relapse after 5 months sober
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
relapse after 5 months sober
Ok, so I'm back on day one after almost 6 months of sobriety. I was doing really well with not drinking for a long time, but my moodswings have been out of control lately, and I haven't been able to shake the self hatred and feelings of being unworthy. In the past few weeks I have been allowing myself to get deep in depression and self pity,
Usually I'm able to snap out of it but this time my bad mood stuck with me and got worse and worse until I finally just decided to numb it with alcohol. Bad idea, really. My reasons for quitting in the first place involved some pretty scary health-problems caused by drinking and within three days of drinking I was back to almost the same place I was when I first stopped drinking this summer. So I'm pretty angry with myself now for ******* up all the progress I had made.
I am more set on staying sober then ever though. I realized now, upon drinking again, that it wasn't even fun. Sure, the very first glass was nice, but that was it! Everything after that was awful and just not worth it.
It's amazing how I forgot all about how bad I felt when I stopped drinking, How I quickly went from being super secure in my sobriety to just saying **** it.
My conclusion is that simply staying sober and counting the days isn't enough for me in order to stay sober in the long run. I need to do something about all of the emotional crap that I beat myself up with. I need to evolve spiritually, get past all of those feelings of being worthless and find some kind of peace in myself.... work the 12 steps I guess, wish I haven't been doing at all.
Just wanted to share my experience.
Usually I'm able to snap out of it but this time my bad mood stuck with me and got worse and worse until I finally just decided to numb it with alcohol. Bad idea, really. My reasons for quitting in the first place involved some pretty scary health-problems caused by drinking and within three days of drinking I was back to almost the same place I was when I first stopped drinking this summer. So I'm pretty angry with myself now for ******* up all the progress I had made.
I am more set on staying sober then ever though. I realized now, upon drinking again, that it wasn't even fun. Sure, the very first glass was nice, but that was it! Everything after that was awful and just not worth it.
It's amazing how I forgot all about how bad I felt when I stopped drinking, How I quickly went from being super secure in my sobriety to just saying **** it.
My conclusion is that simply staying sober and counting the days isn't enough for me in order to stay sober in the long run. I need to do something about all of the emotional crap that I beat myself up with. I need to evolve spiritually, get past all of those feelings of being worthless and find some kind of peace in myself.... work the 12 steps I guess, wish I haven't been doing at all.
Just wanted to share my experience.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Sorry to hear that, I would suggest writing down exactly how you feel and next time you are feeling like having a drink, read what you wrote. I think sometimes we forget about the horrible place we were in and think oh it really wasn't that bad. Time is a great thing, it heals the pain, but sometimes we need to remember that pain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by sable1 
Ok, so I'm back on day one after almost 6 months of sobriety. I was doing really well with not drinking for a long time, but my moodswings have been out of control lately, and I haven't been able to shake the self hatred and feelings of being unworthy. In the past few weeks I have been allowing myself to get deep in depression and self pity,
Usually I'm able to snap out of it but this time my bad mood stuck with me and got worse and worse until I finally just decided to numb it with alcohol. Bad idea, really. My reasons for quitting in the first place involved some pretty scary health-problems caused by drinking and within three days of drinking I was back to almost the same place I was when I first stopped drinking this summer. So I'm pretty angry with myself now for ******* up all the progress I had made.
I am more set on staying sober then ever though. I realized now, upon drinking again, that it wasn't even fun. Sure, the very first glass was nice, but that was it! Everything after that was awful and just not worth it.
It's amazing how I forgot all about how bad I felt when I stopped drinking, How I quickly went from being super secure in my sobriety to just saying **** it.
My conclusion is that simply staying sober and counting the days isn't enough for me in order to stay sober in the long run. I need to do something about all of the emotional crap that I beat myself up with. I need to evolve spiritually, get past all of those feelings of being worthless and find some kind of peace in myself.... work the 12 steps I guess, wish I haven't been doing at all.
Just wanted to share my experience.
Usually I'm able to snap out of it but this time my bad mood stuck with me and got worse and worse until I finally just decided to numb it with alcohol. Bad idea, really. My reasons for quitting in the first place involved some pretty scary health-problems caused by drinking and within three days of drinking I was back to almost the same place I was when I first stopped drinking this summer. So I'm pretty angry with myself now for ******* up all the progress I had made.
