How do I support AB while he is abusive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
How do I support AB while he is abusive
I hope it is okay to post this here. I just am really seeking feedback from those who are in recovery. I want to support my AB as he tries to get sober, and I want so much to do it the "right" way and a kind way yet without enabling him...
I was living at his house. He has been in the program awhile and I have been in Al-Anon awhile. He had a relapse about a month ago and started smoking pot pretty much non-stop. We discussed it at times, and I finally told him if that was what he chose to do I wouldn't be able to be around it. I ended up making the decision to stay back at my house for a while and he chose to continue smoking.
He came out to my house uninvited on Sunday and was very abusive towards me. He has done this before, and, shame on me, I keep going back. I do not want to go back this time into the abusive situation, even though I love him very much.
All that to say, he called me yesterday, once more saying he was "sorry", and that he needed my help. He asked me to support him as a friend because he wanted to get off the dope. This is a hook and trigger for me....to help, be needed, be there, enable, so forth.
Some Al-Anon kicked in. I told him that I wasn't the person that could help him through this, that he needed to get his <butt> to a meeting and that he needed to call someone in the program that understands what he is going through. (Is this the right thing to say?)
I did tell him I could support him from a distance and that I was glad and did support that he was trying to get sober. I did not talk to him the rest of the day and he did not call me.
My not "bringing him dinner" last night triggered anger in him that escalated throughout the day into rage - because I "wasn't there for him". I talked to him this morning. I had spoken to some friends in the program - what do I do, with the abuse, do I "support" him and be there for him, or do I maintain my distance? I told him this morning that I could not physically be present to support him. I told him the best way I could support him was to encourage him to go to a meeting and call folks in recovery. He did not like this, triggered him into a rage, he got verbal with me, and I told him he'd have to find another way to get help, I couldn't help him.
What else, as a family member, is best for me to do to support him as he goes through the withdrawls and tries to get sober? With the abuse, I feel I need to take care of myself and stay a safe distance away from him. Because of the messages he is leaving on my phones, I have chosen to turn my phones off. I did this on Sunday, too, and when he came out to the house, he cut my phone lines because I had chosen not to answer his calls.
Anyway, sorry for the long writing. It helps to share. Thanks for reading. And I so appreciate any of your feedback. Again, I hope it is okay my coming in from the "otherside", but I really appreciate feedback from your recovery, experience, strength, hope - how best I can help when someone is trying to get sober.
thanks,
I was living at his house. He has been in the program awhile and I have been in Al-Anon awhile. He had a relapse about a month ago and started smoking pot pretty much non-stop. We discussed it at times, and I finally told him if that was what he chose to do I wouldn't be able to be around it. I ended up making the decision to stay back at my house for a while and he chose to continue smoking.
He came out to my house uninvited on Sunday and was very abusive towards me. He has done this before, and, shame on me, I keep going back. I do not want to go back this time into the abusive situation, even though I love him very much.
All that to say, he called me yesterday, once more saying he was "sorry", and that he needed my help. He asked me to support him as a friend because he wanted to get off the dope. This is a hook and trigger for me....to help, be needed, be there, enable, so forth.
Some Al-Anon kicked in. I told him that I wasn't the person that could help him through this, that he needed to get his <butt> to a meeting and that he needed to call someone in the program that understands what he is going through. (Is this the right thing to say?)
I did tell him I could support him from a distance and that I was glad and did support that he was trying to get sober. I did not talk to him the rest of the day and he did not call me.
My not "bringing him dinner" last night triggered anger in him that escalated throughout the day into rage - because I "wasn't there for him". I talked to him this morning. I had spoken to some friends in the program - what do I do, with the abuse, do I "support" him and be there for him, or do I maintain my distance? I told him this morning that I could not physically be present to support him. I told him the best way I could support him was to encourage him to go to a meeting and call folks in recovery. He did not like this, triggered him into a rage, he got verbal with me, and I told him he'd have to find another way to get help, I couldn't help him.
What else, as a family member, is best for me to do to support him as he goes through the withdrawls and tries to get sober? With the abuse, I feel I need to take care of myself and stay a safe distance away from him. Because of the messages he is leaving on my phones, I have chosen to turn my phones off. I did this on Sunday, too, and when he came out to the house, he cut my phone lines because I had chosen not to answer his calls.
Anyway, sorry for the long writing. It helps to share. Thanks for reading. And I so appreciate any of your feedback. Again, I hope it is okay my coming in from the "otherside", but I really appreciate feedback from your recovery, experience, strength, hope - how best I can help when someone is trying to get sober.
thanks,
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Tell him you want so much to be supportive that you are asking him to write out what he means by "Support". Then you can have a chance to agree or to not agree to his terms for "support".
I think people throw this word around too much and use it to manipulate others and it sounds like he's taking you for a ride.
Best of luck.
