Can't even make it to day 1...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I totally agree this is no such thing as a last chance. It took me 15 years to get to a point of continued sobriety.
Please don't take that long tho miela - some of us don't make it that far.
I also hope you find the strength to sort out your domestic situation. I'm not sure I agree with you that you need to get sober first. Domestic violence, at any level, is a danger, IMO.
please keep this information handy, miela.
D
Please don't take that long tho miela - some of us don't make it that far.
I also hope you find the strength to sort out your domestic situation. I'm not sure I agree with you that you need to get sober first. Domestic violence, at any level, is a danger, IMO.
please keep this information handy, miela.
Domestic Violence
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
United States DV Resources by State
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
United States DV Resources by State
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Please phone a domestic violence hotline. They can be of huge assistance. If you phone from home, dial another number after that so that if he hits redial or star whatever your tracks are covered.
There is alot of information regarding abuse in the stickies at the tops of the forums in the friends and family sections and also in the women in recovery forum.
I really hope you get help.
There is alot of information regarding abuse in the stickies at the tops of the forums in the friends and family sections and also in the women in recovery forum.
I really hope you get help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
I am smiling here imagining myself at an AA meeting dressed up like , I dunno, Lady Gaga or something! I have a friend in work that I might be able to confide in but it really is risky. As I said, I could risk so much, both for me and my colleagues, so it just isn't worth it. You have no idea how easily these things can get around, if you work in the medical profession. Unfortunately I've seen it happen before.
I know I can do this because I'm not going to suffer any serious withdrawals, due to the amount I was drinking. Yes, I expect anxiety, insomnia, irritability etc. but nothing life-threatening. I know I can do it because I have no other choice anymore.
I guess all I can do right now is see what tomorrow holds. Maybe I need to be more prepared tomorrow, I'm just not sure what I'll replace it with. I'm not really a relaxation person (I actually don't know how to do this!). Maybe I'll go and get a good book and try and stick my head in that tomorrow evening. Or else just log in here for the evening.
Here we go again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thank you Dee & Live for the domestic violence info. I am linked in with some one for that, although I haven't been in contact with her for a long time because I just haven't had the energy or motivation to do so. I guess that's another thing on my rather long list of things to sort out for once and for all...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Miela:
You didn't screw up. Many of us have HAD to take a "hair of the dog" in early recovery to ease a massive hangover. This can be a process of fits and starts, but it doesn't have to be--especially because you don't anticipate any nasty withdrawal symptoms. I, too, didn't experience any withdrawal THIS time around, because I was doing "controlled" drinking, almost never overdoing it. That said, I was still miserable and emotionally bankrupt. I felt such guilt and shame for my actions (still do, as I was sneaking around behind everyone's back). The biggest difference for me in the past 30 days has been my self-concept. I don't feel like such a worthless piece of cr*p anymore; I realize that, at base, I AM a good person with many gifts to contribute (e.g., I can be a good, loving wife; a student who excels in her studies; a great employee; a great friend). You are taking steps to get your life back. Remember, it's progress, not perfection. And sobriety is a process, not an event.
Take care of yourself, and give yourself a break...but no more drinking, okay?
P.S. If you want a good book, I would recommend Drinking; A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. That book really hit home for me, and it's so engrossing you'll lose track of time.
You didn't screw up. Many of us have HAD to take a "hair of the dog" in early recovery to ease a massive hangover. This can be a process of fits and starts, but it doesn't have to be--especially because you don't anticipate any nasty withdrawal symptoms. I, too, didn't experience any withdrawal THIS time around, because I was doing "controlled" drinking, almost never overdoing it. That said, I was still miserable and emotionally bankrupt. I felt such guilt and shame for my actions (still do, as I was sneaking around behind everyone's back). The biggest difference for me in the past 30 days has been my self-concept. I don't feel like such a worthless piece of cr*p anymore; I realize that, at base, I AM a good person with many gifts to contribute (e.g., I can be a good, loving wife; a student who excels in her studies; a great employee; a great friend). You are taking steps to get your life back. Remember, it's progress, not perfection. And sobriety is a process, not an event.
