Am I Over Reacting or is this Progress
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Am I Over Reacting or is this Progress
Im not blaming my mother for my drinking. Let me just get that out of the way. She has this habit of testing me. Sometimes in ways that make me feel as though Im being set up to fail. Honestly it feels like entrapment.
Like the time when I was 12 she told me that I could go out with my cousin to a disco and then kicked up a huge huge sh*t storm when I went. She said it was evidence of my bad character and she was glad she had done it so now she knew me better. The thing is, I wouldnt have gone if she hadnt given me permission. My dad was away on business for a couple of months at the time. So she says that she didnt know whether or not she would tell my father because he would be so disappointed etc etc. She made me beg her not to tell him when he got back. And then in the months when he was away gave me the most awful guilt trips about how I was putting her marriage in danger by making her keep secrets from her husband which would often reduce me to tears. Only to discover that she had told my dad, not only that I had gone but apparently gave him the idea that I had run off and done this without her permission.
Or she would offer me books (that she felt were too adult for me) or alcohol. Sometimes she would scold me for not taking them and then tell me I was bad for taking them. I had failed the test. I was too fast, too forward. Then she would tell my dad that I had read the above said book and drunk the alcohol except she would neglect to tell him that it had been HER idea.
Its hard to explain. She would play those kinds of head games. You know, if I didnt take it then I was a bad child for not trusting trust my mother. But if I did take it I was too sexual or too fast. Either way Id get mind f-cked.
And then when Id would figure it out and get angry about what she had done she would get angry with me for being angry, and tell me that I was a bad Christian for not forgiving her immediately.
.
Im 30 now and have long since moved out. But when I was living with her she wanted to know where I was at all times. Is that strange. I didnt like to tell her because if went out with people (even as an adult) she would give me a really really hard time. She would be upset for us going out after 8pm and felt that any function that went on past 10pm was too late. And anywhere more than 20 minutes away from home was too far. She would rage for like an hour if we got home after 10. Needless to say my brother and I both stopped going out. And yes we were adults.
We didnt leave because in our culture you stay at home till you get married and since we had emigrated all the way to Canada and we were the only family she had here there was that issue of well shes my mother i cant walk out on her. i would feel too guilty.
BTW when my brother stopped going out when she gave him such a hard time, she eventually scolded him for not going out at all. She said he was boring and said how was she supposed to have grandchildren if he never went out and met anyone. Do you see what I mean Then she said that he should go out but not too much and not so late without defining what that meant.
Anyway I had stopped speaking to her for a while. My therapist said that she is personality disordered. When I was growing up, I recall one night deciding that life would be a lot easier if I just stopped feeling. Thankfully at the time, I had no access to alcohol. But after a while I did start to have headaches every single day. Looking back, I had a kind of mental collapse. I couldnt concentrate, went days barely speaking or eating, and just lay on my bed in a ball. All of which I went through without help.
And then in my mid 20s found that gin made me feel absolutely and completely numb and it was such a revelation. It was lovely.
Eventually I took a break from my family. When I started speaking to them again she was really nice to me and now I think she is feeling a little more secure.
Well what happened is that my parents started a business. Things have been slow. And I thought I would do some financial analysis for them. The thing is, I like to do it after hours when its nice and quiet. During the day, someone always needs to send an email, enter inventory, etc etc and its hard to get anything done.
At first, she didnt say anything. Then suddenly, last Sunday, she came to the shop while I was working and said I couldnt do that anymore. She said that no one told her where they were going ever and that that was really bad. She said that there was a horrid accident on the road and that if she didnt know where I was how would she ever have known that it wasnt me. Is it strange to expect your adult children 2 of whom dont live with you to call and tell you where they are.
She says she appreciates the help but since I didnt tell anyone where I was going she feels that I am being sneaky. I dont like to tell her where I am going because she gives me a hard time.
Here are her reasons:
-its too late
-its too far
-i dont know those people
-those kinds of people (turkish, jamaicans) etc are thieves, violent, dangerous (insert negative stereotype here basically)
-what are you looking for outside the house that you cant get at home (this when I went out two weekends in one month) apparently that constitutes getting around too much.
