Troubled Child to Alcoholic??? The time to sort myself out has come!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: N. Ireland
Posts: 6
Troubled Child to Alcoholic??? The time to sort myself out has come!
I've done this to try and straighten out my thoughts and start to take stock of my life. Posting it to see what others think.
Most of this is stuff I have covered up and have never spoken about.
Didn't know where to start.. so logically I started from the beginning
Family Background
I come from quite a well off middle class family. I grew up in multiple countries with my mother and father but didn't see that much of my father, he was always working. My sister was either at boarding school or not living with us. I still don't know her or feel close to any of the family apart from maybe my mum. I don’t like people getting close to me.
I knew one granny, who was rather fond of her drink. The other granny, both granddads and uncles died before I was born or had a chance to know about them. I have 3 aunts who live in different country’s who I hear from at birthdays and Christmas.
That brings me to family gatherings they don't happen often and fill me with dread. the anxiety cripples me to the point I cant speak to anyone. Its almost if I don’t want to know them. From a young age I never ate dinner with my parents, it made me very nervous and more often than not lead to fighting with my father. All I am getting is memories of mild force feeding and tension at the table.
Life so far...
Right... As a youngster I lived in different countries all over the world from the age of 2 till about 10. Great experiences to have and I enjoyed them all. Schooling was not easy though, 3 or 4 different primary schools. Learning was not for me! I hated every second, more interested in, well, anything that didn't involve sitting still. Just your Typical wired up young boy. Can only remember hanging out with friends and doing things with their parents, going to boats clubs and the likes. Hated it when no-one was about and I was forced to stay in the house, extreme boredom and tantrums usually followed.
Moved back to the UK to attend prep school. Joining for only the last two years, 11+ looming and me with barely a clue about what comes where in the alphabet. I was diagnosed with dyslexia which I’m still convinced was down to lack of interest, a rebellious nature brought on by, more than anything, a lack of confidence and fear of getting it wrong. Dyslexia? Yeah right.
Anyway, I didn't sit the 11+ and moved onto high school and did well, although never fulfilling my potential due to not being bothered. Not a very smart move! By the start of A levels I was struggling with an innate sense of low self esteem and lack of confidence. During this period my mates father, who was like a dad to me passed away from cancer, hitting me very hard.
A few years after this the underlying problems from the past and present started to bubble up and take root. From the usual stuff lads of this age get embarrassed about. To being teased about being skinny, anorexic, bulimic and runt of the litter comes to mind here. I did have a poor diet. Probably explains things on more than one level. And lastly teased for apparently being rich and having a posh accent.
In my teens I was incredibly shy towards girls and remember being very embarrassed if anyone found out who I fancied (never mind the person in question finding out). A feeling that still completely terrifies me - scared of rejection. Anyway, Got to close to someone, eventually I decided to confront my demons and tell her how I felt. Well, you know what they say... the first cut is the deepest and all that sort of crap.
During my time at A-levels I discovered drink and dope, got the car licence and my freedom! In retrospect I think from the first time I ever took drink I had a problem. Can't be sure but back then I spent most of my weekends being sick or falling unconscious at some point. Drink was wonderful, it gave me confidence and the ability to forget about problems.
Around this time I had another bad time with woman. Basically, Best mate girl wanted me not him. I didn't enter into anything but lets say, if she wasn't a mates girl it may have been different. After a couple of years and just before she went off to university she plucked up the courage to dump him and tell me how she felt. I think this was the start of the demise of my friendship with my mate and why I am paranoid, to the extent I will now hardly speak to a mates bird. This usually poses odd questions of it own, esp. for mates. I still feel like dirt for liking her.
After my phenomenal A-level results, UUU... should of worked! I went on to technical college. Still drinking quite heavy at the weekends and smoking dope during most of the week. I put in some good work and managed to get excepted to uni to study Architecture.
