I feel awful.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: DE
Posts: 48
Stewart, your post sounds a lot like me before I surrendered. I studied everything I could on alcohol, obviously the mere fact I was seeking the information indicated I had a problem that I didn't want anymore, this stuggle went on for well over a Decade for me. It wasn't until I got so depressed and didn't want to suffer anymore trying to take my own life that I came to the fact that there was no more lying to myself and living in Delusion. If your not at that point "yet", it is progressive and will take everything from you up to your life. I'm grateful everyday I didn't succeed at taking my life now and that I'm sober. I was never content before, always wanting more, buy a new house, that last for a few weeks, then I wanted to buy sh*t to outfit it, lasted days, then a new car, clothes, the list is endless trying to fill a Void in me that was never satisfied.... all this and I still wanted to F*cking DIE every single day. Luckily I was given one more chance at my life, keeping my job and my possessions, not that it matters... I would give it all up without a passing thought if it meant to have what I have now, sobriety and a life with my HP for just a moment. I pray you may be ready without suffering the many losses as soooo many do before coming to terms with this fatal and chronic disease.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who chipped in this time last week when i was feeling particularly bad. I think it's important for me to keep re-reading stuff ive posted on this website, to remind me of how low I can get. I've not touched a drop and I genuinely don't intend to in the coming weeks and months. I want to get to the bottom of whatever has been bothering me for most of my life and i've got to do it clear headed, it's the only way.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
Initially the thought of AA and admitting that I was an alcoholic did not resinated well with me either. I tried to quit drinking on my own many times, but failed each time. I had to finally swallow my false pride and muster up the courage to walk into the room. Admitting defeat is a very difficult thing to do, but I found to continue suffering was much more difficult. I'm honestly glad I found AA because without it I would most certainly be drunk and not writing this to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
I honestly couldn't tell you why I have so much problem with the A word? Maybe it's because I had pre existing problems that I feel are the route source of my unhappiness?But then thats everyone with alcohol isn'it it? But i've OBVIOUSLY got a problem with alcohol thats as clear as day. I know how much worse I feel with alcohol in my life yet I've had a gazillion failed attempts to cut it out!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hmm... The idea of being vigilant and trying not to drink doesn't appeal to you... Well, that idea doesn't appeal to me either. The program of AA is my solution... I don't try not to drink anymore... that problem is removed. I am vigilant, but spiritually... and that's good stuff... Life has more meaning.
Maybe give AA a try... You don't have to stay if you don't like it, but who knows, maybe you will..
Maybe give AA a try... You don't have to stay if you don't like it, but who knows, maybe you will..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Hi Stewart, I haven't talked with you for a while. I don't remember if I mentioned this to you before, but something really important happened for me when I went with "I'm an alcoholic." The recognition is the start. Once I looked at my problem as something that would likely be with me for life - like a disease - it seemed like I could face it and stop. No more wondering about it for 15years and getting beaten up with drunkenness in the process. Inside the defeat there was a winning for me.
Are you worried about equating yourself with an undesirable image when you think of the word alcoholic? Someone looking awful, acting like a loser? Someone despicable you want to shun? All those things are possible in an alcoholic, but another part of the reality is that every walk of life and every shape and size can be alcoholic. There are a couple of people your age talking to you here who are recovering and they say they are alcoholics. They also know they have something to be grateful for and something in them worth preserving instead of the available option of drinking.
I've been thinking lately about some of my own "root problems," which are a mystery to me still, but I did myself a favour to put an end to drinking first. Alcoholic drinking is an addiction, yes, but it can also be a symptom too. What do you medicate against? The medicine seemed like it made me a better person, but that was false; it just gave me something else to work on. I'm lucky I quit drinking. Now I can keep going.
I am guessing that the reluctance to embrace the A word is the same part of you that could embrace the option to drink again. (I can't control that of course.) What does it feel like if you picture yourself carrying a case of the bottles you would drink from everywhere you go, even having to go jogging with them? At the cinema, at the bank, at the store, next to a girl, you have a case with you as long as you are a drinker. By yourself too. It should feel burdensome!
And then is there less weight if you say to yourself you are an alcoholic?
Just some thoughts for you.
Are you worried about equating yourself with an undesirable image when you think of the word alcoholic? Someone looking awful, acting like a loser? Someone despicable you want to shun? All those things are possible in an alcoholic, but another part of the reality is that every walk of life and every shape and size can be alcoholic. There are a couple of people your age talking to you here who are recovering and they say they are alcoholics. They also know they have something to be grateful for and something in them worth preserving instead of the available option of drinking.
I've been thinking lately about some of my own "root problems," which are a mystery to me still, but I did myself a favour to put an end to drinking first. Alcoholic drinking is an addiction, yes, but it can also be a symptom too. What do you medicate against? The medicine seemed like it made me a better person, but that was false; it just gave me something else to work on. I'm lucky I quit drinking. Now I can keep going.
I am guessing that the reluctance to embrace the A word is the same part of you that could embrace the option to drink again. (I can't control that of course.) What does it feel like if you picture yourself carrying a case of the bottles you would drink from everywhere you go, even having to go jogging with them? At the cinema, at the bank, at the store, next to a girl, you have a case with you as long as you are a drinker. By yourself too. It should feel burdensome!
And then is there less weight if you say to yourself you are an alcoholic?