I think people throw this word around too much and use it to manipulate others and it sounds like he's taking you for a ride.
Best of luck.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
He cut your phone lines?? What a jerk!
You are right, this man is abusive and I fear it's only a matter of time until he becomes physically abusive. Forget supporting him. Please, stay away from him and keep yourself safe. This guy is dangerous. If you don't already have one, get a cell phone. He can't cut those lines and you may need it to call police if he comes to your home again.
You are right, this man is abusive and I fear it's only a matter of time until he becomes physically abusive. Forget supporting him. Please, stay away from him and keep yourself safe. This guy is dangerous. If you don't already have one, get a cell phone. He can't cut those lines and you may need it to call police if he comes to your home again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Lizzy P - I don't think any kind of abuse is ever ok.
There's a lot of stickies in our Family and Friends Forums you should read, IMO...like this one...but there's lots more
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
take care
D
There's a lot of stickies in our Family and Friends Forums you should read, IMO...like this one...but there's lots more
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
take care
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Call your nearest domestic violence center and ask to speak to a counselor.
He may not have gotten physical with you...yet.
My stomach lurched when I read he cut your phone lines.
As Dee already stated, abuse is never okay.
He may not have gotten physical with you...yet.
My stomach lurched when I read he cut your phone lines.
As Dee already stated, abuse is never okay.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Lizzy - I don't think it matters whether he's trying to get clean/sober or not, if it's abusive behavior, it's not acceptable. Certainly irritability and moodiness are a part of getting clean/sober, but it sounds like he's taking a lot of anger out on you and trying to manipulate you.
If someone had cut my phone lines, I would have filed a police report. It's a crime. I understand that he's family, so that makes it harder. But if I were you, I would at least document any phone calls, texts, visits, etc. if this behavior continues - if anything, it helps to see things from a non-emotional point of view and gives you handy reference if you have to justify to him or other family members why you can't be involved right now.
I think you handled it great, by the way, with your suggestion to call someone in recovery. Good luck!
If someone had cut my phone lines, I would have filed a police report. It's a crime. I understand that he's family, so that makes it harder. But if I were you, I would at least document any phone calls, texts, visits, etc. if this behavior continues - if anything, it helps to see things from a non-emotional point of view and gives you handy reference if you have to justify to him or other family members why you can't be involved right now.
I think you handled it great, by the way, with your suggestion to call someone in recovery. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
Thank you all for the input and support. I'm too close to see, and your words have provided clarity - to be reminded that abuse is never okay. I did contact a Domestic Violence Counseling Center and have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday. I'm crawling through the crazies in my head until then, but am reaching out here to get input from those in recovery and also f2f in meetings. This is my boyfriend, not legally my husband but I do consider him my family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
I know how that feels to be so close you just can't wrap your head on what is actually really happening....and great you are reaching out for guidance..I was in an abusive relationship for 7 long years..and didn't reach out...I think that's the reason for staying so long....Please don't put up with it for one more minute....YOU deserve and have a right to be treated will respect.... ((Big Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
You are in the role of enablers at the moment...this doesn't mean that you areencouraging him, you could be abusive back, physically assault him everytime you see him etc but as long as he thinks you will always be there in some way shape or form why would he change? Isn't this something that's covered in al-anon?! They call it detachment? (im guessing, i know little about al-anon)...
So let him get on with it and, what i would advise as you asked, is to say that you care for him, cant live with it and will consider seeing him as a friend when he is a year sober, has gone on some domestic violance course and not before...then get on with your life and let him get some help for himself...
Good luck to you both!
Of course you should have gotten out of the relationship at the first sign of abuse so i would second what a lot of posters have implied and that is you need to get help asap for yourself otherwise you will keep finding your way into these sorts of relationships...
So let him get on with it and, what i would advise as you asked, is to say that you care for him, cant live with it and will consider seeing him as a friend when he is a year sober, has gone on some domestic violance course and not before...then get on with your life and let him get some help for himself...
Good luck to you both!
Of course you should have gotten out of the relationship at the first sign of abuse so i would second what a lot of posters have implied and that is you need to get help asap for yourself otherwise you will keep finding your way into these sorts of relationships...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LizzyP 
Thank you all for the input and support. I'm too close to see, and your words have provided clarity - to be reminded that abuse is never okay. I did contact a Domestic Violence Counseling Center and have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday. I'm crawling through the crazies in my head until then, but am reaching out here to get input from those in recovery and also f2f in meetings. This is my boyfriend, not legally my husband but I do consider him my family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
I am so grateful for SR being here. Feeling a little crazy tonight. I did have to call the police this afternoon and filed a Criminal Trespass. ABF was escorted from my property. This might sound like a small step, but for me to call the police and I have to enforce this, is hard for me to do.