With no safety net of friends and family and unsure if architecture was for me and lacking any kind of confidence the temptation to drink was too much! My life consisted of getting drunk, no... very drunk, sleezing over woman, sobering up the next day, depressed and ashamed of what I did or might have done... followed by getting drunk again and repeating the process two or three times a week every week. Surprisingly I passed everything I did at university but burnt myself out just before the 1st year final project, ran out of money and was bailed out by the folks. I put it down to not wanting to do architecture which is true to a certain extent but more a confidence and anxiety thing.
I switched courses the following year to try again, an epic fail as the process of drinking came back worse than ever. 3 months later I came back home extremely depressed and did not want to continue studies... I could not even bring myself to attend lectures because of anxiety, worry, depression and low self esteem and confidence. Was sent to a few CBT sessions and prescribed anti-depressants but I was not ready for therapy.
I fell back on my part time job at the time and started to work full time. After a few years I started to feel worse and worse and more and more of a failure. During these years I got hammered with one of my mates at a country pub, after quite a few drinks I Fell over. Got patched up by barmaid. Got lift to mates house, mate crashed his car and couldn't drive it home so I got it home for him and got done for drink driving. Haven't heard from so called mate since. He pinned the whole thing on me.
My father suggested I try getting a job in an architects office while studying for a HNC part-time. I decided to try it because I was stuck in a job with no prospects. I Hated working in the office, it reinforce that architecture wasn't for me. Long story short, shortly after I lost the car licence the job followed. Got my old job back and started into another heartache over a woman. Very complicated and in the end up quite messy. Relationships in the workplace aint good. Lesson learnt.
I continued to feel like **** until my next quick fix came along. Inheritance from my late granny who had died 3 years previously. I thought I was having a great time spending money on fast cars, drink and some gambling for good measure. In reality the more I wasted the worse I felt. I decided to head back to university and try again.
A change of scenery done me good, got on better this time but still the drink, one night stands and fun was too tempting and suited too well). Its a bad thing being able to hold your drink well. My tolerance went crazy but as before I passed all my uni work.
During the first part of second year I managed to find a girl not already in a relationship. Things were looking up! Had more self confidence but still needed to have a few drinks before seeing her. It lasted about 4 months as she inevitably caught on that I was putting drink before her and needed to be drunkish to see her... and if she was honest she was the same... not a healthy set-up. We broke up which left me back at square one feeling even more depressed.
Christmas came round quickly and I grew increasingly aware that it was going to be difficult for me to get the relevant placement needed for my industry year. Economic downturn not helping I started to worry more and more and I returned home downtrodden after failing a module. Then a few days before Christmas I found out that my father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer ( our relationship isn’t too great ) which I think is making it harder to cope.
With my head all over the place I returned to uni after xmas and went on a drink and drug fuelled course of self destruction. More of the harder stuff like coke, methadrone speed and whatever else was going washed down with whatever alcohol I could get my hands on. This was probably the worst period I've had, nothing but drink fuelled highs and lows... spriling to the point of needing the high to cope with the low. NOT GOOD.
I have returned home and been off drink for 4 months now. My longest period of abstinence of over four or five years. I have left myself with no money, no chance of going back to university. No job and one hell of a bout of heightened anxiety, paranoia, insomnia and withdrawal symptoms. I am finding it increasing hard without the drink and fear turning into a recluse. I can just about summon the confidence to venture out and about but socialise without drink... forget it.
Saturday past I slipped and got drunk. I am still going through an extreme dose of hyper anxiety and paranoia 5 days later. My brain is thinking of so many random irrational things like; will I ever settle down, What’s wrong with me? Do people like me? My old friends from home don't seem to bother with me much now What kinda of loser do they think I am, what kind of looser am I, what kind of failure and disappointment am I to my parents. Why did I waste all that money?
Worst thing is I should instead be thinking about supporting my own father in his illness, not to mention my mother who needs the support more.
With all this constantly floating round and round I haven't a clue where to start with sorting my head out, think writing this has helped in giving a logical start to fixing myself... gotta start somewhere.
