sleepie

I know this doesn't have to do with drinking but I have been pulling my hair out again- literally. I have a disorder that causes me to pull it out strand by strand and I have been so stressed and sad lately that I have been engaging in this shameful behavior- and it's demolishing what frail framework of self esteem I have built over the last year. I am so f***cked up, I don't know what to do- there are no medical treatments for any of the disorders that trouble me most and I see no light at the end of the tunnel... This is such a demeaning and upsetting disorder, I am so alone with this and other things. I am so horribly, literally alone. I apologize for the bummer of a post. I am so empty.

Toronto68

Sleepie, I don't know what it's called, but I have a friend (long distance) that had that. Is it like a cousin to OCD? I thought she said she took medication for it. She gained some more hair volume (I don't remember how much) after creating bald spots. That's the extent of what I know about it.

How long have you had this, and what kind of recommendations have you gotten from the doctors/counsellors you have been seeing recently?

sleepie

I had my first bout when I was 13. It's called trichotillomania. Even the name conjures visions of thousand legged, venomous vermin- for me anyway. It is defined as on the spectrum of OCD. I have treid many medications. Tourette's, OCD, ADD and other undesirable conditions tend to exist together. I am just plain f***ed up. I wish I had one definitive disorder that was treatable but I don't. This is all very hard to live with. My counselor, like most- has had to research based on recommendations from my own research to gain any insight. So in effect- I am messed up, and have to point "professionals" in the direction of what may help me. I just wish I was bi-polar, or simply depressed- those are well known and treatable conditions. Anyone who takes offense to that statement- please know I am not saying you have it easy however I am saying that to live an untreatable and largely unknown condition or set of conditions as in my case is pure hell. A lonely, negating and horrid place to exist. And I got stuck with it. And if anyone feels moved to get on me about self pity or censor me- THAT IS A VERY BAD IDEA RIGHT NOW. I am in immense pain. Do you understand?

sleepie

Forget it. You probably just think I am being aggressive. I should just accept my place as a worthless welcome mat before I upset people.

nacona

awww - I totally understand. I do the same thing to my eyelashes. I have next to none on my left eye. I have to constantly stay on top of it. I KNOW I do it in my sleep too. I have been diagnosed with mild OCD but take no meds. I feel pretty ****** up and lost right now too - I KNOW how you feel. Hang on - they all say it gets better.

TheEnd

No, I don't understand and I won't pretend to understand. I feel a lot of pain in your words and I feel badly that you have to go through this, really I do. You seem to dwell on all the negative things about you, but I can't believe that there isn't anything positive in your life. I don't know much about your past, but you said you have been dealing with this since you were 13, well to me it takes strong person to have to wake up and deal with this on a daily basis.

Sleepie you have to believe that you are an important person and your life is worth living, you have to know deep down inside that you matter, no matter how many things that may be going wrong with you, having you on this earth makes a difference.

I don't know what it's like to be you, but I do know something, no matter how bad you feel and no matter how hard life gets, continuing to drink when you are an alcoholic will only bring you down and make you feel worse than you already feel. I really do hope you find some peace in your life, maybe try joining a support group for people with similar conditions as yourself.

But sleepie, no matter what, don't drink.

meditation

I do remember seeing a documentary about this disorder. I wish I could find it but the person did find help and had before and after shots of her hair. Her hair was growing out beautifully, it was either Oprah, or Tyra type shows I saw and girl had a website about her life and how she was finally helped. I thought it was interesting in that I'd never heard about that before. Maybe you could invent the cure. Sometimes it helps to just vent frustration.

Toronto68

Well, I wouldn't know how educated the medical community is about OCD and the conditions that are related to it. Or whether you have been going through more red tape with the medical community of late.

I am starting to come to terms with the idea of looking into my own issues some more. I have my One Year tomorrow, and that's all good, but I am still seeing indications that I have some other work to do. I'm pleased, but I am also half-alive in a way.

I have been told by a layperson that I have OCD (by someone who has it and is on medication for it - clearly, an observation, not a diagnosis). The rough idea that there is a natural chemical in the body and that imbalances of it can weed out into different "maturations" of a problem (OCD, panic, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, sex addiction, gambling addiction, etc) makes some sense to me. And it has all along really, but I wanted to give myself time to understand whether my experience (which is like the lightning at the same time as the sun in my avatar - both up and down in one moment) is only an aftermath to alcoholic drinking. I don't know, but I think it's not just post-drinking stuff; not just PAWS. I think I may need some more look-see. I didn't get ____-all diagnosed when I was younger and before I crossed my drinking line.

So I might be able to compare some more notes with you sometime soon, at the very least.

Are you staying off your drinking? I don't mean that as a jab. Just a simple question about something that can only add complications.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel so badly Sleepie.

I don't know anything about this disorder - please continue keeping your therapist up to date on everything that you're going through right now.

