I feel awful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
I feel awful.
Guys,
Most of you probably know me well quite well. I've been trying to quit drinking for years but I still refuse to admit im an alcoholic. The idea of AA just sits so wrong in me and the idea of having to constantly be vigilant and try not to drink makes me feel like i'll fail before I even start. For the past 3 years years ive read everything I could on alcohol abuse/alcoholism, i dont drink often but when i do i drink *alot*. I honestly dont have a clue what to do but im ******* sick of this.
Most of you probably know me well quite well. I've been trying to quit drinking for years but I still refuse to admit im an alcoholic. The idea of AA just sits so wrong in me and the idea of having to constantly be vigilant and try not to drink makes me feel like i'll fail before I even start. For the past 3 years years ive read everything I could on alcohol abuse/alcoholism, i dont drink often but when i do i drink *alot*. I honestly dont have a clue what to do but im ******* sick of this.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Stewart,
Well, there are no instant cures yet. Unfortunately most people do require vigilance and some sort of recovery work (can be in a recovery group but doesn't have to be.) It's common to hear people say they just don't want to do that stuff, but then continue to drink and suffer consequences that are ten times worse than what concerned them in quitting.
Vigilance is harder at first, it get easier. It does take a bit of effort, but is that effort and the fear of failure really so much worse then the consequences of your drinking?
Well, there are no instant cures yet. Unfortunately most people do require vigilance and some sort of recovery work (can be in a recovery group but doesn't have to be.) It's common to hear people say they just don't want to do that stuff, but then continue to drink and suffer consequences that are ten times worse than what concerned them in quitting.
Vigilance is harder at first, it get easier. It does take a bit of effort, but is that effort and the fear of failure really so much worse then the consequences of your drinking?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Stewart I am glad you are sharing.
Look, I don't do AA but I know I am an alcoholic. I don't wear a huge A on my shirt but I know I am and I had tried for too many years to moderate/control drinking. It got to a point where I would say to myself that today I will only have a 3 or I'm going to not drink at parties anymore so I don't have xyz happen. Pretty twisted thinking and I am a pretty smart chick.
As far as quitting well I've done it as so so many of us have. I couldn't stay quit. Just cleaning out the system wasn't enough. I needed support. I chose to do counseling because I knew I had unresolved issues that would be best met by counseling. Of course I have SR which has been invaluable.
Point is there are so many programs out there but if we find that just quitting isn't enough and we don't give these options a chance......well then its that vicious cycle over and over.
It took me many years and much insane self-destruction to say hey...I need help. I don't want to drink anymore. I wasn't ashamed to reach out since God knows I more ashamed of being a drunk rummy all the time. That was my low point.
We are here for you and I say why not do something different this time. It is so worth it.
Look, I don't do AA but I know I am an alcoholic. I don't wear a huge A on my shirt but I know I am and I had tried for too many years to moderate/control drinking. It got to a point where I would say to myself that today I will only have a 3 or I'm going to not drink at parties anymore so I don't have xyz happen. Pretty twisted thinking and I am a pretty smart chick.
As far as quitting well I've done it as so so many of us have. I couldn't stay quit. Just cleaning out the system wasn't enough. I needed support. I chose to do counseling because I knew I had unresolved issues that would be best met by counseling. Of course I have SR which has been invaluable.
Point is there are so many programs out there but if we find that just quitting isn't enough and we don't give these options a chance......well then its that vicious cycle over and over.
It took me many years and much insane self-destruction to say hey...I need help. I don't want to drink anymore. I wasn't ashamed to reach out since God knows I more ashamed of being a drunk rummy all the time. That was my low point.
We are here for you and I say why not do something different this time. It is so worth it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi again Stewart.
You remind me a lot of me.
Yep, I drank all day every day - the only days I didn't drink was when I was sick or without money...and I still was vehement I wasn't an alcoholic.
I still knew, no matter what I called it, it was a problem that I needed to fix....but I was too proud to ask for help and too scared to think about changing my life.
Inevitably my drinking nearly killed me.
I read a lot too. I thought that was 'doing something' but it's not.
At best it's research, at worst it's procrastination - don't confuse it with action like like I did Stewart.
You need to stop. It doesn't get better.
I didn't want to die. I needed this sobriety to 'stick' but I couldn't think about forever either, so I thought about today. Just staying sober for today. It sounded a lot more reasonable an aim, and a lot more achievable.