Right: (mental note to self)
1. I am looking for a job, look harder!
2. Waiting for written confirmation of aquittal from uni. Need it for jobseekers. Sort it out!
3. Uni life is bad for me... Use job to pay for open University / distance learning degree in Maths!
4. Find ways of helping parents (think getting job would prob help most)
5. Get more active - running / cycling and weights training
6. Get to know dad better
7. Follow up on RAF application
8. Think positive.
9. Stay away from drink and try not to become a recluse.
10. Support parents (their not getting any younger)
10. Do masters in Mathematics
11. have the career I know I can get
Any one been through something similar?or have any advice?
Most of this is stuff I have covered up and have never spoken about.
Didn't know where to start.. so logically I started from the beginning
Family Background
I come from quite a well off middle class family. I grew up in multiple countries with my mother and father but didn't see that much of my father, he was always working. My sister was either at boarding school or not living with us. I still don't know her or feel close to any of the family apart from maybe my mum. I don’t like people getting close to me.
I knew one granny, who was rather fond of her drink. The other granny, both granddads and uncles died before I was born or had a chance to know about them. I have 3 aunts who live in different country’s who I hear from at birthdays and Christmas.
That brings me to family gatherings they don't happen often and fill me with dread. the anxiety cripples me to the point I cant speak to anyone. Its almost if I don’t want to know them. From a young age I never ate dinner with my parents, it made me very nervous and more often than not lead to fighting with my father. All I am getting is memories of mild force feeding and tension at the table.
Life so far...
Right... As a youngster I lived in different countries all over the world from the age of 2 till about 10. Great experiences to have and I enjoyed them all. Schooling was not easy though, 3 or 4 different primary schools. Learning was not for me! I hated every second, more interested in, well, anything that didn't involve sitting still. Just your Typical wired up young boy. Can only remember hanging out with friends and doing things with their parents, going to boats clubs and the likes. Hated it when no-one was about and I was forced to stay in the house, extreme boredom and tantrums usually followed.
Moved back to the UK to attend prep school. Joining for only the last two years, 11+ looming and me with barely a clue about what comes where in the alphabet. I was diagnosed with dyslexia which I’m still convinced was down to lack of interest, a rebellious nature brought on by, more than anything, a lack of confidence and fear of getting it wrong. Dyslexia? Yeah right.
Anyway, I didn't sit the 11+ and moved onto high school and did well, although never fulfilling my potential due to not being bothered. Not a very smart move! By the start of A levels I was struggling with an innate sense of low self esteem and lack of confidence. During this period my mates father, who was like a dad to me passed away from cancer, hitting me very hard.
A few years after this the underlying problems from the past and present started to bubble up and take root. From the usual stuff lads of this age get embarrassed about. To being teased about being skinny, anorexic, bulimic and runt of the litter comes to mind here. I did have a poor diet. Probably explains things on more than one level. And lastly teased for apparently being rich and having a posh accent.
In my teens I was incredibly shy towards girls and remember being very embarrassed if anyone found out who I fancied (never mind the person in question finding out). A feeling that still completely terrifies me - scared of rejection. Anyway, Got to close to someone, eventually I decided to confront my demons and tell her how I felt. Well, you know what they say... the first cut is the deepest and all that sort of crap.
During my time at A-levels I discovered drink and dope, got the car licence and my freedom! In retrospect I think from the first time I ever took drink I had a problem. Can't be sure but back then I spent most of my weekends being sick or falling unconscious at some point. Drink was wonderful, it gave me confidence and the ability to forget about problems.
Around this time I had another bad time with woman. Basically, Best mate girl wanted me not him. I didn't enter into anything but lets say, if she wasn't a mates girl it may have been different. After a couple of years and just before she went off to university she plucked up the courage to dump him and tell me how she felt. I think this was the start of the demise of my friendship with my mate and why I am paranoid, to the extent I will now hardly speak to a mates bird. This usually poses odd questions of it own, esp. for mates. I still feel like dirt for liking her.
After my phenomenal A-level results, UUU... should of worked! I went on to technical college. Still drinking quite heavy at the weekends and smoking dope during most of the week. I put in some good work and managed to get excepted to uni to study Architecture.