D

sleepie

I don't take it as a jab Toronto. I have had more sober days than not lately- but I have not been perfect. I am weaning off my anxiety med as well which is necessary but I can't handle my natural state. I have been a shame ridden hypochondriac for years. I used to worry about illness before I drank and I was even worried about the potential black holes years ago when the Hadron Collider was being tested- I know it sounds silly but my capacity for worry is just that far reaching. I can worry about everything and anything, and I was like this before meds and drinking were ever a part of my life. It's no wonder I want to hide under the covers and safely sleep my days away. Something is awfully wrong, and it manifests in so many ways. I don't know what to do anymore. Being sober is terrifying. Being drunk is scary too. Being medicated or not also worries me. I am fundamentally damaged- I think beyond repair. I have addressed this with my therapist, and she says, of course that I must show myself kindness and compassion. I equate that with smugness and complacency, and so I am at a loss...

Ninsuna

I'm so sorry you're in pain, Sleepie. While your specific condition is rare, many of us have things we hid from or just tried to anesthetize with alcohol. When we finally crawl out of the bottle those same ugly things are waiting for us.

I used to combine alcohol and anxiety meds because I just wanted to sleep-all the time-I hated conciousness with a passion. I can relate to your feeling of sleeping being safe-only time I wasn't afraid and in pain. I would like to echo those who have suggested support groups, maybe not specifically for your condition (I would imagine they are hard to find) but maybe a more general one that deals with compulsion/self-harm?

Bamboozle

Sleepie, you always have the option to get a different therapist.

You could tell your therapist that what she's telling you is not helpful at all. Ask your therapist exactly how much experience she has working with people who have the same conditions. You can ask your therapist to refer you to someone with more experience. You can also see a psychiatrist. It could be that your therapist is simply not capable of helping you with the conditions you need treated. There are therapists and/or psychologists out there who do have experience in treating/helping people with your conditions. Please don't get discouraged. Remember that your therapist works for YOU. If she isn't doing her job you can fire her. Whatever happens, please keep seeking out professional help.

Toronto68

OK, I don't remember whether you said you tried interacting with others who have OCD, whether here or some other channel?

I can't have to sign off for now but will be back later.

least

SoberNVa

As a bipolar I dont take offence to your statement,Sleepie. mood swings and the depression often make me feel exactly as you do at times,like I just want to stay in bed and not get up So I empathize. I also do understand about the hair=pulling. I have the same disorder. Mine manifests in the form of compulsively scratching my head. I have worn bald spots in my head at times. I too wish there was a pill I couuld take for that.
I am not gonna tell you you are full of self-pity. Clearly your suffering goes far beyond mere self-pity as does mine. I am so sorry you are in pain,and i am truly sorry if anything i have posted in the past has added to your pain. I lash out at times when Im in the grips of my own illness and that is wrong of me. Im so sorry.
Have you thought about what sort of recovery program you could use for getting and staying sober? I can tell you from my own experience that alcohol only seemed to help me feel better. In reality it ended up making things worse. If not AA, then perhaps Women for Sobriety,SOS,or Rational Recovery? Or perhaps it is something you could work on with your therapist.
Best Wishes to you,and I really do hope you feel better soon.

Seren

Hi Sleepie,

Both my sister and my husband's daughter had the same thing. It is very treatable and doctors do know about it. My sister used to pull out her eyelashes, eyebrows, and her hair but does not anymore after treatment. I hope you will see a doctor and get the help you need. You are not alone!

Hugs, HG

pongo

Sleepie, there is nothing too hard for God. God will bring you out of any situation if you follow. I know that is really easy to say and really hard to do. God didn't cause your problems and s/he isn't going to give you what you want. But, if you align yourself with God you will be working in concert with the most powerful force in the universe.

People here really truly do care for you.

sleepie

Thanks for the kind words. SuperNVA your apology means a lot to me, I accept and really appreciate it. It restores some of my faith in people, as do the many comments and responses here. I am taking it slow. I am grappling with the idea of being less harsh on myself. Trying to come to terms with the fact that everyone deals with situations differently. That maybe I have some worth, something of value to impart. I am realizing that I have worked really hard this past year and have made progress even though it hasn't been perfect- I am still in a better place than I was this time last year. Still not great, but better for me at least. it's scary to even write that, it sounds like I'm patting myself on the back for very, very little. But all things considered...

tmbg

I've been reading your posts since I found SR, Sleepie, and it really makes me happy for you when I see signs of progress. Believe it or not, your struggles inspire others. Let your mind get used to the feeling of giving yourself a pat on the back!

brokenheartfool

I have something akin to this. I twist my hair. Twisting it a lot breaks it and knots it, and pulls some out at the roots, although unintentionally.
Did you know that stimulating the scalp actually produces a drug?

I am considering wearing a hat! I do this when I'm alone reading or watching tv. Perhaps give my fingers something else to play with, even if only a used wrapper.
I've been alone too much lately, and spending too much time online. Rarely does the urge to do this hit in public places.

This affects more women than men simply because our hair is longer and we tend to play with it more because of that.
It is also I think, not that different from nail biting. Mine starts with an anxious thought, I've caught this--and then my hand moves to my hair, as if that is some way to solve whatever troubled me.
It may be OCD, but I think it is anxiety caused also, because I have recognized a direct correlation between a troubling thought of mine and then starting the twisting.

Withdrawing from both alcohol and anti-anxiety drugs, it is no wonder that this behavior has stepped up for you.
Forgive yourself for this behavior during this transition period, and consider a hat to remind yourself to keep your hands busy in other ways, so that you don't do it subconsciously, but must make a conscious decision to remove the hat and start at it.
Just a thought.