblebee's signature.

Reggie, try your plan, but don't be disappointed if you can't stick to it 100%...you may have difficulty sleeping at first.

Dee74

Reggie the only overhaul you need to worry about right now is stop drinking. Keep it simple.

Just go to a meeting - get re-connected, get some numbers to call....then worry about how to fill the downtime. Making schedules is not really what you need to be expending your energy on right now IMO.

My whole world shrunk to my room when I was drinking.

I'm still largely housebound - but now I literally do not have enough hours in the day to do everything I want to. Task and things to do are always there if you look hard enough

It's all about perspective, and about removing the toxicity of addiction from yr life.

D

reggiewayne

OK, I will not drink tonight and I will go to a meeting tomorrow at noon. I know I can handle those two things.

Dee74

that sounds like a great, achievable plan to me Reggie

D

Draciack

Hey Reggie 8 hours is a lot of time to start working on that complete overhaul

I had a rigid structure starting out - wake up, exercise, write, job, etc. I liked that. What I didn't like was the uncertainty that came from lack of structure. So I made commitments and that eliminated some of the unpredictability. It may have been a little boring at times but it took awhile to adjust to sobriety.

Good luck at the meeting tomorrow

tmbg

Since you say you are going to AA meetings, I was wondering...it's usual for some people to go for coffee or a meal after an AA meeting where I am--either 1-on-one or in a group. It would be great if an offer was extended to every newcomer (as one lovely woman in my group always does) to take the away the seemingly impossible task of making the first move, right? It's enough to drag yourself to a meeting sometimes.

However, if you haven't checked it out (or noticed), you can challenge yourself to speak to someone at every meeting and, if it seems right, ask them to join you for coffee and get some socializing in to break up your day to get a break in your isolation? It may turn out that you are invited. I know this might mean taking a chance, but really, what do you have to lose?

Also, a routine, especially for waking and sleeping can be very good for mood. As for any other part of a routine, if structuring your day works, keep doing it as long as you don't beat yourself up when you fall short.

TheMaster

This is only day 4 for me, but I know what you mean.

I started when I was 16. I quit for 3 years after going to AA in 2000. I was 32, then.

I quit for 3 months in 2008. I was 40.

Now I am 42 and am starting to feel the effects of long-term drinking. As I pointed out in another post, my vision started acting weird, last Saturday night. Scared the living **** out of me.

I am diabetic, probably a result of drinking heavily for so long...

I have numerous "ailments" that probably stem from drinking.

There are 100 reasons to stop and only 1 reason to not stop...

Talk about crazy. It's all in the mind. That is what tells you that it is ok. You have to tell it that it's not ok, like I have to do.

Go to a meeting... It can't really hurt.

johndelko408

Reggie,
I feel for you brotha, I really do. I've been where you are, wanting to stop drinking with all the sincerity in my heart, but just couldn't. In trying to stop on my own I learned that I couldn't. The will power i once had was long gone away, I was defeated. Have you ever sought out a program of recovery? I learned that if I was to beat this disease (alcoholism) that there was no way in hell that I could do it on my own, like I said I was defeated. I'm a member of AA now and tomorrow I will have 11 months of sobriety. AA is a program of attraction not promotion so I can't really push it on you. But I'll tell you that there is only one requirement for membership, one which you clearly already possess. That requirement is "a desire to stop drinking". Just as a suggestion, check it out, you have nothing to lose in doing so. It saved my life and it could save yours.

fdsajkll

why are you numbing yourself? What is there to numb.

I am on day 5 and clinging to this website for my life. I can't sleep I am anxious and just trying to help.. But as i read these blogs/ postings i am learning that alcohol isn't usually the only problem. And i am trying to figure out why i drink as well. Think about why you want to be numb... it might help you fix the drinking as well.

I've pretended for the past 5 years that i didn't have a problem with alcohol. at first I was young and in college and blacking out was normal. then the ambulance came on my 21 birthday.. and well that was normal because it was my 21 birthday. Then i would only drink on weekends or when i had time... because that is jsut what people do in there early 20's.

i justified it by saying it wasn't every day. I've just realized all these rules justifying my drinking were there to pretend i didn't have a problem. Now i am left with no booze, don't know who i am or what i want to do. Its blank and i am anxious. Booze was my life... now i need to stop being afraid of life and actually feel what life has to offer..

MeAndOnlyMe

I've come to the realization that I've spent the majority of my adult life wanting to be something other than what I was, mostly unhappy with myself but still not adopting positive changes. If I take my attitude out of the equation, I'm left with what appears to be a very good life. I needed to see and understand that alcohol wasn't truly dulling my pain or reducing my malaise but was actively contributing to it all, more and more as each day passed.

I don't know if you can do something similar and take an honest look at your life if alcohol wasn't a part of it...just be honest with yourself and try to develop a plan, by yourself or with the help of others.

Talk is cheap - I know. Just trying to offer some insights that have helped me.

johndelko408

There is one thing I'd like to add that I neglected to mention before. When I first got into recovery I had the misconception that I had a problem with alcohol and drugs. In recovery I learned while working on myself and discovering myself so to speak, that my problem was never with alcohol and drugs, my problem was me and the alcohol and drugs were but symptoms of my disease of alcoholism and addiction. Like you Reggie I was constantly numbing myself from and running away from reality. The tools I used were alcohol and drugs. Reality and the world were not my problem, I was my problem and no matter how much numbing and running I did, I was still there with me. This I learned in recovery. I had to learn to face my fears and problems/troubles, or whatever you chose to call them, without picking up a drink or pipe. You can do this too, you just have to be willing to take that first step out of the darkness and into recovery.

reggiewayne

Wow... great responses guys and gals. It really helped. I am going to a meeting in one hour. I'm going to get a start over token and then take it from there. Time to take some action that does not include digging my whole deeper!

johndelko408

Find a sponsor, look for someone who possess qualities you want for yourself, and hang on to him for dear life. Work those steps like your life depends on it, cause it does. Get some phone numbers so that way whenever you feel like drinking you call them. You can do this bro, you really can. It's great that you're making the initiative to changing your life. It's going to be a tough road, but trust me it gets better with time.