I am more set on staying sober then ever though. I realized now, upon drinking again, that it wasn't even fun. Sure, the very first glass was nice, but that was it! Everything after that was awful and just not worth it.
It's amazing how I forgot all about how bad I felt when I stopped drinking, How I quickly went from being super secure in my sobriety to just saying **** it.
My conclusion is that simply staying sober and counting the days isn't enough for me in order to stay sober in the long run. I need to do something about all of the emotional crap that I beat myself up with. I need to evolve spiritually, get past all of those feelings of being worthless and find some kind of peace in myself.... work the 12 steps I guess, wish I haven't been doing at all.
Just wanted to share my experience.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
yeah i did that too...and lots of people told me to go to AA along those 5 months, kept saying i would but didn't...even looked into what the 12 steps were and they did make sense if seemed a little scary!
Actually i did the 5 monthish abstinance thing a few times things would be great for a while and i did very much enjoy not drinking but, although i even changed externals on some of the tries, i didnt change me so at some point i would just get fed up with me basically, get all down, irritable and discontent with life and drink again...
For me it was the same old BS i was trying to run my own world with everything and everyone in its place and people and things kept doing stuff that didnt sit well with me...tryoing to control everything and thats why i ended up living with alcohol and in my own head...like i said with avoiding situations and staying at home a lot i could always manage a short stint...well until i gave up trying to give up i got so fed up with it...
Anyways you are onto something with the 12 steps...i went and found someone who had been sober a while in AA, spoke to them about their life and was sure they were happy like i wanted to be, asked them to be my sponsor and help me work the steps...its pretty logical really find someone who has successfully done what you want to do and copy them...make sure they have a road map though rather than the everything will be ok or the pick yourself up and try again BS else you might as well copy and paste this post for 2011?!
Good luck:-)
Actually i did the 5 monthish abstinance thing a few times things would be great for a while and i did very much enjoy not drinking but, although i even changed externals on some of the tries, i didnt change me so at some point i would just get fed up with me basically, get all down, irritable and discontent with life and drink again...
For me it was the same old BS i was trying to run my own world with everything and everyone in its place and people and things kept doing stuff that didnt sit well with me...tryoing to control everything and thats why i ended up living with alcohol and in my own head...like i said with avoiding situations and staying at home a lot i could always manage a short stint...well until i gave up trying to give up i got so fed up with it...
Anyways you are onto something with the 12 steps...i went and found someone who had been sober a while in AA, spoke to them about their life and was sure they were happy like i wanted to be, asked them to be my sponsor and help me work the steps...its pretty logical really find someone who has successfully done what you want to do and copy them...make sure they have a road map though rather than the everything will be ok or the pick yourself up and try again BS else you might as well copy and paste this post for 2011?!
Good luck:-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Welcome back sable 
Strong recovery requires some pretty dramatic internal changes, whether that's through AA, SMART, counseling or another method. It's easy to get off track, which is why having a program or a support group is so fantastic. Welcome back. Glad you're here.
Strong recovery requires some pretty dramatic internal changes, whether that's through AA, SMART, counseling or another method. It's easy to get off track, which is why having a program or a support group is so fantastic. Welcome back. Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: ca
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by sable1
Ok, so I'm back on day one after almost 6 months of sobriety. I was doing really well with not drinking for a long time, but my moodswings have been out of control lately, and I haven't been able to shake the self hatred and feelings of being unworthy. In the past few weeks I have been allowing myself to get deep in depression and self pity,
Usually I'm able to snap out of it but this time my bad mood stuck with me and got worse and worse until I finally just decided to numb it with alcohol. Bad idea, really. My reasons for quitting in the first place involved some pretty scary health-problems caused by drinking and within three days of drinking I was back to almost the same place I was when I first stopped drinking this summer. So I'm pretty angry with myself now for ******* up all the progress I had made.
I am more set on staying sober then ever though. I realized now, upon drinking again, that it wasn't even fun. Sure, the very first glass was nice, but that was it! Everything after that was awful and just not worth it.