Take care of yourself, and give yourself a break...but no more drinking, okay?
P.S. If you want a good book, I would recommend Drinking; A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. That book really hit home for me, and it's so engrossing you'll lose track of time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Hahaha, I thought of Lady Gaga when I said it! You'd have to also buy some crazy shoes to pull the ensemble together.
On a serious note, I hope with some sober time under your belt (which you CAN), maybe you'll reconsider reaching out. There are lots of ways to get support, not just AA or therapy....this forum is a great start!
On a serious note, I hope with some sober time under your belt (which you CAN), maybe you'll reconsider reaching out. There are lots of ways to get support, not just AA or therapy....this forum is a great start!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thank you Viavai & Lawmama Right so today is a new day. No hangover, no excuse. Going to have an early night tonight and HOPEFULLY sleep (last night not a great night for sleep).
Thanks for the book suggestion Viavai, will have a look on Amazon tonight.
Take care everyone. New day, new start
M
Right so today is a new day. No hangover, no excuse. Going to have an early night tonight and HOPEFULLY sleep (last night not a great night for sleep). Thanks for the book suggestion Viavai, will have a look on Amazon tonight.
Take care everyone. New day, new start
M
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Good morning Miela, and happy first day of sobriety.
The sleep thing is tough for a lot of us in early sobriety. What helped me was not trying to force sleep, staying busy, and reminding myself that no one ever died from staying awake at night. I got a chance to read, write in a journal, watch TV without passing out, chat online, etc. It definately gets better over time!
Stay sober for one minute at a time....you'll be surprised how fast they add up. First few days I would tell myself, "I'll drink tomorrow" every day....and so far that particular tomorrow hasn't come.
Have a good day.
The sleep thing is tough for a lot of us in early sobriety. What helped me was not trying to force sleep, staying busy, and reminding myself that no one ever died from staying awake at night. I got a chance to read, write in a journal, watch TV without passing out, chat online, etc. It definately gets better over time!
Stay sober for one minute at a time....you'll be surprised how fast they add up. First few days I would tell myself, "I'll drink tomorrow" every day....and so far that particular tomorrow hasn't come.
Have a good day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thanx Lawmama
So far, so good. It's been over 25 hours since my last drink. Yay! Had a busy day, then when I came home (which is when I'd usually knock back my first vodka), I made supper for my little one and decided I'd have some too. When I drink, I always make sure I have my first one on an empty stomach and then I'd usually pick at a few nuts for the rest of the evening, while I drink. The remaining elements of anorexia are still the stronger 'force' so after eating some eggs and toast, I couldn't 'justify' adding more calories. More importantly, I sat with my child and we chatted over our meal.
The only time it got to me today was when I passed the bottles of wine and spirits when I was shopping this afternoon. I looked at them and felt a huge sense of loss. I walked away and thought, "it's only drink! What the f**k am I getting upset about??? I'm not losing a family member here, and, let's face it, drink has NEVER been a friend of mine" I felt like giving the alcohol section the finger, but thought I'd probably get a LOT of strange looks if I did and possibly a trip to the psych ward!
Anyway, a good evening so far. I'm absolutely wrecked now from lack of sleep so hopefully I will get some tonight. Thanks for the tips Lawmama!
Praying for a good day tomorrow
Thank you all SO much for your support and encouragement. Hope you're all doing OK too.
M
So far, so good. It's been over 25 hours since my last drink. Yay! Had a busy day, then when I came home (which is when I'd usually knock back my first vodka), I made supper for my little one and decided I'd have some too. When I drink, I always make sure I have my first one on an empty stomach and then I'd usually pick at a few nuts for the rest of the evening, while I drink. The remaining elements of anorexia are still the stronger 'force' so after eating some eggs and toast, I couldn't 'justify' adding more calories. More importantly, I sat with my child and we chatted over our meal.