-its too dangerous
-its unladylike
she also engages in passive aggressive behavior such as waiting until you are just about to leave before deciding that she really really needs to give you something that you absolutely must wait to take.
I told her that I wouldnt do it again fully intending to just ignore that. Which I see now was a mistake. I should have just had it out with her there and then I told her that because I think that the analysis that Im doing for her must be done ASAP. ASAP as in it should have been done yesterday. There is so much work and analysis to do and with a full time job I dont feel as though we can wait. I feel pressure because she keeps saying that she has gotten herself into trouble because the shop isnt doing well. I went back on what I had told her because I want it to succeed for her sake and also i dont want anyone looking at me funny for not helping enough if it doesnt.
The other thing is that when I give in to her, I feel a tremendous amount of resentment. Which we all know makes you sick. Today I went back to the store to work more, and found she had changed the alarm code so I couldnt switch off the alarm so the police were called. She said she had changed it so that she could make sure I wasnt going to go back. When I told her I wouldnt do it again, I was trying to avoid a fight. I guess I shouldnt have. I should have fought with her right then and there.
In the interest of full disclosure she also said I shouldnt do that because one of the stores in the plaza got robbed. But all the info that I need to use to do my analysis is in the laptop that is hooked up to the security camera, printer and point of sale system so I cant disconnect it and work from home. And as much as I want to think that this is about security. I also have a niggling feeling that this is just one of her attempts to reassert control. I am also worried that if I do what she wants and things dont work out I will get blamed. I dont want to go along with what she says and stew in resentment which will make me want to drink.
I dont want to hold back and when things go wrong get blamed. Its like remember in the 90s the rage was the long shirt and leggings. I wanted leggings, which I got but I had to wear them under a really long skirt. She said that wasnt decent. But when she took me to a classmates birthday party all the other girls were sporting that look. Anyway after the party she told me I must work harder at the way I dressed. She said - did you see those other girls, you looked like nothing. Conveniently forgetting that she had expressly told me I could not wear clothes like that.
I love the work that Im doing. There is a part of me that thinks she is just being controlling. She wants me to do what she wants exactly the way that she wants it done.
I know that I will feel extremely enraged and resentful if I do what she wants and things go wrong and I get blamed.
Im going to go and ask the people at the store if they were actually robbed because I would hate to stop working late which I enjoy and find out that she had lied to manipulate me into doing what she wants.
My fear is that this is just another elaborate set up. Prior experience has shown that she is perfectly capable of doing this. Im afraid that she is lying about the sandwich store being robbed and the subsequent security issue to stop me from doing something she knows I enjoy. And then changing the alarm so Im in trouble for going. And then holding me responsible when things go wrong because she didnt have the analysis that she needed.
When I was growing up, because she was so combative I rarely spoke. I liked to watch movies and read books. You would think that would be okay but no.
Sometimes she would suddenly decide that the movies that we had watched together several times before was explicit and that it was a sign of my over sexedness for choosing it.
After a while of doing that, she had started to talk all through any movie (or scold me about any movie) we watched so I couldnt enjoy it.
Then all the books I read were too explicit, even Sweet Valley High.
Then reading books became antisocial so I got into trouble for that too.
Do you see what I mean. DO YOU SEE!!!!!!!
Right now I feel so angry and so resentful and if I had money i would go out and buy me a beer. I want to believe that she no longer does this, but my instinct is telling me to watch out. It doesnt help that im only 2 days sober but i guess its progress that i can feel anger at all instead of suppressing it.
And my sister in law tells my mother everything so I feel like there is a spy in the house just like when I was growing up. My sister could do no wrong, and told on me if I even looked at her funny. So SIL is now royally p*issing me off too. Im so angry today. Im angry because Im the bad guy after just trying to help.
BTW my mum has talked smack about SIL behind her back. She actually despises her a little. I wonder if she would be this cooperative if she knew how my mum really felt about her.
I need to get a better job so I can get my place and my privacy back.