When I got one day down I backed up and did it again the next day.
But support is vital. Noone does this alone.
If you've tried AA, and it's not your thing, there are many people here who have recovered other ways.
There are other groups like SMART or LifeRing, there's counselling, and there's some of us who've used SR extensively as our recovery tool.
Here's a link to some of the main recovery players and support structures in the UK (down the bottom of the first post)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1588435
Whatever you do, do something Stewart because as you've said, what you've been doing is getting you nowhere.
I know it's a scary prospect but I promise you - noone here would recommend recovery if it wasn't any good. And if I did it, with the depths I plumbed, I believe everyone can do it
I was as dead as a man can be while still breathing - my life, my outlook and my future have all been inexorably changed over the last 4 years - all by one decision to do something different.
I hope you decide to try it Stewart - you have nothing to lose, mate.
D
You remind me a lot of me.
Most of you probably know me well quite well. I've been trying to quit drinking for years but I still refuse to admit im an alcoholic.
I still knew, no matter what I called it, it was a problem that I needed to fix....but I was too proud to ask for help and too scared to think about changing my life.
Inevitably my drinking nearly killed me.
The idea of AA just sits so wrong in me and the idea of having to constantly be vigilant and try not to drink makes me feel like i'll fail before I even start. For the past 3 years years ive read everything I could on alcohol abuse/alcoholism,
At best it's research, at worst it's procrastination - don't confuse it with action like like I did Stewart.
i dont drink often but when i do i drink *alot*. I honestly dont have a clue what to do but im ******* sick of this.
I didn't want to die. I needed this sobriety to 'stick' but I couldn't think about forever either, so I thought about today. Just staying sober for today. It sounded a lot more reasonable an aim, and a lot more achievable.
When I got one day down I backed up and did it again the next day.
But support is vital. Noone does this alone.
If you've tried AA, and it's not your thing, there are many people here who have recovered other ways.
There are other groups like SMART or LifeRing, there's counselling, and there's some of us who've used SR extensively as our recovery tool.
Here's a link to some of the main recovery players and support structures in the UK (down the bottom of the first post)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1588435
Whatever you do, do something Stewart because as you've said, what you've been doing is getting you nowhere.
I know it's a scary prospect but I promise you - noone here would recommend recovery if it wasn't any good. And if I did it, with the depths I plumbed, I believe everyone can do it
I was as dead as a man can be while still breathing - my life, my outlook and my future have all been inexorably changed over the last 4 years - all by one decision to do something different.
I hope you decide to try it Stewart - you have nothing to lose, mate.
D
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Stewart - I think you do know what to do. Or at least what must be done.
If you're an alcoholic, like me, you'll need to do whatever it takes.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes? ...and to consider your solution might just be outside of your own head? The problem was me the whole time. The whole time! Once I completly realized that, I needed to latch on to those who knew how to get a stay sober, regardless of what I though of their program.
Think you can muster enough willingness to try what has worked from those who came before you? Can you keep your ego out of it for just long enough to see the miracle of sobriety?
Keep up the faith, but you've got to do the work each and every day, regardless of what program you decide to use.
If you're an alcoholic, like me, you'll need to do whatever it takes.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes? ...and to consider your solution might just be outside of your own head? The problem was me the whole time. The whole time! Once I completly realized that, I needed to latch on to those who knew how to get a stay sober, regardless of what I though of their program.
Think you can muster enough willingness to try what has worked from those who came before you? Can you keep your ego out of it for just long enough to see the miracle of sobriety?
Keep up the faith, but you've got to do the work each and every day, regardless of what program you decide to use.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
Thank you for the words, they mean alot.
And thanks for the list, i actually have a number here already because i went to see my doctor because i wanted to quit, as you can tell i didnt manage it.
I honestly dont know why i cant admit it to myself? its probably a pride thing..
If my posts seem short its not due to lack of interest believe me, more just out of sheer shame of coming back and forth to a forum for 4 years with the same message
And thanks for the list, i actually have a number here already because i went to see my doctor because i wanted to quit, as you can tell i didnt manage it.
I honestly dont know why i cant admit it to myself? its probably a pride thing..
If my posts seem short its not due to lack of interest believe me, more just out of sheer shame of coming back and forth to a forum for 4 years with the same message
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Stewart.