It's amazing how I forgot all about how bad I felt when I stopped drinking, How I quickly went from being super secure in my sobriety to just saying **** it.
My conclusion is that simply staying sober and counting the days isn't enough for me in order to stay sober in the long run. I need to do something about all of the emotional crap that I beat myself up with. I need to evolve spiritually, get past all of those feelings of being worthless and find some kind of peace in myself.... work the 12 steps I guess, wish I haven't been doing at all.
Just wanted to share my experience.
Usually I'm able to snap out of it but this time my bad mood stuck with me and got worse and worse until I finally just decided to numb it with alcohol. Bad idea, really. My reasons for quitting in the first place involved some pretty scary health-problems caused by drinking and within three days of drinking I was back to almost the same place I was when I first stopped drinking this summer. So I'm pretty angry with myself now for ******* up all the progress I had made.
I am more set on staying sober then ever though. I realized now, upon drinking again, that it wasn't even fun. Sure, the very first glass was nice, but that was it! Everything after that was awful and just not worth it.
It's amazing how I forgot all about how bad I felt when I stopped drinking, How I quickly went from being super secure in my sobriety to just saying **** it.
My conclusion is that simply staying sober and counting the days isn't enough for me in order to stay sober in the long run. I need to do something about all of the emotional crap that I beat myself up with. I need to evolve spiritually, get past all of those feelings of being worthless and find some kind of peace in myself.... work the 12 steps I guess, wish I haven't been doing at all.
Just wanted to share my experience.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
Least said it all. And yes if you're going to do AA its literally all or nothing. I was notorious for self pity so I can relate to you on that level. What my sponsor told me about self pity is that it is actually our pride working in reverse. When our wants and will aren't being met we tend to get into ourselves and feel sorry for ourselves. "poor me, why me", we have to remember that we are not in control, the man above is.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Remember that you still had a long and successful period of sobriety, so while you're back at day one, your body and mind have been healing during that time. And all we have is the 24 period in front of us anyway.
I'm glad you got back and are talking about what you went through - it really helped remind me tonight that there's nothing about drinking I want to revisit.
Give yourself a hug, ok?
I'm glad you got back and are talking about what you went through - it really helped remind me tonight that there's nothing about drinking I want to revisit.
Give yourself a hug, ok?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Glad you are back Sable and posting. You can do this. Many of us have been there and you can pick up and do it different - I know I did. I know keeping with SR and getting face to face support was tremendous in my recovery.
Keep it going!
Keep it going!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
Actually i did the 5 monthish abstinance thing a few times things would be great for a while and i did very much enjoy not drinking but, although i even changed externals on some of the tries, i didnt change me so at some point i would just get fed up with me basically, get all down, irritable and discontent with life and drink again...
For me it was the same old BS i was trying to run my own world with everything and everyone in its place and people and things kept doing stuff that didnt sit well with me...tryoing to control everything and thats why i ended up living with alcohol and in my own head...like i said with avoiding situations and staying at home a lot i could always manage a short stint...well until i gave up trying to give up i got so fed up with it...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by tjhook
I too am back on day 1 today. It has been a rough year and I made it rougher by abusing the booze, and you are right...it stopped being fun for me too. Today I have all the classic wd symptoms...but I am glad my liver is getting a much needed rest. Just wanted you to know that I am right there with you on day 1....we can do this! I am going to meetings this time....because I know I will fail trying this again alone. My heart was broken recently and I have lost faith in a lot of things, therefore I am going to reach out for help and do this right.
I have decided to not do this alone either this time. I contacted an outpatient program, and went there yesterday for the first time. I'm going again and will be put in some kind of group with women around my age. I think it will be good, I decided that I owe it to myself to do this properly!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by sable1
Wow, that sounds a lot like me, I have to say. That's exactly why I ended up drinking. I was just very sick of myself, being in my own head and thoughts so much that I just wanted to take a break from it.
Hmmm, can you say "spiritual malady?" lol.
Good call on AA sable. You sound a lot like I felt. The drinking was bad.....but my problem was "me" and I can't exactly get away from me without getting drunk, stoned, or dead. (.......or RECOVERED) --> I didn't know that the AA program was designed to "fix" ppl who thought like me - I thought it was a no-drinking club.
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