Like the time when I was 12 she told me that I could go out with my cousin to a disco and then kicked up a huge huge sh*t storm when I went. She said it was evidence of my bad character and she was glad she had done it so now she knew me better. The thing is, I wouldnt have gone if she hadnt given me permission. My dad was away on business for a couple of months at the time. So she says that she didnt know whether or not she would tell my father because he would be so disappointed etc etc. She made me beg her not to tell him when he got back. And then in the months when he was away gave me the most awful guilt trips about how I was putting her marriage in danger by making her keep secrets from her husband which would often reduce me to tears. Only to discover that she had told my dad, not only that I had gone but apparently gave him the idea that I had run off and done this without her permission.
Or she would offer me books (that she felt were too adult for me) or alcohol. Sometimes she would scold me for not taking them and then tell me I was bad for taking them. I had failed the test. I was too fast, too forward. Then she would tell my dad that I had read the above said book and drunk the alcohol except she would neglect to tell him that it had been HER idea.
Its hard to explain. She would play those kinds of head games. You know, if I didnt take it then I was a bad child for not trusting trust my mother. But if I did take it I was too sexual or too fast. Either way Id get mind f-cked.
And then when Id would figure it out and get angry about what she had done she would get angry with me for being angry, and tell me that I was a bad Christian for not forgiving her immediately.
.
Im 30 now and have long since moved out. But when I was living with her she wanted to know where I was at all times. Is that strange. I didnt like to tell her because if went out with people (even as an adult) she would give me a really really hard time. She would be upset for us going out after 8pm and felt that any function that went on past 10pm was too late. And anywhere more than 20 minutes away from home was too far. She would rage for like an hour if we got home after 10. Needless to say my brother and I both stopped going out. And yes we were adults.
We didnt leave because in our culture you stay at home till you get married and since we had emigrated all the way to Canada and we were the only family she had here there was that issue of well shes my mother i cant walk out on her. i would feel too guilty.
BTW when my brother stopped going out when she gave him such a hard time, she eventually scolded him for not going out at all. She said he was boring and said how was she supposed to have grandchildren if he never went out and met anyone. Do you see what I mean Then she said that he should go out but not too much and not so late without defining what that meant.
Anyway I had stopped speaking to her for a while. My therapist said that she is personality disordered. When I was growing up, I recall one night deciding that life would be a lot easier if I just stopped feeling. Thankfully at the time, I had no access to alcohol. But after a while I did start to have headaches every single day. Looking back, I had a kind of mental collapse. I couldnt concentrate, went days barely speaking or eating, and just lay on my bed in a ball. All of which I went through without help.
And then in my mid 20s found that gin made me feel absolutely and completely numb and it was such a revelation. It was lovely.
Eventually I took a break from my family. When I started speaking to them again she was really nice to me and now I think she is feeling a little more secure.
Well what happened is that my parents started a business. Things have been slow. And I thought I would do some financial analysis for them. The thing is, I like to do it after hours when its nice and quiet. During the day, someone always needs to send an email, enter inventory, etc etc and its hard to get anything done.
At first, she didnt say anything. Then suddenly, last Sunday, she came to the shop while I was working and said I couldnt do that anymore. She said that no one told her where they were going ever and that that was really bad. She said that there was a horrid accident on the road and that if she didnt know where I was how would she ever have known that it wasnt me. Is it strange to expect your adult children 2 of whom dont live with you to call and tell you where they are.
She says she appreciates the help but since I didnt tell anyone where I was going she feels that I am being sneaky. I dont like to tell her where I am going because she gives me a hard time.
Here are her reasons:
-its too late
-its too far
-i dont know those people
-those kinds of people (turkish, jamaicans) etc are thieves, violent, dangerous (insert negative stereotype here basically)
-what are you looking for outside the house that you cant get at home (this when I went out two weekends in one month) apparently that constitutes getting around too much.
-its too dangerous
-its unladylike
she also engages in passive aggressive behavior such as waiting until you are just about to leave before deciding that she really really needs to give you something that you absolutely must wait to take.