The only time it got to me today was when I passed the bottles of wine and spirits when I was shopping this afternoon. I looked at them and felt a huge sense of loss. I walked away and thought, "it's only drink! What the f**k am I getting upset about??? I'm not losing a family member here, and, let's face it, drink has NEVER been a friend of mine" I felt like giving the alcohol section the finger, but thought I'd probably get a LOT of strange looks if I did and possibly a trip to the psych ward!
Anyway, a good evening so far. I'm absolutely wrecked now from lack of sleep so hopefully I will get some tonight. Thanks for the tips Lawmama!
Praying for a good day tomorrow
Thank you all SO much for your support and encouragement. Hope you're all doing OK too.
M
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 104
Miela, Hi, I just want to point out a couple things, first drink is a friend while it works it enables us to deal with life where we fail with our own resources.
It's when it stops working that the serious trouble begins and it doesn't get better on it's own.
If you are an alcoholic, what you are experiencing will not improve anything more than temporarily, and as your physical tolerance of alcohol decreases (even as the dependence grows) multiple issues will spill out into all areas of your life.
Anotherwords, continue untreated and you will not have to worry anymore about things 'getting out'.
You would probably be shocked at how apparent your struggles really are if you where to catch a glimpse of yourself from outside the picture with a clear mind.
Sober myself, I can easily spot alcoholics you simply cant cover up the behavioral symptoms and the harder you try the more apparent it becomes.
I hope you find the courage to seek help directly and don't beat around the bushes with this thing. Plenty of good advice in this thread, and if you live in a small town, it may be wise for a number of reasons at least initially to seek help an hour down the highway.
If you use your small town situation as an excuse to crawfish around all the issues raised here it probably wont go well for you.
Prayers
R.
It's when it stops working that the serious trouble begins and it doesn't get better on it's own.
If you are an alcoholic, what you are experiencing will not improve anything more than temporarily, and as your physical tolerance of alcohol decreases (even as the dependence grows) multiple issues will spill out into all areas of your life.
Anotherwords, continue untreated and you will not have to worry anymore about things 'getting out'.
You would probably be shocked at how apparent your struggles really are if you where to catch a glimpse of yourself from outside the picture with a clear mind.
Sober myself, I can easily spot alcoholics you simply cant cover up the behavioral symptoms and the harder you try the more apparent it becomes.
I hope you find the courage to seek help directly and don't beat around the bushes with this thing. Plenty of good advice in this thread, and if you live in a small town, it may be wise for a number of reasons at least initially to seek help an hour down the highway.
If you use your small town situation as an excuse to crawfish around all the issues raised here it probably wont go well for you.
Prayers
R.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Hi, Miela!
Hope you were able to get some rest.I think it's great that you ate some food. I know all about the empty stomach drinking and the calorie counting. I definitely drank my daily caloric allowance (what my anorexic thinking allowed) and then some, and I also usually had a hard time eating when I was sober enough to do so. It's good that you're taking care of yourself; your body will need its nutritional strength this week, especially as good health (among other things) is the foundation upon which a strong sobriety can be built. We'd love to hear from you--no matter what's going on for you.These first few days can be tough.
About mourning the loss of alcohol while you were in the store: This is completely normal and healthy (in my opinion). I DID have to mourn that loss as if it were a family member, because at one point, alcohol was my only "friend," family member, and confidante (i.e., my everything). Choice had fallen out of the equation--which bespeaks the very nature of this disease. I had to cry and even write goodbye letters to alcohol. Sounds dumb, but it was like a very painful break-up. The relationship needed to end, but the process was nonetheless painful. Embrace that; don't run from it or drink over it, thus sustaining the pain. Like a breakup, you eventually heal with time. And, as people in AA say,"time takes time," but you've got to give it a chance.
Again, please know that we are here for you 100%--at least I am--no matter what. You can PM me if you want. I'll be checkingmy inbox.