With the abuse, it doesn't make sense until you've been here. As I read recently, you can talk the talk, but until you've walked the walk, you don't know....I never thought I'd find myself in an abusive relationship like this one and not be able to leave. It makes no sense. The closest I can liken it to is as with any addiction. I know it's bad for me, doing me harm, abusing myself, ultimately will kill me. And yet. I crave it. I want it. I can't be without it. I obsess non-stop for it. I go back for more, and the abuse gets worse.
Sick, huh?
So I have to get help. My counselor told me it would take a village to get me out of this relationship. SR is part of that village as I reach out to you.
I feel crazy tonight, because I feel so guilty! ABF has been so abusive to me, escalating over the last few days. And yet. The abuse is drowned out by him telling me all he wanted was for me to be a friend and support him through getting off the dope....hold his hand....That is all I keep hearing in my head, and then I think, if I had only done this, if I had just picked up the phone, it wouldn't have escalated, if I had just been there for him like he had asked me to be....
I did pick up the phone one time and asked him if he was really serious about getting sober? I told him I'm not qualified to help him and for him to please call one of his AA buddies <mentioned by name a few>. He said f*** no he wasn't going to call them.
He wanted me <his best codie>. Guess that's part of my answer?
And yet... I just feel so guilty like I'm suppose to be there for him!! And look at what I've done. Told the police and looked ABF square in the face and said, "Do not call me, do not contact me. The next time you come on my property uninvited it will be criminal trespassing and I will call the police". He cried and said all he wanted was for me to hold his hand.
Sorry, I know I'm sort of spitting out the sickness inside of me....
Recovery?
Focus on the solution.
If you keep doing the same old your going to keep getting the same old.
I have to do differently. Today I did differently.
I am powerless over his sobriety.
I am powerless over my addiction to him.
I have to reach out to my Higher Power,
and I have to allow and trust his Higher Power to take care of him.
With the abuse, it doesn't make sense until you've been here. As I read recently, you can talk the talk, but until you've walked the walk, you don't know....I never thought I'd find myself in an abusive relationship like this one and not be able to leave. It makes no sense. The closest I can liken it to is as with any addiction. I know it's bad for me, doing me harm, abusing myself, ultimately will kill me. And yet. I crave it. I want it. I can't be without it. I obsess non-stop for it. I go back for more, and the abuse gets worse.
Sick, huh?
So I have to get help. My counselor told me it would take a village to get me out of this relationship. SR is part of that village as I reach out to you.
I feel crazy tonight, because I feel so guilty! ABF has been so abusive to me, escalating over the last few days. And yet. The abuse is drowned out by him telling me all he wanted was for me to be a friend and support him through getting off the dope....hold his hand....That is all I keep hearing in my head, and then I think, if I had only done this, if I had just picked up the phone, it wouldn't have escalated, if I had just been there for him like he had asked me to be....
I did pick up the phone one time and asked him if he was really serious about getting sober? I told him I'm not qualified to help him and for him to please call one of his AA buddies <mentioned by name a few>. He said f*** no he wasn't going to call them.
He wanted me <his best codie>. Guess that's part of my answer?
And yet... I just feel so guilty like I'm suppose to be there for him!! And look at what I've done. Told the police and looked ABF square in the face and said, "Do not call me, do not contact me. The next time you come on my property uninvited it will be criminal trespassing and I will call the police". He cried and said all he wanted was for me to hold his hand.
Sorry, I know I'm sort of spitting out the sickness inside of me....
Recovery?
Focus on the solution.
If you keep doing the same old your going to keep getting the same old.
I have to do differently. Today I did differently.
I am powerless over his sobriety.
I am powerless over my addiction to him.
I have to reach out to my Higher Power,
and I have to allow and trust his Higher Power to take care of him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 19
LizzyP
I have learned through my own (and others) experiences that addicts become experts at lying and manipulation.
It sounds like he is not ready for help and wants to drag you to the gutter with him. He needs a wake-up call and doing what you did could be it, but that's up to him. He needs to get better before being in a relationship.
You did the right thing.
I have learned through my own (and others) experiences that addicts become experts at lying and manipulation.
It sounds like he is not ready for help and wants to drag you to the gutter with him. He needs a wake-up call and doing what you did could be it, but that's up to him. He needs to get better before being in a relationship.
You did the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LizzyP
I am so grateful for SR being here. Feeling a little crazy tonight. I did have to call the police this afternoon and filed a Criminal Trespass. ABF was escorted from my property. This might sound like a small step, but for me to call the police and I have to enforce this, is hard for me to do.
See if you can't get your hands on a copy of the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Holy Toledo, I swore that woman wrote the book for me!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Lizzy...congrats on taking the steps necessary to protect yourself...I am so impressed by how brave you are being...I think calling the police Is HUGE!
Take care and keep us posted.
Hugs, LaFemme
Take care and keep us posted.
Hugs, LaFemme
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