I told her that I wouldnt do it again fully intending to just ignore that. Which I see now was a mistake. I should have just had it out with her there and then I told her that because I think that the analysis that Im doing for her must be done ASAP. ASAP as in it should have been done yesterday. There is so much work and analysis to do and with a full time job I dont feel as though we can wait. I feel pressure because she keeps saying that she has gotten herself into trouble because the shop isnt doing well. I went back on what I had told her because I want it to succeed for her sake and also i dont want anyone looking at me funny for not helping enough if it doesnt.
The other thing is that when I give in to her, I feel a tremendous amount of resentment. Which we all know makes you sick. Today I went back to the store to work more, and found she had changed the alarm code so I couldnt switch off the alarm so the police were called. She said she had changed it so that she could make sure I wasnt going to go back. When I told her I wouldnt do it again, I was trying to avoid a fight. I guess I shouldnt have. I should have fought with her right then and there.
In the interest of full disclosure she also said I shouldnt do that because one of the stores in the plaza got robbed. But all the info that I need to use to do my analysis is in the laptop that is hooked up to the security camera, printer and point of sale system so I cant disconnect it and work from home. And as much as I want to think that this is about security. I also have a niggling feeling that this is just one of her attempts to reassert control. I am also worried that if I do what she wants and things dont work out I will get blamed. I dont want to go along with what she says and stew in resentment which will make me want to drink.
I dont want to hold back and when things go wrong get blamed. Its like remember in the 90s the rage was the long shirt and leggings. I wanted leggings, which I got but I had to wear them under a really long skirt. She said that wasnt decent. But when she took me to a classmates birthday party all the other girls were sporting that look. Anyway after the party she told me I must work harder at the way I dressed. She said - did you see those other girls, you looked like nothing. Conveniently forgetting that she had expressly told me I could not wear clothes like that.
I love the work that Im doing. There is a part of me that thinks she is just being controlling. She wants me to do what she wants exactly the way that she wants it done.
I know that I will feel extremely enraged and resentful if I do what she wants and things go wrong and I get blamed.
Im going to go and ask the people at the store if they were actually robbed because I would hate to stop working late which I enjoy and find out that she had lied to manipulate me into doing what she wants.
My fear is that this is just another elaborate set up. Prior experience has shown that she is perfectly capable of doing this. Im afraid that she is lying about the sandwich store being robbed and the subsequent security issue to stop me from doing something she knows I enjoy. And then changing the alarm so Im in trouble for going. And then holding me responsible when things go wrong because she didnt have the analysis that she needed.
When I was growing up, because she was so combative I rarely spoke. I liked to watch movies and read books. You would think that would be okay but no.
Sometimes she would suddenly decide that the movies that we had watched together several times before was explicit and that it was a sign of my over sexedness for choosing it.
After a while of doing that, she had started to talk all through any movie (or scold me about any movie) we watched so I couldnt enjoy it.
Then all the books I read were too explicit, even Sweet Valley High.
Then reading books became antisocial so I got into trouble for that too.
Do you see what I mean. DO YOU SEE!!!!!!!
Right now I feel so angry and so resentful and if I had money i would go out and buy me a beer. I want to believe that she no longer does this, but my instinct is telling me to watch out. It doesnt help that im only 2 days sober but i guess its progress that i can feel anger at all instead of suppressing it.
And my sister in law tells my mother everything so I feel like there is a spy in the house just like when I was growing up. My sister could do no wrong, and told on me if I even looked at her funny. So SIL is now royally p*issing me off too. Im so angry today. Im angry because Im the bad guy after just trying to help.
BTW my mum has talked smack about SIL behind her back. She actually despises her a little. I wonder if she would be this cooperative if she knew how my mum really felt about her.
I need to get a better job so I can get my place and my privacy back.
Last edited by LifeBlows; 07-06-2010 at 07:50 PM. Reason: Anger
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,787
I'm sorry you're going thru such hell right now but glad you're not drinking over it. Drinking will make anything worse. Much worse. I hope you can find a different job to get away from her, she sounds a bit unbalanced in her dealings with you.
I hope too that you can continue to stay sober. It doesn't get rid of the bad feelings and situations but makes it simpler to deal with them. Not easier, but simpler for sure. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for peace and getting your life back.