I think it's quite common for people to not want to admit they're alcoholic. I often think it's because the denial of alcoholism want's it to be like that, I know for me that not accepting myself as an alkie meant that I still left booze and another bender as a viable option, much of this is done subconsciously without realising it in my own experience.
Truly admitting, embracing and accepting myself as an alcoholic was the starting point for me to be able to recover 'one day at a time'. For as long as I feel gratitude for being an alcoholic and an addict then I'm where I like to be in my recovery.
I was ashamed to be a drunk and sick and tired of feeling how you describe, surely it's worse to be continually repeating the same mistake over and over than to maybe admit that the reason you feel like this after drinking is because you're an alcoholic? But then again only you can acknowledge the truth of your situation.
In a country like England then without knowing I'm an alcoholic and addict, without a shadow of a doubt, means that I'd pick up again sooner or later. I have to accept that I'm bodily and mentallly different to my fellows to stay sober. This isn't a bad thing either, in fact it's been the thing that allowed me to stop feeling how you feel now after another demoralizing binge.
Recovery really for me really isn't about constantly looking over my shoulder and being fearful of taking a drink, sure in the early days and also in tough times I have to always be aware that one drink would kill me, but it's about living in a way which keeps my alcoholism arrested 'just for today'. The beauty of this is that it makes me feel a peace between the ears, contentment and gratitude that living in active alcoholic thinking never allowed me.
Alcoholism to me is an illness that I suffer from and it's a 'thinking' problem and not a drinking problem per se. When I'm practicing my recovery in my life then the thought of wanting to add chemicals to change my brain chemistry seems totally incomprehensible. I feel happy, free from the horrible negative and cynical thoughts and outlook and generally grateful for my life.
I remember sitting in the police cells and wondering whether it was really worth totally wrecking my life over alcohol. I had stuff that I knew I had to face and unless I did then alcohol would kill me and take everything I hold dear in the process. One thing is for sure alcoholism is progressive, it will always get much worse and your rock-bottom will keep getting lower until you either kill yourself or you OD. That would have been the case for this alkie and addict. I can say alkie and addict without any hint of my ego trying to stop me, that freedom I'm so grateful for as it means i don't have to live in that active addiciton in denial of the reality of what I am, an alkie and druggy who would love nothing more than to drink himself to death if I let my alkie mind take over because i refused to accept my reality.
The crucial thing for me is change. A profound change needed to happen in my thinking and attitude because if it stayed the same then I'd just pick up again. I used and continue to use AA, SR, mental health on NHS and much wisdom from elsewhere.
peace
I think it's quite common for people to not want to admit they're alcoholic. I often think it's because the denial of alcoholism want's it to be like that, I know for me that not accepting myself as an alkie meant that I still left booze and another bender as a viable option, much of this is done subconsciously without realising it in my own experience.
Truly admitting, embracing and accepting myself as an alcoholic was the starting point for me to be able to recover 'one day at a time'. For as long as I feel gratitude for being an alcoholic and an addict then I'm where I like to be in my recovery.
I was ashamed to be a drunk and sick and tired of feeling how you describe, surely it's worse to be continually repeating the same mistake over and over than to maybe admit that the reason you feel like this after drinking is because you're an alcoholic? But then again only you can acknowledge the truth of your situation.
In a country like England then without knowing I'm an alcoholic and addict, without a shadow of a doubt, means that I'd pick up again sooner or later. I have to accept that I'm bodily and mentallly different to my fellows to stay sober. This isn't a bad thing either, in fact it's been the thing that allowed me to stop feeling how you feel now after another demoralizing binge.
Recovery really for me really isn't about constantly looking over my shoulder and being fearful of taking a drink, sure in the early days and also in tough times I have to always be aware that one drink would kill me, but it's about living in a way which keeps my alcoholism arrested 'just for today'. The beauty of this is that it makes me feel a peace between the ears, contentment and gratitude that living in active alcoholic thinking never allowed me.
Alcoholism to me is an illness that I suffer from and it's a 'thinking' problem and not a drinking problem per se. When I'm practicing my recovery in my life then the thought of wanting to add chemicals to change my brain chemistry seems totally incomprehensible. I feel happy, free from the horrible negative and cynical thoughts and outlook and generally grateful for my life.