With no safety net of friends and family and unsure if architecture was for me and lacking any kind of confidence the temptation to drink was too much! My life consisted of getting drunk, no... very drunk, sleezing over woman, sobering up the next day, depressed and ashamed of what I did or might have done... followed by getting drunk again and repeating the process two or three times a week every week. Surprisingly I passed everything I did at university but burnt myself out just before the 1st year final project, ran out of money and was bailed out by the folks. I put it down to not wanting to do architecture which is true to a certain extent but more a confidence and anxiety thing.
I switched courses the following year to try again, an epic fail as the process of drinking came back worse than ever. 3 months later I came back home extremely depressed and did not want to continue studies... I could not even bring myself to attend lectures because of anxiety, worry, depression and low self esteem and confidence. Was sent to a few CBT sessions and prescribed anti-depressants but I was not ready for therapy.
I fell back on my part time job at the time and started to work full time. After a few years I started to feel worse and worse and more and more of a failure. During these years I got hammered with one of my mates at a country pub, after quite a few drinks I Fell over. Got patched up by barmaid. Got lift to mates house, mate crashed his car and couldn't drive it home so I got it home for him and got done for drink driving. Haven't heard from so called mate since. He pinned the whole thing on me.
My father suggested I try getting a job in an architects office while studying for a HNC part-time. I decided to try it because I was stuck in a job with no prospects. I Hated working in the office, it reinforce that architecture wasn't for me. Long story short, shortly after I lost the car licence the job followed. Got my old job back and started into another heartache over a woman. Very complicated and in the end up quite messy. Relationships in the workplace aint good. Lesson learnt.
I continued to feel like **** until my next quick fix came along. Inheritance from my late granny who had died 3 years previously. I thought I was having a great time spending money on fast cars, drink and some gambling for good measure. In reality the more I wasted the worse I felt. I decided to head back to university and try again.
A change of scenery done me good, got on better this time but still the drink, one night stands and fun was too tempting and suited too well). Its a bad thing being able to hold your drink well. My tolerance went crazy but as before I passed all my uni work.
During the first part of second year I managed to find a girl not already in a relationship. Things were looking up! Had more self confidence but still needed to have a few drinks before seeing her. It lasted about 4 months as she inevitably caught on that I was putting drink before her and needed to be drunkish to see her... and if she was honest she was the same... not a healthy set-up. We broke up which left me back at square one feeling even more depressed.
Christmas came round quickly and I grew increasingly aware that it was going to be difficult for me to get the relevant placement needed for my industry year. Economic downturn not helping I started to worry more and more and I returned home downtrodden after failing a module. Then a few days before Christmas I found out that my father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer ( our relationship isn’t too great ) which I think is making it harder to cope.
With my head all over the place I returned to uni after xmas and went on a drink and drug fuelled course of self destruction. More of the harder stuff like coke, methadrone speed and whatever else was going washed down with whatever alcohol I could get my hands on. This was probably the worst period I've had, nothing but drink fuelled highs and lows... spriling to the point of needing the high to cope with the low. NOT GOOD.
I have returned home and been off drink for 4 months now. My longest period of abstinence of over four or five years. I have left myself with no money, no chance of going back to university. No job and one hell of a bout of heightened anxiety, paranoia, insomnia and withdrawal symptoms. I am finding it increasing hard without the drink and fear turning into a recluse. I can just about summon the confidence to venture out and about but socialise without drink... forget it.
Saturday past I slipped and got drunk. I am still going through an extreme dose of hyper anxiety and paranoia 5 days later. My brain is thinking of so many random irrational things like; will I ever settle down, What’s wrong with me? Do people like me? My old friends from home don't seem to bother with me much now What kinda of loser do they think I am, what kind of looser am I, what kind of failure and disappointment am I to my parents. Why did I waste all that money?
Worst thing is I should instead be thinking about supporting my own father in his illness, not to mention my mother who needs the support more.
With all this constantly floating round and round I haven't a clue where to start with sorting my head out, think writing this has helped in giving a logical start to fixing myself... gotta start somewhere.
