hope51

Things seem very hard right now. A little background on me: I'm a problem drinker, have been for years, but don't have the physical cravings so I'm lucky there. I have been getting hangovers much more often recently and have become a mean, angry, or sad drunk. Now that I've finally made the decision to stop drinking, I feel optimistic because I know it will be good for me but I'm also scared for obvious reasons. I told my boyfriend that I'm doing this and I need his support and he said I have his support, but he also said he's worried this will cause problems for us on the weekends because we usually go out to bars together. I said that I'll still go to bars sometimes but not drink, but right now I really don't want to be there. I think he is a problem drinker too and he says he wants to cut back but I'm not pressuring him. I'm hoping that once he sees me having success it will give him a push. I'm nervous about how this is going to effect us as a couple, worried about the holidays and what to do without drinking, and also my 30th birthday coming up. Also my dog is sick and they don't know what's wrong yet and I've been crying off and on at work all morning worrying about her. I lost a dog a few years ago and I'm so scared of losing this one too. I feel very overwhelmed with everything.

sleepie

You can only look after your own sobriety- you must determine to do it for yourself. I understand not wanting to have relationship troubles because of it, but I think it needs to be a priority for you, and if you grow and change because of it whatever ensues will likely be good, despite the possibility of some pain. I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed. I know it's tough but in the past, trying to see things in a different light has helped me. Like how your doggie is fortunate to have you as a loving owner regardless of what happens, you are a boon to his/ her life- so many animals are unfortunately unappreciated or disregarded. But not yours, she sounds very loved. Try to keep yourself in mind- you are ultimately doing something very healthy for yourself both physically and mentally, be selfish in that way- you will need support and there is no shame in doing whatever it takes to get it so you can live your life as you prefer.

rws177

First off take it "one day at a time", thinking to far ahead can be overwhelming, it is for me at least. Second if your boyfriend can't stay with you on the account of you being sober then he probably isn't the one for you. I'm not tyring to be harsh, just once I got sober I soon realized that me and my "best friends" for the last ten years didn't have much else in common other than drinking. So in terms of a signifcant other is that someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, probably not.

Remain optomistic though, maybe he will be very supportive and stop drinking as well.

doggonecarl

Don't let being overwhelmed be a reason to drink, because there are a lot of times in early recovery where you are going to feel overwhelmed. You have to cope with those feelings. As for your social circle--bars and having friends that drink--this isn't helpful for sobriety. In time you may find yourself with the strength to be in bars and not drink, but I suggest you avoid potential triggers. As for your friends, you could continue to drink for them, but as you pointed out in an earlier post, your behavior is becoming so outlandish, you may end up losing all your friends...

Lastly, I too have lost dogs recently. I was drinking heavily at the time and when I had to put them down the grief was heart wrenching. Guess what, drinking didn't make it go away. Since I've been sober I've had issues with one of my other dogs. I am in a much better position to care for her now, sober, than I could being drunk. And if she goes, I'll cry my eyes out...sober!

Good luck. SR is here to help.

fdsajkll

Although your boyfriend says he supports your decision sometimes actions speak louder than words. I would never be able to walk into a bar and say I am not going to drink but props if you can. I hope it doesn't cause problems for you but your boyfriend is right. Maybe without the drinking you and your boyfriend won't have that much in common? If he isn't willing to compromise for your safety and well being your relationship might be something to think about. I am only on day 5 now...

i completely agree with RWS177. I've been locked in my room for 5 days because all of my friends do drink and i can't go to bars.. i can't even walk by a bar now without craving booze. I am starting to realize this sobriety thing is a complete overhaul of life.

overwhelming.. i am sure i am not helping..but i guess i am thinking outloud.

hope51

Thank you all for your replies. All this support has been amazing, I'm so glad I found this site. I really hope my sobriety doesn't cause problems for me and my boyfriend, but if it does I know I will have to deal with it. I know he should want the absolute best for me, and he is an amazing man in all aspects except for this. I'll just have to cross that bridge if/when I come to it. I know I have to focus on me because I never have, and that's partly how I ended up in this position. I feel like I don't even know HOW to focus on me! Awhile ago I was thinking that tonight would normally be a night I would go home and open a bottle of wine but I feel strong enough not to do that. If my strength falters I will come on here to get it back up.