I remember sitting in the police cells and wondering whether it was really worth totally wrecking my life over alcohol. I had stuff that I knew I had to face and unless I did then alcohol would kill me and take everything I hold dear in the process. One thing is for sure alcoholism is progressive, it will always get much worse and your rock-bottom will keep getting lower until you either kill yourself or you OD. That would have been the case for this alkie and addict. I can say alkie and addict without any hint of my ego trying to stop me, that freedom I'm so grateful for as it means i don't have to live in that active addiciton in denial of the reality of what I am, an alkie and druggy who would love nothing more than to drink himself to death if I let my alkie mind take over because i refused to accept my reality.
The crucial thing for me is change. A profound change needed to happen in my thinking and attitude because if it stayed the same then I'd just pick up again. I used and continue to use AA, SR, mental health on NHS and much wisdom from elsewhere.
peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
Its that option, its the option that kills me.
I have intention to go out sober but then i start thinking I could drink, the options there. Soon the option becomes a reality every time.
At times when ive put a few weeks of sobriety together Ive literally had to go for runs outdoors to take my mind off it. I'll sit there thinking I *could* go out and get some beers, just sitting fidgeting in my room. I think all these memories and the failures are whats making it harder to pick myself up everytime
I have intention to go out sober but then i start thinking I could drink, the options there. Soon the option becomes a reality every time.
At times when ive put a few weeks of sobriety together Ive literally had to go for runs outdoors to take my mind off it. I'll sit there thinking I *could* go out and get some beers, just sitting fidgeting in my room. I think all these memories and the failures are whats making it harder to pick myself up everytime
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Stewart. Mate that sounds exactly like i used to feel. I used to feel that restlessness and irritability and sense of just feel discontented with myself, life and that why should I deny myself my beers and my restbite in the oblivion i would reach?
For me mate the only way I could stop feeling like that was to go AA, SR and really accept the reason i feel like that is because I'm an alcoholic. I had to get working hard at recovering from my alcoholism 'one day at a time'. the help is outthere and it's free. Some stuff might sit a little uncomfortable and that's to be expected but as long as you remember the alternative and what the reality of drinking as an option brings, then you should be OK.
I know for me that when i start feeling how you describe, which incidentally isn't that often, then I have to reach out and I use SR as a massive part of this part of my recovery. I also found AA essential for my recovery. There are certain things which didn't always sit pretty for me too mate but I have been going to AA really regularly again over the past 6 weeks since I started Uni and it's been such a massive help and support. Sharing at AA and getting the positive feedback is fantastic. It's also great to hear people share about how their thoughts race and stuff. It would be easy for my ego to make up rationalization of why I shouldn't be ina church hall on a Friday night but like I say I know the reality of what my situation is. Drinking simply ceased being an option for me on 8th July 09. I was beaten and surrendered to alcoholc, I would never be able to live a life with any sort of peace or happiness for as long as booze was an option. I knew booze would take me to prison, mental institution or more likely a very early grave from suicide. I could have let my ego talk me out of that too because I'm only 23 but i knew the reality and knew i was an alcoholic without any doubt.
Drinking simple cannot be an option 'just for today'. To stop me going insane and climbing the walls then I had to work a recory program which made me feel at peace in my own head with not needing booze. Recovery really does work and is worth the effort. If it wasn't then i'd just go and sit on a bench with 8 cans of Tennants super. I know what a terrible state I'd be in by about the 4th can too and suicide would be knocking again.
All The Best mate, i can relate to what you describe there so much mate.
peace
For me mate the only way I could stop feeling like that was to go AA, SR and really accept the reason i feel like that is because I'm an alcoholic. I had to get working hard at recovering from my alcoholism 'one day at a time'. the help is outthere and it's free. Some stuff might sit a little uncomfortable and that's to be expected but as long as you remember the alternative and what the reality of drinking as an option brings, then you should be OK.
I know for me that when i start feeling how you describe, which incidentally isn't that often, then I have to reach out and I use SR as a massive part of this part of my recovery. I also found AA essential for my recovery. There are certain things which didn't always sit pretty for me too mate but I have been going to AA really regularly again over the past 6 weeks since I started Uni and it's been such a massive help and support. Sharing at AA and getting the positive feedback is fantastic. It's also great to hear people share about how their thoughts race and stuff. It would be easy for my ego to make up rationalization of why I shouldn't be ina church hall on a Friday night but like I say I know the reality of what my situation is. Drinking simply ceased being an option for me on 8th July 09. I was beaten and surrendered to alcoholc, I would never be able to live a life with any sort of peace or happiness for as long as booze was an option. I knew booze would take me to prison, mental institution or more likely a very early grave from suicide. I could have let my ego talk me out of that too because I'm only 23 but i knew the reality and knew i was an alcoholic without any doubt.