I hope too that you can continue to stay sober. It doesn't get rid of the bad feelings and situations but makes it simpler to deal with them. Not easier, but simpler for sure. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for peace and getting your life back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
LB,
Sounds like a worthy goal! Get a better job and get your own place. I had a difficult relationship with my mother too. It took years and therapy to get over some of the resentments.
I don't know if this will help you but when I realized my mom was sicker than I was and I didn't have to live up to her brand of insanity, I was able to move on emotionally. I hope you'll be able to as well.
Love,
Lenina
Sounds like a worthy goal! Get a better job and get your own place. I had a difficult relationship with my mother too. It took years and therapy to get over some of the resentments.
I don't know if this will help you but when I realized my mom was sicker than I was and I didn't have to live up to her brand of insanity, I was able to move on emotionally. I hope you'll be able to as well.
Love,
Lenina
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I'm glad you didn't drink - I drank over other people all the time - no wonder I was so rarely sober LOL...and it changes nothing really...
When I got sober and looked at stuff with fresh eyes, I realised a lot of my friends and family were pretty toxic.
As far as possible I have removed the toxic people from my life.
I'm better for it.
I agree with Lenina - get a better job and get your own place...and live *your* life
D
When I got sober and looked at stuff with fresh eyes, I realised a lot of my friends and family were pretty toxic.
As far as possible I have removed the toxic people from my life.
I'm better for it.
I agree with Lenina - get a better job and get your own place...and live *your* life
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Thanks
I guess what Im glad that I can be angry with her because then it will give me the courage and motivation to take action.
Normally I respond by hurting myself: if she nagged about my weight I would eat more, and now Im 50 lbs overweight.
If she complained about me going out I isolated completely. I thought Ill show you. You will be the one whose children dont have friends. How embarassing will that be for you. But now I have no one except her and it makes her body blows much harder to deal with because Ive basically got no emotional support and I feel like a loser coz I have no friends. And after years of not having friends I find that I dont have the emotional stamina or social skills for friendships. With alcohol to while away the hours, I didnt need friends anyway
When she told me that I was drinking too much I drank even more because it was something that she could not and still cannot control but now neither can I. And I think that I might have just given her something else to hound me about.
I want to just have the nuts to deal with her the way my sister does. Because she never tries this c*ap with my sister. I want to be able to deal with the emotions that she stirs up without turning it inward onto myself.
But thanks. Its just hard for me to accept.
And as for SIL well, she hasnt been around my mother long enough to get bitten but she will. She is a bit naive so I cant tell her because Im pretty sure she will just think Im being a bad child. But whatever. Not my problem.
Normally I respond by hurting myself: if she nagged about my weight I would eat more, and now Im 50 lbs overweight.
If she complained about me going out I isolated completely. I thought Ill show you. You will be the one whose children dont have friends. How embarassing will that be for you. But now I have no one except her and it makes her body blows much harder to deal with because Ive basically got no emotional support and I feel like a loser coz I have no friends. And after years of not having friends I find that I dont have the emotional stamina or social skills for friendships. With alcohol to while away the hours, I didnt need friends anyway
When she told me that I was drinking too much I drank even more because it was something that she could not and still cannot control but now neither can I. And I think that I might have just given her something else to hound me about.
I want to just have the nuts to deal with her the way my sister does. Because she never tries this c*ap with my sister. I want to be able to deal with the emotions that she stirs up without turning it inward onto myself.
But thanks. Its just hard for me to accept.
And as for SIL well, she hasnt been around my mother long enough to get bitten but she will. She is a bit naive so I cant tell her because Im pretty sure she will just think Im being a bad child. But whatever. Not my problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
Good Grief!! It sounds that your mom analyzes things to death and in the meantime you were forced to grow up way too fast dealing with all of these headgames at such a young age. She sounds like a total control freak. You are a trooper to hang in there with her for all of these years.
I realize that you love your family and still want to be there for them but make sure and just worry about yourself and trying to stay sober for you right now.
My mother laid a dumptruck of crap on me in my youth & teenage years (threatening suicide, separating with my father endlessly and then getting back together with him, etc.) and in my early 20's her idea of bonding with me was us drinking together. As much as I want to lay all sorts of smack on her for all of her years of horrible parenting I'm just working on me right now instead of dredging up the past.