Right: (mental note to self)
1. I am looking for a job, look harder!
2. Waiting for written confirmation of aquittal from uni. Need it for jobseekers. Sort it out!
3. Uni life is bad for me... Use job to pay for open University / distance learning degree in Maths!
4. Find ways of helping parents (think getting job would prob help most)
5. Get more active - running / cycling and weights training
6. Get to know dad better
7. Follow up on RAF application
8. Think positive.
9. Stay away from drink and try not to become a recluse.
10. Support parents (their not getting any younger)
10. Do masters in Mathematics
11. have the career I know I can get
Any one been through something similar?or have any advice?
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
The only advice I have for you, is maybe add to the top of your list.. "Pursue a recovery plan for my alcoholism". The rest might fall into place that way. That might be meetings, counseling, whatever.. just something to address the chatter in your head, and you addiction to alcohol/gambling/drugs.
We all come from a lot of 'family of origin' baggage.. what we do with our lives moving forward is really all that matters, in my opinion.
Abstaining from alcohol without 'recovery' never left me feeling settled, or serene as they say.. Recovering from alcoholism with the help of a solid plan and full committment has enhanced my life, my mind and my relationships more than I could ever imagine.
Welcome!
We all come from a lot of 'family of origin' baggage.. what we do with our lives moving forward is really all that matters, in my opinion.
Abstaining from alcohol without 'recovery' never left me feeling settled, or serene as they say.. Recovering from alcoholism with the help of a solid plan and full committment has enhanced my life, my mind and my relationships more than I could ever imagine.
Welcome!
Last edited by smacked; 10-14-2010 at 01:17 PM. Reason: typos, as usual..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: N. Ireland
Posts: 6
So the best thing is to get help to address the problems first... then work on all the other areas of my life. OK, never liked asking for help but going to kick my stubbornness out... and get some sort of program to follow.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I agree with Smacked, without the recovery part you're just on a high wire waiting for the next crash. Becoming a recluse for a period of time while you sort through what you want and where you want to go is not necessarily a bad thing, I spent the first 12-18 of my recovery pretty much in solitude except for going to work; however, I was constantly working on ME, reading everything I could find on recovery; I didn't participate in a 12 step program but I did and do use a modified version of the steps in my recovery. You need a recovery plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: N. Ireland
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by jamdls 
I spent the first 12-18 of my recovery pretty much in solitude except for going to work.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome.......
As you did do a bit of CBT...it might be a good idea to
restart that now that you are motivated.
Here is a list of various recovery programs and resources
for you to explore with regards to addictions....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
All my best
As you did do a bit of CBT...it might be a good idea to
restart that now that you are motivated.
Here is a list of various recovery programs and resources
for you to explore with regards to addictions....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
All my best
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Welcome to SR! I agree with the advice you have already received. Put recovery first...get some CBT...and I'm going to ad...maybe look at your relationship with the parents. When you talk about trying to help them it sounds great but it isn't your job...I wasted years of my life doing that in order to get uheir love and approval. Only with healthy boundaries and sobriety have I been able to start to move forward with my life.
I will also ad...hang around here...its a great place for support and advice:-)
I will also ad...hang around here...its a great place for support and advice:-)
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, UnDisclosed - I have to agree with the others: Focus on your sobriety above all else. I know that when I was drinking it was hard to know if I'd follow through with my commitments. There were days when I did well, and then other days when it was hard to get out of bed, and I never seemed to have much control over when it was going to happen.
Also, the depression and anxiety that goes along with heavy drinking makes everything that much harder. It was only after several weeks of clearing my head and body that I felt strong and stable enough to start adding new goals and making repairs to my life.
Glad you're here - Keep reading and posting! It really helps.
Also, the depression and anxiety that goes along with heavy drinking makes everything that much harder. It was only after several weeks of clearing my head and body that I felt strong and stable enough to start adding new goals and making repairs to my life.
Glad you're here - Keep reading and posting! It really helps.
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