Drinking simple cannot be an option 'just for today'. To stop me going insane and climbing the walls then I had to work a recory program which made me feel at peace in my own head with not needing booze. Recovery really does work and is worth the effort. If it wasn't then i'd just go and sit on a bench with 8 cans of Tennants super. I know what a terrible state I'd be in by about the 4th can too and suicide would be knocking again.
All The Best mate, i can relate to what you describe there so much mate.
peace
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
There is a certain stigma that is attached to alcoholism that sadly does make it hard for people to want to quit. But there are some facts that are important to keep in mind:
- You didn't "fail" at drinking. Alcoholism is not a mistake one makes.
- You aren't a degenerate. Alcohol has a physical component. Getting sober is therapy in every sense of the word.
- It's not medically accurate, but in AA people often refer to it as an "allergy to alcohol." It's not a bad metaphor. You can't just decide you can eat peanuts if you try hard if you're allergic to peanuts. Same with alcohol.
And fearing a relapse is sobriety is pretty common, but it shouldn't completely throw you off your square. If you read a lot of stories in the Newcomer forum you'll hear a lot about people falling off, getting frustrated, and getting back on (including myself, recently after almost 9 months of sobriety.) The general consensus around this place though is that trying your best at sobriety is always, always better than just caving in and drinking.
Had I decided back in February that sobriety was too hard and I'd rather not bother at all than fail, then I'm quite sure I would probably have wound up homeless and probably in rehab. Instead I've got sufficient work, I have a girlfriend, a place to live and all in all things are going well.
My last slip was hard to take at first, but I can't look back at my last two weeks of sobriety and say, "What I'm doing is pointless. I should've just been drinking the whole time."
- You didn't "fail" at drinking. Alcoholism is not a mistake one makes.
- You aren't a degenerate. Alcohol has a physical component. Getting sober is therapy in every sense of the word.
- It's not medically accurate, but in AA people often refer to it as an "allergy to alcohol." It's not a bad metaphor. You can't just decide you can eat peanuts if you try hard if you're allergic to peanuts. Same with alcohol.
And fearing a relapse is sobriety is pretty common, but it shouldn't completely throw you off your square. If you read a lot of stories in the Newcomer forum you'll hear a lot about people falling off, getting frustrated, and getting back on (including myself, recently after almost 9 months of sobriety.) The general consensus around this place though is that trying your best at sobriety is always, always better than just caving in and drinking.
Had I decided back in February that sobriety was too hard and I'd rather not bother at all than fail, then I'm quite sure I would probably have wound up homeless and probably in rehab. Instead I've got sufficient work, I have a girlfriend, a place to live and all in all things are going well.
My last slip was hard to take at first, but I can't look back at my last two weeks of sobriety and say, "What I'm doing is pointless. I should've just been drinking the whole time."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Stewart...
At this very moment, I'm 28 hours sober. I'm starting to get a little jittery. A little... off balance and lightheaded.
Somewhere, from the back of my mind, a voice is telling me to run up to the store a get a coffee (and a pint).
But I'm not going to. Not right now.
"One day at a time" is more like "one hour at a time" for me. When you're ready, I mean really ready... You'll know. And some hours will drag on forever. But every hour you get past, is one more hour towards the rest of your life.
Best wishes. I'm sending some positive thoughts your way. Believe.
At this very moment, I'm 28 hours sober. I'm starting to get a little jittery. A little... off balance and lightheaded.
Somewhere, from the back of my mind, a voice is telling me to run up to the store a get a coffee (and a pint).
But I'm not going to. Not right now.
"One day at a time" is more like "one hour at a time" for me. When you're ready, I mean really ready... You'll know. And some hours will drag on forever. But every hour you get past, is one more hour towards the rest of your life.
Best wishes. I'm sending some positive thoughts your way. Believe.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Very true. "When you're ready... you'll know."