Best,
Viavai
Hope you were able to get some rest.I think it's great that you ate some food. I know all about the empty stomach drinking and the calorie counting. I definitely drank my daily caloric allowance (what my anorexic thinking allowed) and then some, and I also usually had a hard time eating when I was sober enough to do so. It's good that you're taking care of yourself; your body will need its nutritional strength this week, especially as good health (among other things) is the foundation upon which a strong sobriety can be built. We'd love to hear from you--no matter what's going on for you.These first few days can be tough.
About mourning the loss of alcohol while you were in the store: This is completely normal and healthy (in my opinion). I DID have to mourn that loss as if it were a family member, because at one point, alcohol was my only "friend," family member, and confidante (i.e., my everything). Choice had fallen out of the equation--which bespeaks the very nature of this disease. I had to cry and even write goodbye letters to alcohol. Sounds dumb, but it was like a very painful break-up. The relationship needed to end, but the process was nonetheless painful. Embrace that; don't run from it or drink over it, thus sustaining the pain. Like a breakup, you eventually heal with time. And, as people in AA say,"time takes time," but you've got to give it a chance.
Again, please know that we are here for you 100%--at least I am--no matter what. You can PM me if you want. I'll be checkingmy inbox.
Best,
Viavai
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 39
Hi Miela,
Thanks so much for posting your experiences here. I'm also on day 2, and I've found your bravery in reaching out very inspiring. Please know that you have people cheering you on all over the world!
take care, all the best
Simon
Thanks so much for posting your experiences here. I'm also on day 2, and I've found your bravery in reaching out very inspiring. Please know that you have people cheering you on all over the world!
take care, all the best
Simon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Miela!
Just checking in. Hope you are well. I would also second the book recommendations. I read a lot while trying to get sober and every piece of information helped. I also found Cards book amazingly helpful. Don't just read books on addiction and recovery...read self help books to. Once I got sober I realized the role lack of self love played in my problems. I now work with a life coach on This problems and it has been amazingly effective. I spent 5 years trying to get past day 5...I now have 137 days (guessing on the exact #...I quit accounting.
Check in if you get a second. We Care and would love to hear from you.
Just checking in. Hope you are well. I would also second the book recommendations. I read a lot while trying to get sober and every piece of information helped. I also found Cards book amazingly helpful. Don't just read books on addiction and recovery...read self help books to. Once I got sober I realized the role lack of self love played in my problems. I now work with a life coach on This problems and it has been amazingly effective. I spent 5 years trying to get past day 5...I now have 137 days (guessing on the exact #...I quit accounting.
Check in if you get a second. We Care and would love to hear from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thank you Jeremiah, LawMama, Viavai, LaFemme and welcome Simon
Sorry I haven't posted in a while - been do busy with work etc. Well, I'm coming to the end of Day 5 (can't believe I've come this far!). Wednesday and Thursday were two extremely stressful days and I cannot believe I didn't give in on either of those days. So far, so good. I find that my stomach hasn't been great though. It feels so 'acidy' and I'm quite nauseous a lot of the time. Anyone else experience this? I thought it might be normal symptoms of anxiety which, normally, would be masked by the queasiness left by alcohol?
So, I spoke to a friend of mine (doctor) who I can trust. Didn't mention the alcohol but said I'm not coping very well. We're going to see what we can do.
Thank you all again so much for your support and encouragement. I wouldn't be this far without you all.
Thank you
M
Sorry I haven't posted in a while - been do busy with work etc. Well, I'm coming to the end of Day 5 (can't believe I've come this far!). Wednesday and Thursday were two extremely stressful days and I cannot believe I didn't give in on either of those days. So far, so good. I find that my stomach hasn't been great though. It feels so 'acidy' and I'm quite nauseous a lot of the time. Anyone else experience this? I thought it might be normal symptoms of anxiety which, normally, would be masked by the queasiness left by alcohol?
So, I spoke to a friend of mine (doctor) who I can trust. Didn't mention the alcohol but said I'm not coping very well. We're going to see what we can do.
Thank you all again so much for your support and encouragement. I wouldn't be this far without you all.
Thank you
M
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