You need a license to drive, fish, get married, etc.
Anyone had the God given right to procreate and be a parent and that just doesn't seem fair sometimes when you see the junk some kids have to put up with. Stay strong my friend
I realize that you love your family and still want to be there for them but make sure and just worry about yourself and trying to stay sober for you right now.
My mother laid a dumptruck of crap on me in my youth & teenage years (threatening suicide, separating with my father endlessly and then getting back together with him, etc.) and in my early 20's her idea of bonding with me was us drinking together. As much as I want to lay all sorts of smack on her for all of her years of horrible parenting I'm just working on me right now instead of dredging up the past.
You need a license to drive, fish, get married, etc.
Anyone had the God given right to procreate and be a parent and that just doesn't seem fair sometimes when you see the junk some kids have to put up with. Stay strong my friend
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
LB.
Do you have a therapist or doctor? Believe it or not, I found AA helped me deal with my family in a healthier way. Mostly because, I think, I learned how to take care of myself. Also, you may want to look at "Co Dependent No More" by Melody Beatty. My mother didn't drink but she sure knew how to press my buttons.
As we learn how to take care of ourselves, we learn how to get the toxic people out of our heads. And I learned how to do so without anger! This is something my doctor told me that really clicked. He said my mom just didn't have the ability to give me what I needed. It wasn't that she withheld it, she just didn't have it. I believe that to be true.
It's not your fault she's the way she is. Please, if you can, check out CoDa or Alanon. They have ways helping us learn better coping skills. We don't have to throw a drunk at them or act out in ways that aren't good for us.
Love,
Lenina
Lenina
Do you have a therapist or doctor? Believe it or not, I found AA helped me deal with my family in a healthier way. Mostly because, I think, I learned how to take care of myself. Also, you may want to look at "Co Dependent No More" by Melody Beatty. My mother didn't drink but she sure knew how to press my buttons.
As we learn how to take care of ourselves, we learn how to get the toxic people out of our heads. And I learned how to do so without anger! This is something my doctor told me that really clicked. He said my mom just didn't have the ability to give me what I needed. It wasn't that she withheld it, she just didn't have it. I believe that to be true.
It's not your fault she's the way she is. Please, if you can, check out CoDa or Alanon. They have ways helping us learn better coping skills. We don't have to throw a drunk at them or act out in ways that aren't good for us.
Love,
Lenina
Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
I was seeing a therapist for a while but had to stop due to finances. I will definitely look into the whole codependent thing as Ive never even thought of myself that way. I came back because I felt tremendous guilt over my mother leaving a successful business behind to come and start over in Canada to give us a better future and the fact that we are really her only family here.
Mercurial - how are you able to leave what your mother did to you behind on a day to day basis. I find that the thoughts about what happened have a long term lease on valuable mental real estate in my head and just wont leave.
Mercurial - how are you able to leave what your mother did to you behind on a day to day basis. I find that the thoughts about what happened have a long term lease on valuable mental real estate in my head and just wont leave.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
Originally Posted by LifeBlows 
I was seeing a therapist for a while but had to stop due to finances. I will definitely look into the whole codependent thing as Ive never even thought of myself that way. I came back because I felt tremendous guilt over my mother leaving a successful business behind to come and start over in Canada to give us a better future and the fact that we are really her only family here.
Mercurial - how are you able to leave what your mother did to you behind on a day to day basis. I find that the thoughts about what happened have a long term lease on valuable mental real estate in my head and just wont leave.
Mercurial - how are you able to leave what your mother did to you behind on a day to day basis. I find that the thoughts about what happened have a long term lease on valuable mental real estate in my head and just wont leave.
As for the boozing & manipulative mother I was blessed with, I find that every time I try and deal with past issues it is the #1 trigger for me to hit the bottle. She has re-created her own reality of the past and so my solution was to cut all ties to my teenage years/young adulthood. I'm not saying that is the healthiest thing to do, but it is helping in the here & now with my sobriety.
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