I wonder if it's not the romanticized cliche of the person standing up at an AA meeting saying, "Hi. My name is Isaiah, and I'm an alcoholic" that puts the "you have to admit you're an alcoholic first" idea out there.
Admitting if you're an alcoholic (or deciding you're not) is getting more specific than necessary. Even in AA itself the first step of the program says, "admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." it doesn't say, "admitted we were alcoholic." There's also the "only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking."
That's AA's stance, but I think that's also general alcohol abuse common sense. If you have a problem the thing to worry about is fixing the problem, not putting an appropriate label on it. Like if I found myself repeatedly touching a hot stove what I'd want to do is stop touching the stove, not have a philosophical debate over whether or not to admit I'm a "masochist."
All things in time.
I wonder if it's not the romanticized cliche of the person standing up at an AA meeting saying, "Hi. My name is Isaiah, and I'm an alcoholic" that puts the "you have to admit you're an alcoholic first" idea out there.
Admitting if you're an alcoholic (or deciding you're not) is getting more specific than necessary. Even in AA itself the first step of the program says, "admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." it doesn't say, "admitted we were alcoholic." There's also the "only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking."
That's AA's stance, but I think that's also general alcohol abuse common sense. If you have a problem the thing to worry about is fixing the problem, not putting an appropriate label on it. Like if I found myself repeatedly touching a hot stove what I'd want to do is stop touching the stove, not have a philosophical debate over whether or not to admit I'm a "masochist."
All things in time.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Three years ago I knew in my heart I had a huge problem and needed to stop drinking. Now Im coming up on one year sober so you can see it didn't 'take' right off the bat. But what I was doing for those two years of trying and failing wasn't trying to stop drinking, I was trying to control it... and it never worked. But I kept getting back up after being knocked down and kept trying again. And now am coming up on one year sober, so if I can do it, you can too. Get help to stop and get help to stay sober. It's worth the effort.
But I kept getting back up after being knocked down and kept trying again. And now am coming up on one year sober, so if I can do it, you can too. Get help to stop and get help to stay sober. It's worth the effort. Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
One of the things I'm beginning to realize, is that when I'm not drinking, that's when I feel.
And when I feel, I want to... numb it by drinking. And sadly, "feeling" is more than just the pain/anger/sadness... It's also that happiness that I've been numbing.
I've missed so much joy in life buy medicating the pain. Today, I'm feeling pretty low, but I'm also clear headed and can see that I have reasons to feel happy.
You aren't the only one struggling today. I'm doing so, with the hope that the happiness, the joy, will eventually outweigh the suffering- the suffering that makes me want to drink, and the suffering I've caused others as a result of my drinking.
You are not alone.
And when I feel, I want to... numb it by drinking. And sadly, "feeling" is more than just the pain/anger/sadness... It's also that happiness that I've been numbing.
I've missed so much joy in life buy medicating the pain. Today, I'm feeling pretty low, but I'm also clear headed and can see that I have reasons to feel happy.
You aren't the only one struggling today. I'm doing so, with the hope that the happiness, the joy, will eventually outweigh the suffering- the suffering that makes me want to drink, and the suffering I've caused others as a result of my drinking.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Stewart -- Just want to send some encouragement, a cyber-hug, and let you know I've placed your name in my little prayer box.
Oh, and one more thing...about this.... I definitely understand how you feel and I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable. I just want to say that I'm sure I speak for all of us here when I say that although I'm sad for you that you are so unhappy, I am extremely gratified that you keep coming back and at least are willing to talk to us about it. And if you decide to try again, I'll be ecstatic! I know that's what it takes--to keep coming back--and so as long as you're doing at least that, I know there's hope. Hope = good. So I don't care if you post 1000x about how you've "failed"... trying and failing is better than not trying at all. And "trying" begins with coming here to SR and talking with us. We all understand that and you are always welcome.
I hope today is a better day for you. ((((Hugs))))
Oh, and one more thing...about this....
If my posts seem short its not due to lack of interest believe me, more just out of sheer shame of coming back and forth to a forum for 4 years with the same message
I hope today is a better day for you. ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 225
It's only for a day that we need to stay away from the first drink,
It's only for an hour that we need to stay away from the first drink,
It's only for a minute that we need to stay away from the first drink,
It's only for an hour that we need to stay away from the first drink,
It's only for a minute that we need to stay away from the first drink,
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