jamdls

Hi Hope, I was a "problem drinker" too, I never had any cravings before nor since, didn't drink every day etc etc For many years I was a happy fun loving drinker then I started getting mean when I drank, not mean with fists but with words, as the more years that past the more people I hurt with my words, the most important being my own daughter. You see your drinking as a problem you want to stop now and you should before things get worse. I have found since I quit drinking I don't enjoy being around people drinking a lot, I find alcohol makes people pretty lame...I'd actually begun to think that of "other" people while I was still drinking which is why I switched to drinking alone....took me a lot longer to realize how pitiful I was...
I have also found that birthdays are a 1000000 times better sober!
Alcohol will not ease the pain of losing a pet or anything else, it may delay the pain but it could also make the pain a whole worse. The last time I drank (3+ yrs ago) I also overdosed on RX drugs, I had a little mini schnauzer, Tasha, who was my constant companion and pretty much my only friend, we'd been together for 11 yrs; Tasha had been sick for about 6-8 mths when I drank that last time but she was hanging on and we were fine, well I OD'd and wound up in the hospital for a week-my dog had to be boarded while I was gone; I survived my OD but Tasha did not, when I picked up a week later she could barely stand/walk and then she started having seizures and she had to be put down. The vet knew about her illness and I told him I'd been in the hospital for a week (I didn't tell him why), without meaning any harm the vet said to me "...Tasha had been holding on for ME, and when I left her (I was taken out on a stretcher by the EMTs) she gave up...." I'm not saying your drinking is killing your pet, but I live with the knowledge that my drinking and OD did kill my baby, and partially out of respect and love for her I will never drink again. Losing a pet is heartwrenching, drinking won't help.

hope51

Jamdls, thank you for sharing that. Your dog story almost made me cry. My family has one mini schnauzer right now (not the sick one) and my dog that passed a few years ago of cancer was also a mini. They are a great breed. Both dogs actually live with my parents but I still call them my dogs since I lived at home not too long ago.
You do sound a lot like me. I do have to say that since I've decided to quit drinking I feel a strange sense of calm at times in the middle of the worries. Like I don't have to deny or worry or hide anything anymore. Like something I've been trying to ignore is now out in the open and it's ok. This whole situation sucks and is really hard but I know it will be worth it in the end.
I have to ask, to you or anyone else willing to share, how did you change your social life, especially in the beginning of your sobriety? I'm wondering how to fill the weekends. This weekend I've filled already - Christmas shopping and babysitting my niece, but I can't help thinking about the next weekend and the next...

smacked

Movies, lots and lots of movies!

On a serious note, I would not be able to stay in a relationship with a bar-fly (or problem drinker, or alcoholic..).

My husband and I entertained ourselves several times a week at the bar, when I was drinking. It was an odd adjustment at first, he'd go without me.. which is incredibly selfish to be honest.. but then over some time, he realized OUR lives had to change if I was to stay sober. He goes to the bar about once a month, but he's not a problem drinker or an alcoholic, he can take it or leave it. I wouldn't go hang out in a bar, even now, at 2plus years sober.. it would be annoying if anything else. We had a lot of fun getting to know each other again, doing things (there's a zillion things to do besides sit and drink, believe it or not!) together, spending quality time together. I hope your boy comes around, but protect your sobriety first and foremost. As a boyfriend, this man should be on his absolute best behavior for you! If you're already concerned, well.. I'd hate to see you back here in 5 years with a bunch of sobriety under your belt, but concerned about your alcoholic husband and it's effect on your little children long term. Ya know? Happens all too often, my dear.

Take care of you, let the rest fall where it may.

jamdls

In the early days/weeks/months of not drinking I spent the majority of my free time working on ME, trying to understand why I had drank so much and how to keep from falling back into that hole. I read lots of self help/recovery type books and I ate lots of chocolate :rotfxko eventually I gave up the chocolate and filled my time with exercise, I eliminated heavy drinkers from life so I was alone most of the time. If you don't want to alienate your bf and friends (and unless they are trying to get you to drink you probably wouldnt' need to) why not suggest outings that are not centered around drinking, instead of hanging out at a bar suggest meeting at a restaurant where they can still drink but the food is the main event not the alcohol, or go to movies, or sporting events anywhere where there is something to offer beside just the booze.

Dee74

There's a lot of what ifs here Hope51...thinking about everything at once is bound to make you feel overwhelmed and anxious.

I found it best to try and keep things simple - stay sober - and let everything else either sort itself out of wait until you're more ready to deal.

A lot of folks here have partners who drink - it's hard, but not impossible. I know you'll always find a lot of support here

I hope your bf can compromise though - going to bars is not my idea of a good time anymore, and it's simply never a good place to be in early recovery IMO - for obvious reasons.

D

TheEnd

I'm in a relationship with someone who drinks every night, I thought it would be a problem for me, but surprisingly it has not been. Once I gave up the idea of me drinking, I also gave up my resentments about other people drinking. If he ever wants to quit, more power to him, but this is my battle and I realize I must do this for me and only me.

We still go out just the same, but we have also added going to movies and bowling and stuff like that to list of places to go. I choose to pick places that we can still have a socially good time with our friends, and if they want to drink, it's there. I don't feel anybody should change their lives for me, and if other people on here believe that, I believe they are deluding themselves.

Someone said that they thought it was selfish that their partner still went to the bar without them, why? I have to ask that question, they decided to change, that doesn't mean everyone has to change around them.

I believe once you embrace that you won't have a problem and if you truly do, then there are other fish in the sea.

least

I love dogs too and tho they loved me drunk or sober, I love them so much better sober. Sober I give them 110%, drunk, not so much... It is always hard to lose a beloved pet. But drinking won't make it better, and will only make it worse.

I wish you the best, with your sobriety and with your dog.