Just some thoughts for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
Hey toronto how you been? still watching Coronation st?
First things first, i know i need to stop and keep a clear head if im to ever move on and start to fix parts of me, thats absoloutely vital.
"I've been thinking lately about some of my own "root problems," which are a mystery to me still, but I did myself a favour to put an end to drinking first. "
That sentence really spoke to me, and its exactly how I feel. I think the drinking has been the medication for myself, the stress and anxiety of the week totally numbed and destroyed by the weekend blow out, only to return with crippling force on a Sunday morning. I suppose what i struggled with was thinking if I had a drinking problem, or my drinking was adding to my own problem? either way it isnt helping so it needs to be sidelined completely. I know there is a going to be many raised eyebrows reading this but i can only speak truthfully about how I feel and get opinions from fellow forum users.
First things first, i know i need to stop and keep a clear head if im to ever move on and start to fix parts of me, thats absoloutely vital.
"I've been thinking lately about some of my own "root problems," which are a mystery to me still, but I did myself a favour to put an end to drinking first. "
That sentence really spoke to me, and its exactly how I feel. I think the drinking has been the medication for myself, the stress and anxiety of the week totally numbed and destroyed by the weekend blow out, only to return with crippling force on a Sunday morning. I suppose what i struggled with was thinking if I had a drinking problem, or my drinking was adding to my own problem? either way it isnt helping so it needs to be sidelined completely. I know there is a going to be many raised eyebrows reading this but i can only speak truthfully about how I feel and get opinions from fellow forum users.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Hi, I am pretty good, and yes, I am still watching Coronation Street. I must be making some people groan over that, but I can't help it. There are some really excellent characters in that soap opera.
I'm not sure if I got clearly what you meant about the eyebrows raising (do you mean the reluctance about pronouncing the A word and all that?). If so, that's not an eyebrow raiser, it's extremely normal.
It also sounds very familiar to say that alcohol is like a medicine that eliminates concerns about stress and anxiety. It was like a regulator, but there were reactions in the background that were only getting worse for me. A few weeks after I stopped drinking, it was like my strength and gumption went out the window. Well, where was it really, if I thought I had it in me while drinking? It was an illusion. And the alcohol consumption got in the way. I worked so hard at making sure I always had enough, but hardly lifted a finger to make sure I had basic chores done or food to eat. There had been enough years of evidence that it wasn't going to become a mere accessory to life, it was only going to monopolize it.
I'm not sure if I got clearly what you meant about the eyebrows raising (do you mean the reluctance about pronouncing the A word and all that?). If so, that's not an eyebrow raiser, it's extremely normal.
It also sounds very familiar to say that alcohol is like a medicine that eliminates concerns about stress and anxiety. It was like a regulator, but there were reactions in the background that were only getting worse for me. A few weeks after I stopped drinking, it was like my strength and gumption went out the window. Well, where was it really, if I thought I had it in me while drinking? It was an illusion. And the alcohol consumption got in the way. I worked so hard at making sure I always had enough, but hardly lifted a finger to make sure I had basic chores done or food to eat. There had been enough years of evidence that it wasn't going to become a mere accessory to life, it was only going to monopolize it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
I mean eyebrow raising in that im sure most people are reading it thinking WHY IS THIS GUY SKIRTING ROUND THE ISSUE HE'S JUST IN DENILE!
I've talked this through with you before - and you were extremely helpful and I appreciate your time and advice - the subject of how i never felt dependant or like i had to drink everyday so it almost feel like i didnt know how much of a problem it was. However, if you take a step back and look at my situation and also think well Stewart...you realise when you drink you cant moderate it like you plan to...you black out...you feel awful...you vow to stop...and yet you dont, so its obviously a problem.
So i guess i kinda go back and forth. Right now i know my priorities, stay sober, get a clear head and focus on trying to live the life id like to and be the person i want to be and thats got to be a start.
I've talked this through with you before - and you were extremely helpful and I appreciate your time and advice - the subject of how i never felt dependant or like i had to drink everyday so it almost feel like i didnt know how much of a problem it was. However, if you take a step back and look at my situation and also think well Stewart...you realise when you drink you cant moderate it like you plan to...you black out...you feel awful...you vow to stop...and yet you dont, so its obviously a problem.
So i guess i kinda go back and forth. Right now i know my priorities, stay sober, get a clear head and focus on trying to live the life id like to and be the person i want to be and thats got to be a start.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
No raised eyebrows here Stewart - I spent *years* drinking, giving up, feeling better then drinking again.
I wasn't an alcoholic...I was an ingenious self medicator.
That rationalisation kinda conveniently ignored the fact that I was causing many problems with my 'treatment'. mental, and physical, and not even managing the things I was medicating over.
Alcoholic or not Stewart, your life is obviously not what you want it to be. Get support, find help - remove the alcohol from your life and I think you'll be surprised at the clarity and the change in perception that brings.
Then you can start having a go at those underlying issues
D
I wasn't an alcoholic...I was an ingenious self medicator.
That rationalisation kinda conveniently ignored the fact that I was causing many problems with my 'treatment'. mental, and physical, and not even managing the things I was medicating over.
Alcoholic or not Stewart, your life is obviously not what you want it to be. Get support, find help - remove the alcohol from your life and I think you'll be surprised at the clarity and the change in perception that brings.
Then you can start having a go at those underlying issues
D
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